tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54693950794397389892024-03-27T16:53:58.257-07:00Simple Girl InspiredSimple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-43378824530511897012023-07-31T15:47:00.004-07:002023-07-31T15:53:51.032-07:00Taking A Break<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvehJPy8apGWu8CTuuLEsHQSVYTagOqucaUhdRPhCgYrIc-jQs7SAClGSjP5fTl65-qFy4fEiPw4fs4GF11taeQpqINT4P-bR-pqFwcbDmtkwk-dXKC8Gg5zdOEcFOFD3noWPeCJXxkj4MJmmo27y13NrBcCyCa5w_wIyuk20OFVlSJItRvoB2FphZXko/s1080/Taking%20a%20Break.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvehJPy8apGWu8CTuuLEsHQSVYTagOqucaUhdRPhCgYrIc-jQs7SAClGSjP5fTl65-qFy4fEiPw4fs4GF11taeQpqINT4P-bR-pqFwcbDmtkwk-dXKC8Gg5zdOEcFOFD3noWPeCJXxkj4MJmmo27y13NrBcCyCa5w_wIyuk20OFVlSJItRvoB2FphZXko/w194-h194/Taking%20a%20Break.png" width="194" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">It's never easy when someone you adored in childhood leaves the Earth. When both Lucille Ball and Mister Rogers passed away, I was devastated. I can remember hearing the news and what that felt like. I am equally devastated today with the news that Pee Wee Herman has passed on. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">It's a funny thing with famous people. They become famous because of the great work or service they provide. The joy that they bring through their particular way of looking at things, looking at life, etc. taps into something new and different. We hold them up on a pedestal and give them adulation and praise. And yet, the revered can almost never show their humanity. To be flawed or make a mistake would tarnish the image and we all know <i>that</i> story, but I have to say it doesn't define the person. It's distressing to me that some of the headlines included that one public mistake. Instead of just remembering the Pee Wee who impacted so many children and gave us so much imaginative space to feel okay for a half hour a day, they cut to his misstep. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">We do that here in society. We love to point out a person's mistakes. For what other purpose than to feel better about one's own foibles, I guess. The fact that Paul Reubens didn't take to the public for sympathy or support during his health battle shows that he didn't need us as much as we needed him. He was a bright light in some of the dark spots from my childhood. I just hope he TRULY KNEW how much of a good impact he made on us 1980's kiddos. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">As I sat with this news, I realized that I can get caught up in the headlines and the articles that I sincerely despise. Even though I hate them, I read them and I found myself feeling really sad that I lack some control when I scroll the internet. It's there and I have to know what they're talking about. I give them clicks even when the content makes me sick to my stomach. It got me thinking a lot about how tied to the Internet and Social Media web I am. Even though I have been limiting the time I spend on my phone, I find myself taking a "break" in the middle of writing or working to check out the latest headlines. And 100% of the time, I am not better for it. There's not a single time when I am happier or feel more enlightened by the internet break. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br />So, if it's not something I enjoy, but I still keep going back to it, that must only mean that I am addicted to it. I feel like I need to "be in the know." Looking back at periods in my life when I have decided that all the information is too much for me, I would get push back from people. They'd say things like, "it's good to stay informed," or "you should always stay in the loop." Over and over again I would get the messaging that if I don't know what's going on out there, somehow I will be missing out or in danger or just not caring about the world as a whole. It's all false. The world will keep on turning if I don't watch the News or read every article that pops up as BREAKING NEWS. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The more I feed into the fear and anxiety that the NEWS constantly pumps out, the more fear and anxiety lives within me. I don't think that is by accident either. By design, powerful people want to instill fear to keep us where they want us and to close our minds and train our views. The man made cycle and societal standards are a disservice to everyone. Negativity feeds on more negativity and that's why there is so much pessimism running rampant. They need us to be unhappy so they can sell us the NEXT BEST THING to cure the very unhappiness they created?!?!?!? </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">It's nuts! </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">As I sit here typing, I have decided to take a break from ALL OF IT. It's going to be SUPER HARD and I don't know how I'll fare, but I've gotta try. I am an addict. I am addicted to the next headline and the bits of gossip that commonly turn out to be wrong. That old woman on the bench in the Barbie Movie... nope, that's not Barbara (the inventor of Barbie's daughter) as all those articles said. That's an actress playing a part. I told people false headlines and then had to go back and tell them I was wrong. (BTW, Barbie is my new all-time favorite movie! What a film!) You cannot believe everything you read anymore. Sure, there have been lies spilled before the dawning of the internet, but the getting to the bottom of it was a bit easier. Sadly, you think if you read the same information from three "reliable" sources that it confirms it to be true. Well, the one copied it from the first and the third from the second so only one had the story and no one fact checked it. One story gets shuffled around to get clicks and the headline is all that matters. Who cares if it's not true. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I care. I also care about kindness and some of the headlines today about Paul Reubens were UNKIND. Humanity is insanity and unfortunately there are way too many avenues to be affected by it these days. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I don't know how long I'll be away and if I can actually do it, but I'm going to start with a month as my goal. August will officially be my INTERNET FREE month. I don't need to know and I owe it to myself to at least TAKE A BREAK. It's overwhelming at times and it really doesn't add to my quality of life. It really takes away. Like today, I have been mostly crying and reading articles about Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman and just tying myself up in knots about it all. So, instead I thought I'd write a blog and get some thoughts out, make my declaration that I will abstain from the internet for one month. Now that I've done that... I'm off to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-large;"><b>Thank you Paul Reubens... </b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-large;"><b>THANK YOU! </b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVINcs8o69rrdcv5xzpugfUXXAUmOKAGbcyRD4-Tnb-25aPP23ec4E27XdGl0XI0OucPAiJZyd-FlW-nCDOZecrWjKiuU1bvWyAbrsouIvABP0MVcgO8pxjDOtNs3NUpprjDW1rmZVMbss40qjAOEuErMzm5oV4NpTqdbXKxuvpKwkxb9jzKz3beEmyiQ/s1778/5cd9e10124000031007edede.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="997" data-original-width="1778" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVINcs8o69rrdcv5xzpugfUXXAUmOKAGbcyRD4-Tnb-25aPP23ec4E27XdGl0XI0OucPAiJZyd-FlW-nCDOZecrWjKiuU1bvWyAbrsouIvABP0MVcgO8pxjDOtNs3NUpprjDW1rmZVMbss40qjAOEuErMzm5oV4NpTqdbXKxuvpKwkxb9jzKz3beEmyiQ/s320/5cd9e10124000031007edede.jpeg" width="320" /></span></a></div><br /></div><p></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-62859332712298451262023-07-24T13:12:00.004-07:002023-07-24T13:51:09.448-07:00What Isn't Seen <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFpq5EL2LUid-3WDvVxzby-NF2TY0kTVSz7KI724H9HnaXMyb33Hui7fJ-R-e5S4kZmv02yAvFOMB85r3qDhyBdNfwcIs3xHfhVeSJhJ4aEBqQTviBtB6YjeQQlqDF-avT8Adt5Mpuoh-i-ZLm2OXQZLihtcURkuA4X152c71_DmJM3VaebhE0RtLFGIw/s3336/20230724_081719.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3336" data-original-width="2280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFpq5EL2LUid-3WDvVxzby-NF2TY0kTVSz7KI724H9HnaXMyb33Hui7fJ-R-e5S4kZmv02yAvFOMB85r3qDhyBdNfwcIs3xHfhVeSJhJ4aEBqQTviBtB6YjeQQlqDF-avT8Adt5Mpuoh-i-ZLm2OXQZLihtcURkuA4X152c71_DmJM3VaebhE0RtLFGIw/w219-h320/20230724_081719.jpg" width="219" /></a></div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">"I have added ----- insert event name here----- to your calendar, would you like me to set a reminder?" Alexa asks after you ask her to add something important to your calendar. You reply, "No thank you." </span><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>What isn't seen </b>are the weeks, if not months, walking by the calendar and dreading something that used to be fun. <b>What isn't seen</b> is as the event or outing or commitment gets closer, panic comes in heightening waves. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the pep talks to build up your courage and confidence that you can do it, you CAN get through it. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the "wanting to get through it." Just wanting to be on the other side of the event so you can say you did it, but you don't have to dread it anymore. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the deep breathing required to get through getting ready (out of bed, showered, dressed, etc.) for said event. <b>What isn't seen</b> is all the preparation to set yourself up for a panic attack free experience. If you can pick out where you're to be seated, you do. If you can figure out an exit strategy beforehand, you do. You prep those you're going with that you might not make it through or you might have to excuse yourself in the middle of the concert or movie, etc. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the millions of conversations with the people you trust who will attend said event with you. Their understanding of you is the only reason that you've agreed to go. If you have to leave, they may have to go with you and that will be okay. You are in a 100% I CAN TRUST YOU space and no one you surround yourself with, will make you feel bad for potentially ruining their time because they love you that much. These are the only type of people you can go with at this particular time in your life. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the bag of tricks you have to pack as a "Social Gathering Survival Kit." This bag includes Pepto Bismol Tablets, Mints, Lavender oils, extra pads (just in case you don't make it to the bathroom), good luck rocks, etc. <b>What isn't seen</b> are all the trips to the bathroom during the event. Sometimes for nervous movements, but mostly for getting a handle on your breathing and just getting a second away from any negative energy or overwhelming amounts of people you might encounter. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the struggle to wait in a line and be patient between strangers who don't have respect for space. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the fidgeting with your bracelet or rings as you shakily anticipate the beginning of whatever you're there for, so that you can HOPEFULLY have your attention centered on it and relax a little. <b>What isn't seen </b>is the insane relief when it is over and sometimes the horrible grief that you didn't get to enjoy it the way you wish you could. <b>What isn't seen</b> is the day or two needed to come down from that much interaction, energy and pure exhaustion of trying to hold it together. Even if it was just a few hour event, recharging your batteries (for lack of better example) takes rest and quiet which sometimes involves doing absolutely NOTHING.</span><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>What isn't seen </b>are the tears that accompany that time because of either pure exhaustion or sadness for not being able to navigate the world "normally." <b>What isn't seen </b>is the depression that sometimes can set in for not having taken in the experience as you wanted to because you were battling panic the whole time. </span><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is what it's like to do regular, ordinary things as an anxiety/panic ridden person. </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">From the second the event/concert/appointment/outing/gathering/etc. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">is added to the calendar, the thoughts about it begin. I don't want to speak for everyone, but most people don't dwell on plans to go to a concert or the movies or a sporting event. They look forward to it and maybe count down to it in excitement or it creeps up on them until the event is finally here! Yay! So, when a non-anxious person observes a person with anxiety being preoccupied by the event, they can see them as being "negative" or "over sensitive" or "dramatic." Some people have great empathy, that's what I don't want to speak for all, but in every circle of humans, there are those who cannot see passed what they experience. What they do/how they react must be how everyone else moves through the world and those who move differently are just that...<i>different</i>.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Being <i>different </i>can cause depression within the anxious person as shown in paragraph one. Normalcy or moving through the world in an easy, breezy way is all that the anxious person wants. They don't want to be difficult or create any kind of problems for anyone and yet their brain works against them at times and gives them no choice. This is why going and doing things in groups or with people that the anxious person doesn't trust 100% is avoided at all costs. Maybe not forever, but as this person works through their anxiety and their phobias and panic, they need a trusting environment. This is also why they don't go out a lot. It's far easier to stay in and be in the most trusted environment of them all - home! Eventually, with the help of therapy, classes and sometimes medication, the anxious person will start to creep out into the world again and what they take with them is their safety net. The people they can turn to and say, "I've gotta get out of here," with no judgement and complete care and concern for their well being. Usually, those safety nets are just super proud of said anxious person for trying. Baby steps... </span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">For the last couple years, I've been battling for my Mental Wellness. Two back to back traumatic events had me seeking help and eventually getting diagnosed with PTSD by a Psychiatrist. It has been a journey. For a while, I was scared to have the curtains open on the windows of my house. I wasn't eating or sleeping. Then, I gradually was able to go outside and nature walk and take care of some stray cats that decided to show up at my door. Their presence got me out of bed each morning and outside. They still do! I eventually was able to go to two different overnight trips a few months apart (Van Gogh Experience/Car show & Imagine Dragons Concert) and it was so exciting to get to take part in the world again and see things to be inspired by! I was back! Then, I had a major setback that lead me into the deepest depression I ever had where I didn't want to live anymore. For the first bit of 2023, I was so agoraphobic and cried more tears than I ever thought were possible. After making such strides, I was back where I started and actually far worse off. Life held NOTHING for me in those days. I just slept or watched crap TV and got lost in this dimension of "what's the point?" During this time, some sounds and experiences jolted memories of my trauma and my fearful side came back again. Every unexpected sound made me jump and I wasn't sleeping. Finally, I tried Psych meds again and they made me feel awful and sick to my stomach. Tried another med instead and it wasn't any better. I felt so lost. During all this time, I missed some birthdays/holidays/momentous occasions of people I truly care about. That just added to my depression and I was beating myself up more and more. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Recently, I have been doing better and that's the </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">reason I decided to write this. With the help of therapy and physical activity, I am sleeping better and am way less depressed or anxious all the time. Little by little, I am trying to step back out into the world and do things. Sometimes I feel that some people will see a person who has been battling something </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">(for me, it's agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety and depression) </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">get the courage to go out in the world again and so that must mean they are cured. Like everything should just be back to normal if all seems right in their world again. Unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated than that and I feel that in our society, you're just either this or that. You're either depressed or happy. You're either anxious or relaxed. Sometimes you are depressed, but you want to push through it and try to experience something out of life. Snap a picture and I look happy, but what's underneath? You can't be BOTH. Yes you can...Both-ness is human. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">What can sometimes happen is the anxious person will seem less anxious, going to the movies or the County Fair or both within a short period of time. It might be said: <i>They missed the birthday party or the important celebration, but they were able to go to the movies yesterday. What screwed up priorities. </i>To those anxious folks who worry about this, don't. You're living in the present day. They're holding onto the past. What you need to do for yourself, within your boundaries is 100% acceptable. Not that you have to explain yourself, but sometimes it's easier to go with one person you completely trust to the movies than sit in a more intimate setting with people you don't completely trust. The barriers and variables are easier to navigate in a one-on-one activity than in bigger groups of people. All of Paragraph one is real and maybe it'll get less and less with time. Hopefully, you'll be able to get back to the normal functions of life you used to attend, but right now you're just getting your footing back. It is okay to be choosy and it is okay to look out for yourself. Adding guilt or shame will only overwhelm you right now. Own what you need and know you're doing nothing wrong. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The last thing I want to emphasize here is role reversal. Would the person who's criticizing your choices be willing to live outside their boundaries to met your expectations if the roles were reversed? Probably not. So, why should you? We cannot expect from others what we would not be willing to do ourselves. Let's just say that again because it's a doozy and really clears up a lot about mindless expectation: <i>We cannot expect from others, what we would not be willing to do ourselves. </i>You get what you give is always a good adage. I read somewhere recently, most likely in the amazing </span><span style="background-color: white;"><u><span style="font-family: georgia;">A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose </span></u></span><span style="font-family: georgia;">by Eckhart Tolle, that if you're feeling that someone is withholding something from you, give it to them. Usually you'll get it back. Give what you want and you'll get it in return. So powerful. The expectations we place on people or that we allow to be placed on us which has us eventually thinking: <i>if I have to, then everyone else should too</i> is childish. "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." - Anne Lamott </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">What you see isn't ever the whole picture. Even the partner you share a bed with every evening cannot show you every feeling or experience they have or have ever had. Each life holds some mystery and within that, we must resolve that we do not know everything. So, the next time you judge someone for not looking anxious or depressed when they are out doing this or that, realize that the variables make up the experience. The human safety nets, the survival bag, the hypervigilance to know how to leave if need be, the panic unseen behind the bathroom door, the tears of grief for not being 100% present for something they used to enjoy, etc. There is SO MUCH UNSEEN. Also, don't take offense that they don't feel 100% safe in your presence. That comes with great periods of respect and trust between people. It's nothing that can just be cultivated overnight or forced. If you want to be there for them, the best thing you can do is accept them. All you see and <b>what isn't seen</b>. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><div><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><p></p></div></div></div></div>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-45536361928791084122023-02-01T14:55:00.000-08:002023-02-01T14:55:55.326-08:00Want To Know Me? <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLHZ-4yeJZBBpTp7Le-QHl7vRsy76IFcRdITg1rRkZ9fhOoXrTeDdrt6CLdbJxPScXBmXMgdsH5m8Y4TlDmSERWxJMPzO4JBUv-j8oGZ_xKbBgOmT1P0ahr2fjAXnMtY2cyHS54D98JhhRT4CsCLIkfv09H0c83yWt_Vdup4X062nrkfHjwImT5ACa/s1010/Screenshot_20230201_131911.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1010" data-original-width="1002" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLHZ-4yeJZBBpTp7Le-QHl7vRsy76IFcRdITg1rRkZ9fhOoXrTeDdrt6CLdbJxPScXBmXMgdsH5m8Y4TlDmSERWxJMPzO4JBUv-j8oGZ_xKbBgOmT1P0ahr2fjAXnMtY2cyHS54D98JhhRT4CsCLIkfv09H0c83yWt_Vdup4X062nrkfHjwImT5ACa/s320/Screenshot_20230201_131911.jpg" width="317" /></a></div><br />If you want to know me. Really know me. Just watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... I identify with every character... Today I had to go back and dive into that world. "You're okay.... You're okay...." Simone says that at the end of episode one. It's been a hard thing for me to say to myself... Even if it's true.<p></p><p>So, this week started out so promising. I started a new Body Groove workout regimine. Within that 27 minute workout, there was a moment that has had me depressed ever since. So, day 1 of my new routine was also my last day... As I danced around my living room, there was a song change and all of a sudden, we were doing ballet moves to a sweet song. The ballet moves triggered me. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger. Took classes when I was an adolescent. I adored the graceful movements. Took a class in my first year of college and I was told I was "too tall." Turns out tallness is an attribute worthy of ballet, but I took the instructor's words like a knife to the heart. I dropped the class. I gave up. This was just one of many critiques I listened to. Changed me at the opinion of someone else?!?! As I danced gracefully in my living room with the Body Grooves video Monday, I sobbed. I just love that form of dance. I missed it. I cried for a few hours. Alone. Told others about it later and I didn't feel heard or that they understood the weight of it. </p><p>The weight of it... There's so much weight to me. This is why I have a podcast called HEAVY BOOTS. I carry so much and feel so damn deeply, you'd think I'd explode from feeling. So many don't feel this deep and so it's hard NOT to feel alone or different.</p><p>What NEVER makes me feel different? DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... This show is one of those shows that feels like it was written for me. Peter is struggling to believe there's more to life and then magic makes its way in and he's ignited. Then life brings him back to reality which is boring and alone. Simone is hiding who they are and hates being harassed for it. Feminity proves dangerous with harassment and I too have hated that kind of attention. Hard to trust real connection when others have broken you. Fredwyn is a control freak and seeks to know everything possible. I ache to keep everyone safe and feeling good which of course is impossible 100% of the time! Janice is so scared of abandonment and being alone. She never cultivated a great relationship with herself and now that is catching up with her as her husband is in a coma. She's lost and alone. </p><p>Every single character is a piece of me. Shines such a light on all my insecurities and hardships in life. I too ache for something more... I crave magic. Something that gives me some energetic boost! I too feel insecure in my skin and upset with myself for not honoring myself. I too feel that when all else fails to make me feel secure that I can go overboard with what I CAN control. It can be uncomfortable for those around me when all I want to do is rearrange the living room, again. I too am faced with abandonment issues. Most everyone I know (besides my brother) have either physically or emotionally abandoned me. I fear anyone and everyone I get close to will eventually catch wise and leave... "It's me I'm the problem, it's me... One day I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning." All these characters are ME. </p><p>So, if you want to know who I am, all you have to do is watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... The question of "Is this real?" as well as all the questions of art, character, life, passion, purpose and meaning speak to the deepest pieces of my heart, soul and spirit. </p><p>I let others define or tell me what they think and then I believe it to be fact. It gets imbedded in my mind and those critical statements get replayed every time I start to move passed those critiques. I get so stuck in this round about of words I've never said or believed about myself, but allowed to seap into my psyche. </p><p>The end of this beautiful series captures EVERYTHING I believe in and feel to be true. The monologue that Jason Siegel brings to life... <span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Caslon Doric", serif; font-size: 18px;">"I just think the whole thing is fun, and weird and dark and hilarious, and I want it to be all those things — because I am all those things. This experience helped me remember that." That's just a piece of what he said and I've turned the ENTIRE monologue into a piece of art that hangs up in my living room. It's the MOST impactful thing I've ever heard... And yet...</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Caslon Doric", serif; font-size: 18px;">I'm still here. Trying to figure out how to make my life better. I swim in so many pools of depression and anxiety... Before 2021, I didn't go swimming as often. It wasn't like I was 100% healthy and NEVER went to these pools, but BEFORE 2021 I was so much more at ease. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "Caslon Doric", serif; font-size: 18px;">Though we cannot blame circumstance and only have the power of how we react. I'm being real. I'm not stuffing down feelings or faking it till I make it. I'm here in those dark feelings and today they are suffocating me. I can't function or focus. I'm a wreck. I have not been courageous in my reactions and I sit in tears. I own it. I don't require pity or any kind of attention. All I need is to "catch my breath." I still haven't yet... </span></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-61759914565260496112022-10-01T15:30:00.000-07:002022-10-01T15:30:02.775-07:00How Does Anyone Do It All?<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIPuC-JQY7dtW4UxTwLHAjbskhx5NhT4Bpgw0MlKJAy37qTVujUyJZaR2HaFL4_f44BZc61wX444WnzrHmAeeNv72xikDpq5sujFMaWszU6scx7f2fro_CfwBjPp1raELzkRFIOM4nfeBAJzNXg9-sPTPi86aw2S0-6m1t166V_9PW6S7xhMwouh_I/s1520/IMG_20141030_191919.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1520" data-original-width="1520" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIPuC-JQY7dtW4UxTwLHAjbskhx5NhT4Bpgw0MlKJAy37qTVujUyJZaR2HaFL4_f44BZc61wX444WnzrHmAeeNv72xikDpq5sujFMaWszU6scx7f2fro_CfwBjPp1raELzkRFIOM4nfeBAJzNXg9-sPTPi86aw2S0-6m1t166V_9PW6S7xhMwouh_I/w200-h200/IMG_20141030_191919.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Conflicted is an understatement when it comes to my state of being. I have become a goal setter and I really don't let ANYTHING stand in my way in order to get the goal met. This means that I am no longer flexible. This means that I don't go with the flow as often as I used to. This means that I am self focused a big portion of my time. Yes, my goals are to spread creative kindness and create community where people feel seen heard and loved, but I'm still going after MY goals of making that happen. The other, in person interactions have taken a back seat really. Like if I had planned to do A, B & C and someone comes by unexpectedly or asks me to go do something, I will not engage in anything, but A... B... & C... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Who am I? Who is this girl that wants to chase after things I've wanted to do forever, but never did. It's awesome to get things done. I have a creative business now which includes monthly subscriptions, products I'm proud of that are all handmade by me and a podcast that I just dropped... finally. These are all things that I have wanted to do for years, but I was lacking the courage or the motivation or the focus needed! Now I have it and I feel guilty. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Don't get me wrong, it's exciting to sell something you poured your heart into and it's amazing to create something that gets tossed out into the world to help people! That part is amazing. I'm just feeling guilty all the time because I have lists and deadlines and I stick to them. I can't keep up with emails or cards or letters to friends whom I adore. My priorities have shifted to my dreams and I guess I just never realized how much time everything takes. You not only have to create something, but you have to put it out there and you have to market it and talk it up. It's a constant cycle of create and promote and then create again and promote again and there's never any really downtime to just sit back and relax. It's a grind. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">It's a good grind. I just see now that it LOOKS SO EASY, but it's a whole other ball of wax and there's a lot of pieces to it that aren't my favorite. Selling stuff to people or emailing people asking for their support or to buy my products is SO NOT ME. I know, it's part of business and you can't sell anything if you don't tell anyone about it, but it's brutal. The Social Media game is also so crazy. You have to post on Instagram and then on Facebook. Then, you have to make sure to put it in the stories and make it engaging. It takes time. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Then, you add regular life in... taking a shower, getting dressed, washing dishes, paying bills, making a budget, cleaning house, running errands, doing laundry, etc. and you can start to feel spread so thin. Still, you're working from home so what's the complaining about?!?!?! Exactly... I'm not complaining, it's just that my eyes have been opened to how much it takes to run a business and take care of life matters at the same time. I want to applaud all those people out there that have a business, an organized home life, a great social life and are flexible with unexpected plans or visitors. You are my heroes! How do you do it!?!?!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">I used to be the person that would do whatever, whenever anyone asked. Let's run down to San Diego for the weekend... SURE! How about a dinner out tonight and some karaoke?... YES! Would you like to go with me to a movie right now?... LET'S GO! Spontaneous was my middle name. Seriously. I would be up for anything and now, am I just getting older or is it that I need more balance in my life? </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">It's so hard to breathe these days. And yet I have fresh air to breath and land all around me. I'm feeling an urgency to do something that makes me proud about my life. So, I am putting myself out there in all kinds of ways while also dealing with Mental Health challenges. Anxiety, PTSD, Depression all know where I live. The self doubt and mean voices that enter my head when I can't do it all are brutal. I start to believe all the terrible things it says. "You don't care about anybody but yourself." "What a stupid business idea to focus on, nobody is gonna want to buy that." "You're giving up a day outside for this stupid idea? You're so dumb." </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Then, you add in a sad life event, like losing an animal you had fallen in love with and well, sometimes I want to throw in the towel. It's either in bed, doing nothing but crying and writing sad poetry or it's this driven, gonna set out to do everything I had planned chick. There's no middle ground lately and there are moments that I fall behind. Like with those things that don't really have a due date, but I SHOULD have been working on them days ago just to be prepared. My procrastination on those items is next level. It always gets done and all works out, but usually in a mad rush that stresses me out. I meet the deadline, but stress is present.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">I don't know what resolve I hoped to find at the end of writing this narrative. Usually, I can sum it up and make myself feel better through typing out what's going on in my brain and sifting through what I'm feeling, but I got nothing. I don't know how anyone does it all. Imagine if I had kids?!?! Holy hell. This is why I didn't go down that path, life is too much to begin with. And yet, there are millions out there doing it all. Getting out of bed even when the MEAN REDS show up and try and tie you to your pillow case. People out there being flexible and spontaneous and still having a business and purpose that they are proud of...</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Perhaps I need to BREATHE. Give it some more time and see if I can strike a proper balance between all the things... Life is a lot and I'm not about to pretend it's not!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><br /> <p></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-66397002650506884312022-06-24T14:52:00.001-07:002022-06-24T14:52:17.124-07:00As It Should<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><div><br></div><div>The trash was picked up a few minutes ago. We've had many occasions where they'd forget us altogether, but today they came. It shouldn't shock me, we pay for the service and they SHOULD pick up our smelly garbage every week. Still, every time they come, I feel a sense of excitement that something went right. What was supposed to happen, happened. Maybe it's because I keep waking up to devastating global news, that I'm feeling extra grateful the trash got picked up. We pay those political people too, every April, but lately they've overturned so many crucial things that I guess the letdowns pile up. You get letdown enough and the smallest thing like the trash being picked up becomes a victory. </div><div><br></div><div>Lately, I've been feeling like a letdown myself. Besides being blatantly told I am in recent past, I can't meet my own marks presently. I had a crazy good day Wednesday. Mammogram - check, Blooddraw - check, grocery shopping on my own - check, drove home by myself - check. Still, I didn't feel the pride in myself I was hoping to feel. Instead, I mocked and shamed myself for wanting to celebrate such basic life things. <i>People do this kind of stuff everyday, why should you celebrate it?</i> The next day, I was drained from all the outwardness. Assumed by the next day that I could go and visit with my family, but I was frozen. I guess my intuition knew what was coming... Turned out that it was a good thing I was home after my counseling session. </div><div><br></div><div>If I HAD gone to my family's house and excused myself for counseling, as planned, I would have been a fragile soul tearing up the rest of the day. The voice inside my head is the cruelest and according to my lovely Therapist, it IS something to silence. Up until this time, all my other counselors or therapists just tell me to coexist with this hurtful narrative in my head, but Victoria begs to differ. This voice is learned bullshit that aims to keep me small. Not her words exactly, but the words I'm using nonetheless. It is so strange to me that a voice within me wants to knock me down. It's so annoying that I have to stand up to it and be on guard, but alas this is enlightenment.</div><div><br></div><div>The other part that broke me open like a walnut was that the traumatic things that happened to me, were BIG deals. Very few people can claim these real things that I lived through and yet I've been denying myself that reality. I've been running from "playing the victim" or "letting them define me" because that's what I was told to do. <i>Get over it </i>and <i>get on with it! </i>The mind blowing revelation was that by trying to adhere to that <i>get over it</i> mentality and not speak about the incidents, I was suppressing my healing. "The only way you'll know you're healed is when you stop talking about it. One day, you just won't need to anymore." So, by NOT talking about it or feeling the unease of others as I dive in and diverting the conversation, I'm actually doing myself a huge disservice. It's hard to hear that what you've been doing is what's keeping you stuck. My motivation has been provided by outside souls who have been through more and seen worse, telling me to get over the most traumatic events of my life. Their motivation is <i>hopefully</i> that I wouldn't be hurting anymore. And if it's not and it's only self serving so that they don't have to hear my truth anymore, well why am I adjusting for those folks anyway? </div><div><br></div><div><i>Adjustment</i> has been my go to. I adjust at particular events, in certain crowds, when others seem uneasy about me. I cave in, I stand down, I shine more light in their direction or whatever I can do to keep smiles on faces. Some see it as admirable, but others have questioned my motivation. <i>If you're willing to give up your upper hand, what are you getting out of it? </i>Nothing. I get happy, smiling faces and the satisfaction that by diminishing me a little, someone else got to feel BIG, which was what they needed. I see that and I lean in. I don't <i>need</i> what they want. Motivation is something that gets projected on me quite often. </div><div><br></div><div>Say that you are a person who gets really sugary sweet when you're working a room of potential clients, investors or even love interests. You see <i>sugary sweet </i>or even kind as having a motivation of acquiring something. So, from then on, you encounter a kind person and they MUST be after something and so they keep you on edge or even as your competition. <i>They can't get what I want!</i> Well, what if this person is adjusting to your need for everyone's eyes to land on you? What if she would give up any attention so you could have ALL of it because she cares for you and wants you to have what you need? Her motivation is love not greed or attention, but you can't see her through any other lense but that of your own motivation. Those blinders keep you believing everyone operates like you, but they don't. Maybe some, but definitely NOT all. Definitely, not me!</div><div><br></div><div>This girl that adjusts and watches the comparing of motivations and the projecting lies onto her, so that the others <i>can go home and sleep well, </i>starts to tire of this arrangement. It was made only between her and herself and so its easily absolved. Except, that once it is thrown out, she WILL start to take up space as she should. However, people get used to your role.They count on you to adjust and when you don't all of a sudden, they have to fit you back in some box. Without ever acknowledging any service you may have done for them or their ego, they stick you in a new box labeled: "Negative." You're no longer conforming and so you have to fit in their mind's filing cabinet somewhere. </div><div><br></div><div>Everything starts to get off balance. For instance, say there was a moral center established that <i>showing up</i> was most important, but the quality in the visit meant nothing.<i> I was there</i>... and yet when you brought up a retelling of events, they looked confused or had no recollection of your heart being set in front of them to hear. How is that helpful? Showing up and not being there at all? One time, because I felt insecurity bubbling up, I asked for guidance. I didnt really need it, but I knew it'd make someone I loved feel important. We made an appointment. I showed up. I waited and waited, only to be stood up. There was no respect for my time. Tell me, what bad motivation did I have there? After that, I began to watch more closely and see that other people's time wasn't a care and I had to accept that and adjust again. This time <i>adjustment</i> meant being more protective of myself and expectations. </div><div><br></div><div>It's funny how we all have expectations of people in our lives, but we take ourselves out of the equation. For instance, you could think that a person who loves you should read everything you write, call you once a week and meet up with you once a month. Though, many contradictions lie on our end. What your loved one writes doesn't interest you, you don't really call anybody and you will only be willing to get together if it's where and how you want it to be. We cannot hold people to "standards" we wouldn't rise to. </div><div><br></div><div>Life is messy and complicated and damn hurtful. Especially for those tender hearts. I watched a movie the other day... RACHEL GETTING MARRIED and I don't remember the exact line, but the main gist was <i>not everyone is concerned with your suffering. It's not the most important thing in the world. </i>Suffering is never necessary if there is support and acknowledgement. I often feel guilty for my melancholy or staying in pain longer than others, but it is my purpose. I believe I was put here to fully dive into my pain and the pain of others to help ease it. I know my poetry helps ease it for some, but I'm hoping to find other ways to ease it. Haven't found my full purpose path yet, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I don't ever want to bring someone down, but I know now that I can also be the one who needs pulling up and support. Anyone who really knows me, knows I have a hard time asking for help. I sit in my feelings through my poetry, but if we're together, I'm engaged and I don't sit in my suffering. I often enjoy two sided heartfelt conversation. Very possible that I'll take your suffering home with me and it'll take a couple days to unravel, but I'm not what I've been told I am. I'm just not. </div><div><br></div><div>I should have disagreed when I was labeled "negative," "too sweet," "weak minded," or "dramatic." When asked how I am, if my dealings of recent have been hard, it may come off as <i>negative</i> because I am too old to lie about my reality to keep anyone else comfortable. If I stood up to something you said that I blatantly disagreed with and you couldn't mold me like clay, that's a good thing. It is not "too sweet" to stand up for basic, human rights, EVER! If I allow for others to choose restaurants, games, conversation topics, etc... It doesn't mean I don't have my own choices and I'm "weak minded." Sometimes it's actually smart as hell to let others choose so you experience new things or because they just seem to care more. I have accused someone of being "dramatic" in the past and in that instance they were just being passionate. I stood corrected and apologized... When I have been called "dramatic," it had to do with boundaries and feelings. If I don't want to do something, I shouldn't have to. Instincts can often prove correct. And when I feel something, those are emotions and not some fake lines from a play. Nothing dramatic about being real with your heart. That's why I keep more to myself. Instead of it being accepted, validated or acknowledged, it just gets thrown back at me as excuses, pity parties or you're being "dramatic." Labels and summing me up is a sure fire way to create distance between us. We cannot know another person fully. If you think you can, that's called "judging."</div><div><br></div><div>There is such beauty and goodness in the world. There is a lot of unjust things happening in the world too. There can be both. Bothness. You can be happy and sad at the same time. To deny either is to turn a blind eye to truth. All that amazes, keeps us getting up each morning and soaking up as much goodness as possible. All that is hard and hurts our hearts is there to remind us that life is precious. As the sky grows dark each night, I watch in wonder as stars appear. When I find the moon, I think of all its witnessed. People evolving, growing and escaping old paradigms that no longer serve them. Life is for shifting and becoming. We are sent here to take up space, be emotional if we are, be courageous if we are and change the world as best we can. The easiest way to invoke positive change is to walk in your truth. Allow the cloud of lies that have been told about you to fly off in the wind, as it should. </div>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-9952910539549777302022-05-15T12:37:00.001-07:002022-05-15T12:37:12.768-07:00Questioning <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6SrdcbQK38S3by9XG_aRfpdjxvf0CTcsPVxQk0LzbNBu6VYfLFvLI132M88tmK1GGdceSRo4BOU9U5Ir_c4hYFp0sljjT0vbliS9rmGU5xOwQuk1orBw5Lh2vWCWSSCQKUJ4-2NCvo0Ky9_YUSdgYGeWNeJ7jwPfOQqgAAXy7t9MVjyB6FiiR8kiH/s3024/20220514_193739.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2862" data-original-width="3024" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6SrdcbQK38S3by9XG_aRfpdjxvf0CTcsPVxQk0LzbNBu6VYfLFvLI132M88tmK1GGdceSRo4BOU9U5Ir_c4hYFp0sljjT0vbliS9rmGU5xOwQuk1orBw5Lh2vWCWSSCQKUJ4-2NCvo0Ky9_YUSdgYGeWNeJ7jwPfOQqgAAXy7t9MVjyB6FiiR8kiH/s320/20220514_193739.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"> I do not question the moon when it appears full and brightens up the night so that no flashlight is required. I do not question the moon when it is missing from the sky altogether. I observe and whisper a little prayer that it will return, but I never question it. It has cycles and this is just how it moves through our world. Last evening, I sat in complete awe as I caught the full moon from various vantage points. I tried to capture it through a hundred photographs and I still couldn't get my feelings of wonder and pure amazement in any snapshot. I enjoyed it, but how I wanted to share that. </span></span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"> Sharing is something that I do. I share my words, favorite songs, <i>TV shows to watch</i> lists, recipes, pictures, videos and little moments from my life. I don't want to hoard it all for myself. I want others to feel the joy that I did and yet I cannot control that. What I share might actually be annoying and off-putting to some and to those group of people, I have become so tethered. See, I do not question so many wondrous things around me, but I often question myself. Often in the tone or voice of those people who have vocally shared their judgements of me. </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span> Only just have I begun to see how externally validated I need something to be before I follow through with it. The list of things I've tried and gave up on with a laugh or a disparaging comment from someone who's approval meant everything to me is long and disappointing. The good news is that I am writing this here and I am becoming more and more self aware to the road blocks in my own mind. The more work I do on myself, (as isolating and scary as it has been) the more I see how much self awareness has saved me. </span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span> Just recently, while watching the heartbreaking GMA segment on the life and death of Naomi Judd, I had self awareness come and slap me across the face. The beautiful Ashley Judd spoke so poignantly and courageously about her mother's struggle with mental illness. As she said the words "the barrier between the regard in which they held her couldn't penetrate into her heart and the lie the disease told her was so convincing... (and it told her) You're not enough. That you're not loved. That you're not worthy." It was a sincere wake up call for me because though I knew I heard these same words in my mind, I never put it together with the "barrier" she spoke of. I never realized until that very moment that I cannot accept <i>regard</i> fully or truly. There is a barrier inside of me. I thought what I had was a kind humility where I wanted everyone else to feel what they needed to feel. Truth is, I never feel worthy or deserving of anything. Especially NOT praise.<br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span> This is not a pity party moment. It's actually a great awakening for me. I was so heart broken to hear what Naomi Judd had been dealing with and how she ended her suffering. I've been heartbroken by so many stories like this, but this story was different because of how Ashley articulated what her mother was feeling illuminated how I've felt, but had no words to express it. Nothing penetrates or sticks with me that is positive. Believe you me, all the negative comments, looks, energy, insults are buried so deep inside of me and have changed what I believe about myself. This thirteen minute segment really shook me and made me see how little love I let get in. </span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span><span> The thing that keeps coming to the surface for me is the questioning. Questioning if what I'm doing is good enough. Questioning my motivations for writing or singing or creating. Questioning my truth because it is stirring the pot or making other people uncomfortable. Questioning most everything about myself. As I observe others navigating through the world, not a lot of people seem to be questioning every little thing about themselves. Maybe they do later or maybe there are things that I cannot see, but for the most part, people just live. </span></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span><span><span> It's been a hard stretch of road to see how my questioning everything about myself has left me with a lack of self. I can say I'm a writer or a poet or a creator, but every single time I attach these serious titles to my name I laugh at myself or think "you haven't made any money doing any of it, so how can you call yourself that." My truest belief in my heart of hearts is that whatever you continuously do, that's what you are. So many people didn't make money doing what they loved and we still call them painters, artists, writers. They took what they did seriously. I do not. I feel like a joke, most of the time. </span></span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span><span><span><span> When I'm crafting a poem or writing a chapter, I am in my element. I feel like I am doing what I was put here to do. The minute I go to share it or put it out there, in my mind I hear all the negative criticisms I've heard in the past and I click "publish" or "upload" anyway. Many times I go back to review it and I want to take it down. I have to put it out there and let it go. I hear the questioning again, "why put it out there? why do you have to share at all?" It is therapeutic for me to create it and do my best to let it go. I have found other writers' works to be very helpful for me in my trying times. When you can see yourself in something someone wrote or created, that's when you feel human connectivity. I ache for connectivity. This is my little way to feel like I'm putting something out into the world. </span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span><span><span><span><span> That begs another question, "well if you can't even take the compliment that your poetry did help someone else not feel alone, why do it?" It's truly not about me. I write from a place of my experience and what I'm going through, but so often I feel like I'm writing from the heavens to the page. 80% of the time it flows through me and I'm just the vessel to get the words out and in the eyes of others in need. Writing is breath to me. I wake up and I hear a verse and I chase it because it makes me feel alive. </span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span> Most of what I write falls into the melancholy or has dark undertones. And yet, it's just real life. My ultra feeling self can only write from the truth. I've been labeled "negative" many times before, but false positivity just isn't something I feel is healthy. Still, I've donned a hundred masks to make sure those around me were comfortable. After taking off said masks, I would question my authenticity and shame myself for trying to fit in. Funny thing is that while I was applying the mask, I was shaming myself into a mode of fitting in. "Just blend. Don't ruffle feathers. Make sure everyone is feeling good." I think I am now ready to start asking the right questions. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"> "What about me?" That's the question I need to ask more frequently. "Why </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">not </i><span style="font-size: large;">me?" or "What do <i>I </i>need?" So often in situations, I go silent or retract so that I don't dampen the positivity in the room. When I feel something, I hold it in and let others get away with not truly knowing me or understanding me. Dr. Susan David shared a philosophy recently in a Brene' Brown special that stopped me in my tracks. She stated that "Toxic positivity is a form of denial. When you tell someone to </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">be positive,</i><span style="font-size: large;"> you're basically saying to them, "my comfort is more important that your reality." If you look around, we each have our own sense of reality. As I observe, each person is navigating to get what they need. A sense of worth, a connection, to have someone understand them or go with them (even if it's down a rabbit hole sometimes). Many realities can exist in one room and mine is rarely there. My reality has been to make sure everyone else has their reality and needs met. The only exception to that is when an energy gets in the mix that wants to poke, hurt or cause damage to the other energies in the room. I become a protector of the good energy and though it's a little different, it's still NOT my own reality. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span> Not being or feeling like you deserve your own reality makes it so that when you're praised or complimented, you shrug it off because the attention you're receiving is taking attention away from other people. Somewhere along the way, the programming and messaging that what I love and have to offer isn't good enough or right enough or within societal norms enough created my harmful self narrative. It helps with kindness and compassion though, which I'm thankful for. It keeps me mindful of what I say and how I treat people. I don't want them to feel how put down and uncared for as I have felt. </span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span> As I type that, I think back to four different instances in my life where I was unkind or allowed other people's unkindness motivate me to mirror it. I have been unkind to some who didn't deserve it and those who did, still shouldn't have gotten that behavior from me. I tie these things to me and they weigh me down. I hear the voices in my head say, "see, you have been unkind and so you aren't good enough or deserving enough to have anything good in your life." These are the voices that I will start questioning now. We ALL make mistakes and we all deserve redemption and second chances, but we have to give redemption to ourselves too. </span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> <span> </span>I have started to be open with feelings and to say it's gone well would be a lie. Three different times, I wept and three different times I wasn't consoled and mostly my tears were ignored. I left angry and resentful, but not at myself. I was being who I am and going where my emotions took me. I wasn't concerned with their comfort and when it wasn't treated the way I would treat someone with tears in their eyes, I learned. Some people, (whom you are super fond of and hold in high esteem even) will not meet you where you are. It's not about the reaction. It's about ownership of your feelings. You are allowed to feel, in real time, without thinking of comfort levels. I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to sit in my reality just as everyone lives in theirs. I do not need to question whether I am worthy of love, compassion or kindness because I know that I am. When I didn't outwardly receive that, it took a minute, but then I realized that I was receiving information. I need to do better at observing without judgement, but it's all a work in progress. Capacity to be empathetic and loving isn't always within even our most treasured souls. I am hoping that when I feel fully loved by ME that it will be easier to accept each person's capacity with grace and self care. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><span><span><span> Questioning myself hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've been stuck in a cycle of ideas and critiques. Those who make stuff happen, take the criticism politely, but keep on going towards what they believe in. It's time to stop doubting myself so much. I think it's best to question the lawmakers, the cynics, the cruel and untruthful. It's important to stay self aware and live in truth. As Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." In truth, I will walk as best as I can. I value being mindful of how I treat people and how I react when others are being treated unkindly in my presence and will continue to make that my main focus. I will do my best to take up space and stop turning off my light when others need it more. We can share it. There is enough. The moon is part of my reality and I DO NOT question how it has enough light to shine on all of us. It just does. </span></span></span></span></span></div> <p></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-84421920762985116512021-10-19T16:58:00.001-07:002021-10-19T16:58:20.854-07:00Strays <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPn6Ev3CYL3Ymli5s6wU9kLmMKZThyphenhyphenbHPGdnOH47MmoIIFZf_7dfzF1XDZvoyk-iuWf6YtkpDXtr_H25qTTG1NPMveViKG-pLdznFjv2I-aG0WZYaEtACSzUrTqihIEb6AD4DGVGJWqhA/s1062/Purrsie.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1062" data-original-width="979" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPn6Ev3CYL3Ymli5s6wU9kLmMKZThyphenhyphenbHPGdnOH47MmoIIFZf_7dfzF1XDZvoyk-iuWf6YtkpDXtr_H25qTTG1NPMveViKG-pLdznFjv2I-aG0WZYaEtACSzUrTqihIEb6AD4DGVGJWqhA/w294-h320/Purrsie.jpg" width="294" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span><span> </span><br /></div> <span style="font-size: medium;">I met a stray cat this week and I did the two things that you should NEVER do. I fed it and gave it a name. The cat pictured above is now known as Purrsie. Pronounced "Percy," but spelled in true cat lady fashion. After feeling the overwhelming gratitude from this stray cat when I gave it a helping of the canned food that my kitty (Paislie) doesn't specifically care for, I had a good cry. I was a little confused as to why I was so emotional even though it's not rare for me to cry for no reason. What about this cat brought water droplets to my eyes? She/he was a mirror, reflecting back to me some truths I've been struggling with. I too am lonely, aimless and hungry. </span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> </span>Purrsie and I have BOTH come to this piece of land for hope of a better life. We haven't figured it out yet and we're both skittish, lonely, but occasionally feel understood by the people around us. Today, I understood that Purrsie might appreciate a meal he/she didn't have to hunt for. It was a good feeling. I made a difference in a life. It's been a while. I have felt pretty useless for the last 5 or 6 months. Anxiety and depression keep you in your head and you become very self involved. It's not that you <i>choose</i> to be selfish, but when your mind takes the reigns, you have blinders on. Birthday cards are late, less and less contact is made and you self isolate which is lonely and comforting at the same time. You're "safe" in your cocoon of silence, but safe is not living. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"> I hunger to live a different life. That's why I am still here. Still fighting and still aching to be different. Yesterday, my therapist decided that it was best if we parted ways. The EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) started out helping, but the last two therapy sessions were way too traumatic for me. It took me about 2 days to get over the sessions. I believe it's a great method, but for me it's a little overkill. I am already a big time processor and feeler. Always dissecting, always trying to understand what and why I'm feeling. I think that EMDR is best for those who are more closed to their feelings. I was a little surprised by the revelation that I should seek other treatment. Feeling abandoned and a little given up on. I wonder if that's what happened to Purrsie? Did someone abandon this beautiful cat? </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"> I know it is for the best and I will find another avenue of help, but rejection of any kind isn't easy. I'm left to my own devices, once again, to find some form of care that will help me navigate out of this aimlessness. Since August 13th, I haven't worked in the formal sense. Ever since the accident, I hear the sound of impact. Where the car swerved straight into me as I sat safely off the road. The peace I was feeling in the moments just before the accident were such a welcome reprieve. It had taken over two months to even get to <i>that</i> day. It was a Friday and I had just worked all week to make it my biggest payday of 2021. I was dropping off my last order and was unable to get ahold of the customer. I had time, I thought I'd just wait... Of course, now, I regret that decision. <i>If I had just left. If I had just parked on the other side of the road. </i>Ever since the accident, I smell the stench of airbags deploying all around me. It is a smell that I will never forget. <br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> Two months previous came another sound that will forever be engrained in my mind. Fireworks. That's all it sounded like. Fireworks after loud pounding which, later I found out, was the sound of a big metal device pounding down my neighbor's door. That day, I spent an hour in the closet with my Cat, not knowing what was going on outside. That day, two people lost their lives on our street. That day, I learned that nothing is as it seems and thus began my paranoia. I eventually went 12 days without eating or sleep. Ended up at the hospital where I was told that there's not anything they can do. Prescribed me some sleeping aids. I slept and then ate and continued with therapy. Got a little stronger. Felt as if someone understood me. Got back to a good place just as the car accident took place. If I were in a video game, it was as if I'd leveled up, but progress wasn't saved. I went all the back to level one. If I could be safely seated on the side of the road and get smashed into, then anything could happen. Oftentimes, that song by Ellie Goulding just taunts me <i>anything can happen... anything can happen... anything can happen... </i></span><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><i> </i>Anything can ALWAYS happen. This is nothing new. The only thing <i>new </i>is my awareness. My mind has shifted to seeing all the worst case scenarios. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;">When being honest about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, I've heard an array of helpful comments:</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><i><span style="font-size: medium;">You just can't think like that. You've got to choose positivity. You've got to see life in a different way. </span></i><span style="font-size: large;">I know these things are only said to try and help, but it also implies <b>choice</b>. There are things that I CAN choose like watching the news or holding tight to a negative thought, but anxiety and depression don't always ask. It is not as if I serve myself a bowl of negative-os and pour on sadness milk each morning. I don't wake up and think </span><i style="font-size: large;">damn, I'm alive, this day is gonna suck. </i><span style="font-size: large;">I actually start the morning with great hope and strength and desire to have a beautifully healthy day. I start off </span><i style="font-size: large;">mind over matter</i><span style="font-size: large;">, but some days there's a tingling in my gut that says </span><i style="font-size: large;">remember how calm you were BOTH those days? You were <b><u>this</u></b> relaxed. Then, the other shoe fell. Remember that sound? Remember that smell? It's coming... again. You aren't safe ANYWHERE!?!?? </i><span style="font-size: medium;">This is what I am up against many days. I do my best to push through, but even if I'm walking through life, it is there. Lingering. Just like Purrsie, the stray cat. I'm skittish. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> I watched Purrsie this morning as she/he ate some of the burnt toast I put out for the birds. She jumped and looked over her/his shoulder often. Unsure of her/his surroundings. Unsure of her/his safety and security and rather vigilant to ensure said safety and security. I watched this and started to cry again. We have BOTH lost our confidence in our existence. Mortality is guiding all of our moves and making us less trusting and giving to the world as a whole. Purrsie knows that there is real danger for her/him out in the natural world full of coyotes, hawks, owls, etc. It can be argued that she/he <i>has a reason</i> to be fearful. But, I have reason too. In this fast paced, non feeling, <i>get over it</i> world, humans are expected to be instantly resilient and move onto the next victory or crisis. By those standards, I compare myself and feel less than. I want my life back. I want to be a productive, thriving, happy person. It's going to take me longer than the rest. The trauma has created a lasting impression and no one should have to apologize for that. Just going through the actual trauma was hard enough. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> Some humans are able to brush off the emotions and memories of traumatic events. Those humans inspire me. I am more like a stray cat. I've seen some things and I remember. In my mind are the sights and smells of traumatic events and I move through the landscape around me a little on edge. I don't know where life will lead me and I hope to someday feel at home and secure, but for now, loud noises make me jump. I am grateful for those humans who seek to understand and who feed my soul with love. Some days I feel unworthy and other days anxiety and depression make it impossible for me to fully receive the love. Still, this is <i>not</i> my forever home. I will not live in this state perpetually. I don't know when I'll feel myself again, but for now I have a kindred spirit in a cat named Purrsie. <br /></span></span></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-89426588144675241942021-06-09T18:28:00.004-07:002021-06-09T18:42:16.307-07:00Nothing is By Accident <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB1bDcpy9rSGfwICgUfDzgmsp0NGdhywqjca5djLlHubwDpDnhQ6hsIJny8PAeqvgBGhVRj_Sk1CoGRsPcAvcCwVAZAfedX63hy1GliSIdxfpFXjUYlM8JOsuGUiuqGRUBGurpSZl_UwU//" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="851" height="118" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB1bDcpy9rSGfwICgUfDzgmsp0NGdhywqjca5djLlHubwDpDnhQ6hsIJny8PAeqvgBGhVRj_Sk1CoGRsPcAvcCwVAZAfedX63hy1GliSIdxfpFXjUYlM8JOsuGUiuqGRUBGurpSZl_UwU//" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large; text-align: left;">Nothing is by accident. A series of events lead you to
exactly where you need to be. For me, it was a slow unraveling which (to the
untrained eye) would seem just as normal as everyday coincidence. “Coincidence”
is such a clinical word that strips joy. It gives reason where only magic
should be. I choose to believe that I was tossed another handful of pixie dust
and in no way does that mean I negate reality or that I am stuck in adolescence.
It means that I live beyond the physical, tangible things. I have always lived
there, but have been stuck in a push and pull between two worlds. One is
beautiful and filled with hope and the other is cynical and full of rules. For
forty years of my life, I have traveled back and forth, trying to be pieces of
what each world wanted me to be. And now, I don’t know who “me” is.</span></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. Last year I started listening to
Armchair Expert and I began to expand my mind. I’ve always been open to new
ideas and break off some of those bits to add to my many hatboxes of meaning. I keep little pieces
of everything that has ever touched my life in real, old fashioned, hatboxes. In the physical world, I have 8 or
9 full of cards, letters, mementoes I've grabbed along the way. If I find
something I really identify with and it can be hung on my wall, I hang it to surround me with as much inspiration as possible. It is so helpful to be inspired from the very moment I open my eyes
each morning. In my beautifully messy, unseen world, I also have little pieces of
inspiration that have touched my heart or mind (usually both). You can't see those hatboxes, but they are filled with so many
golden nuggets. I go mining most days for these nuggets by listening to Dax Shepard & Monica Padman on the Armchair Expert podcast. I could literally spend the rest of my life just
listening to this one show and I know I’d feel fulfilled, but therein lies the problem.
I have so many great pieces of wisdom and I am never applying them. I don't have an outgoing life. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. I’m a bit behind on the podcasts and
so last week I just heard Jason Segel’s interview. I wasn't aware of his struggle with alcohol or that he had been sober since he was 33 years old. I wasn't aware that he had the same realization as Dax and so many others like Jim Carey, Rob Lowe, etc. have had. They get to the place or the dollar amount or into the job title they had looked up to as "Successful," but it doesn't make them feel any better about themselves. There's still an emptiness. There's still a void. It was just another affirmation that all the material world offers will never fill what I'm searching to fill either. At the end of the interview, Jason mentions his show <i>Dispatches from Elsewhere</i> and Dax said something about Sally Field being his childhood crush. So, then I realize that there's a show (a universe, LOL) where Jason Segel and Sally Field are paling around together? How cool is that. I don't hear much about the premise of the show except that he states "by the end of the season, that was just me on the screen..." Didn't get it at that point and kind of filed it away.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. Soon after, my guy (Mister Paul) and I were not
sure of what to watch one night and so I looked up movies on Disney+. The state
of everything in our world has been very dark and stressful lately that we both
wanted something light and airy. We watched <i>The Muppet Movie</i> which
starred Jason Segel… He also wrote it. Though we had seen it once before, we
were so very moved by the message of the film plus both Paul and I are huge Muppet fans. (Okay, okay... Paul more than me, but I'm a close second! I mean,
how do you not love Kermie?) This week, I was home and not feeling well
and I needed something to watch. Thought of Jason Segel again (since his energy is so full of joy) and I felt like I hadn’t seen everything he’s
been in. So, I put his name in Roku’s search feature
and turns out, I guess I really am a HUGE fan because I HAVE seen most everything. Only 3 things I
haven’t seen: <i>Our Friend (</i>New film, costs money), <i>The End of the Tour </i>(Only
available for free with commercials, I hate commercials) and looky here... that show he was talking about: <i>Dispatches from Elsewhere </i>(Free
with AMC 7 Day trial through Prime Video). <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. I chose the free option and not only
because it was FREE (but that sure helped), but because I remembered hearing about it on the podcast and Sally Field is in it! I looked it up on IMBD to find out that Andre 3000 was also featured in a huge part (and who doesn’t love <i>Hey Ya</i> “Shake it like a polaroid
picture”?). Also, Eve Lindley was a name I heard buzz about, but had never got a
chance to see her in action. So, it was a no brainer. I'm sick and home... Just try it. Well, the opening scene with Richard E Grant made me uncomfortable
just staring at him for what felt like an eternity, but then I was in awe that he was in this too. There are
so many great folks in this series. And what the what?!?!?! - Jason Segel created it. Well, what a glorious ride. The details and stories woven like a blanket that keep you cuddled and comfy through each and every episode. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. I watched 9 of the 10 episodes in
one day. I was going to wait till Paul fell asleep to watch the last one because I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen. Unfortunately, I
fell asleep. This proved to be perfect because I watched the last episode the next morning over coffee. It was life altering, mind shattering
and heart breaking in that really powerful way where you’re happy for such a different ending than you'd imagined. The speech that was given at the end, on stage, is by far the most
important thing I have ever needed to hear. It was simple, self shattering
(though I’ve shattered this self about a thousand times at this point, hence
not knowing who I am and all…) and as intended, this audience member felt seen and
understood. That’s all humans really ache for. To be seen and understood. I’m
confused about who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing and I feel so alone
in these feelings because the collective behaves as a group of singles instead
of an inclusive WE. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. I don’t know who I am now. I’m not
“cured” or secure with which path to go down in this life. I’m as flawed as
I was yesterday, but today I’m not alone. I’ve secretly always known that, but
until it’s attached to a quiver that can pierce your exact armor, you just don't feel it. I felt it so completely this time. Coupled with a few personal realizations that have upended my thinking pattern these last two weeks, I feel more broken than ever. The kind of broken you get to before you finally piece together who you are. I'm excited. This show is now my ALL TIME
favorite show and I will be watching it again before my 7 day
trial is over in just 5 days. It’s a wild ride with so many underlying and
right in your face messages. It is like nothing I’ve ever seen before and I
can’t imagine anyone being able to repeat this kind of magic. It has stirred me
to write without fear. To live in the space beyond the physical and find my
Elsewhere. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Nothing is by accident. I was meant to find this piece of
art to inspire me so wholly. To take my beautiful darkness along with
some pixie dust and turn it into a place that no one has ever seen before. If I
hadn’t found Audible 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been open to a Podcast and
if I wouldn’t have found Armchair Expert, I wouldn’t have heard Jason Segel and
I would’ve missed the most precious piece of art that I have ever seen… <i>Dispatches
from Elsewhere</i>… I took the ending monologue and turned it into a colorful expression that I can hang above my writing desk (shown below). As I was creating
it and rehearing those words, it’s me. Jason is me. That is what I feel after
having watched. Those exact words sum it up so simply, so completely. I am Jennie Camile.
I am YOU... and NOTHING is by accident... </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">In Divine Nonchalance, I encourage you to find your Elsewhere... </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig2LgSSER7R7KqI6G84he1zeZNvYRVcCISVPR36PUQyND1wPJTRi-YX1Y6GHz74fSHXYe6496UQyGyKwLcZ7tvjOST3ivhhXtQ0_DNT0ikyq8KR36o4-K0KJzIOwZKd686AgilvrLMiKc/s2048/20210609_171442.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig2LgSSER7R7KqI6G84he1zeZNvYRVcCISVPR36PUQyND1wPJTRi-YX1Y6GHz74fSHXYe6496UQyGyKwLcZ7tvjOST3ivhhXtQ0_DNT0ikyq8KR36o4-K0KJzIOwZKd686AgilvrLMiKc/w480-h640/20210609_171442.jpg" width="480" /></a></span></div><o:p></o:p><p></p>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-69124303910582015962021-04-06T15:33:00.002-07:002021-04-06T20:35:24.326-07:00Soul Stories <p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh00ooj9y2rjWUcOwsNlmyeTPSzFeqmdrThW3hDj6S3WT5iFV_T3WX5CEJVsTkf3pTrTx8UbN8xwyj3wMhi40Ly7x98zdweq2vNOMcG2eO-3hR57beJkYvFjEQHJzCds22lihNyai_o5Zw/s640/115994774_2702759313271662_1110683092109891800_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh00ooj9y2rjWUcOwsNlmyeTPSzFeqmdrThW3hDj6S3WT5iFV_T3WX5CEJVsTkf3pTrTx8UbN8xwyj3wMhi40Ly7x98zdweq2vNOMcG2eO-3hR57beJkYvFjEQHJzCds22lihNyai_o5Zw/s320/115994774_2702759313271662_1110683092109891800_n.jpg" /></a></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I wrote the intro to this blog about 10 times. Trying to fluff it up and explain why I haven't written in so long. All I need to say is 2020... </span></span></span><p></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The emotional repercussions are felt far and wide. We're starting to pick up the pieces and process all that we've been through. I dealt with 3 different spells of deep, dark depression during this pandemic. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Towards the beginning, the fear of it all paralyzed me. Not only did we have the virus to contend with, but the devastating images we saw before the Black Lives Matter protests (and during) were heart breaking. Fearful of losing my parents or loved ones to the virus were coupled with watching someone lose their life at the hand of someone else who was hired to protect. It was a lot to deal with. I was holed up for almost a month just terrified. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Then it didn't end, this new way of life that we thought was only to be temporary became permanent. After a few good months of working and trying to get back to life, the sadness took hold of me again. Not being able to travel or do things with the people I love set in and made me so blue. There came a few weeks of staying in my home under personal rainclouds. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Snapped out of it again. We made the most of everything and adapted and I was starting to feel better. Then came January 6th, 2021. This is when something in my brain snapped. I shut all the way down. I didn't know how I'd ever get out of bed and have the courage to get back out in a world I didn't recognize. I haven't felt a threat to our liberty and justice like that since 9/11. Except these were our own people... United States Citizens... That really messed me up... </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">These dark times didn't come without bright lights of understanding and internal work. I'm grateful that I am a very introspective person who desires to untie the threads of trauma in order to be a more viable and thriving human in the world. So, every day that I sat in bed, I dissected what was triggering and why I was feeling the varied array of feelings. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Safety, Truth, Understanding and Freedom are what I came up with. These 4 things are vital to my happiness. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">When I say the word "Safety," it's not a desire to never be harmed, but just a basic feeling that I am safe. We cannot control what happens to us in life. I get that. What I value is the feeling that the world is inherently good. When you engage in it, you come to find that it is. It's when we were isolated that we could only see what the world looked like through screens or other people's lenses that distorted truth. I also desire for <b><i><u>all beings</u></i></b> to feel safe. It is hard to feel perfectly safe when fear radiates from others in the world. I feel it all. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Truth. It's all we can stand by. Our truth is also flawed, at times. This becomes evident when you start recounting a shared experience from 10+ years ago with someone who was there with you. Their account is like night to your day. How can you both come away with such a different feeling or memory of the same experience? It has to do with how you were feeling that day, what you focused on and what you decided to take away. OUR TRUTH IS NOT <b><i><u>THE</u></i></b> TRUTH. No one's truth is. Still, we should share our truth openly and with whomever we come in contact with. When we own who we are, we can be such better people in the world. We're not having to be a chameleon in different circles, we don't have to change bits of our stories depending on the audience and as Mark Twain so eloquently said: "If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything." Being truthful, even when you think you'll look silly or different is the bravest thing you can do. Plus, you help people to be more open and honest about themselves or feel less alone by hearing your story. Truth is the most beautiful gift you can give. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Understanding. This one is the hardest, but I have learned that it's something I crave most of all. I crave being seen and heard. You won't be understood all the time, but you should have at least one or two people in your life that sit on or are very close to your same wavelength. Responses that trigger me are "here's what you should do" or "I always do..." It is not the other person's fault. They are listening and attempting to help, but so often we just want to be heard and validated. "I hear you. I understand," is like the spoonful of sugar that makes the <i>how to</i> medicine go down. I know that I can't expect this from everyone and how I take it is half of the exchange. I just need to be sure to communicate more often with those who do operate this way to fill up my cup for all other conversations that don't have understanding baked right in. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Freedom. Wow, we are so lucky and yet there are still so many who don't feel completely free. It's hard to take pride in my freedom when people in my own country are not treated with liberty and justice for all. I love my country, but we have a lot of work to do. I have really been thinking about the word "freedom" and as a woman I feel stifled sometimes. Not to compare, at all, to the struggles of racism or hatred, but there are still things that come up where I feel less than. The fact that as a woman, just going outside for a walk can lend itself to cars honking or guys screaming from their windows is icky. Cat calls and long looks are demeaning and unasked for and so in that respect alone, I feel an infringement on my freedom. To just be able to exist without any attention. That would be REAL freedom. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;">I gained the Quarantine 15 for sure. Put on some extra weight where extra weight already sat. I have 100 lbs to lose. Walking around the world in this physique compared to 10 years ago when I was 60lbs lighter has opened my eyes to how people are treated so differently based on looks. For the longest time, I have preferred to stay heavy because I never liked the attention of men's long stares or whistling. It is something that really makes me uncomfortable. So, my flawed logic has been to stay heavy to stay safe from unwanted attention? Who is that serving? I was not made for anyone else. I was made to be a happy, healthy individual who looked however the hell she wanted to. Last month, I started to take care of myself for the first time in a long while. It feels amazing to be on the road to better health, but the aspects that eluded me were the emotional and psychological. The addictive habits are never the issue. It's the WHY that needs more investigating. Why are you eating that bread and butter? Why are you having those sweets? It's never because you want to be unhealthy. Who would ever want that? Diving into boredom, sadness, regret, loss, etc. has allowed me to see the root of my unhealthy habits. It's never just the band-aid. There is always a cut underneath that needs mending. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now that health is a priority for me, I am back to my favorite activity - walking! Today, I was on one of my morning walks and I heard a song that I've heard a thousand times before and yet it held such a deeper meaning this listen. It's by a band called THE KILLERS and it's called "MY OWN SOUL'S WARNING." This song is my favorite off the album for so many reasons, but today this song cracked my soul wide open. You know that feeling when you go against your grain because you just want to feel something so bad? That is what I've been doing. Going against "my own soul's warning." All the ways I've not felt good, had health issues, felt depressed and alone. Those were warnings from my soul and I just kept ignoring them. When he speaks of "I just wanted to get back to where you are..." I always used to think that he was talking about someone else. A lover, girlfriend, etc. Today, I heard the song as a love letter to me. To get back to where my best self is. It was a huge revelation that changed how I'll forever hear this song and it was the push I needed to find her, me, again... </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #050505; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;">Enjoy the song below... </span></span></p><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="a7s82-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a7s82-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a7s82-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫</span>♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪</div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="8hq0b-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8hq0b-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8hq0b-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I tried going against my own soul's warning</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="397bd-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="397bd-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="397bd-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">But in the end, something just didn't feel right</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="drtl8-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="drtl8-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="drtl8-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Oh I tried diving even though the sky was storming</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="5hkv0-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5hkv0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="5hkv0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I just wanted to get back to where you are</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="734ah-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="734ah-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="734ah-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">If you could see through the banner of the sun</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="b8p2r-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b8p2r-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="b8p2r-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Into eternity's eyes like a vision reaching down to you</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="2vdi7-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2vdi7-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="2vdi7-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Would you turn away?</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="15e0b-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="15e0b-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="15e0b-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">What if it knew you by your name?</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="f66ln-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f66ln-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="f66ln-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">What kind of words would cut through</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="23oft-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="23oft-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="23oft-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">The clutter of the whirlwind of these days?</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="8n3ui-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8n3ui-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8n3ui-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I tried going against my own soul's warning</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="7h3k9-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7h3k9-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7h3k9-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">And in the end, something just didn't feel right</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="348sj-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="348sj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="348sj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Oh I tried diving even though the sky was storming</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="3lr6g-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3lr6g-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="3lr6g-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Thunderheads were forming</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="b73g1-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b73g1-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="b73g1-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">But man I thought I could fly</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="9tshu-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="9tshu-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="9tshu-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">And when I hit the ground</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="845tj-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="845tj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="845tj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">It made a messed up sound and it kept on rattling through my days</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="17e6c-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="17e6c-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="17e6c-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Cutting up my nights like a goddamned knife</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="2ma4v-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2ma4v-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="2ma4v-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">And it got me thinking no matter how far</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="9rr7h-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="9rr7h-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="9rr7h-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">That I just wanted to get back to where you are</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="u3n3-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="u3n3-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="u3n3-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I tried going against my own soul's warning</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="4a4jt-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4a4jt-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="4a4jt-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">But in the end, something just didn't feel right</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="6ktrk-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6ktrk-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="6ktrk-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Oh I tried running from the memory and the mourning</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="1vcs8-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1vcs8-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="1vcs8-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">But the penalty kept on pouring</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="dr6qv-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="dr6qv-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="dr6qv-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">And now I think I know why</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="a5bcm-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a5bcm-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a5bcm-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">'Cause when I hit the ground</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="eq0vl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="eq0vl-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="eq0vl-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">It made a messed up sound and it kept on rattling through my days</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="d7aor-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="d7aor-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="d7aor-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Cutting up my nights like a goddamned knife</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="bd2kh-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="bd2kh-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="bd2kh-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">And it got me thinking no matter how far</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="3cs5g-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3cs5g-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="3cs5g-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I just wanted to get back to where you are</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="8up7e-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8up7e-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8up7e-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="aqk8s-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="aqk8s-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="aqk8s-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Songwriters: Brandon Flowers</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="b53fu" data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="color: #050505; direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px; position: relative; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫</span><span face=""Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif">♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫</span><span face=""Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif">♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫</span><span face=""Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif">♬♪</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="color: #050505; direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px; position: relative; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="color: #050505; direction: ltr; position: relative; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">HEAR THE SONG HERE: </span></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="b0g42-0-0" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span face="Segoe UI Historic, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="color: #050505;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4go_DzY8wHc">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4go_DzY8wHc</a></span></span></div></div>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-47275593437723534352020-04-05T13:07:00.000-07:002020-04-05T13:07:53.833-07:00Stay Home <div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqSXNwuAuYng4PAwyNvBAEWHDpBMYTwJsWkx2WEMMgqe1oMZjR7pk-Sq3NAuWMe6DEFCz6UuBTJMYW-6DaIrtBLapz-3NgQgnyp6EvZ7yqAiZhptuI20VA8SN8zbfVVs1CNZbvs00tGE/s1600/1dd941ef-f647-49ab-beae-4af02ac39933-5e7a423d9e8d3-1520x800.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1520" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqSXNwuAuYng4PAwyNvBAEWHDpBMYTwJsWkx2WEMMgqe1oMZjR7pk-Sq3NAuWMe6DEFCz6UuBTJMYW-6DaIrtBLapz-3NgQgnyp6EvZ7yqAiZhptuI20VA8SN8zbfVVs1CNZbvs00tGE/s320/1dd941ef-f647-49ab-beae-4af02ac39933-5e7a423d9e8d3-1520x800.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The waves of feelings rush in like the highest waves towering over the Hawaiian sands. Some days I am the professional surfer who can ride it like a champ. The news, statistics and warnings all hit me, but I still find a way to turn and tip my board whatever way I need to stay afloat. Other days, I am the newbie who cannot grab a wave to save her life. The emotions, stress, fear all overtake me until I head home, climb into bed and watch six (yes, I said <b><i>6</i></b>) Sandra Bullock romantic comedies</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> back to back. I can tell by looking on social media, we're all pretty much feeling the same. Some days are just better than others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">At the beginning of this pandemic, I was beginning a new chapter of life. I finally found a job that let me make my own schedule, paid well and didn't put me back in an office setting which I had so grown out of. I was pumped to get started and see where this all could lead. Would becoming a Shipt shopper be enough income? Would I like shopping for a living when I don't even like shopping for myself? Would my anxiety be a factor in this type of work environment? All the normal questions crept into my mind and the answer to all of them were YES. Yes, I can earn a hefty income. Yes, I absolutely love shopping for people. It's like a scavenger hunt each time. Plus, you get to see the store in a whole new way and learn about items that you didn't even know existed. Yes, anxiety is just a part of me. As Luka Bloom sang, "No matter where you go, there you are." The blessing about this new adventure is that when I feel anxiety creep in, I can change aisles and distance myself to catch my breath. I don't have to ask permission to take care of myself. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">The great part about this job is that I can take work when I want. I can bow out when I need a mental health day.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> I am no longer chained to a desk and on someone else's schedule. I am free. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Recently, I ran into the shopper with the most seniority in our area. He has done over 1,000 shops and has the jacket to prove it. His jacket is what actually caught my eye. <i>"1k Shopper"</i> I was in awe of one thousand as I humbly try to climb the mountain to fifty. I introduced myself and he explained that it's not this busy or lucrative normally. He still makes a nice living, but right now the iron is hot and so I got in at just the right time. He was so kind and for the first time in a while I realized that I am not alone. For a while there, I would watch Paul go off to work and on our lunch walks, I'd listen to my Mom talk about her job and I felt alone. I was home and not a part of anything. When I was at my desk job, I dreamed of being home and not having to deal with anyone or anything, but as they say "be careful what you wish for." This introvert who stumbles through life with a fistful of depression and anxiety actually craving to be around people? I was as shocked as anyone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Staying home <i>wasn't</i> what I wanted. Even though that has been the goal since October 25th when I bid adieu to my desk job. Now I know the core value I was searching for was freedom. When you learn these things about yourself, you have to settle into the shift. It's not as if *BAM* you are a whole new person overnight. You really have to sit with it and learn how your values and perspective have changed over time. I only now (6 months later) have come to realize what I was truly seeking. Now I get to cultivate this new experience into a journey of finding more pieces of myself. What was so daunting has become a new lease on life. The amount of times I've recreated myself is now at 6. I have had 6 different pivotal moments in my life where I felt like someone new. May seem like too many to some, too few to others, but for me it is just the normal progression of self discovery and growth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">In this time of uncertainty, there will be a lot of growth for all of us. There are things we are going to go through and deal with that we have never dealt with before. I've become a better bread maker because for a little while we couldn't find bread. I finally tried my vegan burger recipe and made a ton of them to freeze so that we didn't waste any ingredients. Paul sharpened his sewing skills and made us both masks to wear when we venture out. Distilleries in the area have started making hand sanitizer. Some restaurants have turned their dining room into makeshift stores where the public can come buy bread, butter and essentials that are going unused due to lack of dining out business. There are so many ways that people are stepping up and making the most of the situation and it's so amazing to see. Looking after those who cannot go out is also a big piece of that. I check in with my Mom almost daily to make sure that she and my Grandma are healthy as well as ensuring they have what they need for their household. It's one thing I can do to be of service and keep them safe. That is now spilling over into my new career as well. It is so rewarding to be out there helping those who have compromised immune systems or want to adhere to the guidelines to stay home because they should not take all four of their kiddos to the grocery store. People are so appreciative and it is true what Phoebe (F-R-I-E-N-D-S reference) says "there is no selfless good deed." Truth to that. It is somewhat selfish because it makes me feel so good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Thank you to all the families who are graciously staying home and either sending one parent out to venture for food or ordering groceries in. On the other side of the coin are those families or younger folk who think that this pandemic is a holiday. - Insert steam rising from my head here - STAY HOME. This is not a time to browse through the aisles at Target. This is not a time to try on clothes or grab a new rug for your living room floor. This is not the time to bring your family of 6 to the Toy aisle and let the kids run around so that you can finally tire them out somehow. This is not the time for you and your 4 friends (who are all still living at Cal Poly) to act rowdy, throwing footballs across aisles or taking up the entire game aisle debating what games you should buy because as you so obnoxiously screamed it "we're in a damn quarantine, ya know?!?!?!?!" - Insert eye rolls and people muttering under their breath: <i>well then act like it</i> here - </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Why won't people listen? STAY HOME. STAY HOME. STAY HOME?!?!??! If you are not doing essential work, you should be home. When you go out to the grocery store, you should be getting in and out. Yes, Target is enticing with all it's other aisles, but right now it is best to pretend that Target is a grocery store. Get your essentials and get out. 4-5 friends or 2 parents and their 4 children should not be in the stores right now. Send 2 people or 1 parent. We have cell phones and video chat if you need direction or guidance whilst shopping. THERE IS NO EXCUSE at this point. We all know what is at stake and it so hard on the rest of the people who are just trying to follow the rules. I have no idea what it's like to be a parent, but I have very close friends who have little ones and they are home. Period. It's not fun and they wish they could walk around with their kiddos somewhere stimulating to burn some energy, but that's just NOT our reality right now. And those young folk... I just have no words. It is not partay time. There is no school for a reason. Think about that reason the next time you are thinking of going out and don't take the whole crew. I wish it was a <i>let's go out for a fun outing</i> time, but it's all about staying in. You can get creative and make memories inside. Also, no sports. It seems like a no brainer, but there are folks having full on volleyball, football and soccer games. Yes, IT SUCKS... I know, but just try and envision the germs and sweat you're touching when you catch that ball. Germ city! Just don't do it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">We have entered a new normal and it is difficult, but what would be more difficult is to hear that you infected a stranger or your friend or family member and they didn't survive. We all have a great responsibility to act in a protective manner for all of humanity. I feel that our collective spirit is changing and for the better. Change always brings discomfort and uncertainty. However, it is so beautiful to watch the caterpillar become a butterfly. We would never ask to go through something like this and nor do we want to lose people to an illness. Still, to every dark there is a light. To every day there is a night. Innovation and creativity are at an all time high. We are seeing so many people take a step back into themselves. We've been running so fast and not really focusing on what lies within. Now we have been forced to stop. What a blessing in disguise. We get to STAY HOME. We get to realign ourselves and see the world differently. We all get a chance to shift. So many caterpillars are in their cocoons right now. So many butterflies will emerge. What a beautiful day that will be... </span><br />
<br />Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-29640874732628520412020-03-22T09:00:00.001-07:002020-03-22T09:00:19.011-07:00Choices in Uncertain Times <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8ICXpO8xZtsaPEPG2q99afW1dc2Vm5C3Ms03eA5IbtojAswIIvNP4cWVu_w7r-BwXht_ARbpP-ApYG3kVQpUQBDEf-biRfYnu9_PsXau9HeDyrF0_dGIc-bNInAU6YQA0hD3Pr36aiA/s1600/14526895-black-drop-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="431" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8ICXpO8xZtsaPEPG2q99afW1dc2Vm5C3Ms03eA5IbtojAswIIvNP4cWVu_w7r-BwXht_ARbpP-ApYG3kVQpUQBDEf-biRfYnu9_PsXau9HeDyrF0_dGIc-bNInAU6YQA0hD3Pr36aiA/s200/14526895-black-drop-.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">These are uncertain times. I've been fine up till now. No major freak outs. Calm, cool, pragmatic and cautious. I had a panic attack last night which made it so hard to fall asleep. Then I slept for about 4 hours and now I'm up before the sun to try and get through these deep emotions that are rattling me. We're all rattled. We can say we're not, call this a hoax or brush it off and say "if I follow all the <i>rules</i>, nothing is gonna happen to me or my loved ones." Still, grocery store shelves are bare, people are losing their businesses and thousands around the world have lost their lives to this thing. This thing that has so many conspiracy theories around it that it has a back story of its own. Someone else can write that blog. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">We're here now, this is our new reality. However it came to be doesn't change the fact that we are going to have to overcome this. How to overcome it still lingers in the grey area. A different expert, each day, says something different. We know that if we shelter in place, we can "flatten the curve," but that doesn't mean that we can beat it. It is essentially a flu bug that we as humans need to contract to gain immunity. Flattening the curve just means prolonging the inevitable so that hospitals can keep up with those who truly need supportive care. At least that's one take I've heard on it. We currently have 21 cases in San Luis Obispo County and 20 of those people are home battling it out. 1 person needed hospital care. There is no medicine to take at home. You ride it out like the flu. Tylenol, soup and rest. It's pretty much what we all do, yearly, when the flu comes calling. So, why did so many people have to die? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">We hear numbers. As painful as it would be, I prefer to see faces. We get so desensitized to the fact that those 13,000+ people each had a family, a dream, a life. "13,000 and counting" is just one line of data. There are so many strands of data around each one. We are sheltered from information like where they grew up, what their passions were, who they fell in love with, how they made a living, who they called family and how they impacted the world around them. It's just so very heartbreaking and in these modern times, it's just a number on a screen. Not for those communities, not for those countries, but on the nightly news, we hear the number and go "wow," but do we really grasp that heartache? Do we want to? Of course not. Who wants to go down that rabbit hole of despair? <i>Stay positive. Smile. Everything will be all right.</i> It's not all right. I feel it all. I've been trying to push through and get out of feeling this one, but whenever I do that, it eventually comes rushing at me like a tidal wave out of nowhere. That wave drenched me last night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">My Mom is Immune Compromised. My Grandma is 84 years old. These women are my lifeline. Their kind of love and support has saved me 3 separate times when I thought my world was ending. My story may have ended if not for them and my Mister Paul. There is no judgement, just unconditional love. So, as I sat there last night, the little <i>asshole</i> in my head whispered: "What if you lose them?" We all have that voice in our head that floats in and pretends to be our own voice and stirs up chaos in our brain. I tried to silence it and the tears just came. I sobbed for a good 40 minutes. Then, I just laid there in a state of shock and bliss. I let it out. I finally let myself feel the fear that I told myself I wasn't going to feel. Covering it up with <i>FINE</i> is not the way to go. Nothing is fine. This is unprecedented. Still, I spoke to fear and said "I live in the moment and everyone's here. Everyone's being mindful and careful." That is the information that is most true and real. We are all doing our best in these chaotic times. That is the current status. Beyond this is fear binoculars that only see the worst possibilities. I will NOT look through those lenses. We only have right now. This moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Right now. Well, on Friday the 13th (of all days), Paul and I realized the virus (that shall not be named) was actually something that would be affecting our day to day lives. After he got off work, we ran over to Ralph's to stock up on essentials and the shelves were still healthy. Lots of supplies to choose from. We got a few extra cans of beans and corn and such, but we didn't hoard. We didn't even buy toilet paper. That was not on our radar. To us, toilet Paper isn't essential. So many other ways to clean your bootay. Anyhow, after that shopping trip I went out to dinner with my Mom and Gma for a girl's night to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I didn't know that when I said "goodbye" that night, I wouldn't get to hug them again or see them in person for quite sometime. We are going on day 9. Doesn't seem that long when you type it out like that. We've certainly gone this long without seeing each other in the past, but there's just a heavy cloud over these days. Each day feels like a year. Time moves so slowly. It's the knowing that we CAN'T go see them that is hard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">On Sunday, March 15th, we heard these words: <i>Those who are immune compromised or over 65 are urged to stay indoors. </i>Just like that, our worlds officially changed. Mom had to stay home from work and her and Gma had to stay inside. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I had recently become a Shipt shopper (delivery person mainly for Target, but occasionally Ralphs, Vons and Smart & Final too). I had always planned to start shopping as a career around the 10th</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">. After a thorough background check and two hours of online training, I started this gig on Saturday, March 14th. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> By the time the news hit for everyone with compromised systems to stay inside and have no contact with anyone who could potentially be carrying the virus, I had done a few shopping trips. This meant I couldn't even go visit my Mom or Gma. When I shop, I am so very cautious: use hand sanitizer, stay ample feet away from people and I get in and get out fairly quickly. Still, I could have no symptoms and be a carrier for the virus and so I need protect the ones I love. Our new normal is that we can talk and walk separately and we will leave them food on their doorstep when they need something or when I bake a fresh batch of bread. I'm not scared for me. I am scared for them. Well, when I typed that, I called </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: x-large;"><i>bull</i></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> because I am scared for them, but it has to do with me. I'm scared of losing my people. Those two ladies are such pillars of my life. I know someday, it's inevitable that we will be separated by galaxies, but I think everyone would agree that this ain't the way to go... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Well that got dark. On a positive note Shipt shopping is so much fun. It's like a scavenger hunt. The App you use is awesome and had it been any other time, there wouldn't be so much added stress. Having to substitute someone's entire shopping list with what is left is a hard feat, but I honestly find it fascinating and fun. That being said the first few days of shopping, I got some side eye and I even had one lady say some unkind words to me. <i>This girl keeps coming to the store to stock up and hoard</i> is how their face looked or literally what came out of that one lady's mouth to me. I would either open my jacket so they could read the <i>SHIPT</i> across my t shirt or I would explain, (like I did to that elderly woman) that I am shopping for those who cannot go out right now. She was combative and said something about how it "must be nice to be able to afford such a service." Her tone elevated in such a way that I continued on down the aisle. I have things to do and negativity is overflowing enough already. I made a choice to press on. In my life, I have had to press on so often. Career has been a tricky beast for me and I really excel in my passions and personal life when I have a part-time job. My creative passions need to be part of my life. They keep me breathing. I am so excited to have finally found a gig that will potentially afford all that. I love shopping for people. I just didn't expect to being doing it during a pandemic. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The shelves are empty people. They truly are. Most fresh meats are gone so I have to text the customer that I can substitute for a frozen variety? Or "I'm sorry to report that there are no eggs in the store." It's more time consuming than it will ever have to be, once we get through this pandemic. Right now it is far more rewarding. I'm helping people. Yes, I started this as a means to pay some bills, but now the cards and texts I receive about our helpful service during this crisis is uplifting. Those kind souls cancel out the judges who either think I'm exploiting elders or that I am purposely running around the store to spread germs. I was always going to do this work. It is affording me more income because of the demand, but anyone who REALLY KNOWS ME knows that income has never been the carrot in front of me. I need it to pay bills, but beyond that, I don't care what is resting safely in the confines of my bank account. It's money. It is to be spent to enjoy this life now. Can't take it with you and sure as hell ain't doing any good if it's sitting in the bank and I die tomorrow... That's just my philosophy and honestly please keep your own philosophy. We don't have to match. Just don't force your views on me. I would never do that to you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Choices. How we live our lives. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Those kiddos who went to spring break during a pandemic or the family of 4 kids running around Target while Mom and Dad buy groceries just after we were told to shelter in place. It is easy to judge. So easy. I initially judged. <i>What are they thinking? Silly kids not taking anything seriously. So selfish. Why does an entire family have to come to the grocery store the day after there was an official shelter in place order put in place? </i>We don't know what is going on inside those people's minds or hearts. Their fear could whisper to them "rebel, go to the beach anyway" and instead of having the skill set to realize that voice in their head isn't always their own, they listen and own that thought. The family in the store could be so fearful of being apart that they just brought everyone not trying to be selfish or meaning to put anyone else in danger. They may have another skill set, another tool box. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Recently, I heard someone writing off another for their lack of ability to get something done. It got me thinking of how easy it is for us to sideline commentate. We all do it. Some people just don't catch themselves before letting it all come out of their mouth, potentially hurting someone <i>on the field.</i> Each player has different skills. This is why they have different positions. "You're good with your hands, you be the goalie. You're good at getting right in there, you be a forward." We all have a toolbox. As we go through life we grab more tools, but each tool is specific to the life that is being lived. We cannot expect that everyone has the same set of tools. This comes up a lot when people try and compare traumas. "Well, my life was so much more traumatic than yours" or "I've been through so much more than her, why is she so broken?" Well, not everyone has a supportive family or a chance to go to therapy or the ability to see that internal work is needed. Not everyone has the tools you have in your toolbox. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. The choices we make aren't meant to hurt anyone. Honestly, the majority of people are good. Lend them some tools if you will, but never look down on anyone for not rising to challenges the way you would (or hope you would). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">There have been deliveries I've made where people were concerned that I was still out there in this pandemic world. They would ask the question as I handed over their grocery bags. They needed their groceries delivered. Who else is gonna do it? I felt that they didn't expect me to be the one delivering the groceries. Once they saw a face to go with the name of their Shipt delivery person, they saw me as human again. They appreciated me for helping them, but they wanted me to be okay. There is an underlying fear. Understandably. I have it myself. Yet, you cannot expect groceries to be delivered and then think the person who delivered said groceries is crazy for going out there. <i>I don't agree with the fact that she's out there in harm's way because she needs to earn a living. She should have set up her life differently. Some savings or something?!?!?!?</i> I can see it in some of these faces. I'm an empath. I KNOW. Would this person like to take care of my responsibilities for me? If you're so scared of my being out there in it, then I need an income in order to stay at home. Will you afford me one? I didn't think so... I'm not asking for one. I'm earning one. It's a catch 22 that nobody wants anyone out there, but they need groceries. The reality is that the majority of people don't have a savings account to bail them out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I stand by my choices. I support everyone's choices. I only ever have a hard time when others attack my choices because I'm not attacking theirs. It is my life to live and right now I feel of service and I feel so grateful that I have a way to earn money in such uncertain times. This time indoors should be a time we all focus internally. What is so threatened inside of you by not being accepting of the way another lives? Dig into that nugget and you'll most likely discover that you fear that your stance will change. You don't want the way you've done something for 10, 20, 30 years to change. You hold tight to your beliefs and they cannot come undone. Ever. If that is how you feel then why would you ever ask someone else to be more like you? They would have to give up their beliefs and the way they've operated for 10, 20, 30 years. Why them and not you? Why you and not them? We all need to realize we are one human species that are not meant to combat each other, but move together to create a space (a seat at the table) for everyone. The war of words needs to end. It will not make you less of a person to understand another human's way of thinking. If we can focus on anything while holed up inside, focus on this: <i>We all have different tools in our toolbox, we cannot judge anyone who simply is not equipped with the tools we have. Why not lend them the tool they need? Why not be accepting? Choices... </i></span></div>
Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-29655024990989697452020-02-27T15:19:00.002-08:002020-02-27T15:29:39.896-08:00Little Bites of Bravery <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I woke up early this morning. Bite of bravery. I took my Mister to work. Bite of bravery. I took a shower and got dressed. Bite of bravery. I broke down and cried with apprehension for a solid twenty minutes. I went to the mirror, took deep breaths and kept telling myself: "there is nothing to be afraid of." Bite of bravery. I put on my makeup through trickling tears. Bite of bravery. I got in the car and drove to the interview. Bite of bravery. I walked in and remained calm with the help of deep belly breaths. Bites and bites and bites of bravery. I did it. We'll see what happens, but at least I tried. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I have been so sad this week. Truly I've been so sad for most of this year already. My sadness is not just the blues where it's like go take a walk and you'll be cured. I feel the collective. The knot in my throat is the heaviest pull and it drains every ounce of sunshine from my soul. Sounds like depression. Why don't I just go get a pill for that and get better already!?!?!? I know this gets so old to anyone who knows/loves me. I've tried pills and they don't take away that feeling, but just make me feel other sensations on top of it. I have periods when I can navigate the blue waves like a senior sailor taking on the open seas with ease and familiarity. It's just the world is so sad right now. I feel it. It is heavy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I heard Lady Gaga on Oprah's 20/20 tour and I was blown away by her open honesty. I highly recommend checking it out (link below). She struggles mentally every day. She takes little bites of bravery and watches them add up to something big. I identified with so much of what she said. Certain struggles we've had are similar, but the bulk of her struggles, I have never endured. I instantly shame myself for comparing because I am healthy (knock on wood) when it comes to my physicality and I don't have to suffer as she does with daily aches and pains. I struggle in the emotional and mental sense only and so I shame myself. "<i>Why can't you just get your mind right? Why do you have to feel so much? You have it so good, why can't you be okay? You're so weak. No one understands you. You're so damaged. You're not worthy of love." </i>It gets really loud in my head sometimes. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> This week I stayed in bed for two days/nights. Open honesty here. I felt sick to my stomach, but I did it to myself. I got so intensely emotional after watching Kobe's memorial and it impacted my thought process in my own life for two whole days. I gave up on myself, my home (cleanliness), my sweet Mister and any productivity I had been making in my life. I gave up. I watched F-R-I-E-N-D-S episodes and escaped into that world. May have been wasteful of time, but I thank the stars for shows like <i>Friends</i> or <i>The Office</i>. I deal so much in my feelings that sometimes shutting it down and escaping is exactly what you need. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Here I sit at my computer, chasing some dim spark. Something just told me to sit down and just write. Writing has been my salvation and I really wish that I had more confidence in my writing, in myself. I know that if I could just have the confidence to play the part, eventually I'd become whatever I'm meant to become. Though this pesky word "become" unnerves me as well. WE ARE ALL SOMEBODY. I don't need to BECOME anything. I just need to find an avenue to fully share who I am. Need to grab confidence and all my passion projects need to come to life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I have so many ideas and every time I get a good stride going, I self sabotage. I let these feelings take over my life and own me. These same feelings that help me create wonderful bits of poetry like: </span></span></div>
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Lost appetite</div>
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Nothing new</div>
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Wasted night</div>
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Already too few</div>
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Light beam</div>
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Revelations</div>
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By any means</div>
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Negotiation</div>
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This for that</div>
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Outside</div>
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To an indoor cat </div>
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Freedom implied</div>
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Door ajar </div>
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Promising escape</div>
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Silent alarm</div>
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Door slams to seal fate </div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">How do I find balance where I keep my feelings tab open to create beauty here and there, but keep my feelings from overtaking me? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> I know this is who I am supposed to be. Like every single piece of life that I have traveled through was meant to happen exactly as it has. Nothing is in vain. No regrets. I am so grateful for all the experiences, good and bad because they've shaped my deeply feeling heart. It is a blessing to be deep, sensitive, open and highly feeling. The pros outweigh the cons, but these deep dark days empty me until I have nothing for anyone. And then comes the feeling of guilt and shame (again) for not having anything to give. Cliche as it is, you've got to love yourself the way you want someone else to love you. I'm so grateful to have a partner stick by me for almost 13 years. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> In the process of writing this, I took a phone call and spoke to a beautifully wise voice. She corrected me when I was putting myself down. I said I was being "ridiculous" for having an anxiety attack before a job interview and she said, "it's not ridiculous. You just need to keep tackling it." She was so right... It is NOT ridiculous! Who I am, what I feel, what I go through is valid. I didn't share all these feelings with her. I feel guilty for that now too. I don't know where this "INVALID" stamp got stamped across my forehead. It's such a disservice to my spirit and soul. The thing is, I stamped it on my own head. I may have received messages and insults along the way that added up, but NO ONE else stamped me "INVALID." Only I could have done that. Time to get out the Brillo pads and bleach. Time to remove that label from my psyche. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> All I can do is take little bites of bravery. Try, try, try. When people who were like superheroes walking on Earth pass away, we are all jolted back to reality. We're not here forever. What good can come from these senseless tragedies? Live better. Be stronger. Love deeper. In their honor, chase life as they would have chased life. Be confident. Have grace. Love yourself. Let go of shame. Try everything. A little bite of bravery at a time... </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Here's a link if you haven't seen Lady Gaga on Oprah's 20/20 tour yet: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8iNYY7YV04&t=25s">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8iNYY7YV04&t=25s</a></span></span></div>
<br />Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-19861332919449916792020-02-04T12:11:00.003-08:002020-02-04T12:11:59.235-08:00SIT IN IT <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">When something ends, we must sit in
it. Sit in the pain or the joy or the feeling of the finite. An ending is not a
beginning of anything that ever was. The finite nature of a true ending is hard
to grasp and so often we say: “the end is just a chance for a new beginning.”
This is a way to make the pain less daunting. We start something else or take
on life a different way, but that’s only distracting us from the very nature of
what we need to deal in. END… </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Our entire existence is based around two facts:
we were born, and we are going to die. When we die there is no beginning for
the people left behind. Sure, some could say that their lives <i><b>without you</b></i>
begin, but there is an END to <i>you</i>. Sounds morbid and painful and that’s why people
just don’t want to go there, and I completely understand. I have been terrified
of death for as long as I can remember, and that fear has kept me alive.
Battling depression and anxiety and just feeling like I completely don’t belong
here, sometimes I think that it would be easier to go. To cause the great END,
but I am so scared of the other side (the beginning of the celestial life, if
there is one) that I would never go there. Plus, I’m an empath and I would hate
to cause pain to anyone in my life. Just to be super clear, I’m not suicidal,
but I think at some point in all our lives we wonder why we’re here or what
would it be like if we weren’t. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Today, I realized that emotions are
meant to be felt fully. If we don’t sit in them, they will come back and grab
us at some point or another. The craziest thing is that this revelation came
after watching THE GOOD PLACE series finale. I had repressed emotions. Sweet
little show pulled a powerful punch and had me sobbing in my living room for a
good hour. It’s not rare that I cry, but it is rare that I sit in it for this
long. It got me thinking how this world has taught us not to feel what we feel.
I have spent the better part of 10 years feeling ashamed for my deep brooding. In turn last week, when I was by my Papi’s bedside at the hospital, positivity
was so important and I did everything possible to hold back tears. When I
heard the news that Kobe Bryant had died, I didn’t want to make it worse, so I
held back the tears. I promised myself that I would never change my sensitive
ways for anything and yet I turned into a bit of a robot and held my feelings
back in these latest situations. I realize a TV show’s end is<i> way different</i> than life or death type scenarios, but THE GOOD PLACE was themed around the afterlife
and so it all hit me rather deeply. We move on so fast and don’t process
everything we should. I was about to turn on another show. I was sobbing,
looking for something to take these thoughts out of my head. Then, I had this
HUGE thought rush over me: “You have to sit in this.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Like I said, I am a BIG <b>deep</b>
thinker, an empath and my journal is my best friend. Deep is my avenue and so
often that becomes <i>too much</i> for people. You write paragraphs confiding to a friend, hoping for real understanding and you get back an answer like: “I’m
sorry you’re feeling this way. Take some deep breaths.” Or “Everything will be
okay.” I am a lucky girl and I appreciate all who are in my life. There are
times when no one understands or they understand, but don’t want to go there
with me. It’s hard. Watching Taylor Swift’s MISS AMERICANA documentary on Netflix
this passed week, she said something that struck me so deep. Paraphrasing, but
its theme was: “I have my Mom and she’s the best to talk to, but there should
be someone I could call to understand my exact point of view. There’s no one. I
should have someone.” Whether she was talking about a love interest or actually
someone who can 100% relate to what she’s going through, I don’t know. Still,
that line resonated with me because I guess everyone is ALL ALONE. In some
aspect, we are alone. Sit in that. Own that. No one can know what we’ve been
through, what we’re going through, how we truly feel. We can have people who
listen and care and love us through it, but that feeling of being truly
UNDERSTOOD is huge. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Sit in it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wrote the first three paragraphs
and I sat some more in this state of enlightenment. This moment is such a gift.
It’s grueling with tears streaming down my face and more confusion than understanding
but writing down these thoughts and ideas is more exciting than anything else I
have ever known. Writing is life. Words are breaths. For a time, I got so into
my head and told myself I was a horrible writer, my thoughts and ideas are
meaningless and basically, I bullied myself into thinking that what I have to
say doesn’t matter. Just as I was saying before that no one can fully
understand, these blank pages understand. They have let me write my life on
them repeatedly. Whoever reads this will understand pieces and my words will no
longer be voids of space. They will be read, maybe criticized or praised, but all
that matters is that these words escaped the prison of my mind. My exact experience
make these words different than anyone else’s and my continual apologies for
who I am are a direct disservice to that uniqueness. I cannot do that anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Last night we watched another TV
Show I love (TV is my friend...), A MILLION LITTLE THINGS and there was one line that was so simple,
but I so needed to hear it: “You matter.” WE ALL MATTER. Everything we each
individually have to say is a direct reflection of the universe. We are all connected,
and we are all valid. The universe has created our realities to help us to
serve the greater population. Any struggles, beginnings, endings, etc. are to
ensure we are equipped with the messages our souls feel compelled to share. SIT
IN IT. Don’t change the channel so that the noise takes away the pain. SIT IN
IT. Feel your feelings FULLY and heal and grow and love. WE ARE NOT ROBOTS.
Feel, no matter who it might make uncomfortable. Be genuine and you will see
your world change little by little. To all the empaths out there who feel the
pain of others and don’t want to add more to that by showing their own pain.
You must show up with your feelings. Your tears may make those around you in
pain feel less alone. It may feel like it is your responsibility to make everything okay. It is not... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful.
And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary
and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful and
relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heart-breaking,
soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”
– LR Knost <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">SIT IN IT… </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-67316837311361832872019-11-19T10:50:00.001-08:002019-11-19T10:50:19.209-08:00I - Be Mindful of What You Put After "I" <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Have you ever sat and just stared at this word "I" before? It is literally one letter and it is so very powerful. It is each of us. We all can say, "I am" or "I like" or "I think" or "I know." For instance, </b><i style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: large;">I</span></i><b> have been on a journey. I found myself completely unhappy with my day to day ambitions and decided that my life was too short to spend it miserable. The stress of going against who <i>I</i> was every day was also taking a very physical toll on me. I had the worst anxiety of my life as well as skin rashes that came and went with my emotions. It became very clear that I needed to change my life. Over six months, I planned over and over again to quit my job, but I kept moving it back and delaying the actual action of quitting. I would make pro and con lists and rationales about why I should just suck it up and really I had a lack of respect for myself. I didn't think I mattered or that I was good enough to make a different life where I deserved happiness. Then, the universe stepped in. I had gotten to a place where I was just open to whatever the universe thought was best. I literally said OUT LOUD: "I will do whatever you think I should. I am open, give me a sign." </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> What I received wasn't one or two signs, but an avalanche of signs. Little arrows pointing straight to my decision. The signs were subtle to anyone else, but to me they were goose bump inducing and loud! I couldn't ignore them. The first being Jason Mraz posting a snippet of a new song he had written which went like this: "Living your dream is hard work, go on and try it, you might like it!" I then went to an Ingrid Michaelson concert where she sang a song that had these lyrics in it: "I have got to make my own world. Find my own words. Be my own girl. I have got to find that fire that used to fly me so much higher than this. Find my own words." I came across a post-it that I had found a while back that simply said "RETURN" on it. When I had previously found it, I felt the spark of returning to something I used to hold so sacred - my dreams. Still, I shoved it in a drawer and didn't act on it then. I found it again during this time when all the messages in the universe were screaming, "DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. THIS ISN'T WORKING!!!" </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> So, I finally quit my job. I knew I had nowhere to be and so I gave a month's notice so that my employer would have enough time to find a replacement for me. October 25th was my last day and only just in the passed 7 or 8 days have I begun starting to digest it all. I threw out my back the weekend after my birthday (October 31st) and was in bed for about a week and that was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I loved laying around, watching TV and doing nothing more than anything. That is what scared me about choosing a life where I would be the one responsible to slice up my day in a productive way. I am a great STARTER. I will come up with a plan and lay everything out and do it for about a week or sometimes even a month, but then I lose my motivation and start something else. I have the beginnings of over 30 projects that I need to finish. Things I never even gave a fair shot at coming to fruition. What I found while laying there in pain is I was lonely and hated being so idle. Those who truly know me, know that I am a homebody. Friday nights at 5pm, I was home, Redbox DVDs in hand with a glass of wine and a Digiorno and if possible, I'd be in for the weekend. This may have something to do with my anxiety, but really since I was a little kid, "where's Jennie?" would usually be followed up with "she's writing in her room." It's just me. I adore solitude. So, again, you can see why I was so surprised at how lonely I was for those 9 days in bed with my back out. And this is when I started to shift my energy back to focusing on this "I" word. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> I have defined myself as someone who values solitude above all else except that wasn't me anymore. I was alone for 9 days and was stir crazy and wanted to see people. Went to three grocery stores just to get some interaction with people and I was more outgoing than I usually am too. I was even making jokes with the cashier and such. <i>I am ever-changing.</i> This started me down a rabbit hole that has profoundly changed my life. I read articles and books and watched videos and listened to audio (books/podcasts) about self evaluation. And here's what I learned, "I" is not concrete. When we attach something to that "I," it's a very concrete statement. <i>I am sensitive. I know Algebra. I think leopard print is tacky. I like Country music.</i> The thing of it is that my feelings are sensitive today and I cannot know all of Algebra. I may sport some leopard print done right in the future and I may not listen to Country Music much anymore. When we define ourselves so tightly to "I" and "I AM!!!" then we give no room or space to be something else which is the purpose of our life's journey. We are meant to grow, evolve, change, shift and bend. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> Now this may bring up a read flag with folks asking, <i>"What about having a sense of self? You have to know who you are and love yourself in order to be a beacon in the world, right?" </i>To this, I say YES and NO. I think anytime you stand so rigidly, you don't listen to other ideas. It is important to be open otherwise you are going to be formulating your rebuttal while someone else is trying to educate you on their views. That's not listening and it's very egocentric to think that your way is the only way. That's why our world is in such a hard place right now. Everyone thinks they're right and no one will have the talks that inform each other in a kind, constructive way. Agreeing to disagree isn't the norm anymore and instead it's just a firm <i><u>I'm right and you're wrong!</u></i> There is a reason there are so many different people on the planet. We are meant to teach and educate each other from our perspectives and it's not to say you will change your stance, but you've got to get open to talking to people and really hearing other takes on this thing we call life. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> My present thought <i>today</i> (ever shifting and ever changing) is the self is something to work through and overcome. I am tackling all my habits and patterns and figuring out what trauma they are linked to. Once I realized that I felt unheard, unseen, unloved at points in my life which trigger my habits and patterns, I could embrace those feelings and sit in them, honoring them so that I can then let them go. Once you start unraveling all the traumas and seeing how you are NOT defined by them, you become free and I am becoming more free of myself. Instead of saying "I am compassionate" or "I am kind" or "I am sensitive." I take the "I" out of it all together. My purpose is to be a kind, compassionate and sensitive being. We are human and so when we say, "I am compassionate" and we're not compassionate with ourselves or we have a moment with someone else where we weren't as loving as we could have been, we feel shame and start to label ourselves in negative ways. "I'm a jerk" or "I really sucked today" or "I hate myself." If you recognize you weren't at your best and you apologize and process why you acted in such a way, you are doing the work instead of labeling. We always think that labeling others is wrong, but labeling ourselves is probably the most problematic. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> You are human. You are here. You are ever-changing. You can feel sensitive or feel angry or feel worthless, but feelings DO NOT define you. You are NOT your feelings. When you can align with that idea, you will free up so much space in your heart and your soul for the universe to guide you into a much bigger space of abundance. When we live in the constraints we put on ourselves, we are closed off from so much. When we listen to the constraints others put on us, we are not being true to ourselves. When your inner voice says something like, "you're a failure," and you say back: "you're right." Then, you are believing that your inner voice is an "I." You are believing that you are what you think and there are so many thoughts that come into our heads on a daily basis that have NOTHING to do with us. Don't attach so much to that "I." </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> In closing, I will say that once you start listening to your inner voice as a spectator instead of believing that's your voice, your life will transform. Once you realize that nothing defines you and that you are always a blank canvas, no matter what you've already painted or paint that you've had thrown on you, your way of moving through the day will be lighter and full of excitement. It's a process and it won't happen overnight. The biggest thing to remember is that patience is not needed only outward. You need to allow for patience to live inside of you and your journey too. Stop using the "I AM" and start living in so much more possibility. Don't define yourself because you'll let yourself down if you change and you WILL change. People often say, "Oh she'll/he'll never change," but I have seen so many people in my life change. Saying that a person will never change is defining them. Be mindful of how you place labels on the people in your life as well. I've only begun this work and so in my relationships, I'm sure there will be a shift. It will take time, but the more mindful you are about what you put behind "I am" or "They are," you will see your world open up and everyone, including yourself, can be allowed to just BE in the present moment. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-79330214508958203992018-10-27T22:58:00.001-07:002018-10-27T23:01:53.479-07:00The Interview <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBoRz7OXx0skKbNjm8IbUpHLPSEUgZRyKZ3Frl57Gcn5VWhI1HRHz-RFGVgHJ8JcErN1jYGjYllx_Qv2OtXUu5L3nc7ygXJLvnUVLSxnbrfaIU1thetY3adQCuXZqGJNwoMTV7Z4hhyphenhyphengo/s1600/thEL4WJD1F.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="174" data-original-width="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBoRz7OXx0skKbNjm8IbUpHLPSEUgZRyKZ3Frl57Gcn5VWhI1HRHz-RFGVgHJ8JcErN1jYGjYllx_Qv2OtXUu5L3nc7ygXJLvnUVLSxnbrfaIU1thetY3adQCuXZqGJNwoMTV7Z4hhyphenhyphengo/s1600/thEL4WJD1F.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">From the
second I listened to the voicemail offering me a chance to come in for an
interview, my stomach began to churn and my palms became sweaty. I was smart
enough to not allow myself to hesitate too long before calling the number back.
This was one opportunity I couldn’t pass up and so I immediately pressed “Call”
and tried to take some deep breaths. The woman who answered the phone was one
of the sweetest people I have ever had the privilege of talking to. She put me
right at ease and set me up for an interview on Tuesday afternoon. I thought, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no problem, I’ll go
to the interview and just take the rest of the afternoon off and it will be a
piece of cake.</i> It was set. I (of course) was bluffing. “No
problem?!?!?!” I actually had a huge problem in the shape of confrontation.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"> I have
not had to interview for something like this in over two and a half years.
Also, I had never been to an interview since I was diagnosed with Acute Anxiety
Disorder. I was in denial as I typed the appointment into my Google calendar
and then I tried to get it off my mind. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No Big Deal.</i> Tuesday
was then, 8 days away. For the “normal” or “average” person, the interview gets
put on your calendar and you have jitters or passing feelings of uncertainty,
but it's a doable life event. I now truly realize, I am no longer a
“normal” person. As I type “normal,” I get a cringe of guilt and dread for
labeling. What is “normal” anyway? There are varying shades of human, there
really is NO “normal.” What I mean to depict here is that the type of jitters I
get aren’t standard or "normal" as in “I hope I say the right thing,”
or “what if they don’t like me?” My jitters are about the unknown factors.
“Will I feel claustrophobic in the interview room?” “Will my stomach make an
embarrassing noise in a silent lull?” “Will I feel the need to run straight for
the restroom?” “Will I not know where the restroom is?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">My anxiety
began last year, a few months after I took a supervisory position that I
essentially had to create from the ground up. I was the first person to take on
the job duties; there was no manual or set of guidelines on how to supervise
staff. It was really a “fly by the seat of your pants” type of situation. We
had recently rolled out a new Electronic Health Record operating system and had
to essentially teach ourselves how to use the software. On top of all that
(like the cherry on top </span><span style="font-family: "segoe ui emoji" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">😊</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">) I had to
deal with a lot of personnel issues between my newly acquired staff members.
All those issues seemed heightened daily and began to create tension, angst and
even more stress. Every day I came into work not knowing what my day would look
like and that instability, day in and day out, formed a high level of anxiety
over time. During this period, I realized my moods changed and I wasn’t able to
function the way I used to. I was not able to sleep, I was eating my emotions
and retracting from social activities that once brought me so much joy. So,
after a lot of denial, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Acute
Anxiety Disorder. It made complete sense, but the fix or "cure" I was
given, just didn’t sit well with me. I was given pills to take and I
followed the regimen for a couple weeks, but I hated the way I felt. I didn’t
feel like ME. I had apprehensions about stopping the pills, but equally felt
the same amount of resistance to taking them. Sharing my issues with
colleagues, the kind of feedback I would receive was, “that’s what this place
will do to you,” or “join the club.” I knew that those kinds of comments were
intended to comfort me and help me to not feel alone, but they did not comfort
me. I felt sad and angry that there were so many co-workers struggling
each day. I couldn't believe that there was a culture that seemed to accept a
workplace or environment that bred anxiety. Why should we all have to adapt to
the environment? Why am I taking pills to change my internal make-up so that I
could function in this environment? The environment needed the changing, but
that's a whole other blog. I stopped taking the pills and tried all kinds of
other natural remedies which really helped at times. Essential oils,
meditating, drinking tea instead of coffee, walking and getting plenty of rest,
but nothing was a cure all. Eventually, I had to do what was best for me and
step down from the supervisor position and go back to my admin job. That helped
my stress levels A LOT, but the damage (unfortunately) had already been done. I
am now a person who suffers from anxiety attacks. My brain is now wired to be
on high alert all the time, 24-7.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Eight days. I
had eight days between finding out I had an interview to the actual day I had
to face the music. Those eight days were excruciating. My brain took the reigns
of my life. The overthinking was out of control. I tried to cry it out, breathe
it out, write it out, but in the end television was the only thing to keep my
mind from completely conquering me. Seinfeld was the biggest help. A show
about <i>nothing</i> really did the trick. I watched it episode after
episode and would fall asleep on the couch watching it. When I fell asleep
while watching, I had deep sleep and that was bliss. However, when I woke up
and moved to the bed to be more comfortable, my brain said, <i>“I’ve got
you right where I want you.”</i> It conjured up the most insane thoughts
and I would be laying there, awake, for the hours until it was time to go to
work. Usually that was around 3-4 hours of me just laying there at the mercy of
my brain. I went to work and keeping busy there was helpful. Though, I had some
added anxiety about keeping the interview a secret because I didn't want anyone
to know I was looking elsewhere for employment. You never know how people will
react. I finally told my partner in crime at the front desk about it, admitting
I was so nervous to go through the interview process. She was so supportive and
mirrored what most family and friends say when you tell them you are anxiety
ridden over an interview. “You’ll do just fine.” “They’re going to love you.”
“Don’t be nervous about what to say.” “You got this!” The thing is, not to
sound conceited or overly sure of myself, but it truly has nothing to do with
the questions or the actual interview portion. My anxiety is what I call
“Irrational anxiety." <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">My definition
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Irrational
anxiety</i> is “the fear of the unknown.” I mean “Irrational” in the
truest sense of its definition: “not logical or reasonable.” I am in no way
putting down anxiety or writing it off as unreasonable. For me, it’s just a way
to explain the difference between having situational or infrequent anxiety
which I deem as traditional anxiety versus what I suffer from: nontraditional
anxiety. Traditional anxiety might look like nervousness caused by standing up
on stage or meeting new people versus nontraditional anxiety which is caused by
not knowing what a setting will look like, how much space there will be between
you and the other people there, the temperature, the lightning, will this
stomach make noises, how far away is the bathroom, will you get flustered
trying to find somewhere to park, etc. None of these things really have
anything to do with the actual content of the interview or anxiety ridden
situation. For me, once I’ve found the building, parked, checked in,
visited the facilities, made my way into the interview room and the interview
begins in a spacious, well lit, comfortable environment; then I am okay. I’m
going to make it. I get to listen intently to questions I need to respond to
and so my brain really can’t take control anymore. It gets frustrating trying
to explain this to people who have never experienced non-traditional anxiety,
because there’s an air of “buck up and just get through it” that comes across
which unintentionally minimizes what it takes to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actually</i> get
through it. The amount of Pepto Bismol tablets alone would be shocking to some,
but you gotta do what you gotta do to get through. It's 90% the build up and
10% the actual situation. It's not just butterflies and rapid heartbeat, but
instead: butterflies, gassy tummy, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, sweaty
everything, lack of breathe, lack of focus, numbness, and much more... <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">As the time
shortened between me and the interview, my tears, shortness of breath, lack of
sleep, worry and dread heightened tremendously. I tried all my usual tricks;
some worked, some didn’t. I knew that I just needed to power through and give
myself this chance at a change. It was time for me to move on from the
environment that had helped create this anxiety in me and I wanted freedom more
than ever. So, I picked the most comfortable (be it a little baggy) but
professional outfit I could find and I got dressed for the day. I had to go to
work for almost the entire day with the interview gnawing on my brain. I wrote
myself some questions in my portfolio to ask the interview panel and I went to
work to watch the hours slowly pass by. I drove to the interview singing “On a
Roll” by Sugarland to pump myself up, but I was way too early to go in. I sat
in the car and tried to settle my nerves. Each passing minute, I grew a little
more panicked. “How am I going to get through this?” I popped a couple Peptos
in my mouth, swigged some water and at ten till, I walked across the street to
the front door. I walked in and was about to state who I was to the
receptionist, but was cut off by one of the interviewers who said with a very
welcoming smile, “Hey, Jennifer, right?” I nodded <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yes.</i> “So
great to have you here, you’re a little early, I’m going to go grab coffee and
then I’ll be ready to go.” I asked if I could use the restroom (though it was a
reflex, I didn't need to go) and he told me where it was. “That’ll be perfect,
I’ll get my coffee, you use the restroom and we’ll meet right back here.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">The interview
was a breeze. It was like talking to two friends. Both interviewers were so
passionate about their work and they shared that passion with me. It was more
like a discussion and less like an interview. It took place upstairs at a very
quaint table with very comfortable chairs. There were just two interviewers,
but the table was on the small side and so we were seated rather close to each
other, but I snuck some deep breaths and once the conversation started rolling,
it rolled on for about forty-five minutes. I had a great feeling about the
place and the environment. Seemed low stress and high on positivity. Yes
please! Sign me up! They thanked me for coming and told me that I would hear
from them about the possibility of a second interview by that coming Friday. I
walked out of there higher than a kite. I was soaring and floating on the
clouds. What a relief! I did it! I went out for Happy Hour to celebrate and
then anxiety reared its ugly head. “A second interview?!??!?!?!” “How are you
ever going to make it through all that again?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Well, they
called me, and I <i>was</i> asked to come in for a second interview.
The gal that phoned said, “It’ll be a five-person panel, just to get to know
you better. I hope you’re okay with a large group like that.” My response was,
“no problem.” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“No
Problem!?!?!?!?”</i> Immediately, all the same feelings came rushing back
to me: sweaty palms, rise in heartbeat, churning stomach and racing thoughts.
This was Thursday and my second interview was on Monday at 10am. I figured out
that to attend the interview, I would just take my lunch early, easy peasy.
Again, it went on my calendar and I tried to move on with life. My nerves were
heightened with the knowledge of a large panel interview. This was a game
changer. I barely slept from Thursday to Monday and I watched a lot of
television to take me to another life. Such a powerful way to escape your life
for hours on end. Thank you Netflix!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">The morning of
the second interview, I laid awake from 3am-5:30am and at 5:30am. I worried
myself into an oblivion and my toilet and I became better acquainted. Hello
Pepto Bismol. Goodbye stomach acid. My Mister (sweet companion in life) took me
to work so that he could pick me up for my interview and be by my side to calm
me before I went in. He was a life saver. We drove up to the interview location
five minutes early; they weren’t ready for me and I was asked to sit and wait.
Oh, the agony. I asked if I could use the bathroom and I really didn’t have to
go, but it was something to do instead of sitting and waiting. I came out to
find that they were ready for me and up the stairs I went again, but this time
into a conference room with a huge long table and four friendly faces smiling
at me. I shook everyone’s hand and introduced myself and though I talked way
too fast and was very nervous with four pairs of eyes on me, I was somewhat at
ease as soon as the questions began to roll. I had space to myself. They didn’t
close the door of the conference room. The energy was positive and uplifting.
It was short and sweet. Done in under a half hour. I did it!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I was told
that I would hear by that upcoming Friday (again), either way. The hard part
was over and now it was just a waiting game. With each passing day, my anxiety
began to melt away, but my anticipation grew and grew. Waiting from Monday
until Friday seemed so daunting, but luckily they only made me wait till
mid-day Thursday. I couldn't believe it when I got the call that I got the
job! I’m still in shock. I pushed through debilitating anxiety, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">twice </i>(well
more times than that, but specifically to get this job – twice! </span><span style="font-family: "segoe ui emoji" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">😊</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>and I now
have my chance at change. I have learned so much through this experience and
feel so accomplished and proud that I pushed myself passed the fear and
uncomfortable situations. I also came to the realization that the reason the
terms “Anxiety” and “Depression” are usually associated with each other is
because anxiety can make you feel down on yourself. I not only was anxiety
ridden, but I was depressed and felt like a failure for having such anxiety.
The thing is, everyone goes through something at some point in their life. So,
we all need to have empathy for each other. Every type of anxiety, every
struggle, every feeling is valid. I have put myself down so many times
throughout the last few weeks because I just wanted to be “normal” and be able
to get through this “normal” life step without all the added chaos of anxiety.
My self-reflective tendencies have me evaluating how wrong I have been. Being
the exact person you are is the most important thing you can do with your life.
Anxiety may leave you feeling helpless or hopeless, but life is a very fluid
thing. Just as I did not have anxiety 2 years ago, I may not have it 2 years
from now. With all the uncertainties that anxiety brings, the one thing we can
be sure of is change. Change is very hard for anyone who suffers from anxiety.
So, it's extra important to take the hard steps forward and push yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /> I am not who I was BEFORE anxiety. I have changed. I am stronger in some ways.
I am weaker in some ways. I am flawed in new ways. The bottom line is that I am
better for it. Change can be debilitating, stressful and emotional, but in all
those ways it also shapes you and molds you into the person you are meant to
become. I may not be exactly who everyone wishes I would be, but I'm learning
to let go of the outside narrative. I may not be exactly who I want to be, but
I'm closer than I was a year ago. I've learned that I need to be nicer to
myself. The dialogue in my mind has been so harsh and self deflating that I'm
trying to ease up. We are hardest on ourselves. Anyone facing anxiety,
depression, difficult feelings or hard times, you are NOT alone. Everyone will
face something similar at some point in their life. Just because someone
doesn't understand your situation now, doesn't mean they never will. Be open,
try to help illuminate the feelings and maybe they'll understand a little more.
Write it out if you must; that is my avenue of choice. My motto is "get it
down on paper, so it won't catch up with me later..." Get it out in some
capacity and watch a little bit of that anxiety mountain chip away. You are not
climbing alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-28976748066543768012018-05-27T19:46:00.000-07:002018-05-27T19:46:17.958-07:00Well Rounded <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I am not okay. I will definitely be okay, but at the present moment, I am not okay. Truth is that none of us are 100% okay. Not all the time. There will be days that are so amazing and good times that make your heart soar and your smile widen, but those days don't last forever. I am grateful for those days and just because I embrace my negative days as I do my positive ones, doesn't take anything away from the good. It's just the truth of life. There is always change which means there is always a 50/50 chance of lows here and there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I was talking to my coworker the other day about social media and how everyone presents their very best self online. It's not a real representation of life on a day to day basis because it is the highlight reel of all the good moments. She and I both agreed that we like to give a more well rounded approach online. One where we share our struggles as well as our triumphs and we share our boring days as well as our excitement filled days. I explained that when I've done so, some have called me negative and that presented another piece of the problem. If you watch social media comments, you will see that there are people who are going to tear you down for any way you slice it. No matter what you stand for, no matter what you say, someone is going to see it from the opposite side of the spectrum. So, in the end, all that matters is what you want to be known for. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I want to be known for telling my life story from all angles. I love to post pictures of happy times and trips with some of my favorite people: my Mom, Gma and Paul, but those are just like shooting stars in the broader night sky of my life. The stars stuck in my night sky are memories that stay there to keep you striving for more shining moments, but behind all that is a dark sky. All the failures, all the tries that didn't pan out, all the tears, all the heartache and all the downs in life are lost in that dark canvas of night. When you search on Facebook, you see star after star after star and if it's something happening right now, it's a shooting star. We need to show a little bit more of that vast dark. The dark is where character is built. The dark is where you create a star which adds a little bit more light to your world. It's NOT a negative thing. The message that we should all show our best sides, best selfies (that took 20 minutes to get the lighting just right), best days is just a disservice. That message, "put your best face forward," means that there are more than one to choose from? I thought being two-faced was a bad thing? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I had a panic attack (a pretty good one) on Friday night when going to see a movie. My favorite theater, sitting on the end of an aisle, but mid way through the movie, I couldn't breathe. At the time, I didn't want to ruin Paul's experience, so I just ducked out to go to the restroom. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, but it was the only quiet place that I could dab a little water on my face and breathe. It took a couple minutes to calm down. I missed 2-3 minutes of the movie and that really bummed me out. Paul was so great and whispered any missed plot to me, but I was still uncomfortable and I've never felt this way before. If anyone knows me, my ALL TIME favorite thing to do in the world is to go to the movies. So, this is why I am NOT OKAY. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I've had anxiety and panic attacks from around March of last year (2017). I had taken a promotion and the job and the situations in place at the time were so high stress that I developed anxiety. I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with acute anxiety and borderline depression. (I've been battling depression on and off for over 15 years) She prescribed me pills that made me feel worse than the anxiety did and so I've just been trying to manage it with other remedies such as breathing, oils, meditation, exercise, etc. What I've come to realize after this latest episode on Friday night in the movie theater is that my anxiety and panic attacks are getting much worse. I have never had that feeling in a movie theater. A couple weeks ago, I had that same fearful feeling come over me just playing cards with family that was in town. I had to excuse myself a couple times just to go to the bathroom to breathe. I have had it happen to me in the grocery store or waiting in line with people standing just a little too close. At the dollar store a couple weeks ago, I just got out of line and left all my stuff in a display at the front of the store. Paul was so kind to go back in later and buy it all for me. I have anxiety in meetings at work and even at fun activities like potlucks. I have to find a seat by the door and preferably, "can we please just leave the door open?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> It's not a feeling of possibly being put on the spot or that I'm not capable to answer questions or unqualified. I feel very secure in my work ability, my knowledge and I've never been one (at least not in the last 10 years) to be too scared to talk in a meeting. So, "what is the problem?" is the common question asked of me. It's a fear of the unknown space. The room and its dimensions, maybe claustrophobia in some aspects. Will somebody sit too close to me and box me in? Will I feel stuck? I already feel stuck because the meeting is from 1pm-2pm and so I have to be in that same space for one hour. If I'm talking or engaged in taking notes or doodling, I'm semi-okay, but if the other people in the room are talking and there's nothing else for me to do, but catch a glimpse of the clock or think of how small my chair is or how warm it's becoming, I will lose my cool. I take peppermints with me everywhere I go. They help me breathe deeper and the peppermint is a natural remedy for upset stomach. I take "Peace and Calming" oil with me and rub it on my wrists and try to inhale the aroma and calm down. Each morning before work, I dab "Valor" oil (which they say is <i>liquid courage) </i>on my wrists and on the back of my neck in hopes that it will set me up for a brave day. Some days it works, some days it does not. <i> </i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I'm not okay. This is not who I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but that's all about to change. I had an epiphany Thursday while doing a task that I passively took on because another person made it so known that they did not like doing said task. My epiphany was that I am a nice person and I do want everyone around me to be happy, but I never add myself to that list. I have given away power for too long. Not the ugly form of power where you control people or feel authoritative over them. I am NOT down for any kind of power in that respect. I'm talking about power to be myself, be worthy of respect and have my voice heard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I am not invisible, I am not silent, I have feelings, I have struggles. I respect everyone else's circumstances, I feel for people, I cry for other's stories and my well of empathy is deep. I am still human. I lashed out a couple weeks ago because I had been keeping my feelings to myself and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt horrible, I owned it, apologized and things will never be the same, but that's life. That's real. We make mistakes, we alter our worlds and relationships, but our actions, we own them and apologize if we want any hope of having continued relationships with those same people we've hurt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> My main message here is that life is messy. Life is NOT Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Life is not a highlight reel. Share your ups and downs so that people can see a well rounded person and not feel so alone. The reason that social media has gotten such a bad rap is because it isolates people to their computer screens and they sit there comparing their present low moment with everyone else's highs. It can be toxic. You'll hear the argument that those people need to think differently or go to counseling. <i>Why should we have to change for a few insecure people.</i> Newsflash - we are all insecure in some way. I have yet to meet a completely secure person. Insecurities and flaws make us human and make us interesting. This affects more people than you realize. You don't have to post every bad thing that happens to you, but show some humility and growth of character. It helps more than you will ever know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">***Shout out of Ryan China McCarney for posting videos after his panic attacks and giving pointers how to get through them. We need MORE of that!*** </span></div>
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Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-44353049013730941302018-03-04T23:49:00.000-08:002018-03-04T23:49:03.147-08:0027 Days <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: large;">January 2018 was a hard month. I lost my best friend in the entire world. An orange fur ball named Dobbie passed away at age 15 and he was the best friend I have ever known. Leading up to that, well, 2017 was a hard year... like the worst year. We lost a family member and friend who was dear to us right at the beginning of the 2017 and things just got worse from then on. I won't bore you with the negative details and I </span><i style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: x-large;">will</i><span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: large;"> say that splashed in between all the dark blues and grays, there was light and color. Life is always an array of all kinds of ups and downs. We had some fun times and made lots of good memories too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">When Dobbie got sick around October 2017, I just thought we would be able to make him better. Countless trips to the vet's office and about $3,000+ later, we had to come to terms with the fact that 15 years for a cat is just the lifespan we get and what a beautiful gift at that. 15 years with this beautiful, kind, loving, ego-less, heart filling little guy. What a blessing. The biggest blessing was that he gave us the gift of choosing to go. We didn't have to take him in and "pull the plug." He died in between Paul and I, on his own terms, and to watch him take his last breath was both excruciating, but at the same time such a beautiful last gift from our pal Dobbie. That whole experience has shaped me and really impacted everything in my life. It was amazingly bittersweet! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">With all its beauty, it didn't make it any less painful. To not have him here every day to talk to, cuddle with and just see him. That was so very hard! He was our home. We hadn't taken that for granted all these years, but once he wasn't present, we realized how much he filled any house we had and made it a home. The week following his passing was a depth of despair for both Paul and I. (I'm so grateful and lucky to have fallen in love with a sensitive guy - sorry Paul LOL - the cat's out of the bag...) Paul had loved Dobbie for 10 years out of those 15 years of Dobbie's life and so we went through it all together and it brought us closer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">What I did differently in my grief was drink. I had been drinking wine here and there all of 2017 - like a glass or two a night and some nights not any, but on average I was drinking most nights. The week that Dobbie left us, I drank a bottle of wine every night of that week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday... I felt so gross, but I was trying to numb the pain. What was my saving grace is that I was self aware. I saw the pattern quickly change to over consumption and almost immediately (within one week) I realized I needed a change. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">For 27 days I didn't drink a stitch of alcohol. I drank mock-tails if I went out to dinner and I made my own mock-tails at home. Usually, ginger beer, grapefruit juice mixed with mint tea and my brain loved the taste and didn't need the wine anymore. At first it was hard, but as I completely cleansed my body of that substance, I actually became more relaxed (which I thought only a glass of wine could do that), less anxiety ridden and my skin and outlook began to clear up. After about day 8, I was good and I didn't even think about it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I thought that the normal outings or trips would be ruined or less fun because I wasn't drinking alcohol, but it couldn't have been farther from the truth. We went to San Diego for my Grandpa's funeral and we made a weekend out of it and did lots of touristy things and I didn't order a single drink. I didn't <i>need</i> it to have fun. We went out to Mexican Food and usually the biggest draw for me is to have a margarita and so I was a little apprehensive, but I ordered a virgin margarita and it was just as enjoyable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I realized that I can have, and am fun regardless. I don't need to drink to have fun, relax or let loose. I enjoyed my 3 day trip without any outside influences needed. Sounds sad when I type this, but that was a huge revelation for me. I have very low self esteem and when I drink, I gain more confidence and you know the expression "liquid courage," I have a ton of that after a glass or two. Great thing is that I no longer need that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">So, 27 days passed where I didn't drink a stitch of alcohol and to celebrate, we decided to go wine tasting. May sound like such a waste after all that effort not to drink and such... Truth is I had wine club shipments I had put off during these last 27 days. Going to pick up the wine would have been hard because the temptation to taste would have been too great. So I needed to pick up my wine before they charged me to ship the wine to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">We went to Venteux and Tooth & Nail wineries. It was such a fun day, three generations of women laughing, talking, sipping and meeting wonderful people and just enjoying life. Very reminiscent to my San Diego weekend - all the same feelings. We went out to eat and pigged out on Cool Hand Luke's steak, onion rings and mashers. Delish! We went home and I slept like a baby.... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Cut to the morning... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">...pounding headache, my mouth felt dry, stomach was queasy. It was a tough Sunday morning and I hated feeling like that again. It took awhile to get out of bed, the room was too bright, the noises too loud. I had a mild hangover. I realized in that moment, it's not worth it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The term "Everything in Moderation" is something that came screaming to the forefront of my brain. I shouldn't have drank so much at one time. It's not that I never want to have a glass of wine ever again, but I never want to get to a place of a bottle a night or a whole day of drinking that makes me feel sick the next morning.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Those 27 days taught me that when I don't drink daily, I eat less, walk more and feel more relaxed and content in life. When I focus on the moments and not the spirits, life is better too. I used to be SO FOCUSED on coming home from work to my glass of wine. NO MORE. I will not drink unless there is an occasion to. Vacant daily drinking is just covering up pains that need to be felt and dealt with. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">I am grateful for 27 days of healing from the loss of my dearest friend, healing up old wounds, being myself and becoming boundless... NO LONGER TIED TO ANYTHING. I will never let anything overtake my senses or create dependencies again. I'm in control... now... with an entire wine rack of wine to drink... The IRONY... Teehee! </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">Cheers! </span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">Here's to the occasions that require a toast! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">What a pretty display to look at in the meantime! </span></div>
Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-59259383154427528492017-11-05T22:20:00.000-08:002017-11-05T22:20:10.130-08:00Goodbye 36...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">On
Tuesday, October 31st, I said, "Goodbye," to age 36. No big deal, age
is all a state of mind and I really haven't been worried about getting older
because it is a gift, only granted to few. What I did feel, however, was a
sense of sadness having realized that all year when asked how old I was, I
would say, "I'm going to be 37 on Halloween." In my mind I was set on
37 and I was not present in my 36th year of life. This year hasn't been an easy year and the struggles have been internal and complicated. My emotional
journey is far from over and yet I know I'll be better for everything this year has handed me. Still, how sad to sort of glide from 36 to 37 without any intent. I feel that each
year, we should relish in all the days. We should feel their essence and not
just get "stuck on survive" (a phrase made famous by Jewel), but we
should find brilliance in every single second. </span><br />
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I have issues, I have struggles - no more and no less than
everybody else's, but this past
year I finally realized that I have completely tuned out my inner voice and
replaced it with so many other voices that weren't serving me, but continuously
breaking me down. I see that I have allowed this to go on for years and
years and years... When all you hear in your mind is negativity, it's hard to
give love to yourself or to see yourself in a positive light. It gets dark in
that space and every single decision is scrutinized by nobody and yet everybody
whom your mind wants you to believe would have something negative to say about
your choices. It's all in the mind; some of it is valid and true, but most of
these voices are projections on what you feel about yourself. Your mind gives
them the voice of someone who has been vocal in scrutinizing you in the past,
but the present dialogue is
not even real. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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How do you get out of a negative mind? The first step is to be honest
about it. "The truth shall set you free" - The Bible, John 8:32.
(Side note: I never knew that came out of The Bible, did you?) The truth is
tricky though. Your truth is valid, but another person who lived some of the
same life events as you, but has a different truth is also valid. There is no
RIGHT. RIGHT = EGO. EGO has no place in a kind life. As soon as you feel
superior or need to be right at all costs, you are not living a kind life. Your
narcissism has taken hold and there will be no outcome where you are able to be
truly compassionate, empathetic or selfless. Still, what you know to be the
truth for you is valid, but that's where you must let it end. You don't need to
be right or make everyone believe your truth. Everyone has the right to
their own truth. Just because it doesn't mirror your truth doesn't make it a
lie. We all have our perspectives and everything we bring to the table based on
our experiences. IT IS ALL VALID! </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Offering up your truth isn't always easy, but you should share how you
feel and why you're feeling the way you feel, when you feel it. Masking it or
sweeping pains under the rug only cause horrible cycles of more self-loathing.
You may think you're protecting yourself or you're keeping the peace, yet in
actuality, you're not authentic and your pain will bubble up to the surface at
some point. There is no way around that. So, when you feel something, don't
"walk on eggshells," or "sweep it under the rug," tell the
person who needs to know, but for heaven's sake BE KIND about it. When you
scream or yell or voice opinion, attaching labels to a person or calling them
this or that, it does no good AT ALL. We all deserve respect, no matter if your
truth isn't aligning with that person's truth. There are ways to be KIND about
EVERY SINGLE THING in this world! Meanness NEVER is the answer. TOUGH LOVE is
something made up by those who need an excuse to be cruel. EVERYTHING CAN BE
DONE IN LOVE AND KINDNESS - EVERYTHING. No excuses. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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My year has held some deep wounds. Some wounds that I didn't even realize
(till recently) are living so deeply within me. January 2017 was where it began
to get really hard for me mentally and emotionally. This was when someone I
loved and admired very much, took their own life. For them to feel that alone
just hurt so badly and I haven't been able to really get over that, but I don't
think I ever will or that I'm supposed to. It is awful, but on the flip side
of the coin, it is an important lesson to learn that you don't know anything by
looking at a person's surface. You can see a sunny exterior and a heart full of
gold on the outside, but that doesn't mean ANYTHING. The rest of this year has
held many reminders of this man and a realization that he has touched my life and
so many, many more lives forever. How we take people for granted... At parties,
at holidays, at anything including him - he was the man. He was the guy
attending to everyone as well as cracking jokes and making each and every
person feel the love. He's so missed. Nothing will ever be the same
again. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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This year also held some very serious fears and anxiety for me. From
April through August, I would wake up quickly out of a dead sleep with panic
and just start crying at the realization that eventually all the people I know,
all the places and things that I love, everything will be gone someday. I would be
sweating or couldn't breathe at the thought of death at 3am and Paul would hug
me and rock me and tell me it was okay. He’d tell me to breathe and then I’d
cry myself to sleep and be okay. It’s a crazy fear to have since we have no choice
in the matter. It’s not like the fear of jumping out of an airplane where you
can just choose not to get on the airplane or choose not to hurl yourself into the sky. When
it comes to death, it’s inevitable. I feel a little bit
out of the woods with that fear (though it’s reoccurred in my life since I was
4 or 5 years old), but now I have anxiety to deal with. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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My anxiety is usually fueled by feeling stuck. So, when I’m in a meeting
where the doors are closed or even if the doors are open, but I’m seated so far
into the room that I feel stuck, I have a “fight or flight” response. After
about 10 minutes, I feel like I just need to get out of there. Of course, I’m
not going to "fight" anyone, but my brain screams "DANGER. DANGER. DANGER." I feel
like I’m in a life or death situation and it’s only a training or a meeting. I
don’t feel anxiety for the normal reasons at all. I’m not ill prepared nor do I
fear being called on to speak to the group. I actually prefer to talk in these
situations. Only I need to talk through the whole situation. When I’m talking,
my brain doesn’t have a chance to freak out. I’m engaged, and I feel okay.
Unfortunately, the moment that someone else takes the conversation, I tense up,
I get clammy hands and my brain tells me to “GET OUT!” This happens sometimes
in casual situations as well. Standing in a coworker’s office or having someone
stop me in the hallway. If I feel that I am stuck in any slight way, I can
panic.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sometimes though, I am completely fine. Sitting with the department head
in an impromptu meeting in her closed office, I had no feelings of fleeing. I
<i>was</i> talking about 65% of the time, but just being in that room alone would
normally shake me and I was okay. I was explaining my anxiety to her and so
perhaps talking about the anxiety helps calm the anxiety? Who knows. I
explained that my anxiety is not about my doubt in my job performance or my
fear of public speaking, but that it is irrational. 100% irrational. It is
about the way the room or environment makes me feel. I can’t control it, but
I’m learning techniques to help deal with it. Breathing, meditating and being
true to myself are all things that are key to my well-being. Also,
stress is a huge factor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> I decided to take a demotion from my Supervisor position to return to my Administrative Assistant status. Since it has been officially announced, a big weight has already been lifted off my shoulders. I think it was a wise
choice to step back and free up some of my mind to be able to focus on my
health and well-being. Personnel issues = people issues, and this girl just
can't turn off the caring switch. I was taking everything home with me.
Hopefully now, I can just go to work and come home and focus on getting well. Time
will tell... Many people were shocked, and I heard things like: "You're
gonna give up all that extra money?" or "You worked so hard to get
that title." or "Just try and push through it." They all
mean well, and I so appreciate their vote of confidence in me. It is so sweet,
but nothing is worth my well-being and I'm finally learning how to listen to my
inner voice. Yes, the inner voice that has been trying to be heard through all
the lies my mind was feeding me. I hear you! I am listening! </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I'm all over the place here, (as per usual) but I'll wrap up here and
hopefully get my few points across. The first being, enjoy each moment.
Don’t let a year go by with your focus set on the next year instead of enjoying
your present year. Take time to write, self-assess and come to terms with who
you are in each phase of your life. The second point, own who
you are in each phase of your life, value it and don’t let it go no matter what
is said, thought or shown by other people. Every bit of you is valid. Every bit
of everyone else is valid. The third point is BE KIND!
If someone strays from the path of which you think it is right, it is NOT your
job to judge them, but it is your job to allow them validity. And if there’s
something that really goes against your grain, you can engage in conversation,
but let that conversation be a flow of communication back and forth. Hear them
if you expect to be heard. Always choose kindness... Words are very powerful
weapons and though we have the choice of what loop we play over and over in our
head, sometimes we don't realize we've allowed our mind to sneak another person's record under the
needle. Lead with kindness, know you’re valid and that everyone is valid and
stop the cycle of negative projections in your mind. You are the narrator, keep
hold of your story…</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-32174599660654610142017-10-24T23:24:00.000-07:002017-10-24T23:24:44.891-07:00Paint<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">Have you ever been honest with someone about what you're going through and they look at you so surprised and say "We couldn't tell." Or "I couldn't tell."? You feel so relieved that your brave face is working or that your spots aren't showing, but at the same time you feel a bit inauthentic. Not that you want to be an open book, shining a light on all your flaws, pains and secrets, but you wonder why am I covering everything up. The song "Put on a Happy Face," comes to mind. A great song in theory, but where's the limit to our fake smiles? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">We seem to cover, cover, cover until our beautiful, original paint is so many layers below the surface we can't see what we started as. One day, there's too many layers and the only way to rid them is to strip them one by one until that authentic original coat of paint is there for all to see. Question is, do you start the layers again or do you add Killz or some kind of protective coat to help toughen you up to the wear and tear of life? </span><br />
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Protection is probably smart and who hasn't been told at one time or another, "you've got to toughen up," or "don't be so soft." The thing is, I don't want to turn hard or develop armor. I don't want to squash the last pieces of innocence I have left. I don't want to be someone who adapts to the harsh qualities of the world and "bucks up." I have seen the value of "soft" or "innocent" and they aren't weaknesses or a downfalls. The soft care, the innocent believe in hope. These are things to hold onto at all costs and believe me, they come with a cost. You can care too much, you can have so much hope that the reality is lost and you can get hurt. Still, it's worth the hurt. The beauty of softness, hope and caring is worth so much more than becoming hard which often leads to being jaded and filled with bitterness. Being soft gives others a safe place to land. </div>
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So, where is this all coming from? What is my point? Today I had my most frightening panic attack ever. I had to remove myself from an interview panel. I felt that I had let my peers down, that I'm incapable, that something is wrong with me, that I'm such a weirdo. All these horrible things I attached to myself for something I tried so hard to control, but got the better of me. Why do we paint over our original paint, the paint given to us when we're 0,1 & 2 years old by doting family and friends? "Look at those blue eyes," "you're such a sweet girl," "She's such a smart girl." Etc... Why do we paint over that with "you're screwing up your life," "you're ugly," "you're such a weirdo," etc? Though the external voices may have put some of those harsh ideas in our heads, it is our internal voice repeating that dialogue over and over again. </div>
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Today after my panic attack, a sympathetic co-worker so kindly and concisely said (when I was apologizing and professing my embarrassment) "Why don't you try being as nice to yourself as you are to all of us." And ain't that a kick in the head?!?! What a beautiful thing to say and what a life altering idea. So often the caring and consideration we give to others is not something we bestow upon ourselves. I would never call anyone else a "weirdo" or "incapable" for stepping out of a meeting so why do I internally shame myself? </div>
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I have a long way to go to figure out what is the true root of my anxiety and how to get it under control so I can get back to being able to function on a daily basis. I know that the mind and body tell us in unconventional ways to slow down, limit stress, take better care of ourselves. My brain and body have been screaming lately, but I have been tuning it all out. Today, it was payback time, my mind was like "listen to me or else!!!" The extreme was uncomfortable and embarrassing and so it's time to listen. It's time to strip the layers of paint that are not serving me. All these negative ideas I've painted on my walls and reside in me, but don't serve me one bit need to go. How I repaint is completely up to me. </div>
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Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-27432522104556344172017-10-15T18:04:00.002-07:002017-10-15T18:04:40.039-07:00Brain Is Wider Than the Sky <div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Brain Is Wider Than the Sky </u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A Socratic Dialogue written by: Jennie Camile</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
April 2015 </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><br /></u></div>
<br />
Socrates: A human’s thinking and creativity is not limited to the life it knows and experiences. It<br />
reaches and spans far greater than the limits of the material and tangible world. <br />
<br />
Alekto: You mean to say that there are no limits to the ideas and thoughts our brain can<br />
produce? <br />
<br />
Socrates: Precisely. Take a story for instance. A fiction piece one writes, made up of characters<br />
and set 3000 years into the future. As a human living in this time period of 2015, how would we<br />
know what 5015 would look like? The author would have to create every technological advance.<br />
Other details would need to be created as well, such as: what people might dress like, what they<br />
would eat, what they would drive, etc. It would go far beyond the material world we live in now.<br />
<br />
<br />
Alekto: Yes, but would one not look to the progression of the last 3000 years and use that<br />
pattern as a point of reference for the future? Wouldn’t that use of pattern make your creativity<br />
rooted in the material world?<br />
<br />
<br />
Socrates: Points of reference are helpful to all creativity, but to create the future, one would have<br />
to imagine beyond anything anyone has ever known. This kind of imagining far<br />
surpasses our present day and time. Though points of reference are used, it doesn’t make the<br />
creativity rooted in the here and now. Think of the inventor of the cellular phone. Would you say<br />
that his invention is just an extension of the regular household phone? That the cellular phone is<br />
rooted in the year 1876 because that is when the phone was invented?<br />
<br />
Alekto: No, but it is the same type of invention. The cellular and household versions are still<br />
both phones.<br />
<br />
Socrates: Yes, but the telephone is separate from the cellular phone just as the bicycle is<br />
separate from the car. Both get you to your destination, but the mechanics of each are very<br />
different. For someone to come up with each takes imagination that far surpassed what was<br />
normal at that particular time.<br />
<br />
Alekto: Point taken. So, then let’s talk about the characters of a story. Do you mean to tell me<br />
that these characters would not have any attributes to people whom surround the author every<br />
day? <br />
<br />
Socrates: Yes, they would be fictional characters who do not exist and so all of their attributes<br />
would come from the mind’s eye. The author would create their hair color, their eye color, their<br />
height and build. They would create where the characters come from, what their hobbies are and<br />
what type of person they turn out to be, such as: a hero, a villain or a sideline sitter. Every bit of<br />
the author’s imagination would come into play to create each and every character.<br />
<br />
Alekto: So, the hero in their story would not have any familiar qualities of an everyday hero in<br />
their life? Such as bravery, chivalry, strength or kindness? <br />
<br />
Socrates: Of course they would. These qualities you speak of are timeless. The difference<br />
between the people who surround the author day to day and the people in their story would be<br />
the combination of attributes as well as possible traits that haven’t even been invented yet. The<br />
author’s limitless mind could come up with a woman who reads through invisible eyes on the<br />
back of her head. She could have the same color eyes as say the author’s Mother, but no one in<br />
this world can read from the eyes in the back of their head. <br />
<br />
Alekto: I agree. So, if one was to look at the works of artists like Picasso, Michelangelo, Monet<br />
or Rembrandt, you would say that their creations came from a limitless mind? These painters and<br />
sculptors were only mirroring what they saw here in the material world.<br />
<br />
Socrates: Yes, I see where you are coming from, but don’t forget that painters and sculptors – all<br />
artists – are interpreters. If you put their artwork next to the real thing, (the tangible items of this world) they would have differences and similarities. What the artist chooses to put in and leave out is all his own imagination and creativity working. His interpretation far surpasses what is right in front of him. His brain is in a realm of limitless possibilities. <br />
<br />
Alekto: So, the inventor of the space shuttle had a brain of limitless possibilities because he saw<br />
the moon as a place to travel to? <br />
<br />
Socrates: Not only did he see the moon as a place to travel to, he created a way to get there. We<br />
can say we want to travel to the deepest depths of the ocean, but the mind being wider than the<br />
material world comes in when we deem it possible. Then, we create a vessel with the means of<br />
getting us there. The brain becomes limitless when there is nothing we can’t do. <br />
<br />
Alekto: I’ve always wanted to live in a house under the sea. My brain can prove to be wider than<br />
this material world when I create my house under water. To my knowledge, no such home exists.<br />
I could draw up plans for such a home and then work on ways to actually create such a place.<br />
Plumbing, electrical and pressurized cabins would all be tricky, but I could create it and then it<br />
would be real. This would be the only way to prove I had a limitless brain? <br />
<br />
Socrates: Actually just the creating and planning would prove that your brain was limitless. One<br />
does not have to follow through with the plans and make a tangible contribution to the world.<br />
Ideas are born every day and sometimes they are never carried out. Just the ideas, inventions and<br />
stories alone are enough to prove that the “brain is wider than the sky,” as Emily Dickinson<br />
would say. <br />
<br />
Alekto: So true. <br />
<br />
Socrates: So you see, the limits of the material world have no hold on our imagination or<br />
creativity. Do you have any further doubt that our minds can reach passed the material world<br />
Alekto? <br />
<br />
Alekto: I can gladly say, I do not. <br />
<br />Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-59144952320695436652017-10-15T18:00:00.004-07:002017-10-15T18:00:41.435-07:00Reading Will Always Endure <div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Reading Will Always Endure</u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
By: Jennie Camile </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
May 2015 </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one,”<br />
George R.R. Martin. Nice quotation to begin with! Before the art of cinema and visual depictions<br />
of stories, people entertained themselves by reading books. The reader would journey along with<br />
the main character as he slayed dragons or sailed pirate ships. Books of a non-fiction variety<br />
would showcase life for a person in a different part of the world. Reading was the only way to<br />
understand what a different life from your own, might look like. Fast forward to 2015 and there<br />
are many avenues of escaping or peeking into the life of someone on the other end of the globe.<br />
All you have to do to see some culture or chat with someone on the other side of the ocean is to<br />
log on to: YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. This idea that only “a reader lives a<br />
thousand lives,” is a hard point to prove in the twenty-first century, but reading as a whole will<br />
never be dead. <br />
<br />
When you look at the decline of reading on paper, there is very little room for argument.<br />
Andrew Ofstad, wrote in his essay America’s Decline in Literary Reading: Grappling with<br />
Technology’s Effect on the Print Culture of Literature, “In June of 2004, the National<br />
Endowment for the Arts released Reading at Risk: A Survey of Literary Reading in America…<br />
The study revealed that only 46.7% of the American population reads works of literature, down<br />
from 54% in 1992 and 56.9% in 1982.” Since the study was done in 2004, it is easy to assume if<br />
the study were conducted again in present day, there would be an even greater decline. This<br />
decline has been directly linked to technology. The distractions of visual stimulation that come<br />
through the television or a computer screen are said to be the blame for people not picking up a<br />
book. “Michael Dirda (a Pulitzer Prize–winning book critic for the Washington Post) regards the<br />
web as largely an ‘invention of the devil.’ It is easy to see why many readers dislike technology,<br />
since they usually believe it to be responsible for the decline in literary reading.” (Ofstad 4) <br />
Dirda’s regard for the web as an evil invention is one sided because he’s only concerned with<br />
how it has changed reading when on the other side of that argument; the Internet has also given<br />
us access to an array of information. <br />
<br />
With the closures of big chain bookstores like Borders, Waldenbooks and Crown Books,<br />
the pro reading activist may feel a little defeated. I do miss wandering through bookstores and<br />
finding books to read that I wouldn’t have known I should look for. Defeat is not the proper<br />
word for what is presently happening in the literary world; Change is a much more appropriate<br />
word. Christopher Farley, a writer for Speak Easy Online Magazine, points out the similarities<br />
between this shift and that of the music industry when MP3s were rolled out to consumers. In his<br />
article Borders Bankruptcy: Why Reading Isn’t Dead, Farley sides with consumers who<br />
embraced purchasing individual songs. No longer did the consumer have to purchase an entire<br />
album of songs that they weren’t guaranteed to like. “People hadn’t fallen out of love with music<br />
– they just wanted it in other forms.” (Farley 2) The same goes for literature; the consumers are<br />
embracing other forms. Audio books, IPads, Kindles and even cell phones give readers the<br />
flexibility of downloading a book right when they want to read it. Instant gratification is the way<br />
of our society and there is no exception when it comes to readers. Why get fully dressed, hop in<br />
your car and drive across town to the library or bookstore when you can stay seated on your couch and download Anne of Avonlea in two minutes on your Kindle? Reading has changed, but<br />
that in no way means that reading is a lost cause. <br />
<br />
What has also changed is the way we receive information. We used to write each other<br />
handwritten letters, grab a newspaper in the morning to read over a cup of coffee and when<br />
someone passed away, it could’ve taken close to a week before the masses knew about it. Now<br />
instead we send emails, turn on the News or turn on our computer for up to the minute obituaries.<br />
“I’m not surprised that few people read newspapers or print magazines, many check in with<br />
online news sources, aggregate sites, incessantly. They are seldom away from their screens for<br />
long,” observes Sven Birkerts in the article titled Reading in a Digital Age. Screens have taken<br />
over our world and whoever gets the news story out the fastest wins; or so it seems. “Information<br />
comes to seem like an environment. If anything important happens anywhere, we will be<br />
informed. The effect of this is to pull the world in close. Nothing penetrates, or punctures. The<br />
real, which used to be defined by sensory immediacy, is redefined.” (Birkerts 1) Redefining what<br />
is real can feel so very overwhelming at times. With so much at your fingertips, your ideas and<br />
thoughts can get washed out. A quote that really captured what it means to live in this<br />
information overload age was written by Will Self, a professor who wrote The Novel is Dead<br />
(This Time It’s For Real) for The Guardian Magazine. He wrote: “the instant availability of<br />
almost everything that has ever been done stifles creativity and makes a person feel hopeless.” I<br />
immediately thought of someone who is sitting down to write a screenplay and every movie they<br />
have ever seen comes flashing into their mind. It’s hard to rid the usual storylines in order to<br />
write something new and different. The same can be said for the News. A newspaper which<br />
takes time to print and be delivered cannot compete with the Internet; it will always fall behind.<br />
There is no way to escape the trap of sounding like every other story out there when you’re all<br />
getting the news at relatively the same time. Even if you had a competitive edge because the<br />
story unfolded right near the newspaper offices, your exclusive could make its way to an online<br />
source which could get distributed to all their viewers far before they sit down to their newspaper<br />
the next morning. It’s not far-fetched to believe that everything in print is dead. Still, unless<br />
you’re watching the news unfold on television, which most of us can’t do when at work or<br />
school, you are reading. Each and every time you pull up an article about what the latest Taylor<br />
Swift lyrics mean or what awful state the country of Nepal is in after the earthquake; you are<br />
reading. It’s a part of our everyday life and that cannot be denied. <br />
<br />
Even though reading is a part of day-to-day life, it can be argued that reading for<br />
enlightenment or for pleasure is different than everyday reading of articles, work/school<br />
materials, etc. So, for argument’s sake, let’s say that reading for pleasure is dead. That very well<br />
may be true. According to an article entitled, Study: Reading Isn’t Dead for College Students<br />
written by Ryan Lytle, the average student has a 50 hour work week when you include studying<br />
and working. Most of the time they have left is spent outdoors doing something active since they<br />
are cooped up inside focused on schoolwork all week. Still, college students aren’t the only ones<br />
who don’t have time for reading. “Only seventeen percent of all elementary school children<br />
(ages 6 to 17) surveyed, reported having time to read a book of their choice at school daily,”<br />
noted Motoko Rich of The New York Times in his article Study Finds Reading to Children of All<br />
Ages Grooms Them to Read More on Their Own. It would seem that schedules and other<br />
curriculum is keeping our young people from taking part in the joy of reading. On the other<br />
hand, “A study, which included responses from 717 college students, notes that 93 percent of<br />
respondents enjoy reading for pleasure.” (Lytle 1) When elementary and middle school children<br />
were asked if they enjoy reading for pleasure they all responded positively as well and had the<br />
same feedback that schoolwork as well as extra-curricular activities were keeping them from<br />
reading. (Rich 1) It may seem that reading is dying out for our young people, but the opposite is<br />
actually true. The passion for reading is still alive, but their other activities are keeping them too<br />
busy to sit down to a good book. <br />
<br />
An overwhelming amount of choices has been said to be a factor in why people have<br />
stopped reading. When you purchase your books digitally or purchase a hardcopy online, you<br />
could spend hours scrolling through titles and summaries. Each book comes at you and entices<br />
your interest, but then you see another book below and maybe that one is better? By the time<br />
you’ve chosen a book, you’re too tired to read it. You’ve spent hours selecting it and the next<br />
night when you go to read it before bed, you aren’t impressed. So what do you do? Start the<br />
cycle all over again, scouring through more titles and before you know it, you’re snoring as you<br />
drool on your Kindle. It was so much better when you would walk into a bookstore or the library<br />
and displayed were about ten to fifteen titles that were either popular titles or best sellers. There<br />
was always a section for employees to recommend their favorite books. This made the<br />
experience feel personable and half of the work was done for you. The social aspect of buying a<br />
book seems like a far off memory. Well, the good news is Barnes & Noble is still in business and<br />
can be found in every major city. Wal-Mart, Target and even some grocery stores have book<br />
sections. There are still quaint little Mom and Pop ran bookstores, if you look hard enough. The<br />
biggest indicator that reading isn’t dead is that the library still exists. The Black Gold<br />
Cooperative Network of libraries spans all the way up the Central Coast from Santa Barbara<br />
County all the way through San Luis Obispo County. Not only can you get books from your<br />
local library, but you may also request any title that is located at any of the other 33 branches.<br />
The other great thing about a library is they display books of special interest in each section.<br />
Whether it’s a new addition to the library or just a book they know is doing well on the Best<br />
Seller’s list, the librarians are there to work on displays and show you which books you should<br />
check out. “At the University of Florida, librarians have strategically placed books at the<br />
entrance of libraries so that students can ‘walk by and see and be intrigued by things,’ says Judith<br />
Russell, the Dean of University Libraries at the institution. ‘We see a fair bit of material selected<br />
from those shelves,’ Russell acknowledges. ‘I imagine most of the picking off the new book<br />
shelf is the serendipity factor of just walking by and something catching their eye.’” (Lytle 2)<br />
Yes, you must leave the comfort of home to experience such a feeling, but having a book catch<br />
your eye and holding it in your hand is what I believe will keep reading alive for years to come.<br />
<br />
There is no doubt that the electronic book movement is a strong force to be reckoned with<br />
and the key reason is convenience. However, when it comes to the beginning stages of reading<br />
where parents read to their children, parents aren’t opting to read from digital devices. Instead,<br />
Children’s Books are still profiting very well. According to Kristen McLean, Co-Chair of<br />
Nielsen’s Children’s Book Summit and CEO of Bookigee, who wrote the article The Digital<br />
World Report for Nielsen’s Children’s Books, “parents of kids 12 and younger were asked the<br />
format of the last book they bought for their children. Ninety-six percent of parents of children<br />
up to age 6 reported buying a print book, and 94% of parents of children 7-12 said they bought a<br />
print book.” Starting a child off with tangible books that they have constant access to, can help<br />
them integrate reading into their entire growing and learning processes. Even better is when the<br />
parent continues reading to their children long after the children have learned to read for<br />
themselves. “Reading aloud through elementary school seemed to be connected to a love of<br />
reading generally. According to the report, 41 percent of frequent readers ages 6 to 10 were read<br />
aloud to at home, while only 13 percent of infrequent readers were being read to.” (Rich 1) It all<br />
starts at home and with the parents. If parents don’t read, children won’t read – it’s as simple as<br />
that! <br />
<br />
Clearly, reading is a part of the human fiber. We read daily no matter what avenue of life<br />
we travel down. I believe that the more endangered “species” are thinking for oneself as well as<br />
truth. In an age where if you can’t remember the answer, you can Google it; your brain becomes<br />
lazy. You no longer have to think for yourself, the answers are at your fingertips. All those<br />
answers, but what if the same question leads to three answers. Which answer is the truth?<br />
Anyone can put anything they want on the Internet and call it truth. The black and white aspects<br />
of the world, become greyer as we rely on the Internet for information. While we’re asked the<br />
question, “is reading dead?” We must read in order to seek out some sort of truth and thinking<br />
for oneself, I myself believe that in no way is reading dead. The only evidence I really need is the<br />
fact that you are reading this right now. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Works Cited </u></b></div>
<br />
Rich, Motoko. "Study Finds Reading to Children of All Ages Grooms Them to Read More on <br />
Their Own." The New York Times, 07 Jan. 2015. Web. 19 May 2015.<br />
<br />
Farley, Christopher John. "Borders Bankruptcy: Why Reading Isn't Dead." Wall Street Journal. <br />
Speakeasy, 17 Feb. 2011. Web. 5 May 2015.<br />
<br />
McLean, Kristen. "Attachment to Print - It's A Parenting Thing." Newswire: Media And <br />
Entertainment. Nielsen, 13 Nov. 2014. Web. 19 May 2015.<br />
<br />
Lytle, Ryan. "Study: Reading Isn't Dead For College Students." US News. U.S. News & World <br />
Report, 15 Dec. 2011. Web. 15 May 2015.<br />
<br />
Ofstad, Andrew. "America’s Decline in Literary Reading: Grappling with Technology’s Effects <br />
on the Print Culture of Literature." PDF. 15 May 2015. <br />
<br />
Self, Will. "The Novel Is Dead (This Time It's For Real)." Books. The Guardian, 2 May 2014. <br />
Web. 15 May 2015.<br />
<br />
McCarney 8<br />
Birkerts, Sven. "Reading in a Digital Age." The American Scholar. Phi Beta Kappa, 1 Mar. <br />
2010. Web. 19 May 2015.Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-39505462471880567382017-07-09T14:28:00.000-07:002017-07-09T14:28:16.833-07:00Positivity INSIDE and OUT <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<u>POSITIVITY<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-gdUe30uD-4QnilmdnKugMOoGYnxltzjRxM5MzP3Rqy9YHne0X32_aJNuXrViv16O-TpUMWQGi-BEsymjK8bDmNqXyHVVUAEm6jfKSTsAPHdyyWgkRAz_S5th-EvFpGjT2ReWWh75BWw/s1600/negativity_by_nabhan-d49987d.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1100" data-original-width="550" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-gdUe30uD-4QnilmdnKugMOoGYnxltzjRxM5MzP3Rqy9YHne0X32_aJNuXrViv16O-TpUMWQGi-BEsymjK8bDmNqXyHVVUAEm6jfKSTsAPHdyyWgkRAz_S5th-EvFpGjT2ReWWh75BWw/s400/negativity_by_nabhan-d49987d.png" width="200" /></a> DROWNS OUT NEGATIVITY</u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I haven't written in a while. My words, thoughts, feelings, etc. lost all meaning somehow. When you write, you aim to be heard and when it feels like no one is listening, you just start to feel replaceable. When you take some time away from it all and reflect and work on yourself, you see that you have been giving your power to outside forces. A writer writes to feel something. I am on cloud nine as I type here, fire in my belly and words hitting the tips of my brain. Formulating and carving out a piece of written history. It may not be heard by the masses, but it's being heard by me as I write it. Like therapy, I get out some angst and thought and vision and I hope it helps someone else or gives inspiration and healing to at least one person, but guess what? If it doesn't, it has given me life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> What I've begun to realize is that negativity and positivity are both swirling all around us all the time. It's our choice which balloons we grab onto. And perhaps instead of handing out negativity balloons to those we peg as such, we should first look into their situation and listen. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"We have no right to express our opinion until we know all the answers." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">- Kurt Cobain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Also, there is no one way to feel, to break, to be happy... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">there are millions of ways to do exactly the same thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Positivity is abundant in an OPEN MIND... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That being said, I <i>have</i> judged based on experience or preconceived notions. <i>I am human</i>. I am not void of getting it wrong. I have made some monumental mistakes, but all I can do is apologize and move forward. I've been on the other end of mistakes as well and moving forward when you've been damaged by words is really hard for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because I am a wordy gal, words echo like knives in my ears. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I hold tight to words or they hold tight to me and I find it so very hard to let go... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">BUT - I am the one holding on... I am the one who has to let go... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Life is such a beautiful mess and I have no time for falling into a negativity zone again. I hear the negative words and I feed them to my good 'ol friend - <i>self loathing</i>... I don't ever feel good enough. I take whatever someone says as fact about who I am when I am the writer of this autobiography. No one should be able to write the lines of my story and yet I let them write in sharpie and I stew in the words that they penned. This makes it so I don't ever feel that I have what it takes to be part of any circle of friends or family. Any tiny judgment on anyone's part just gets added to the trillion self judgments I already hold over myself and I cave in. This has made it very hard for me to live without anxiety or self doubt. I want so badly to live up to everyone's expectations of me that I don't stop and think what my expectations of myself are. I run, run, run and rarely stop to nourish my inner spirit, soul and life. There's no one to blame but myself. My ego is non-existent and at least a small ego is key to a healthy balance of inner peace. You have to believe in yourself in some capacity! I have had some great flourishes of success that give me hope of self esteem, but any hiccup sends me right back to feeling insecure and hopeless. John Mayer's lyrics: "Stop this train, I wanna get off..." illustrates how I feel a lot of the time. I don't want to take the same trip down the same track year after year, but I buy that ticket and I go round and round again and again... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Something has got to change and the best way to change is to add dollops of positivity to my life. I feel so run down all the time. The anxiety comes on and I just sit there in a stomach acid frenzy <i>hoping</i> for things to change. I love <i>HOPE </i>and I believe in it more than anything, but in this instance, it won't get me out of this mess. I've gotta change. I've been changing my mind frame and scope, but now I've got to change my actions. I am worthy of a mistake or a hiccup. It's all in how I handle it and respond to it that will make all the difference. I am not meant to be perfect nor do I ever want to be. I miss all the creative things I used to do. I used to send cards for every holiday. I used to draw, paint, write, sing and feed that creative side that is so important to my character. Those are pieces of positivity that I've allowed to leave my life. WHY? I guess I had come to think that positivity was just a demeanor. To be well equipped with smiles, a can do attitude and doing my best to give as much happiness to others as possible is what I thought it meant, but positivity is far more than that. Positivity comes most authentically from a person who is fueling their life with it. I am not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Don't get me wrong, I'm not faking anything I give. Man do I love to make life a little easier or better for anyone and everyone I can. I just have to start seeing that the same love I give outwardly, needs to be given inwardly. As I write this, I'm beating myself up internally: "You're 36 years old, what is wrong with you?" or "How come it's taken you this long to figure this out?" All I have to say to that voice is: "This is where I am and this is who I am!" I am a beautiful mess full of ideas, unfinished dreams and a wonderful life before me. I am so blessed in love, family, friends and this little orange furball I call my kiddo. All I need to do is start letting positivity rule my life from the inside out and not the other way around... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">BE KIND...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Be simple. Be inspired. Be YOU! </span></div>
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<br />Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-50888915864570155152016-07-17T14:24:00.002-07:002016-07-17T14:24:37.127-07:00Starting Over and Over and Over Again <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I read two quotes today; both mind moving and soul stirring. The first: "Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go: they merely determine where you start." - Nido Qubein. The second: "What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen. (I thought it was weird that their last names both started with a "Q" too - so insightful of you to notice.) Out of a stack of over 100 quote cards, these two spoke to me the most in the present state that I am in. </span><div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The first quote speaks about circumstances and not letting them hold you back. Seems like a quote for everyone, nothing too special about it, but it is very poignant to me at this moment in my life. About four weeks ago, I decided to change my life once and for all. I started waking up at 5am to walk the beach down from where I live. I planned my meals down to the calorie and protein gram. I was writing, reading and organizing my life. Two straight weeks I kept it up and felt so very good about myself. I was on a roll and loving this new path I was on. It finally felt like I was taking care of me! Then June 30th happened. I actually am not too sure what happened on June 30th, I just know that on July 1st I woke up to take a shower and both of my legs were covered in red splotches. It was itchy, it was painful and I was flabbergasted. Naturally, I figured I must have done something the day before to cause such a travesty to my health. (Mind you, this stage of allergic reaction was minimal to what would befall me later that weekend into the week.) I went through it in my mind: <i>what did I eat differently? any new laundry soap? any new body wash? what was I wearing? </i> All I could come up with is that I spent 17 hours in the same black jeans. I had walked my usual 2 miles at lunch in them and then went out to dinner after work in them and walked a bit of Farmer's Market in them and then didn't get out of them until 11:30pm that night. Which having put them on at 6am or so would make a long day in the same outfit! And truly there has been no other explanation for it to this day. No ER doctors, nurses or Primary Care doctors could give me any answers so I am drawing my own conclusion. I wasn't about to let it stop me and I was VERY active that Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I put some hydro-cortisone cream on, took some Claritin and just lived my life! I was on such a good health streak, I didn't want to listen to my body. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Obviously, it is NEVER a good idea to ignore your body talking. Monday morning, Independence Day, I woke up with an ankle the size of my head. It was so swollen and the splotches all over my legs were flared up. To the ER I went for blood tests, urine analysis and a sonogram. All was good with my vitals, so 2 types of antibiotics (which later I find out was a lot to take at one time - Primary Care docs couldn't believe I wasn't more sick from just the combination of pills the ER docs put me on... yikesers!) were prescribed and thus began my sad week of back tracking. The antibiotics wore me down a bit and my body was definitely unhappy and uncomfortable for the next 3 days. I laid in bed and mostly slept because Dreamland was the only place in which I could find some relief. Long story long, it has taken me until today to feel normal again. Today is 16 days since the redness first took over my legs and caused me such grief. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Those "circumstances" have really frustrated me on a whole other level than just being uncomfortable. I was frustrated because before all this I had been on a path of change in my life and my beast mode train was derailed. It was like all that steam and momentum was just taken from me and I all I could do was lie in bed and help my body to heal. No walks, no hikes, no strenuous exercise per the doctors and that really stole my thunder. So, when I read this quote today which read: </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go: they merely determine where you start," I felt a release of all that angst I'd been laid up with. I have never been through anything this trying to my health before and so I am stronger for it and ready to start again and hopefully get back the gusto I had ignited. My circumstances are just giving me a new place to start than I had expected, but in the end, I'll be better for it and able to see my strength magnified for having the experience of such a struggle. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The other quote I read this morning was: "What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen. There are images society throws out into the world of what life is supposed to look like and when some of the people around you believe in those societal norms, you can start to think that is how you're supposed to be too. I keep going around in circles, trying this diet, using this anti wrinkle kit or trying to buy the clothes that are "in style," but really who is that person? It's not ME. I'm a sponge and whatever I see or hear sticks to me and I soak it in. I fall into a trap, one that I can only blame on myself, of wanting to be like everyone else. Truth be told, I am not happiest when I am conforming to other ideals or trends. I am most happy in my Old Navy clothes, in my tiny bungalow by the beach with my savings depleted for having lived. Oh well. That's me. And I'm Awesome! (shouldn't be so hard for me to type those last three words, but it is. I feel horribly stuck up and/or unworthy... but I should see myself as awesome and value my choices and life because I made them/it and I truly and sincerely love who and where I am.) I need to own who I am, imperfections and all. It is getting easier and easier as I get older and wiser, but I have setbacks and hang-ups that get the better of me from time to time. I worry about an inflated ego or being perceived of having one since I just wrote the words "I'm Awesome." Perceptions be damned. The thing is, I know what I believe "EGO" to mean and it's not that. If someone loves who they are without it hindering their personal relationships, then that's not EGO. So, that's not me. Why do I care or worry so much about how I am to be perceived? That's not on me. I know my truth. The other thing to keep in balance is that even though I'm being ME and believe in A, B and C; it is my job as a good human spirit to acknowledge and embrace everyone else's A, B and C. It's just the right thing to do and the cherry on top would be that I would be garnished with the same respect. We're all free to be... I will not impose my beliefs on you, just let us all live our amazingly different lives... We learn the most from people who see things differently than us and even more when they only speak of their experience not of their agenda. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, what is my point with all this you might be asking. Well, I ramble to find meaning and I get inspired by the little things in life and try to piece together why I was so inspired. The conclusion, if you will is that "starting" is a process and we will START over and over again. Starting again doesn't always have to mean you failed (doesn't ever have to mean that), it just means you're choosing to get something done NOW. The most important thing is to not dwell on the past or get too hung up on the "why"s. You're starting again - good for you. PERIOD! The other thing is to embrace yourself NOW. Who you are at every stage is beautiful and wonderful YOU. Love yourself now, listen to your body, take care of your health and honor your visions. The vision you have for yourself and your life should only be YOUR OWN. Once you align with that and hold tight to that and be true to yourself whole-heartedly and without apologies will you be 100% happy. BE YOU. LOVE YOU. EMBRACE YOU. </span></div>
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Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-83164231257087580872016-01-11T12:13:00.001-08:002016-01-11T12:13:25.672-08:00Emotions <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The lowest low won’t leave you there. You will see a high
point again. We all struggle, at some point, trying to figure out what we’re here
for. It isn’t that we have no purpose or are lacking deep sparks of inspiration. It’s just
that at any given moment, we can fall into a spell of sadness. When someone
passes whom you admired for their amazing humanity and humility, you can’t help but
feel a void. Where will that love come from now? The answer is that you will
create that love, even if you don’t know it yet. You have been touched by
another life traveler and they have rubbed off on you FOREVER. The pieces of
them you admired and held tight to become a piece of you. Perhaps you start to
do the same things they did for the world or perhaps you just find your own way
to spread the kind of joy they did. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sadness doesn’t always come in loss, however. This is the
mystery of life – why am I sad when I have it all in the palm of my hand? There’s
not always a clear cut, crisp answer for you, but I have to believe that you
need to feel whatever has come your way. Why would it be knocking at your heart
if not to have you open up and let it sit down for tea and teach you something? So
often, we are told not to answer the door or to kick out this visitor as soon
as it sits down and reveals a bit of its intention. Truth is, we really need to
have the "tea." We need to hear all the emotion has to say. It’s
going to reveal a greater piece of ourselves and help us to heal or even just
embrace who we are. It can get messy and it may hurt, but what a gift to feel
such a magical mix-up of emotions. To feel at all is a gift. So open the door. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>On a day like today, it seems quite obvious the reason for
sadness. A musical legend has succumbed to cancer without ever letting on he
even had the disease. It’s like a crazy realization that for 18 months he was
suffering without the world knowing. That makes me sad. And then, it makes me
feel very much in awe of a person who could keep something that monumental to himself. On his
terms till death and well, that is pretty powerful stuff. What emotions must he have felt? Knowing he didn’t
have much time, but managing to gather more pieces of inspiration to share with
the world. He gave us the most amazing final farewell. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I have been told throughout my life that my emotions would
be a hindrance. My tangibility of what I felt and how often I did feel would in
some way be the death of me. All sorts
of people throughout my days have said “You’re too sensitive” or “Stop your tears” or "Are you serious?" I have thought of myself as different and strange for feeling each and every
emotion in one single day. I can literally go from crying to laughing. I will
cry if someone harms a bug or when a trinket of my past gets broken or when I
see a girl sitting on the curb in tears because she’s just been in a small car accident.
She’s fine, car’s fine, but I cry for her and all she has to go through. I used
to believe that was completely irrational or unacceptable by society because
that’s what I’ve been programmed to believe. Be strong, buck up and just don’t
ever let them see you cry are strong messages this world feeds us. The thing is – the world is lacking empathy. Feeling
for others – REALLY feeling for other beings. I’ve got an abundance of it and I’m
not going to change that. I'm sensitive not TOO SENSITIVE. I will not stop my natural feeling and if that means tears, so be it! Yes, I'm serious. I do not question your feelings so give me some grace and kindness when I feel. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Today I’m blue. That’s not sexy. That’s not positive. That’s
not my best foot forward. Still, that’s the truth. Today, I’m feeling down,
lost and completely emotional. It’s okay. Everyone gets sad, down, or
completely loses it. If more people allow themselves these lows perhaps more
emotionally healthy people we would all be. I’m on a quest to feel what I feel.
I want to be healthy. I want to be authentic. I have been doing some major work
on me and I really expected to discover I needed to tone down my emotions in
order to be a <i>better</i> person. What I discovered is exactly the opposite.
Embracing myself and being a happier person can only be possible when I embrace
the flows of emotions in my life. They are part of me and I don’t need to change them. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Here’s to feeling what
you feel and owning your emotions </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Let them come in and go
out like waves in the ocean </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Don’t wallow or let
them overtake your entire life </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>But know that a sad
spell is completely all right </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Even when you have
everything you’ve ever wanted </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>There can be
unaddressed skeletons in your closet </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Let them come in and
get you through it </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Healing, light and peace will be all they emit </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Embrace your human
elements which include those feelings </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Work through every one
so it’s not your happiness they end up stealing </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Feel and send out as
much love as you can to those most closely affected </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>All alone in grief or
doubt or pain, but you can show them we are all connected </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Connected by our emotions and our
empathy…</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I feel for you… Do you feel for me? </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5469395079439738989.post-74512279353680115422015-12-02T17:37:00.002-08:002015-12-02T17:37:34.494-08:00Moving Forward <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> </b></span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> There are many
instances in a person's life where they are moved and shaped by what surrounds
them; in both productive and negative ways. That's why they (whoever THEY are)
always say, "surround yourself with people who lift you higher," or
"be around people who see the greatness within you." These
expressions get played out and become cliché, but the philosophy of them rings
true. In order to shine, you have to be around those who are shinning and
adding to your light. The dark forces only shadow your brightness or aim to
steal your light. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
There are times we don't get to choose who surrounds us. I can
already hear</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">them</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> saying "yes, of course you can - just
leave the situation." There are times when you are on your way out of a
situation, but in order to have grace and dignity, you must slowly begin your
departure. Sometimes this means you have to go day in and day out with dark
forces trying to steal your light. The thing is... let them try... You are far
too bright for any darkness to permanently bring you down. </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
I am having a hard few weeks and I feel as the flowers in that
poem above. They feel stuck. There has been a lot of going through the motions
coupled with beautiful bright spots like sitting with my Mister talking or this
past Thanksgiving or working on an art project or writing my novel. I have such
high lights (pun intended, LOL) and then such low dark spots. This constant up
and down has made me feel different from the world in the past, but lately I
see that I'm no different than anyone. I believe we all feel ups and downs and
on a daily basis. It's just that my lows are so low and my highs fly and are so
magnificent. </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
It struck me one evening, that expressing my every feeling was not
benefiting me. I realized that keeping some of it to myself was very powerful.
In this world where we express every possible thing to a world of computer
screens, I just felt like a little silence was in order. It's been amazingly
healing for me and has moved me to a different space of existence. My life is
not a picture reel. My life is not a status to be liked. My life is whoever is
seated next to me, whoever I am speaking to on the phone and all those
beautiful souls who extend their life to mine. How I see it is that I've been
holding out fishing poles just hoping someone would bite: BIG fish equaled thirty
or more</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">like</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">s and a </span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">little</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> fish
was zero to thirty</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">like</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">s. I fell into the trap of</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">who likes me?</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> But WHO CARES? Honestly! Life is not a
popularity contest. At least my life has never been one. </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
Now, just to be 100% CLEAR - this is my personal preference and my
personal journey and in no way, shape or form am I bashing here. I am simply
making a conscious effort, for my well being, to put down a screen and pick up
a book. To not know exactly what news will be rolled out each day. (Like what
happened in Paris just a few weeks ago. My prayers went out and tears fell and
I didn't even know the gruesome details that have since been shared verbally
with me. I am so glad I didn't have to see that. I can't handle it.) My heart
is so fragile and I just can't handle the weight of the world sometimes. That
doesn't mean I don't see the amazing beauty of the world. You cannot truly
appreciate the sun without the rain to show you there's a difference. This life
and all its gifts are amazing. I'm left awe struck so often which leads to
inspiration which leads to creativity! Still, I feel EVERYTHING. Can't express
how much you're feeling because not everyone sees it for what it is. You can
easily get labeled</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">negative</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> or a</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">drama queen</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> if you let people into that very delicate space and that
just fuels the low lights. There are moments I feel COMPLETELY
misunderstood and invisible and in those tough times, my best friends are</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">ink pen</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">and</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">blank
sheet of paper</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">. I know how lucky that
is: to never feel truly alone because I have a space in which to create worlds
or thoughts or musings. It's pretty unbelievable at how many pieces of poetry
I've written. They are tangible pieces of <i>me</i>.
</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
Back to the light... Those souls who are kind enough to peek
behind the canvas of words or art and see into your heart, those are the
special souls. We don't all have the same support systems and we don't all like
the same things as each other. Sometimes we get so caught up in having this
person or that person pay attention to us or validate us - all the while
missing the light to the side which has been glowing non-stop as a constant
source. It's so important to acknowledge and hold tight to those who are always
there shining bright. Those who occasionally join the party, welcome them in.
It’s not relevant when they chose to show up; all that matters is that <i>they showed up</i>! It's not about validation or acceptance. We've
unfortunately been trained by this outward society that something only bears
merit if it can be purchased. That is a lie. </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
So, why am I writing? What is my purpose for this: my latest rant? Well,
sometimes I have a point and sometimes I ramble. Today is a little of both.
What I hope to convey is we each are valid beings. My way, your way, his way, and
her way - they are ALL valid. We must be in tune with what our minds and hearts
are telling us and follow the paths that have our well being in mind. If
something doesn't work for you, don't continue to participate in it. Finding
the light is <i>the great quest</i> of life.
Never stop searching for it and never stop emanating it! No matter how dark it
gets, you always have a spark of light in you. ALWAYS! </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">We are all made up of
light and dark</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">We are all deep beings
with soul and heart </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">We are all capable of
great things </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">But it's not about the
gold it brings </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">It is about the richness
of spirit </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I wrote this. It is not
about who hears it</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Each experience serves a
purpose </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Each reflection rids you
of a burden </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Center yourself with
your values </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Shaped and formed,
specific to you </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Whatever works </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">To preserve </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Your peace within </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">It's not about where
you've been </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Only you can make
yourself feel cornered </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Do yourself a favor and
just keep on moving forward... </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Simple Girl Inspiredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914246086212479325noreply@blogger.com0