Saturday, August 3, 2013

Your Best Self

When the clouds roll in and the days are dark it's easy to shield yourself with an umbrella. You hide yourself from the drip drops of life that are unpleasing by wearing your raincoat. When the clouds roll in you ask, "why?" and sometimes the puddles rise up the side of your rain boots. Then, there are other times when a great epiphany strikes like lightning. This is usually a sign that you are open to change and electricity. Epiphanies are few and far between, for most, and that is why when one comes we grab at it and try to make it take root. We vow to change our lives, vow to do it differently, vow to move into another dimension of who we are. We see the challenge and we rise to it and we are moving forward. So, why do some epiphanies become our downfalls? I suppose it is because of the way it strikes us - this lightning of thought - this idea of change. 
Many a time I've learned something amazing from those billowing clouds in my life. This last time the clouds took hold of me, shook me and the lightning that followed shifted my whole being and changed my soul and mind forever. Lightning struck me to move, to reflect and deduce that my behavior and attitude needed to be fixed. My way of thinking was beyond jaded by the world around me. Except that the world was not to blame. Outside forces cannot be at fault for anything bubbling around in my brain. I choose what I think, I choose what I feel, I choose what I believe and yet it was so easy to say that the world influenced all the chips and scars and whatever I felt I lacked. Truth is that when you really dissect your troubles and try to find a solution for your life - those nay-sayers, critics, bullies, and external outlets have no bearing or meaning. You give them meaning. Your opinions, your views, and your ideals matter. Each of us are here with our experiences and our stories and in that we gain a view. Why should other people's views mean more than our own? Your view matters. You are with yourself for the rest of your life. You. YOU. Only YOU. We are born alone and we die alone and between then and the end we have to live a life of helping others while keeping our design. 
I believe that life is a place of service - service to others by listening, helping, guiding, and just plain being there for each other. That is our main function in life - to make this world better for the now and the future. To stay present and be mindful of what we say and what we do. Our "Design" is kind of like a blueprint for what we want our life to look like. These must be drawn in pencil as life always has other plans for us. Still, who you want to be and where your passion lies never leaves your blueprint. Who you are is always changing, but I believe who you want to be does not. You have an image in your mind of your future self - it's only natural. The key is striving towards it without dwelling on not reaching that self fast enough. Life throws twists and turns that you cannot control and you're not supposed to. I believe this life is for learning, growing and teaching. To reach out to people around you and show them a slice of kindness they will take with them the rest of their life. A great legacy is one where many lives are touched by simple acts of kindness, love and generosity. These simple acts should never be done with any thought of reciprocation. You just do and move onto the next act that appears on your path. 
When I think of designing my life, I feel selfish. To think of only what I want and what I need to be happy, that's horrible. A lot of people think that way. To put yourself on the list when life is about helping others is just narrow minded and takes away from your focus on others. But we've got it all wrong.
To take care of oneself by making goals, climbing ladders and becoming stronger in character is vital to life. In order for you to be able to give to everyone else and be there for everyone else; you have got to start being there for yourself. Honestly, even just typing that I feel selfish. I feel that to put so much focus on myself would be superficial and an act of conceit. It's really hard for me to put myself on the list. Though I know that if I travel down this road of life in the same fashion I've always done I will have accomplished nothing and I will have nothing left to give at some point. It starts with the power of thought. 
So often we are faced with difficulties in life. Be it a disagreement with a co-worker or a bad break up with a guy/gal. The phrases "He made me feel stupid," or "She made me feel like I didn't matter," are used to describe certain scenarios. We put all the blame of how we feel into the other person's hands. They are NOT the ones who make you feel that way - you are. You feel stupid. You feel inadequate, you feel fat, ugly, invisible or anything else YOU FEEL. No one can make you feel anything. Yes, of course people can pull these feelings out of you by saying something crass or pointing out something about you that you already don't like. Ultimately though, you choose how you feel about yourself - PERIOD!  That realization is hard to grasp. Once you grasp it, it's also hard to keep your mind constantly open to it. You have to re-program, over time, your whole thought process. 
It sounds so cheesy, but you have to fall in love with yourself. Not in a conceited way and not in a "where can I find a mirror" way, but in a "I respect myself" way. When you don't put stock in you, how in the world do you expect anyone else to put any in you? I believe it is why we are here - to find ourselves and love what we find. It's a journey and of course we all make mistakes and have our ups and downs. Life makes it hard to love on yourself all the time, but the trick is fine tuning your life adjuster. To me, the secret to life is adjusting to life with a positive attitude. The ability to tweak yourself to life's unfolding changes. 
There is a connection between all of us and the way to give of yourself fully is to give to yourself truly. To seek out what you need to be your best self. Develop your talents and mind to it's greatest potential. Stretch your body to its limits and realize that the body is a vessel for your soul. To reach your destiny, you must treat your body, mind, heart and soul well. You cannot leave one unattended to and expect to go far. For those who rarely think of themselves, it is hard to realize how important "self" really is. You must take yourself seriously and invest in who you are and what you're here for. No matter when this realization takes place, you can change. If you're 20, 30, 40, 70, 100 years young... you can change. You are valid, you are worthy of feeling good about yourself. When you give to you, you become your best self and the world will thank you for it!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means To ME!

          Respect does not come with age, knowledge, or plain demeanor. I believe that respect is earned. The old saying, “Respect your elders,” implies that just because someone is older than you and has walked this earth longer than you, they somehow deserve your respect. I find this to be very empty and unsubstantial. Respect is huge and grand in my vocabulary. There are a few different realms of respect and people associate different meanings and reasons for “Respect.” With all that being said, coincidentally, my elders are people I do admire and respect greatly. Grandmother Beatrice, Grandmother Marie, Grandfather Stephens, Grandmother Jeanette, and Grandfather John are who I consider my elders. These amazing people saw this country when it was a simplistic menagerie of hard work and apple pie. These souls have endured war, poverty, progress and great change in the landscape of the US of A. I can’t even fathom what it’s like to see the world as it is now – so vastly different from their beginnings. Nostalgic buildings - gone, stores they frequented - out of business, and communication reduced to text messages or emails. They’ve had to adapt to a much faster paced world. I have high esteem for the beginners of what we now call our family. They planted the seeds of our heritage and from it our parents sprouted and then we soon followed from their blooms. The generation of tradition and sacrifice instilled ethics and morals in their children and those teachings were then handed down the ladder to us.  Respect my elders – well, I certainly do. Not because I HAVE TO, but because they’ve earned my respect with their open hearts and kind ways. Their stories and the time they lend telling them to the younger generation is priceless and I feel honored every time they let me into their history.  Same goes for my parents – all 3 of them – I respect and have such admiration for their histories and how far they’ve come. I’m a lucky girl to have such amazing people that I can look up to.
Now there have been times when I’ve been told I DON’T respect my elders. It really irks me (to be perfectly honest) because I show and give kindness and love to everyone until they give me a reason not to. Quite frankly, those who say this about me are the same ones who have tried my trust, lied to me, and broken my spirit a few too many times. They have shown me or the people around me no respect and therefore they get what they’ve given. So this begs the question, should you respect someone just because they are related to you, older than you or in a position that ranks above you?
I do believe you can be civil with someone whom you don’t necessarily respect. I think in life you have to be able to be truthful to your core, but also cordial with those around you who may not line up with your morals or integrity. Life is going to toss many different people your way and I don’t believe we’re all meant to get along. It’s all about finding the people who support you, keep you grounded and shower the world with positivity. Surrounding yourself with that type of energy as much as possible is obviously great for your soul, but when you go out into the world those people aren’t always available in every setting. It’s hard to navigate sometimes – especially where family is concerned. If you really can’t get on board with someone and you’ve tried and tried to be civil and make everything all roses and sunshine, but they just constantly go against the grain of civility – sometimes you just have to give up.
Of course I feel respect is earned – no matter who you are, how old you are, what position you hold, etc.  There are just times I catch myself doubting that way of thinking because someone questions why I’m not close to an “Elder.” Life is why and actions have shown me who they are. Untruths, stories, broken plans, selfish ways, and negative comments said about me or my most cherished people of my life has chipped away at the respect instilled when I was young. I believe that you are born into a family and there’s a clean slate for every family member, friend, acquaintance that surround you. As you grow and form yourself, you see each person’s character and attributes more and more clearly. You become a person with morals, ethics, boundaries and opinions and those around you start to fit into those ideals or they do not. Mostly what makes it hard to respect someone is the way they treat others. When disrespect is part of their equation, it is very hard to extend respect or civility. With family, you do your best to hang on despite your differences, but sometimes it’s more detrimental to your soul to hang on than to let them go.
Life is a patchwork of experiences and some patches give you color and warmth that keep you safe and happy.  Some patches come undone or ware out till there’s a hole there just bringing in a cold draft. All these pieces matter and all these pieces can be mended if both people want to put in the time stitching. One sided responsibility garners no respect. Every relationship starts with 2 people and the only reason it ends up with 1 person aching for re-connection is because of stubbornness and pride. Those two characteristics make it very hard for respect to re-bloom.
There’s another facet to respect which has to do with lifestyle choices. We all have been formed by our upbringing, our influences and what path we choose to walk. We are all valid, we are all right. Besides the obvious sins – lying, stealing, harming others, etc. – the choices we make in life are right for us. We may look back on a choice later and wish we’d done it differently, but still – it was our choice. When we try and change people to think exactly like us we are not giving them respect either. We are wanting them to conform to our strict sense of what is right. Though, that attitude negates the exact beauty of our differences. We are all put here for a reason – I think of it as a rainbow – each of us are responsible for a strip of color that in turn creates a beautiful sight. If each strip looked to the color next to it and wished it were the same hue as itself, eventually you’d look to the sky on a rainy day and see one big strip of brown. All the colors would be running together and ruining the very essence of what makes a rainbow so beautiful. The different colors! A teacher I had, Mrs. Marciniak, once told a boy in class who was constantly tattling on everyone, “All you need to do is worry about yourself. Be the example.” At the time I didn’t think it was the right thing to say, but I get it now. What she meant was to stop looking for everyone’s shortcomings and focus on doing well yourself and others will follow suit. When you are constantly picking apart why someone is different or telling them that the way they are doing something is wrong - even if the end result is the same – you are disrespecting them.  In life, you only need to focus on the way you do things and what works for you. If someone else goes about life differently whether it be that they like Sushi and you think it’s awful or they use a different detergent than they do to wash clothes – they are not wrong. You can’t tell them NOT to eat sushi or tell them that their detergent is a horrible choice. That is none of your business. The know-it-all personality isn’t always one that is respected or accepted. Claiming to know all the right answers or the right ways to do everything is preposterous. There are hundreds of different ways to live life. If someone wants to get married – great! For that person who doesn’t see marriage as a good fit for them – that’s valid too! Babies are great for some people and some people may never be ready to properly care for another human being – that’s valid. If someone loves someone much older than them or someone of the same sex or someone who doesn’t have a clear career path – that’s all valid. The biggest thing lacking in the world is RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER. We self preserve and instill self respect, but respect for each other isn’t at the forefront of society. It’s all about battling it out in a good debate – let me persuade you to think the way I do, etc. Where have all the open minds gone? Those who can have set standards for their life and yet still be open to other possibilities and respect those who choose differently than them?
I respect my elders, I respect my parents, I respect my brother, I respect my mate, and all because they’ve instilled respect in me. You get what you give and if you take more than you give, someone’s not getting enough. How respectful is that? 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Technology Frenzied World

"Hello, my name is Jennie and I'm a technology-holic!" 

So, it's official, I am addicted to the internet, to my cell phone, to Facebook and to tracking every single thing I am doing. It's as if I think it'll all be immortalized if I blog it or check in or add it to my status. I've fallen into that place where if my phone isn't next to me, I'm reaching for it or searching for it. Horrible. 

So, for me - a thinking individual - I of course have to analyze why, how, what makes me addicted. I am also using technology - this blog - to do so. Pathetic. Oh well,  it's the norm right now. Everyone, everywhere has a phone in their purse, on their hip or in their ear. The house phone has gone extinct and we are always reachable - no matter where we may be. Is this good? 

On many levels being able to reach someone and write a little loving note on Facebook when you would otherwise not have time to show such sentiment is great. To call someone when your car breaks down - that's not only convenient - in some ways it can save your life. To use your cell phone for directions is helpful for navigating through small towns and obscure places. To take pictures and share them with people you never get to see is priceless. I see all the up-sides to it. It's a great way to communicate and yet I feel it's hindering communication greatly. 

These days we know what everyone is up to, but not because of a verbal exchange. We know how they are because we saw their posts on Facebook. I suppose it's reassuring to know everyone is doing well and prospering in life through pictures and tidbits, but what about conversations by way of lunch dates or phone calls or even hand written letters? Most people will say they haven't the time for such forms of communication. Well, aren't these personal devices supposed to help save you time? Where is all the time going? If your life is neatly organized on your cell phone with calendars and alarms and amazing apps to help you save time - why don't you have time for anyone? 

In the recent past I have noticed that I have so many hours during the day to read, to write, to develop ideas, to learn and to grow, but they are being wasted. Technology has taken my time. Keeping up with what's going on in all the circles is time consuming. Watching the latest YouTube sensations - there goes an hour or more. Pinning my Pinterests and seeing what all my Pin Pals are pinning takes up another hour. Then, I head over to Facebook and there I see that there's a quiz to take on Grey's Anatomy - gotta see if I know the show as well as I think I do. Then, my friend just posted pictures from her European vacation and I must look at every single picture and comment on how beautiful she is and how amazing their trip looked. Then, there's the post that stumps the brain, "How many triangles do you see?" - I make my guess then look at the rest of the comments to see that my # isn't the most answered and so I re-calculate and re-count. Then, I see that Miranda Lambert has a new music video which leads me back to YouTube and to about 3-4 more videos on the side panel that look interesting. I make it back to Facebook to see it’s my turn to play the 25 Scrabble Games I've been invited to play. So I take my turns just to see that my 10 games of SongPop have all been played by my opponents and I really do hate to make people wait on my account - so I take my turns. Then, I click on "Most Recent" at the top of my homepage just to see if I've missed anything while I was busy playing games and well... wouldn't you know, I haven't seen the 3 Pro-Marijuana posts, 14 cat photos, 5 Pro-Obama, 10 Anti-Obama, and 7 Pro-Firearms posts that all my friends have liked or shared. There goes 3 hours of my time - *Poof* - gone. There's no getting those hours back and really what do I have to show for that lapse of time? ABSOLUTELY... NOTHING! 

Literally, just now in the middle of writing this blog, I went back over to Facebook and clicked, "Sort: Most Recent." Had to see what I've missed. That's a huge problem. I cannot even control my addiction to Social Media. It is a problem on so many levels and in so many ways. Most crucial is how it distracts from so many projects, stories and things I want to do. I waste my time on this fluff instead of creating. That never used to be me. You couldn't keep me away from my computer or writing pad - I wanted to be coming up with my own "masterpieces." Now I'd rather check out what's hip or new on Facebook? Why? It's always the same and whatever's not the same - will be there when I really have the time to waste - which let's face it is NEVER. Life is short and is this really how we want to spend our precious minutes? Another way it hinders my life is that others are more addicted than I am. Seriously, when I'm at a restaurant or at an outing - the most I'll ever do is "Check In" then my phone goes away - unless there are pictures to take - but honestly when I'm with my friends or loved ones - I give them my attention. I'm so against surfing the web on your phone when you're with people. You're not opening yourself up to conversation and life experiences - you aren't even there if you're on your phone. Another way it hinders my life is at home - sometimes between the hours of 6pm-10pm Paul and I are just on our phones playing some game or just watching videos, checking out websites, etc. That's unacceptable! That's precious US time - gone!  Priorities are so screwed up. 

In the last few weeks I've implemented a no phone zone at home from the hours of 6pm-9pm. Luckily, we have been outside (love the longer days) walking or running or hiking so that it’s not been that much of issue. The deal we've agreed on is if we break the rule - we have to put $1 into a jar. I don't know what else to do. It's taken over my whole world. Technology and what's going across the Internet Horizon make up 70% of what we talk about these days. Why? There's SO MUCH MORE to talk about and explore. 

I remember the days when you'd get lost looking at a paper map and you'd discover some place you never expected to find and it was an adventure. I remember the days when you'd get to hear stories about your ancestors instead of sitting in front of the television watching fiction. I remember the days when playing Clue or Monopoly with your family was a chance to bond instead of everyone sitting on their own phones playing Bejeweled alone. I remember the days when a news story was something profound and meaningful and it would take a couple days to circulate. Now the biggest news is who's dating who or who's breaking up with who in real time via Twitter. 

I love the luxury of technology. I love being able to write this and many people get to read it - anywhere and everywhere. I love to see pictures of my high school friend's children on Facebook and watch their families grow. I love the artistic pictures and amazing creative avenues the World Wide Web offers us all. Every wonderful thing has its downside and unfortunately the addictive property Social Media has is what I need to detox myself from. I don't have to know every he said/she said. Just think of the 1900s when all you had was newspapers and books. They managed to have full, meaningful lives... Our "More, more, more..." mentality leaves us with less. 

I am so very thankful to have grown up in a time when MTV was just beginning and they actually played music. I am thankful that I lived in a time where if you had a personal computer or a cell phone it meant you were rich. I am very thankful to have seen the difference between 1986 and 2006 firsthand. Not sure I'd want to go all the way back to an age before computers or cell phones, but I sure do realize how they've changed communication and not completely for the better. To quit an addiction, you have to be mindful that one exists and take the appropriate steps to rid yourself of it. I think the first step is making human interaction hold more of your attention than that little computer in your pocket. Look up and into the eyes of people as you talk to them one on one - that's what is missing in our technology frenzied world. "Contact," isn't just a number in your cell phone's address book - it is holding someone's hand and feeling their heart beat! 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Menagerie of Emotion

           A menagerie of emotion, a spectacle of contradiction, and a kaleidoscope of creativity. I'm a source of great confusion lately. Each day I wake up with something different filling my head and spirit.  Today I feel a sense of purpose and security. I've been lacking those two things for more than 3 weeks now - where have they been? I fell into a dark and ugly negative pool of hopelessness which created a world of answer-less questions. All my "why?"s kept me searching and never finding which left me feeling empty. I hate feeling empty when I've always felt so full of words and light and love. Empty is way too bitter and cold for this gal. I need substance and deep seeded roots filling me at all times to feel sane and my empty vessel left me worried. 

         About 2 years ago or was it 3? I don't know exactly, but a while back I battled horrible depression - like the give me a shrink and get me some pills kind of depression. Everything ate at me and I hated everything. Nothing anyone could say was right and I was horribly unapproachable and unhappy. Well this weekend I felt a slight tinge of what I felt back then. I was thinking... "uh,oh - am I headed down that road again?"  Luckily, all I really needed was a few nights of deep sleep and a few kicks in the ass while I looked into the mirror. Mind you - this depression stuff isn't really a feeling sorry for myself kind of thing. It's a sadness like no sadness I've ever known and for no reason. I've got nothing to be horribly sad about - not anymore - so this sadness stems from nothing in my direct world. This sadness is tied to everything and everyone else. It's so strange, but I can just look down a busy street and find things that just break my heart and then I link it to family I miss or bonds that have been broken and it hits home. Makes very little sense and I'm realizing it doesn't have to. I just need to figure out how to get out of this space... 

           So, today I woke up too late, dilly dallied too long and had to run around like a mad woman to get out the door for work. I was five minutes late which hurts my pride, but it didn't matter to anyone else. I sat down at my desk and I had purpose and I had drive to get work done and get life moving. It felt so amazing and I realize that - what's really lacking is substance to all the moments I'm not at this desk. I have a zillion million projects and goals and things I want to get done and I have so much time in which to do them and see them through and yet I don't. What's up with that? (I hear Keenan Thompson's SNL character singing "What's up with that? What's up with that?" LOL) Why am I constantly letting good ideas and great works go unfinished, go unheard, go undone? I'm not a lazy person and yet when it comes to the projects that literally give me goosebumps while working on them - I can't push myself to do them often enough.

          Life can be so confusing at times. You can hold everything you need in the palm of your hand and still the puzzle pieces don't fit. I always seem to be lacking something which I desperately need to move forward in my life. No amount of writing it out, talking it out or crying it out works. Somewhere down the line it rages up and takes over my stride. I guess that's just how life is sometimes - it's not perfect. I don't expect perfection being a free spirit, but I guess there is a flexible mold of what I want life to look like and when it doesn't shift and change into that space, it's frustrating. I just want to be a person who isn't so full of fear, guilt, doubt or angst - that she can't see her greatest goals through. Everyone always asks me if I'm needing some kind of recognition or if I'm looking to be famous. Truthfully I am not. I don't need attention of admirers - all I want is to be passionate about my inner currants of inspiration. To share my treasures of the mind and visual creations is always a plus, but I have about a hundred little projects that no one has ever seen and they've fulfilled me for many hours. It's not about the recognition... 

       Even as I type I hear a voice saying, "you want attention... you're writing to the world again." It's not like that. I'm writing to share, to vent, and to hopefully help someone else. I feel the best way to help is to be honest in your truth - whether it be light, dark or treacherous. We are human and the most isolating thing is to not feel understood or that anyone else knows how you feel. If you can reach someone who feels as down in the dumps as you or who feels hopeless and alone - you've made something out of your dark space. How awful for us to go through these painful periods of growth and unknowing days without it meaning something. It does mean something - it means we care enough about our future to contemplate it, to change it, to create a plan, and to just get through this blanket of shadows. 

       We are all equal, but so very different. Just because I'm gloomy today doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be a bucket full of sunshine. Our changing moods and seasons teach us to grow and teach us that nothing is forever. Some may find that daunting, but I find it hopeful. We don't have to stay in the same house forever. We don't have to keep the same job forever. We don't even have to look the same forever - we have options. We are choosing what we do and how we live - every single second of our lives. I think that's why I loved those "Pick Where the Story Goes" books from my adolescent days - I felt in control of the outcome. We have control of our destiny - life just throws in curve balls every now and then to keep it all interesting. Still, we have more control then we take credit for. We are the keepers of our happiness, our heart, our body, our soul... We must take care of it - no one else will. This world is cruel, if you succumb to it. This world is beautiful if you focus on the beauty instead of mean words and hurtful actions. 

          I wish that I lived on the surface 
          Never deep enough to have a purpose 
          Where nothing ever got to me 
          Resembling more of a puddle than the sea 
          I could brush off every hurtful word 
          I could act as if I never heard 
          I would have no desires or regrets 
          To claim I'd never cry - that'd be a safe bet 

          I wish that I held myself more confidently 
          Never responsible, in a state of "accidentally" 
          Where nothing ever amounts to much
          Where it's not my fault we don't stay in touch
           I could peg the blame on others 
           I could unfriend those who blew my covers
           I would always be in the right 
           To have no doubts as I lay down to bed at night 

           How much better life would be 
           If I wasn't sensitive, little 'ol me 
           If I mirrored some of the people I struggle with
           If I had a major personality shift 
           Would it be just fine not to care?
           Would I be alright not being there?
           I doubt that I'd fair as well 
           I doubt that I could stop the urge to dwell
           I was designed to care a little too much 
           To add meaning where it ain't and feel touched 
           It doesn't make life easy for me 
           But what's the fun in easy? 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


The days where I could write and write and write about my thoughts and feelings for hours have seem to dissipate. The spark of creativity has been replaced with brutal reality. It's as if someone took spray paint to my mural. Like my historical structure has been knocked down to make way for progress. It is like my epic novel was saved on a computer that had a hard drive failure and everything was lost. It's an awful feeling really - to be devoid of words when all you've ever done was spew them out. When all you ever had to do was look at a cloud or passer-by and instantly you'd be inspired to write a 2 page poem detailing your vision and perception. 

Life has gotten bleak. An empty string of days - every one the same as the next - nothing igniting passion or cause. I'm an office gal. I come in, I put out fires, process payroll and go home. Next day I come in, I put out fires, send out Accounts Receivable notices and go home. Granted, I enjoy the work and I feel that I matter, but it's losing its fulfillment. It's never what I wanted to do with my life. Then, I start to think about how so many of us go to work day in and day out without the beast in our belly. Without fire, without something that really ignites us. Yes, my job will add experience to my resume and money to my bank account. And yes, I feel good when I've put in my day - I feel like I accomplished something, but it's not what I am meant to do. 

So what are we meant to do? I'm 32 years old and when I was 20 I thought I wanted to be a famous singer or songwriter or both. I wanted to travel the world and make a difference in the world with whatever money I earned. I wanted to be thought of as kind and giving while never having to work a day of my life because my work would be my passion. The idea seemed so easy, but the actually becoming such things is not and when you're a lost soul - your direction is so hard to find. It's not easy staying on track when you can't even find where your track is. Some people are lucky - they have that drive and motivation from the start - they just go for it - they want it that bad. Some people want it, but what really helps them succeed is someone in their life helping plot out every move. I didn't have either of these things. I lack motivation and I didn't have anyone to push me or open my horizons to how to go about it. It's really easy to see and point out why I have failed. 

Still, I don't think that I'm intended to be a "Failure" at this passion place. Where words mold my life into what I've always dreamed. I feel that since I'm "32" it's just a given in this society that I can't make it now. I'm washed up, I'm too old, it's over, just let it go. How sad is that? Why do we let age and circumstance define our destiny? Why is it so important to be young and youthful in our world? The youth have no experience and news flash - the youth become old just like all the rest of us. Who is to say that those who take a lot longer to find themselves cannot pave a path to their dreams later in life? Well, I'm to say - I'm the one who hears these things and believe them. I'm the one who lets others' doubts fill my head. People can talk, talk, talk and we must start taking responsibility for what we listen to. What we let mold and make us is up to us. The shape of who we are cannot be changed by anyone unless we let them affect us. 

People are brutal. People are beautiful. What we need to decipher is what people will we allow in to our worlds? True that sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes the people we love the most and cherish the most - always building them up and doing whatever we can for them - sometimes those people hurt us the most. "Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, you can't squeeze them back into the tube." It's so true. Once you snip someone's character apart or you put them down - no matter if you think you're kidding or not - the pain has been rendered. To use words in a negative way takes so much energy - to say something nice is what comes naturally to the brain. Why go out of your way to hurt someone? This life is full of enough "no"s, setbacks, and day to day disappointments - there is no need to add more strife to anyone's life - especially someone you love. What I love to see is the beauty in people - holding the door open, calling for no reason but to tell someone I LOVE YOU, or a hug when you know someone needs one. People are beautiful, but underneath they may be in pain, so why not tell them you love them or how amazing they are instead of telling them about flaws they are well aware of, or criticizing something they've done just because it isn't done your way? 

I'm very fragile and I break far more than anyone I know. I take everything to heart and I really fall far when I fall. Right now I'm all over the map in my discussion, but that's where I am right now in life. I am all over the map. I can't tell down from up and the sense of "I'm right where I should be," is fleeting. I feel that I am constantly planning and creating and connecting - trying to get everyone together and keep in the mix with as much as possible while still being a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister and a human. I feel that I have let some major parts of myself go for others and I'm starting to resent it. I've never been a selfish person. If you ask me to be there for you or if I feel I'm needed somewhere - I am there and with a smile and my heart in it. I'm happiest to give of myself, but as many have seen, I'm not me anymore. I've given all of me away and I need to start putting myself back together. 

It's often said that you cannot be a true asset to anyone else unless you are a whole person. My fragments are here and there and everywhere. Life is confusing at times - sometimes you think you've got it all figured out - only to find "Whoa.. there's something not write about this picture." It's a little crooked. I'm a little misplaced at the moment. People I've admired and felt a connection to have left this world and I haven't been very open to deal with it - I've grown a bit numb. People who I have looked up to and always respected have let me down - I've grown a bit cold and disconcerted. I don't know what to say or how to act when usually I would just be a babbling brook of hurt and emotion. To talk it out or write it out and get it out in the open and resolved, I've become out of touch with my center, my roots. I've got much grooming to do in the garden of my life - some weeds and horrible rodents have snuck in to take my joy... It's time that I get in there and do the work. I'm not a lazy person until it comes to working on me. The hardest thing for me to do is focus on myself for fear of self centered-ness... but if I don't re-adjust my focus, what life will I really have?...