Saturday, July 21, 2012

Peace of Mind

      You're born. Then, everyday after that you are building. You're building your personality, your morals, your dislikes/likes, and sometimes you build walls. From an early age, outside voices seem to penetrate your character and get ingrained in your way of thinking. If someone tells you that your dream is unachievable, that you aren't beautiful or that the way you feel is wrong - you believe them. You are young and though you try to hold onto your self esteem and confidence, negative words can chip away at your psyche. When you feel that others don't truly want to protect your spirit and don't think before hurting you - you build walls. Walls in your soul, in your spirit, in your heart are the hardest walls to break down. Walls become part of you. You are no longer open to everything life has to offer because you've closed off parts of yourself. Fear of being hurt keeps you from moving forward with others who have never hurt you or who have nothing to do with those walls. Once those walls are built you are keeping the "whole you" from the world.
      The tricky part is breaking through those walls. To free yourself from past experiences and only keep the lessons you learned without the scars which cause pain. How do you only keep the good part of an experience? Like on a day like today where multiple negative things came up, how do you find the good? It's all about constantly talking to yourself - inside your mind, of course - finding the greatness and joy in life. Nothing in life besides death, is un-fixable. Everything can be mended - even broken hearts and broken legs can function again - over time with great care and devotion. So walls can be knocked down as well. It's all a matter of finding the root of the scar. Why did you build that wall?
      So, in my present life I'm open to discovering the "Whys" to my behavior - I believe that's the first step. To truly acknowledge that you are indeed causing the way you feel and act. I think that constantly believing that others have made you to be a certain way is a cop-out. Nobody, but you can make you do anything. You choose to be pissed of, you choose to hold onto resentments and you even choose how you react to those around you. If they indeed control you - they'd have you by some strings and you'd be merely a puppet, not human at all. Humanity is what makes us think and feel. This is what separates us from animals and other species. We have the ability to choose how to act - to be kind or not to be. We are our own - undoing. I have unraveled myself so many times at the expense of no one, but myself and slowly I am putting each layer back in place.
        Reinvention - who do I want to be? Most of it comes from hard learning. Who I was and how it failed me creates my new way of thinking. I am BIG on words and many people in my life have used that to get to me and boy did they get to me good. They saw me spouting off such stupid things that only anger fueled. Did I mean the things I said, perhaps a few things, but as a whole - definitely not. In the interactions I learned a lot though. I learned that I give too much power to words and I give too much power to outside sources.
      In a particular relationship, where I am supposed to "respect my elders," I didn't. That's so not like me. I love and respect everyone and in this relationship I failed. But this cycle has gone around and around like a carousel - a dark and gloomy carousel filled with resentments and crimes I didn't even commit. I was being held accountable, by this person, for things that happened when I was a mere baby and child. Once I realized the patten of our madness, I realized that just as they were adding up resentments from way back into the past, I had added up every hurt tied to their name too. We were/are both in the wrong. Still, every time a conflict comes between this person and I, separation results, then I usually end up being so bothered by it I apologize and they never do, but all goes back to normal for many months at a time. Yet, we'd having falling outs again and it would play out the same way over and over and over again. This last go round - a light bulb finally surfaced in my mind and I came to the harsh reality that I was empowering this person to treat me this way. I wasn't holding them accountable and they weren't taking on any responsibility. They hadn't earned my respect. I stopped blaming myself because I had already apologized. I already said what I could say... Walls aren't needed because I healed my own scar. I came to terms and I lifted myself up and away from the pain. No more power given. It's a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. 
      Sensitive souls have many walls because they are scared to hurt, scared to feel, and scared to put themselves out there, but as you grow older and reflect about all you've been through - the less you need walls. When you can hold your heart safe in any situation, you've grown up. Don't get me wrong, there's bound to be times I'm still hurt, but what I'm hoping to achieve is a sense of "I know who I am, I am doing my best, and life is good." When you can take a knife that's coming at you and turn it into a lesson and not a scar, you have achieved a powerful place. To stop blaming others for how you feel, to stop taking blame for anyone else's resentments towards you and to stop accepting yourself to be treated in a way you'd never want to treat someone else - that is when your life is your own. For the first time, in a long time, my life is 100% mine and I'm cherishing my peace of mind.