Friday, December 18, 2009

Chapter Two - Life Indoors

Wearing sunglasses indoors is usually not my style, but whether it was God or just the sun, something had burned my eyes and woke me up! A girl has got to see the good before the bad and as for right now, seeing anything besides these little splotchy dots is a challenge. It's painful, so I close my eyes and immediately see my brother's face. A young man, almost through with college and about to embark on the rest of his life. He wears a smile, a big smile as he usually does, and he just gives me a thumbs up as if to be as cheesy as that Billy Joel song and say, "I love you just the way you are." Open my eyes again and still splotches. You know my Mom always tells me not to look into the sun and yet somehow this time - it's not my fault. Close my eyes again and this time I see a cow and a tree and a barn, oh my goodness I'm having visions of Farmville - that's just ridiculous. I spend far too much time on my computer: writing, playing games, blogging, tweeting, recording and surfing. My love of the outdoors faded with the changing of the time and weather. It happens. You grow so in love with 85 degree weather, sunny skies and long days during the summer that when your days are suddenly frigid and short you go into hibernation. I've gone on a few walks in hopes that my derriere wouldn't totally balloon up this winter. I usually come home with an ear ache and hands that could chill even the warmest hot cocoa. I rather love the fall season. The beautiful color of the leaves, the slight cool down, but still long lavish days. Yes, they start to get shorter naturally, but the sun is still out till around 6:30pm, which is bliss. You can go walking after work and not be frostbitten nor drenched from the heat. I also have a birthday around that time of year and well I rather love it because it's on Halloween. The day where you can be anyone you want other than yourself. But for now, we are smack dab in winter. 84 days left until the first day of Spring and yet in just 4 days everyone will begin their New Year's resolutions. It's freezing and yet we're all supposed to jump into our track suits and hit the streets hoping to lose all the excess weight as well as emotional baggage the year has brought us. I'm looking to 2010 as a year of promise. As I've said before, I shall be thirty! It's going to be wonderful because for the first 10 months I'll be twenty nine. No, seriously it'll be okay. I do believe that 2009 was a year of assessing who I am, why I act the way I do, and I will no longer be pushed around. The one thing you've got to realize in life, everyone is dealing with similar issues and you have to be sensitive to that. At the same time, you also have to know the difference between right and wrong and how to protect those you love. If I have learned anything this year, it is that nobody is perfect and yet we can't give people that excuse. As long as everyone tries to be good and loving than they will get the benefit of the doubt. When people you hold in such high esteem, let you down, that is the hardest wake up call. Still, you just have to hold your head up high and do your best. All you can do is tell them how you feel and if they don't listen or don't care - that's on them, NOT you! What a year for learning all that the hard way. I've spent so much time indoors this winter. I sat on a couch and poured my soul to a shrink who made me realize I can say, "no" to anyone I want to. If I don't feel like putting myself in a situation, only I can remove myself and understand the reasons why. It's funny, as a girl with two Catholic parents, guilt has run through the veins of each side of the family. I always felt I HAD to do this or that, now I see - I only have to do what my heart tells me to. No matter if it deals with family or not. Obligation and guilt only make the experience excruciating. When you choose to do something, you've made the decision, you own it, it's yours and you feel so happy while you're there. It's a breakthrough for me and I'm so excited to become an adult who may tell her parents, "no," sometimes. Our relationship has shifted and that's how it should be. I will no longer get soap in the mouth, a spanking on my bottom - I am an adult. I make good choices and if I screw up - I'm the first one to admit it because I believe in the sanctity of flaws. It is so important to show the world how wonderful you are, but it is equally important to show your flaws. The flaws help the world relate to you so much more than the perfection. How wonderful is it to find out that you are just like that person who couldn't take the ill treatment of their boss anymore, so they quit their job in the middle of the country's financial crisis? You no longer feel alone. To get out in the world and tell each other stories and relate to people is the whole point of this beautiful earth. And yet, here I sit typing my thoughts onto a screen, all curled up watching a 1980's movie. I know that I should get outside and live, but there's a whole other world waiting indoors.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Chapter One - Quarter Life Crisis

The blue sky seemed to be a slice of freedom from the state of rain that had been floating overhead for days. I no longer had an excuse to stay in bed once I saw the beautiful day peek through the blinds. The automatic coffee pot hadn't even started and so I had to use all the strength I had to make my index finger press the "On" switch. I inhaled the aromatic scent of hazelnut, but apparently took a little too much of it in. My eyes began to well up and I was reduced to coughing. Trying to control my wheezing, I poured myself a cup of energy. Whiskey, my semi-well behaved cat rubbed up against my leg and I obliged him by filling up his bowl full of food. Yet, his attention strayed from his grub once I started up my computer. He has to be the center of attention plus he loves to watch the cursor dance across the screen. I send responses to some emails, pay some bills, and cry at my bank account's available balance. Then, I shrug it off and remind myself that this wasn't an accident. I did just quit my job and right after the economy took a dump. What exactly did I expect to happen? Lately, I really don't expect much and still at every turn there's some kind of road block. Last month I learned I was "Clinically Depressed." Hmmmm... That's interesting. I guess that explains the trouble sleeping and all the crying - *phew* I'm mentally unstable, I thought it was just me. For a girl who has a nice apartment, wonderful fiance, adorable cat and had a decent job, you would think she would realize how blessed she is and just make it work. Most people would kill to be in my shoes, am I unappreciative? Am I spoiled brat who will never be satisfied? Friends and Family would say, of course not. I'm very aware of my good fortune, it just so happens that turning 29 made me stare at the fact that next year I'll be 30. Yes the big 3-0. I will be the same age my Mom was when she was married with a 7 year old and 13 year old. I can't believe it, I'm so far behind. No marriage, no kids, no house, no decent car, and I just quit my job. Whoa - deep breath. It's all going to be okay.
My life is good, but why is 30 so frightening? Everyone is always telling me I'm so young, but I fear that ship will have sailed once I'm 30!!!! Oh my goodness each time I say it, it stings - 30! 30... 30!?!?!?! Okay calm... I'm calm.
So, by the time I'm thirty, oh that's much better written out, the "3"-"0" really makes it more real. Thirty, has a nice distinquished look to it.
Okay, by the time I'm thirty I would like to have lost 50 pounds, traveled to Paris, gone whale watching, learned to play the steel guitar, at least have my wedding planned and be a published author. Wow it's December, that means I really only have 10 months till I'm thirty. I can manage. I will make it happen. If I take off these bell bottom jeans, shoes, and sweatshirt - that puts me 5 pounds lower, so really only 45 to go. Phew. Then if I don't make it to Paris, France - there's always Paris, Texas. Youtube has plenty of videos of people who actually went whale watching, I could watch some of them. The steel guitar, well does learning the recorder count? As for my wedding, well provided Paul (my fiance) doesn't read this and run - we'll have a nice BBQ hoedown wedding. Lastly, I want to become a published author - I'm writing this blog, aren't I? See anything is possible.
So, I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. When all your "what ifs" start floating to the surface and all of your "shouldn't have eaten thats" weigh you down on the scale. I'm definitely feeling the pressure of keeping my wrinkles at bay and my hair long. I'm feeling the pressure to grab a career I enjoy. That old expression, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life," well I want a piece of that. Which will help with the wrinkles because if you're happy, you tend to have less wrinkles. Since quitting my job, I've already grown my nails out. I no longer chew them, I paint them and stare at them happily.
The sun is starting to pierce through the shades. Is that you God? Are you here to wake me up or beat me into submission? Are you shining a light to say, "wake up stupid, you're only 29?" Oh yeah, I'm still in my 20s! Sweet!