Paislie Girl

The defeating feeling I have right now is consuming my every moment. The 6 months - give or take - of fighting for this little's one's life is over. And not in the triumphant way, where we can say "we did it!" Unfortunately, even with immense progress and hopeful tests and great vitals, one evening took this light away from us. All the torturous medicine doses and all the ER visits, CT Scans, etc. couldn't save our Miss Paislie. This little girl that just 7 years ago, came into our lives when we had a Dobbie shaped sized hole in our hearts. 

She wasn't fast friendly and it took a couple of months to get her to warm up to us when we first got her, but ever since this sweet day (depicted above) when she kissed my face... the joy she's brought us hasn't stopped. And I don't think it'll ever go away even though she did. It's hard to put into words the intense love I have for her and I know that to some people, she's just a cat and it's obvious that saying goodbye will have to happen eventually, but she was more than a cat to me. She was my saving grace through a string of years that had she not been with me, I don't know that I could have gotten through. I sincerely don't know if I would be here had I never met her. She made me strong and I can actually say that even though I'm a pile of crumbs on the floor right now, I don't want to not exist like I have so many times in the last 5 years. She gave me that. 

What about Paul? Yes, I am lucky enough to have a man in my life that is my rock and his hand holding saved me too. The love of a person is amazing and I'm so grateful to my Mister for walking that hard line with me more than a few times. All the helping me breathe and showing me love when I didn't really even love myself. When I didn't want to be here anymore because the world had gotten so dark and so scary. To say that Paislie saved me should never discredit the support I had from my guy or anyone in my tight circle, but it's just different. And, Paul would be the first one to agree. Paislie's love and light and strength and joy and cattitude were life rafts during some of the most tumultuous seas of life! That's why it's so hard right now because losing her is the hardship I'm going through and I have no usual life raft. Somehow though, she changed me and made me strong enough to deal with even the loss of her. It's a transformative, magical, life changing love that she's instilled. 

Truth be told, it only took 9 days between Dobbie (my sweet 16 year old boy, orange tabby, whom I got to love from kitten to a full grown cat) passing away and us heading to the pound to find some feline to fill that hole. We went in wanting to name whomever we found, "Paislie." (Note: I like to spell names with as many "I"s as possible because then you can put more hearts as dots over the "I"s. My Mom always did that for my name: Jennie and it's so sentimental) As we walked around the pound, we came upon a girl named "Paisley," but she was sick and had a voucher for a vet appointment she would need soon after we take her home. We had just gotten through taking care of Dobbie and more vet appointments seemed too much. We passed her by and saw many other cuties, but the fact that her name was "Paisley" gnawed at us. Dobbie must have heard what we wanted to name our next cat and made the stars align for us to bring her home, knowing how empathetic she would eventually be. I truly believe that was no accident. What are the odds? Paisley? 

The rest is history as they say. She helped us find comfort through the scary days of Covid. She was there with me on a traumatic day in 2021 when my neighbor had a shootout with police. She and I were stuck inside our closet on lockdown for over an hour as we heard loud gunfire and approaching footsteps. Two people lost their lives that day and my safety bubble was popped. Paislie was there by my side, the whole time. Later, that same year, my traumas would double when an intoxicated driver drove off the road and into my parked car that I was sitting in. Car was totaled, along with all my sense of calm. The shooting and the car accident only happened 3 months apart and my brain kind of broke. Don't know how else to explain it. I had to go to intense therapy, I couldn't drive, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing gunshots and between all that was 4th of July and so the fireworks didn't help. The only thing that helped me was Reiki. One session and I made a bee line for In & Out and I slept like a baby that night. Paislie couldn't fix everything, but she was a constant source of light. A place to get a calming hug. 

To try and combat some of my paranoia, we moved from the city to the country. It was an undertaking and My Mister was amazingly steadfast and just got it done. Looking back, I am still in awe of how he just did what needed to be done to get us in a better spot. Always looking out for us. Our family of 3 enjoyed the quieter scenery. Unfortunately, gunshots were something that came calling as I learned we were near ranches and farms where sometimes they use air guns or real ones to get predatory animals to go away and that was hard, but again: 

Paislie was there for me when I was crying on the bathroom floor!

She has ALWAYS been there for me. 

That's why it was so EASY to be there for her through all of her struggles this passed year. It was a no brainer that we would help her get well. 

She was diagnosed with 2 lesions - one in her lung and one on her brain. They were due to fungus that could be from bird feces or rotting wood. Basically it was a kind of valley fever that is very rare, but can happen. We gave Paislie so many outlets to go outside in a controlled fashion and so anything could have gotten to the sweet girl. It's just one of those things that you cannot predict. Because of the lesion on her brain, seizures began happening and for almost 9 months, we were on a rollercoaster of her getting better then getting worse. Other drama occurred within those months, but it's not even worth getting into. A misdiagnosis happened and I'll leave it at that. There's no way to know what made this last seizure, so violent and the final one she'd ever have to endure. On June 22nd in the wee hour of 2am, we had to let her go. 

There are no words, no comfort, no soft place for us to land. Our home was fully set up for her. This is Paislie's Palace and without her, it's been very difficult. I know it's only 3 days ago that we said GOODBYE, but I just don't see how I'll ever get over this. How we'll ever get over this. The buckets and buckets of tears we've both shed as well as screaming at the universe "WHY?!?!?!" in anger surpasses any grief I've ever endured. 

She would have been 9 years old come August. Too young to leave and up until her final moments, so much life within. She was almost fully back to herself. Purring, playing, eating, mooching, etc. She was Paislie girl, our favorite girl. 

We couldn't stay at home the morning after she passed. Barely slept and the house was just so very empty and seemed to illuminate all her spots and things. We decided to go to the beach and on our drive, we pulled up behind a car with this license plate frame: 

We couldn't believe it. It was like a sign. An orange tabby with a black and white American shorthair, could only mean one thing... Dobbie is with our girl Paislie. They are together in heaven and he'll show her the ropes. This kind of license plate frame is not something I or Paul has ever seen. No words, nothing else but these two little cuties. It was a moment that saw a good share of crying. 

I am so grateful that we're very open to signs from the universe. Every time we've lost a fur friend, we see something of comfort. And this time, I feel more self aware and present than at any other time in my life and so I need even more comfort. This hurts because I'm in the moment and I'm embracing the feelings, not running from them. So, when I had to go onto Chewy to see about returning medicine and food that Paislie girl will no longer need, I couldn't believe the picture: 

My nickname is Silly Goose and my Mister's is Mister Moose. I was so surprised to see a goose with a cat and a heart on the page. That is so random. What are the odds there? Heaven sent for sure! 

Three others have happened that we couldn't document, Paul had a ladybug in his face on our first walk without our girl. It was persistent and ladybugs aren't really something we see around these parts! Also, at breakfast I felt a rub against my leg under the table and no one was there to do it. It was something Paislie had done the last few weeks after I'd give her meds. She was like, "I forgive you Mama." It was a grueling process. Also something got knocked down in the bathroom that NEVER falls down. She used to jump up there and so I think she did again. Maybe it's coincidental, but if it brings peace, what's the harm? 

True peace will take some time. Pawprints on your heart last forever. 

Until we meet again sweet girl... I will be eternally grateful you were a part of our world! Miss Whisk, you'll always be missed!