Friday, December 18, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
My life is good, but why is 30 so frightening? Everyone is always telling me I'm so young, but I fear that ship will have sailed once I'm 30!!!! Oh my goodness each time I say it, it stings - 30! 30... 30!?!?!?! Okay calm... I'm calm.
So, by the time I'm thirty, oh that's much better written out, the "3"-"0" really makes it more real. Thirty, has a nice distinquished look to it.
Okay, by the time I'm thirty I would like to have lost 50 pounds, traveled to Paris, gone whale watching, learned to play the steel guitar, at least have my wedding planned and be a published author. Wow it's December, that means I really only have 10 months till I'm thirty. I can manage. I will make it happen. If I take off these bell bottom jeans, shoes, and sweatshirt - that puts me 5 pounds lower, so really only 45 to go. Phew. Then if I don't make it to Paris, France - there's always Paris, Texas. Youtube has plenty of videos of people who actually went whale watching, I could watch some of them. The steel guitar, well does learning the recorder count? As for my wedding, well provided Paul (my fiance) doesn't read this and run - we'll have a nice BBQ hoedown wedding. Lastly, I want to become a published author - I'm writing this blog, aren't I? See anything is possible.
So, I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. When all your "what ifs" start floating to the surface and all of your "shouldn't have eaten thats" weigh you down on the scale. I'm definitely feeling the pressure of keeping my wrinkles at bay and my hair long. I'm feeling the pressure to grab a career I enjoy. That old expression, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life," well I want a piece of that. Which will help with the wrinkles because if you're happy, you tend to have less wrinkles. Since quitting my job, I've already grown my nails out. I no longer chew them, I paint them and stare at them happily.
The sun is starting to pierce through the shades. Is that you God? Are you here to wake me up or beat me into submission? Are you shining a light to say, "wake up stupid, you're only 29?" Oh yeah, I'm still in my 20s! Sweet!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
A composed disaster. Inside my head there are a million thoughts and feelings pulsating each second. To the untrained eye, I'm just your average 7:30-4:30 Admin Assistant who has a loving fiance, a beautiful dysfunctional family and an orange tabby cat named Dobbie.
By my cat's name you can see I love fantasy. I love magic and far off places because it feels like a piece of me. I connect with the unreal. I would escape in my mind, any day, over being responsible and on my mark - if I could. Somehow my parent's instilled a good work ethic - Darnit! But seriously I do a lot of good being responsible, I just wish I had a little more spontaneity!
I am very kind to everyone and often take on their pain which hinders my scope of happiness a bit. It's quite enough to feel your own pain, but when you take on the world's, you really can't be happy. I watch the news and get immediately affected by the injustice. I see a young woman trying her best, but hurting and I instantly hurt for her. I can't separate myself from other's pain. I also am not real keen on those who are negative or rude to people who only want their approval. I feel such a sense of purpose many moments knowing that I can make that person, who is being treated unfair, feel like a million bucks. I have to continue to create a safe haven in myself for those who need solace. No matter how much it affects my emotional structure. Yes, I fall to pieces with the best of them.
I am not speaking to my father or stepmother for the moment and doesn't that read like a piece from Cinderella. Dysfunction is just part of my life and I weave in, above, below, and around it depending on what the situation requires for my survival. That leads back to those negative and rude people whose approval you want, but let's face it, will NEVER get.
I'm strong and have many dreams, but I sit behind a desk each day dreaming them instead of doing them. My Job helps young people achieve their goals and dreams and yet I can't place that in my own path.
I have good intentions and four books that are unfinished awaiting my return to the keyboard.
I'm very skilled lyrically as well and could've had over 100 top ten hits by now, but they all sit stacked in a binder underneath my desk.
I also probably could've sang all the top ten hits myself because I have a voice far better than at least 6 people who graced VH1's Top Twenty Countdown this morning, but yet I feel inadequate and build walls for myself...
I am a dreamer with talent under the desk.
Will these dreams ever come to fruition?