Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Numb

The days where I could write and write and write about my thoughts and feelings for hours have seem to dissipate. The spark of creativity has been replaced with brutal reality. It's as if someone took spray paint to my mural. Like my historical structure has been knocked down to make way for progress. It is like my epic novel was saved on a computer that had a hard drive failure and everything was lost. It's an awful feeling really - to be devoid of words when all you've ever done was spew them out. When all you ever had to do was look at a cloud or passer-by and instantly you'd be inspired to write a 2 page poem detailing your vision and perception. 

Life has gotten bleak. An empty string of days - every one the same as the next - nothing igniting passion or cause. I'm an office gal. I come in, I put out fires, process payroll and go home. Next day I come in, I put out fires, send out Accounts Receivable notices and go home. Granted, I enjoy the work and I feel that I matter, but it's losing its fulfillment. It's never what I wanted to do with my life. Then, I start to think about how so many of us go to work day in and day out without the beast in our belly. Without fire, without something that really ignites us. Yes, my job will add experience to my resume and money to my bank account. And yes, I feel good when I've put in my day - I feel like I accomplished something, but it's not what I am meant to do. 

So what are we meant to do? I'm 32 years old and when I was 20 I thought I wanted to be a famous singer or songwriter or both. I wanted to travel the world and make a difference in the world with whatever money I earned. I wanted to be thought of as kind and giving while never having to work a day of my life because my work would be my passion. The idea seemed so easy, but the actually becoming such things is not and when you're a lost soul - your direction is so hard to find. It's not easy staying on track when you can't even find where your track is. Some people are lucky - they have that drive and motivation from the start - they just go for it - they want it that bad. Some people want it, but what really helps them succeed is someone in their life helping plot out every move. I didn't have either of these things. I lack motivation and I didn't have anyone to push me or open my horizons to how to go about it. It's really easy to see and point out why I have failed. 

Still, I don't think that I'm intended to be a "Failure" at this passion place. Where words mold my life into what I've always dreamed. I feel that since I'm "32" it's just a given in this society that I can't make it now. I'm washed up, I'm too old, it's over, just let it go. How sad is that? Why do we let age and circumstance define our destiny? Why is it so important to be young and youthful in our world? The youth have no experience and news flash - the youth become old just like all the rest of us. Who is to say that those who take a lot longer to find themselves cannot pave a path to their dreams later in life? Well, I'm to say - I'm the one who hears these things and believe them. I'm the one who lets others' doubts fill my head. People can talk, talk, talk and we must start taking responsibility for what we listen to. What we let mold and make us is up to us. The shape of who we are cannot be changed by anyone unless we let them affect us. 

People are brutal. People are beautiful. What we need to decipher is what people will we allow in to our worlds? True that sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes the people we love the most and cherish the most - always building them up and doing whatever we can for them - sometimes those people hurt us the most. "Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, you can't squeeze them back into the tube." It's so true. Once you snip someone's character apart or you put them down - no matter if you think you're kidding or not - the pain has been rendered. To use words in a negative way takes so much energy - to say something nice is what comes naturally to the brain. Why go out of your way to hurt someone? This life is full of enough "no"s, setbacks, and day to day disappointments - there is no need to add more strife to anyone's life - especially someone you love. What I love to see is the beauty in people - holding the door open, calling for no reason but to tell someone I LOVE YOU, or a hug when you know someone needs one. People are beautiful, but underneath they may be in pain, so why not tell them you love them or how amazing they are instead of telling them about flaws they are well aware of, or criticizing something they've done just because it isn't done your way? 

I'm very fragile and I break far more than anyone I know. I take everything to heart and I really fall far when I fall. Right now I'm all over the map in my discussion, but that's where I am right now in life. I am all over the map. I can't tell down from up and the sense of "I'm right where I should be," is fleeting. I feel that I am constantly planning and creating and connecting - trying to get everyone together and keep in the mix with as much as possible while still being a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister and a human. I feel that I have let some major parts of myself go for others and I'm starting to resent it. I've never been a selfish person. If you ask me to be there for you or if I feel I'm needed somewhere - I am there and with a smile and my heart in it. I'm happiest to give of myself, but as many have seen, I'm not me anymore. I've given all of me away and I need to start putting myself back together. 

It's often said that you cannot be a true asset to anyone else unless you are a whole person. My fragments are here and there and everywhere. Life is confusing at times - sometimes you think you've got it all figured out - only to find "Whoa.. there's something not write about this picture." It's a little crooked. I'm a little misplaced at the moment. People I've admired and felt a connection to have left this world and I haven't been very open to deal with it - I've grown a bit numb. People who I have looked up to and always respected have let me down - I've grown a bit cold and disconcerted. I don't know what to say or how to act when usually I would just be a babbling brook of hurt and emotion. To talk it out or write it out and get it out in the open and resolved, I've become out of touch with my center, my roots. I've got much grooming to do in the garden of my life - some weeds and horrible rodents have snuck in to take my joy... It's time that I get in there and do the work. I'm not a lazy person until it comes to working on me. The hardest thing for me to do is focus on myself for fear of self centered-ness... but if I don't re-adjust my focus, what life will I really have?... 

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