A menagerie of emotion, a spectacle of contradiction, and a kaleidoscope of creativity. I'm a source of great confusion lately. Each day I wake up with something different filling my head and spirit. Today I feel a sense of purpose and security. I've been lacking those two things for more than 3 weeks now - where have they been? I fell into a dark and ugly negative pool of hopelessness which created a world of answer-less questions. All my "why?"s kept me searching and never finding which left me feeling empty. I hate feeling empty when I've always felt so full of words and light and love. Empty is way too bitter and cold for this gal. I need substance and deep seeded roots filling me at all times to feel sane and my empty vessel left me worried.
About 2 years ago or was it 3? I don't know exactly, but a while back I battled horrible depression - like the give me a shrink and get me some pills kind of depression. Everything ate at me and I hated everything. Nothing anyone could say was right and I was horribly unapproachable and unhappy. Well this weekend I felt a slight tinge of what I felt back then. I was thinking... "uh,oh - am I headed down that road again?" Luckily, all I really needed was a few nights of deep sleep and a few kicks in the ass while I looked into the mirror. Mind you - this depression stuff isn't really a feeling sorry for myself kind of thing. It's a sadness like no sadness I've ever known and for no reason. I've got nothing to be horribly sad about - not anymore - so this sadness stems from nothing in my direct world. This sadness is tied to everything and everyone else. It's so strange, but I can just look down a busy street and find things that just break my heart and then I link it to family I miss or bonds that have been broken and it hits home. Makes very little sense and I'm realizing it doesn't have to. I just need to figure out how to get out of this space...
So, today I woke up too late, dilly dallied too long and had to run around like a mad woman to get out the door for work. I was five minutes late which hurts my pride, but it didn't matter to anyone else. I sat down at my desk and I had purpose and I had drive to get work done and get life moving. It felt so amazing and I realize that - what's really lacking is substance to all the moments I'm not at this desk. I have a zillion million projects and goals and things I want to get done and I have so much time in which to do them and see them through and yet I don't. What's up with that? (I hear Keenan Thompson's SNL character singing "What's up with that? What's up with that?" LOL) Why am I constantly letting good ideas and great works go unfinished, go unheard, go undone? I'm not a lazy person and yet when it comes to the projects that literally give me goosebumps while working on them - I can't push myself to do them often enough.
Life can be so confusing at times. You can hold everything you need in the palm of your hand and still the puzzle pieces don't fit. I always seem to be lacking something which I desperately need to move forward in my life. No amount of writing it out, talking it out or crying it out works. Somewhere down the line it rages up and takes over my stride. I guess that's just how life is sometimes - it's not perfect. I don't expect perfection being a free spirit, but I guess there is a flexible mold of what I want life to look like and when it doesn't shift and change into that space, it's frustrating. I just want to be a person who isn't so full of fear, guilt, doubt or angst - that she can't see her greatest goals through. Everyone always asks me if I'm needing some kind of recognition or if I'm looking to be famous. Truthfully I am not. I don't need attention of admirers - all I want is to be passionate about my inner currants of inspiration. To share my treasures of the mind and visual creations is always a plus, but I have about a hundred little projects that no one has ever seen and they've fulfilled me for many hours. It's not about the recognition...
Even as I type I hear a voice saying, "you want attention... you're writing to the world again." It's not like that. I'm writing to share, to vent, and to hopefully help someone else. I feel the best way to help is to be honest in your truth - whether it be light, dark or treacherous. We are human and the most isolating thing is to not feel understood or that anyone else knows how you feel. If you can reach someone who feels as down in the dumps as you or who feels hopeless and alone - you've made something out of your dark space. How awful for us to go through these painful periods of growth and unknowing days without it meaning something. It does mean something - it means we care enough about our future to contemplate it, to change it, to create a plan, and to just get through this blanket of shadows.
We are all equal, but so very different. Just because I'm gloomy today doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be a bucket full of sunshine. Our changing moods and seasons teach us to grow and teach us that nothing is forever. Some may find that daunting, but I find it hopeful. We don't have to stay in the same house forever. We don't have to keep the same job forever. We don't even have to look the same forever - we have options. We are choosing what we do and how we live - every single second of our lives. I think that's why I loved those "Pick Where the Story Goes" books from my adolescent days - I felt in control of the outcome. We have control of our destiny - life just throws in curve balls every now and then to keep it all interesting. Still, we have more control then we take credit for. We are the keepers of our happiness, our heart, our body, our soul... We must take care of it - no one else will. This world is cruel, if you succumb to it. This world is beautiful if you focus on the beauty instead of mean words and hurtful actions.
I wish that I lived on the surface
Never deep enough to have a purpose
Where nothing ever got to me
Resembling more of a puddle than the sea
I could brush off every hurtful word
I could act as if I never heard
I would have no desires or regrets
To claim I'd never cry - that'd be a safe bet
I wish that I held myself more confidently
Never responsible, in a state of "accidentally"
Where nothing ever amounts to much
Where it's not my fault we don't stay in touch
I could peg the blame on others
I could unfriend those who blew my covers
I would always be in the right
To have no doubts as I lay down to bed at night
How much better life would be
If I wasn't sensitive, little 'ol me
If I mirrored some of the people I struggle with
If I had a major personality shift
Would it be just fine not to care?
Would I be alright not being there?
I doubt that I'd fair as well
I doubt that I could stop the urge to dwell
I was designed to care a little too much
To add meaning where it ain't and feel touched
It doesn't make life easy for me
But what's the fun in easy?