I have issues, I have struggles - no more and no less than
everybody else's, but this past
year I finally realized that I have completely tuned out my inner voice and
replaced it with so many other voices that weren't serving me, but continuously
breaking me down. I see that I have allowed this to go on for years and
years and years... When all you hear in your mind is negativity, it's hard to
give love to yourself or to see yourself in a positive light. It gets dark in
that space and every single decision is scrutinized by nobody and yet everybody
whom your mind wants you to believe would have something negative to say about
your choices. It's all in the mind; some of it is valid and true, but most of
these voices are projections on what you feel about yourself. Your mind gives
them the voice of someone who has been vocal in scrutinizing you in the past,
but the present dialogue is
not even real.
How do you get out of a negative mind? The first step is to be honest
about it. "The truth shall set you free" - The Bible, John 8:32.
(Side note: I never knew that came out of The Bible, did you?) The truth is
tricky though. Your truth is valid, but another person who lived some of the
same life events as you, but has a different truth is also valid. There is no
RIGHT. RIGHT = EGO. EGO has no place in a kind life. As soon as you feel
superior or need to be right at all costs, you are not living a kind life. Your
narcissism has taken hold and there will be no outcome where you are able to be
truly compassionate, empathetic or selfless. Still, what you know to be the
truth for you is valid, but that's where you must let it end. You don't need to
be right or make everyone believe your truth. Everyone has the right to
their own truth. Just because it doesn't mirror your truth doesn't make it a
lie. We all have our perspectives and everything we bring to the table based on
our experiences. IT IS ALL VALID!
Offering up your truth isn't always easy, but you should share how you
feel and why you're feeling the way you feel, when you feel it. Masking it or
sweeping pains under the rug only cause horrible cycles of more self-loathing.
You may think you're protecting yourself or you're keeping the peace, yet in
actuality, you're not authentic and your pain will bubble up to the surface at
some point. There is no way around that. So, when you feel something, don't
"walk on eggshells," or "sweep it under the rug," tell the
person who needs to know, but for heaven's sake BE KIND about it. When you
scream or yell or voice opinion, attaching labels to a person or calling them
this or that, it does no good AT ALL. We all deserve respect, no matter if your
truth isn't aligning with that person's truth. There are ways to be KIND about
EVERY SINGLE THING in this world! Meanness NEVER is the answer. TOUGH LOVE is
something made up by those who need an excuse to be cruel. EVERYTHING CAN BE
DONE IN LOVE AND KINDNESS - EVERYTHING. No excuses.
My year has held some deep wounds. Some wounds that I didn't even realize
(till recently) are living so deeply within me. January 2017 was where it began
to get really hard for me mentally and emotionally. This was when someone I
loved and admired very much, took their own life. For them to feel that alone
just hurt so badly and I haven't been able to really get over that, but I don't
think I ever will or that I'm supposed to. It is awful, but on the flip side
of the coin, it is an important lesson to learn that you don't know anything by
looking at a person's surface. You can see a sunny exterior and a heart full of
gold on the outside, but that doesn't mean ANYTHING. The rest of this year has
held many reminders of this man and a realization that he has touched my life and
so many, many more lives forever. How we take people for granted... At parties,
at holidays, at anything including him - he was the man. He was the guy
attending to everyone as well as cracking jokes and making each and every
person feel the love. He's so missed. Nothing will ever be the same
again.
This year also held some very serious fears and anxiety for me. From
April through August, I would wake up quickly out of a dead sleep with panic
and just start crying at the realization that eventually all the people I know,
all the places and things that I love, everything will be gone someday. I would be
sweating or couldn't breathe at the thought of death at 3am and Paul would hug
me and rock me and tell me it was okay. He’d tell me to breathe and then I’d
cry myself to sleep and be okay. It’s a crazy fear to have since we have no choice
in the matter. It’s not like the fear of jumping out of an airplane where you
can just choose not to get on the airplane or choose not to hurl yourself into the sky. When
it comes to death, it’s inevitable. I feel a little bit
out of the woods with that fear (though it’s reoccurred in my life since I was
4 or 5 years old), but now I have anxiety to deal with.
My anxiety is usually fueled by feeling stuck. So, when I’m in a meeting
where the doors are closed or even if the doors are open, but I’m seated so far
into the room that I feel stuck, I have a “fight or flight” response. After
about 10 minutes, I feel like I just need to get out of there. Of course, I’m
not going to "fight" anyone, but my brain screams "DANGER. DANGER. DANGER." I feel
like I’m in a life or death situation and it’s only a training or a meeting. I
don’t feel anxiety for the normal reasons at all. I’m not ill prepared nor do I
fear being called on to speak to the group. I actually prefer to talk in these
situations. Only I need to talk through the whole situation. When I’m talking,
my brain doesn’t have a chance to freak out. I’m engaged, and I feel okay.
Unfortunately, the moment that someone else takes the conversation, I tense up,
I get clammy hands and my brain tells me to “GET OUT!” This happens sometimes
in casual situations as well. Standing in a coworker’s office or having someone
stop me in the hallway. If I feel that I am stuck in any slight way, I can
panic.
Sometimes though, I am completely fine. Sitting with the department head
in an impromptu meeting in her closed office, I had no feelings of fleeing. I
was talking about 65% of the time, but just being in that room alone would
normally shake me and I was okay. I was explaining my anxiety to her and so
perhaps talking about the anxiety helps calm the anxiety? Who knows. I
explained that my anxiety is not about my doubt in my job performance or my
fear of public speaking, but that it is irrational. 100% irrational. It is
about the way the room or environment makes me feel. I can’t control it, but
I’m learning techniques to help deal with it. Breathing, meditating and being
true to myself are all things that are key to my well-being. Also,
stress is a huge factor.
I decided to take a demotion from my Supervisor position to return to my Administrative Assistant status. Since it has been officially announced, a big weight has already been lifted off my shoulders. I think it was a wise
choice to step back and free up some of my mind to be able to focus on my
health and well-being. Personnel issues = people issues, and this girl just
can't turn off the caring switch. I was taking everything home with me.
Hopefully now, I can just go to work and come home and focus on getting well. Time
will tell... Many people were shocked, and I heard things like: "You're
gonna give up all that extra money?" or "You worked so hard to get
that title." or "Just try and push through it." They all
mean well, and I so appreciate their vote of confidence in me. It is so sweet,
but nothing is worth my well-being and I'm finally learning how to listen to my
inner voice. Yes, the inner voice that has been trying to be heard through all
the lies my mind was feeding me. I hear you! I am listening!
I'm all over the place here, (as per usual) but I'll wrap up here and
hopefully get my few points across. The first being, enjoy each moment.
Don’t let a year go by with your focus set on the next year instead of enjoying
your present year. Take time to write, self-assess and come to terms with who
you are in each phase of your life. The second point, own who
you are in each phase of your life, value it and don’t let it go no matter what
is said, thought or shown by other people. Every bit of you is valid. Every bit
of everyone else is valid. The third point is BE KIND!
If someone strays from the path of which you think it is right, it is NOT your
job to judge them, but it is your job to allow them validity. And if there’s
something that really goes against your grain, you can engage in conversation,
but let that conversation be a flow of communication back and forth. Hear them
if you expect to be heard. Always choose kindness... Words are very powerful
weapons and though we have the choice of what loop we play over and over in our
head, sometimes we don't realize we've allowed our mind to sneak another person's record under the
needle. Lead with kindness, know you’re valid and that everyone is valid and
stop the cycle of negative projections in your mind. You are the narrator, keep
hold of your story…
