Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Menagerie of Emotion

           A menagerie of emotion, a spectacle of contradiction, and a kaleidoscope of creativity. I'm a source of great confusion lately. Each day I wake up with something different filling my head and spirit.  Today I feel a sense of purpose and security. I've been lacking those two things for more than 3 weeks now - where have they been? I fell into a dark and ugly negative pool of hopelessness which created a world of answer-less questions. All my "why?"s kept me searching and never finding which left me feeling empty. I hate feeling empty when I've always felt so full of words and light and love. Empty is way too bitter and cold for this gal. I need substance and deep seeded roots filling me at all times to feel sane and my empty vessel left me worried. 

         About 2 years ago or was it 3? I don't know exactly, but a while back I battled horrible depression - like the give me a shrink and get me some pills kind of depression. Everything ate at me and I hated everything. Nothing anyone could say was right and I was horribly unapproachable and unhappy. Well this weekend I felt a slight tinge of what I felt back then. I was thinking... "uh,oh - am I headed down that road again?"  Luckily, all I really needed was a few nights of deep sleep and a few kicks in the ass while I looked into the mirror. Mind you - this depression stuff isn't really a feeling sorry for myself kind of thing. It's a sadness like no sadness I've ever known and for no reason. I've got nothing to be horribly sad about - not anymore - so this sadness stems from nothing in my direct world. This sadness is tied to everything and everyone else. It's so strange, but I can just look down a busy street and find things that just break my heart and then I link it to family I miss or bonds that have been broken and it hits home. Makes very little sense and I'm realizing it doesn't have to. I just need to figure out how to get out of this space... 

           So, today I woke up too late, dilly dallied too long and had to run around like a mad woman to get out the door for work. I was five minutes late which hurts my pride, but it didn't matter to anyone else. I sat down at my desk and I had purpose and I had drive to get work done and get life moving. It felt so amazing and I realize that - what's really lacking is substance to all the moments I'm not at this desk. I have a zillion million projects and goals and things I want to get done and I have so much time in which to do them and see them through and yet I don't. What's up with that? (I hear Keenan Thompson's SNL character singing "What's up with that? What's up with that?" LOL) Why am I constantly letting good ideas and great works go unfinished, go unheard, go undone? I'm not a lazy person and yet when it comes to the projects that literally give me goosebumps while working on them - I can't push myself to do them often enough.

          Life can be so confusing at times. You can hold everything you need in the palm of your hand and still the puzzle pieces don't fit. I always seem to be lacking something which I desperately need to move forward in my life. No amount of writing it out, talking it out or crying it out works. Somewhere down the line it rages up and takes over my stride. I guess that's just how life is sometimes - it's not perfect. I don't expect perfection being a free spirit, but I guess there is a flexible mold of what I want life to look like and when it doesn't shift and change into that space, it's frustrating. I just want to be a person who isn't so full of fear, guilt, doubt or angst - that she can't see her greatest goals through. Everyone always asks me if I'm needing some kind of recognition or if I'm looking to be famous. Truthfully I am not. I don't need attention of admirers - all I want is to be passionate about my inner currants of inspiration. To share my treasures of the mind and visual creations is always a plus, but I have about a hundred little projects that no one has ever seen and they've fulfilled me for many hours. It's not about the recognition... 

       Even as I type I hear a voice saying, "you want attention... you're writing to the world again." It's not like that. I'm writing to share, to vent, and to hopefully help someone else. I feel the best way to help is to be honest in your truth - whether it be light, dark or treacherous. We are human and the most isolating thing is to not feel understood or that anyone else knows how you feel. If you can reach someone who feels as down in the dumps as you or who feels hopeless and alone - you've made something out of your dark space. How awful for us to go through these painful periods of growth and unknowing days without it meaning something. It does mean something - it means we care enough about our future to contemplate it, to change it, to create a plan, and to just get through this blanket of shadows. 

       We are all equal, but so very different. Just because I'm gloomy today doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be a bucket full of sunshine. Our changing moods and seasons teach us to grow and teach us that nothing is forever. Some may find that daunting, but I find it hopeful. We don't have to stay in the same house forever. We don't have to keep the same job forever. We don't even have to look the same forever - we have options. We are choosing what we do and how we live - every single second of our lives. I think that's why I loved those "Pick Where the Story Goes" books from my adolescent days - I felt in control of the outcome. We have control of our destiny - life just throws in curve balls every now and then to keep it all interesting. Still, we have more control then we take credit for. We are the keepers of our happiness, our heart, our body, our soul... We must take care of it - no one else will. This world is cruel, if you succumb to it. This world is beautiful if you focus on the beauty instead of mean words and hurtful actions. 

          I wish that I lived on the surface 
          Never deep enough to have a purpose 
          Where nothing ever got to me 
          Resembling more of a puddle than the sea 
          I could brush off every hurtful word 
          I could act as if I never heard 
          I would have no desires or regrets 
          To claim I'd never cry - that'd be a safe bet 

          I wish that I held myself more confidently 
          Never responsible, in a state of "accidentally" 
          Where nothing ever amounts to much
          Where it's not my fault we don't stay in touch
           I could peg the blame on others 
           I could unfriend those who blew my covers
           I would always be in the right 
           To have no doubts as I lay down to bed at night 

           How much better life would be 
           If I wasn't sensitive, little 'ol me 
           If I mirrored some of the people I struggle with
           If I had a major personality shift 
           Would it be just fine not to care?
           Would I be alright not being there?
           I doubt that I'd fair as well 
           I doubt that I could stop the urge to dwell
           I was designed to care a little too much 
           To add meaning where it ain't and feel touched 
           It doesn't make life easy for me 
           But what's the fun in easy? 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


The days where I could write and write and write about my thoughts and feelings for hours have seem to dissipate. The spark of creativity has been replaced with brutal reality. It's as if someone took spray paint to my mural. Like my historical structure has been knocked down to make way for progress. It is like my epic novel was saved on a computer that had a hard drive failure and everything was lost. It's an awful feeling really - to be devoid of words when all you've ever done was spew them out. When all you ever had to do was look at a cloud or passer-by and instantly you'd be inspired to write a 2 page poem detailing your vision and perception. 

Life has gotten bleak. An empty string of days - every one the same as the next - nothing igniting passion or cause. I'm an office gal. I come in, I put out fires, process payroll and go home. Next day I come in, I put out fires, send out Accounts Receivable notices and go home. Granted, I enjoy the work and I feel that I matter, but it's losing its fulfillment. It's never what I wanted to do with my life. Then, I start to think about how so many of us go to work day in and day out without the beast in our belly. Without fire, without something that really ignites us. Yes, my job will add experience to my resume and money to my bank account. And yes, I feel good when I've put in my day - I feel like I accomplished something, but it's not what I am meant to do. 

So what are we meant to do? I'm 32 years old and when I was 20 I thought I wanted to be a famous singer or songwriter or both. I wanted to travel the world and make a difference in the world with whatever money I earned. I wanted to be thought of as kind and giving while never having to work a day of my life because my work would be my passion. The idea seemed so easy, but the actually becoming such things is not and when you're a lost soul - your direction is so hard to find. It's not easy staying on track when you can't even find where your track is. Some people are lucky - they have that drive and motivation from the start - they just go for it - they want it that bad. Some people want it, but what really helps them succeed is someone in their life helping plot out every move. I didn't have either of these things. I lack motivation and I didn't have anyone to push me or open my horizons to how to go about it. It's really easy to see and point out why I have failed. 

Still, I don't think that I'm intended to be a "Failure" at this passion place. Where words mold my life into what I've always dreamed. I feel that since I'm "32" it's just a given in this society that I can't make it now. I'm washed up, I'm too old, it's over, just let it go. How sad is that? Why do we let age and circumstance define our destiny? Why is it so important to be young and youthful in our world? The youth have no experience and news flash - the youth become old just like all the rest of us. Who is to say that those who take a lot longer to find themselves cannot pave a path to their dreams later in life? Well, I'm to say - I'm the one who hears these things and believe them. I'm the one who lets others' doubts fill my head. People can talk, talk, talk and we must start taking responsibility for what we listen to. What we let mold and make us is up to us. The shape of who we are cannot be changed by anyone unless we let them affect us. 

People are brutal. People are beautiful. What we need to decipher is what people will we allow in to our worlds? True that sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes the people we love the most and cherish the most - always building them up and doing whatever we can for them - sometimes those people hurt us the most. "Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, you can't squeeze them back into the tube." It's so true. Once you snip someone's character apart or you put them down - no matter if you think you're kidding or not - the pain has been rendered. To use words in a negative way takes so much energy - to say something nice is what comes naturally to the brain. Why go out of your way to hurt someone? This life is full of enough "no"s, setbacks, and day to day disappointments - there is no need to add more strife to anyone's life - especially someone you love. What I love to see is the beauty in people - holding the door open, calling for no reason but to tell someone I LOVE YOU, or a hug when you know someone needs one. People are beautiful, but underneath they may be in pain, so why not tell them you love them or how amazing they are instead of telling them about flaws they are well aware of, or criticizing something they've done just because it isn't done your way? 

I'm very fragile and I break far more than anyone I know. I take everything to heart and I really fall far when I fall. Right now I'm all over the map in my discussion, but that's where I am right now in life. I am all over the map. I can't tell down from up and the sense of "I'm right where I should be," is fleeting. I feel that I am constantly planning and creating and connecting - trying to get everyone together and keep in the mix with as much as possible while still being a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister and a human. I feel that I have let some major parts of myself go for others and I'm starting to resent it. I've never been a selfish person. If you ask me to be there for you or if I feel I'm needed somewhere - I am there and with a smile and my heart in it. I'm happiest to give of myself, but as many have seen, I'm not me anymore. I've given all of me away and I need to start putting myself back together. 

It's often said that you cannot be a true asset to anyone else unless you are a whole person. My fragments are here and there and everywhere. Life is confusing at times - sometimes you think you've got it all figured out - only to find "Whoa.. there's something not write about this picture." It's a little crooked. I'm a little misplaced at the moment. People I've admired and felt a connection to have left this world and I haven't been very open to deal with it - I've grown a bit numb. People who I have looked up to and always respected have let me down - I've grown a bit cold and disconcerted. I don't know what to say or how to act when usually I would just be a babbling brook of hurt and emotion. To talk it out or write it out and get it out in the open and resolved, I've become out of touch with my center, my roots. I've got much grooming to do in the garden of my life - some weeds and horrible rodents have snuck in to take my joy... It's time that I get in there and do the work. I'm not a lazy person until it comes to working on me. The hardest thing for me to do is focus on myself for fear of self centered-ness... but if I don't re-adjust my focus, what life will I really have?...