Monday, August 9, 2010
So often do I fall asleep with thoughts of fear and sadness. So often do I fall asleep thinking of the end of this journey we call LIFE... We are all on this roller coaster and there is no way to stop the inevitable. Some day this stretch of our journey will be over. Will it continue on another plain - it's possible, it's impossible - it's ultimately up for discussion or you can leave it up to pure faith. For me, a girl who's never had a deep sense of religion, it's scarier than hell. All this I've built - my goals, my dreams, my love, my possessions: spiritual and tangible - will be gone. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow.
I have some faith, some spirituality in me that I can't explain or control - you know the feeling inside that twists up your stomach when you're moved by some other power. I know something is there, something is guiding me or giving me signs, but exactly what is - I don't know. Some say it's God, others say we have Spirit Guides, and then there are those who believe you are guiding yourself from one of your past lives. When there are so many beliefs, it's hard to know what to believe and who is right. Perhaps this beautiful power around us ensures that we are all right. Sad thing is that many kill in the name of God and so how does that play in? I hardly think they are right? This madness plays in my head all the time... a vicious circle that can drive someone mad!
Fear is a constant in my life. The fear of death is most likely one of the crucial reasons I'm not living - up to my potential, that is. My thinking is just so warped. Ready? - Here's my logic (ridiculous): "If we are going to die, why would I want to build such a large life here on Earth? Houses, Cars, Careers, Success, Marriage, Babies, etc... That only gives you more to lose when you go...." I'm so out there, I'm aware! I used to believe, in my age of innocence and overflowing hope, that you have to do as much as you can so that you leave your mark, your legacy, so you'll never truly die. It's still floating around in my head and from time to time I get waves of - "GO FOR IT!!!!"
Some days I want to be highly successful and others days I just want as little as possible. I have stacks of songs, stories galore, and this voice to fuel it all, but my lips are sealed. Strange that I have no drive, no motivation, no constant spark to make me go the long haul and do something amazing. I know I have it in me, but that pesky little fear bug sneaks up on me and sabotages any chance. Yes I LET fear sabotage me - I have the control to suppress it. Just need to find the tools to stop fear in its tracks. Why does it take some people no time and others years to attain the same life skills? Circumstance and upbringing, I suppose. Maybe there's no real answer. Maybe that's why artists are always so tortured. They are looking for answers to come from creating and processing their art, but sadly only more questions arise. Once you feel okay in one area of your life, something comes along to create friction in another aspect and so that fuels different tones to your art and so on and so on... The questions become endless.
When you're a child looking at the many years in front of you, you don't slow down because you think it'll take forever until you're 18 years old. Then when you're 18 you look at the 12 years until you turn 30 and say, "I've got so much time, so let's partay!" Then when you're standing at the doorstep of 30, ready to knock on that door, you think of all that's gone undone. By 25 I was supposed to have a successful lyricist career in the works. By 27 I was supposed to be married. By 29 I was supposed to have a set of twins. By 30 I was supposed to be thinking about another child. Like, how is it that I'm so behind? Well, that's just the thing - I'm not behind. Life changes you, molds you, and puts everything in a different perspective. You need to grow and learn when you're good and ready. Certain things matter to me more now then they ever did. I have another person whom I deeply love and I love our little life. The simplicity of it makes it so beautiful. The ups and downs and working through our differences to form such a bond and a love that I believe will last till the very day I leave God's Green Earth - that's priceless. Yes, I shall continue expressing myself through song and word - can't stop what you're passionate about for anyone else! Still, I'm going to think of us as a package deal and weigh it for both of us and not just I, me, me, me!
Success - whatever that means to me (detailed in one of my other blog posts) will come if I put forth a good effort and all I can do is follow my heart. Why we're all here and our purpose will probably always be a mystery. How I wish I knew what this whole journey was all about, but at the same time - there's magic in not knowing... I think I'll ride this thing out: Loving more than I hate, giving more than I take, hoping more than I right off, smiling far more than I scoff!
Life is a strange adventure... May you see the hidden light in every dark corner!