Positivity INSIDE and OUT

POSITIVITY DROWNS OUT NEGATIVITY

I haven't written in a while. My words, thoughts, feelings, etc. lost all meaning somehow. When you write, you aim to be heard and when it feels like no one is listening, you just start to feel replaceable. When you take some time away from it all and reflect and work on yourself, you see that you have been giving your power to outside forces. A writer writes to feel something. I am on cloud nine as I type here, fire in my belly and words hitting the tips of my brain. Formulating and carving out a piece of written history. It may not be heard by the masses, but it's being heard by me as I write it. Like therapy, I get out some angst and thought and vision and I hope it helps someone else or gives inspiration and healing to at least one person, but guess what? If it doesn't, it has given me life. 

THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS...

 What I've begun to realize is that negativity and positivity are both swirling all around us all the time. It's our choice which balloons we grab onto. And perhaps instead of handing out negativity balloons to those we peg as such, we should first look into their situation and listen. "We have no right to express our opinion until we know all the answers." 

- Kurt Cobain. 

Also, there is no one way to feel, to break, to be happy... 

there are millions of ways to do exactly the same thing. 

Positivity is abundant in an OPEN MIND... 

That being said, I have judged based on experience or preconceived notions. I am human. I am not void of getting it wrong. I have made some monumental mistakes, but all I can do is apologize and move forward. I've been on the other end of mistakes as well and moving forward when you've been damaged by words is really hard for me. 

Because I am a wordy gal, words echo like knives in my ears. 

I hold tight to words or they hold tight to me and I find it so very hard to let go... 

BUT - I am the one holding on... I am the one who has to let go... 

Life is such a beautiful mess and I have no time for falling into a negativity zone again. I hear the negative words and I feed them to my good 'ol friend - self loathing...  I don't ever feel good enough. I take whatever someone says as fact about who I am when I am the writer of this autobiography. No one should be able to write the lines of my story and yet I let them write in sharpie and I stew in the words that they penned. This makes it so I don't ever feel that I have what it takes to be part of any circle of friends or family. Any tiny judgment on anyone's part just gets added to the trillion self judgments I already hold over myself and I cave in. This has made it very hard for me to live without anxiety or self doubt. I want so badly to live up to everyone's expectations of me that I don't stop and think what my expectations of myself are. I run, run, run and rarely stop to nourish my inner spirit, soul and life. There's no one to blame but myself. My ego is non-existent and at least a small ego is key to a healthy balance of inner peace. You have to believe in yourself in some capacity! I have had some great flourishes of success that give me hope of self esteem, but any hiccup sends me right back to feeling insecure and hopeless. John Mayer's lyrics: "Stop this train, I wanna get off..." illustrates how I feel a lot of the time. I don't want to take the same trip down the same track year after year, but I buy that ticket and I go round and round again and again...  

Something has got to change and the best way to change is to add dollops of positivity to my life. I feel so run down all the time. The anxiety comes on and I just sit there in a stomach acid frenzy hoping for things to change. I love HOPE and I believe in it more than anything, but in this instance, it won't get me out of this mess. I've gotta change. I've been changing my mind frame and scope, but now I've got to change my actions. I am worthy of a mistake or a hiccup. It's all in how I handle it and respond to it that will make all the difference. I am not meant to be perfect nor do I ever want to be. I miss all the creative things I used to do. I used to send cards for every holiday. I used to draw, paint, write, sing and feed that creative side that is so important to my character. Those are pieces of positivity that I've allowed to leave my life. WHY? I guess I had come to think that positivity was  just a demeanor. To be well equipped with smiles, a can do attitude and doing my best to give as much happiness to others as possible is what I thought it meant, but positivity is far more than that. Positivity comes most authentically from a person who is fueling their life with it. I am not. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not faking anything I give. Man do I love to make life a little easier or better for anyone and everyone I can. I just have to start seeing that the same love I give outwardly, needs to be given inwardly. As I write this, I'm beating myself up internally: "You're 36 years old, what is wrong with you?" or "How come it's taken you this long to figure this out?" All I have to say to that voice is: "This is where I am and this is who I am!" I am a beautiful mess full of ideas, unfinished dreams and a wonderful life before me. I am so blessed in love, family, friends and this little orange furball I call my kiddo. All I need to do is start letting positivity rule my life from the inside out and not the other way around... 

BE KIND...

Be simple. Be inspired. Be YOU!