Menagerie of Emotion

           A menagerie of emotion, a spectacle of contradiction, and a kaleidoscope of creativity. I'm a source of great confusion lately. Each day I wake up with something different filling my head and spirit.  Today I feel a sense of purpose and security. I've been lacking those two things for more than 3 weeks now - where have they been? I fell into a dark and ugly negative pool of hopelessness which created a world of answer-less questions. All my "why?"s kept me searching and never finding which left me feeling empty. I hate feeling empty when I've always felt so full of words and light and love. Empty is way too bitter and cold for this gal. I need substance and deep seeded roots filling me at all times to feel sane and my empty vessel left me worried. 

         About 2 years ago or was it 3? I don't know exactly, but a while back I battled horrible depression - like the give me a shrink and get me some pills kind of depression. Everything ate at me and I hated everything. Nothing anyone could say was right and I was horribly unapproachable and unhappy. Well this weekend I felt a slight tinge of what I felt back then. I was thinking... "uh,oh - am I headed down that road again?"  Luckily, all I really needed was a few nights of deep sleep and a few kicks in the ass while I looked into the mirror. Mind you - this depression stuff isn't really a feeling sorry for myself kind of thing. It's a sadness like no sadness I've ever known and for no reason. I've got nothing to be horribly sad about - not anymore - so this sadness stems from nothing in my direct world. This sadness is tied to everything and everyone else. It's so strange, but I can just look down a busy street and find things that just break my heart and then I link it to family I miss or bonds that have been broken and it hits home. Makes very little sense and I'm realizing it doesn't have to. I just need to figure out how to get out of this space... 

           So, today I woke up too late, dilly dallied too long and had to run around like a mad woman to get out the door for work. I was five minutes late which hurts my pride, but it didn't matter to anyone else. I sat down at my desk and I had purpose and I had drive to get work done and get life moving. It felt so amazing and I realize that - what's really lacking is substance to all the moments I'm not at this desk. I have a zillion million projects and goals and things I want to get done and I have so much time in which to do them and see them through and yet I don't. What's up with that? (I hear Keenan Thompson's SNL character singing "What's up with that? What's up with that?" LOL) Why am I constantly letting good ideas and great works go unfinished, go unheard, go undone? I'm not a lazy person and yet when it comes to the projects that literally give me goosebumps while working on them - I can't push myself to do them often enough.

          Life can be so confusing at times. You can hold everything you need in the palm of your hand and still the puzzle pieces don't fit. I always seem to be lacking something which I desperately need to move forward in my life. No amount of writing it out, talking it out or crying it out works. Somewhere down the line it rages up and takes over my stride. I guess that's just how life is sometimes - it's not perfect. I don't expect perfection being a free spirit, but I guess there is a flexible mold of what I want life to look like and when it doesn't shift and change into that space, it's frustrating. I just want to be a person who isn't so full of fear, guilt, doubt or angst - that she can't see her greatest goals through. Everyone always asks me if I'm needing some kind of recognition or if I'm looking to be famous. Truthfully I am not. I don't need attention of admirers - all I want is to be passionate about my inner currants of inspiration. To share my treasures of the mind and visual creations is always a plus, but I have about a hundred little projects that no one has ever seen and they've fulfilled me for many hours. It's not about the recognition... 

       Even as I type I hear a voice saying, "you want attention... you're writing to the world again." It's not like that. I'm writing to share, to vent, and to hopefully help someone else. I feel the best way to help is to be honest in your truth - whether it be light, dark or treacherous. We are human and the most isolating thing is to not feel understood or that anyone else knows how you feel. If you can reach someone who feels as down in the dumps as you or who feels hopeless and alone - you've made something out of your dark space. How awful for us to go through these painful periods of growth and unknowing days without it meaning something. It does mean something - it means we care enough about our future to contemplate it, to change it, to create a plan, and to just get through this blanket of shadows. 

       We are all equal, but so very different. Just because I'm gloomy today doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be a bucket full of sunshine. Our changing moods and seasons teach us to grow and teach us that nothing is forever. Some may find that daunting, but I find it hopeful. We don't have to stay in the same house forever. We don't have to keep the same job forever. We don't even have to look the same forever - we have options. We are choosing what we do and how we live - every single second of our lives. I think that's why I loved those "Pick Where the Story Goes" books from my adolescent days - I felt in control of the outcome. We have control of our destiny - life just throws in curve balls every now and then to keep it all interesting. Still, we have more control then we take credit for. We are the keepers of our happiness, our heart, our body, our soul... We must take care of it - no one else will. This world is cruel, if you succumb to it. This world is beautiful if you focus on the beauty instead of mean words and hurtful actions. 

          I wish that I lived on the surface 

          Never deep enough to have a purpose 

          Where nothing ever got to me 

          Resembling more of a puddle than the sea 

          I could brush off every hurtful word 

          I could act as if I never heard 

          I would have no desires or regrets 

          To claim I'd never cry - that'd be a safe bet 

          I wish that I held myself more confidently 

          Never responsible, in a state of "accidentally" 

          Where nothing ever amounts to much

          Where it's not my fault we don't stay in touch

           I could peg the blame on others 

           I could unfriend those who blew my covers

           I would always be in the right 

           To have no doubts as I lay down to bed at night 

           How much better life would be 

           If I wasn't sensitive, little 'ol me 

           If I mirrored some of the people I struggle with

           If I had a major personality shift 

           Would it be just fine not to care?

           Would I be alright not being there?

           I doubt that I'd fair as well 

           I doubt that I could stop the urge to dwell

           I was designed to care a little too much 

           To add meaning where it ain't and feel touched 

           It doesn't make life easy for me 

           But what's the fun in easy? 

          

         

   

Numb

The days where I could write and write and write about my thoughts and feelings for hours have seem to dissipate. The spark of creativity has been replaced with brutal reality. It's as if someone took spray paint to my mural. Like my historical structure has been knocked down to make way for progress. It is like my epic novel was saved on a computer that had a hard drive failure and everything was lost. It's an awful feeling really - to be devoid of words when all you've ever done was spew them out. When all you ever had to do was look at a cloud or passer-by and instantly you'd be inspired to write a 2 page poem detailing your vision and perception. 

Life has gotten bleak. An empty string of days - every one the same as the next - nothing igniting passion or cause. I'm an office gal. I come in, I put out fires, process payroll and go home. Next day I come in, I put out fires, send out Accounts Receivable notices and go home. Granted, I enjoy the work and I feel that I matter, but it's losing its fulfillment. It's never what I wanted to do with my life. Then, I start to think about how so many of us go to work day in and day out without the beast in our belly. Without fire, without something that really ignites us. Yes, my job will add experience to my resume and money to my bank account. And yes, I feel good when I've put in my day - I feel like I accomplished something, but it's not what I am meant to do. 

So what are we meant to do? I'm 32 years old and when I was 20 I thought I wanted to be a famous singer or songwriter or both. I wanted to travel the world and make a difference in the world with whatever money I earned. I wanted to be thought of as kind and giving while never having to work a day of my life because my work would be my passion. The idea seemed so easy, but the actually becoming such things is not and when you're a lost soul - your direction is so hard to find. It's not easy staying on track when you can't even find where your track is. Some people are lucky - they have that drive and motivation from the start - they just go for it - they want it that bad. Some people want it, but what really helps them succeed is someone in their life helping plot out every move. I didn't have either of these things. I lack motivation and I didn't have anyone to push me or open my horizons to how to go about it. It's really easy to see and point out why I have failed. 

Still, I don't think that I'm intended to be a "Failure" at this passion place. Where words mold my life into what I've always dreamed. I feel that since I'm "32" it's just a given in this society that I can't make it now. I'm washed up, I'm too old, it's over, just let it go. How sad is that? Why do we let age and circumstance define our destiny? Why is it so important to be young and youthful in our world? The youth have no experience and news flash - the youth become old just like all the rest of us. Who is to say that those who take a lot longer to find themselves cannot pave a path to their dreams later in life? Well, I'm to say - I'm the one who hears these things and believe them. I'm the one who lets others' doubts fill my head. People can talk, talk, talk and we must start taking responsibility for what we listen to. What we let mold and make us is up to us. The shape of who we are cannot be changed by anyone unless we let them affect us. 

People are brutal. People are beautiful. What we need to decipher is what people will we allow in to our worlds? True that sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes the people we love the most and cherish the most - always building them up and doing whatever we can for them - sometimes those people hurt us the most. "Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, you can't squeeze them back into the tube." It's so true. Once you snip someone's character apart or you put them down - no matter if you think you're kidding or not - the pain has been rendered. To use words in a negative way takes so much energy - to say something nice is what comes naturally to the brain. Why go out of your way to hurt someone? This life is full of enough "no"s, setbacks, and day to day disappointments - there is no need to add more strife to anyone's life - especially someone you love. What I love to see is the beauty in people - holding the door open, calling for no reason but to tell someone I LOVE YOU, or a hug when you know someone needs one. People are beautiful, but underneath they may be in pain, so why not tell them you love them or how amazing they are instead of telling them about flaws they are well aware of, or criticizing something they've done just because it isn't done your way? 

I'm very fragile and I break far more than anyone I know. I take everything to heart and I really fall far when I fall. Right now I'm all over the map in my discussion, but that's where I am right now in life. I am all over the map. I can't tell down from up and the sense of "I'm right where I should be," is fleeting. I feel that I am constantly planning and creating and connecting - trying to get everyone together and keep in the mix with as much as possible while still being a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister and a human. I feel that I have let some major parts of myself go for others and I'm starting to resent it. I've never been a selfish person. If you ask me to be there for you or if I feel I'm needed somewhere - I am there and with a smile and my heart in it. I'm happiest to give of myself, but as many have seen, I'm not me anymore. I've given all of me away and I need to start putting myself back together. 

It's often said that you cannot be a true asset to anyone else unless you are a whole person. My fragments are here and there and everywhere. Life is confusing at times - sometimes you think you've got it all figured out - only to find "Whoa.. there's something not write about this picture." It's a little crooked. I'm a little misplaced at the moment. People I've admired and felt a connection to have left this world and I haven't been very open to deal with it - I've grown a bit numb. People who I have looked up to and always respected have let me down - I've grown a bit cold and disconcerted. I don't know what to say or how to act when usually I would just be a babbling brook of hurt and emotion. To talk it out or write it out and get it out in the open and resolved, I've become out of touch with my center, my roots. I've got much grooming to do in the garden of my life - some weeds and horrible rodents have snuck in to take my joy... It's time that I get in there and do the work. I'm not a lazy person until it comes to working on me. The hardest thing for me to do is focus on myself for fear of self centered-ness... but if I don't re-adjust my focus, what life will I really have?... 

The Stress of Tradition

A pay day loan provider, "Think Finance" did a recent study and found that 45-percent of Americans would just as soon skip Christmas because of the financial stress. This, of course, got me thinking... Why do we do it?

While driving in town this morning I noticed that all the Christmas lights are being hung, Santa's Workshop has already been installed at Mission Plaza, all the store windows have been decorated or painted with some kind of Holiday motif and I looked to my phone to confirm the date and YES - it IS only November 20th. There is a whole month and 5 days until Christmas and yet the town is painted red. Everyone's geared up for Black Friday and all the cheap deals it has to offer. Sadly, some stores are opening on Thursday night to beat their competitors out of sales. So on Thanksgiving, after having eaten coma inducing turkey; Walmart, Kmart and Target employees have to get over to the department store by 7pm to start setting up for a frenzy of cheap people who will do anything for a discounted television. Just more proof of how horrible our economy is. We will do anything for a bargain. 

As I looked to all these shops and how sparkly San Luis Obispo is becoming, I didn't feel the spark - not even a little bit. I didn't feel that warm, "oooooh it's the holiday season" feeling. I'm so not there. I'm not ready for this whirlwind that drains my bank account and depletes my emotions as I think of childhood Christmases and simpler days. Days at work where people have to have us come "before the holidays" and yet they call to make an appointment the week of. Christmas cards, stuffing your face, driving all over just to be at everyone's Christmas so nobody's feelings get hurt. It's alot. I'm so not ready for this time of year. 

So, 45 percent of America would rather skip Christmas and yet that same 45 percent will be lined up this Friday outside of department stores everywhere. I even saw on the news that there are people camped out NOW. Is a TV or a camera or whatever you're getting really worth it? To sacrifice your whole week? I don't understand it and I'm probably one of the most cheap people I know. Stuff is just stuff to me. I appreciate all I have, but I don't need the latest and greatest ANYTHING. 

 With so many people saying they'd rather skip Christmas - then why do we do it to ourselves? Why must we buy so much? Why must we break our backs to see everyone on one day? The logic is definitely lacking. I know each year our families say we're going to have a low key Christmas - meaning we're not going to spend much on each other and keep it simple. But, by the time it all rolls around we've been hooked. We get lured into all the sales and all the feelings that we have to have something nice for each other to open. Where once a tree only stood, now a zillion gifts are strewn around it and you think to yourself - I hope I got "insert name here," enough for Christmas. 

It's the thought that counts, but more than any of that - it's the time that matters. Seeing everyone and being together is the whole point of these holidays and yet that's what is highlighted the least. I treasure Noche Buena with my extended Cuban family. Just to see them and hear how their year was. Since I live so far away I rarely see them and luckily we just pick up like it was yesterday and laugh and joke and hug. Those are the best moments. Love Christmas morning. Especially, if someone got my Pops a CD of some sort because it goes directly in the player and he's dancing and loving life. Best memories. When the pups get their toys unwrapped and within 10 minutes they have pulverised the gingerbread squeaker and all you see is his gum drop button hanging by a thread. Love our 2nd Christmas when we take 3 hours just to unwrap all the stocking stuffers Mom wrapped. Or when we dance around like Irish Men to Flogging Mollies in the living room. Seeing what amazing crocheted masterpiece Gma has made for someone this year... Moments. That's what keeps me warm during the holidays. Precious, once in a lifetime moments. 

It is a catch 22. In order to see everyone, you must travel all over the place in 2 days flat. You must be thoughtful and find gifts for each person on your list. You must find a way to fill your heart with Christmas cheer and eventually it just happens. You were just sitting at your computer venting about how stressed you were about the holidays and then all of a sudden you are wearing a reindeer sweater, sipping hot cocoa decorating your tree. As you put the star on the tippy top you most likely will be in the spirit and say, "How I love Christmas." That's just the way it goes...  

Relationships of the Romantic Variety

I recently rented the film - "Take This Waltz" - which was a human drama about marriage, love, and the tests of a relationship. Michelle Williams played Margot, a wife for over 5 years to Seth Rogen's character Lou. Margot became bored in her relationship with her husband - mostly in the sexual department and she was tempted by another man who lived near by. Margot never acted on her feelings of lust with this other man while married to Lou. She would always talk to Lou about what was lacking in their relationship, but Lou never changed. Eventually Margot leaves Lou to be with this other man. The sequence that followed was sheer genius though a little risque. They showed the excitement of Margo and this new man's relationship - how it starts so passionately and so touchy feely. Then throughout this 2 minute sequence it showed how eventually the "can't keep your hands off each other"phase dies out. The way she felt with Lou after 5 years is the way she felt with new guy after that same amount of time. The new always gets old.

So, why is everyone always looking for that feeling? You hear it all the time - the passion was gone so we called it quits. Desire can falter, but if you have a good foundation, a friendship, a fun relationship that you can't imagine ever living without - isn't that a different form of passion? Perhaps I'm naive, but I think you have to keep the spark ignited. Life gets complicated, time passes and people change. Still, if you see the good in this person you've chosen instead of finding all their flaws, I believe you can get through any roadblock or disagreement. As humans, we sometimes lose sight that we've chosen this person to be in our lives. We invited them into our hearts because we saw something special in them. That foundation should be enough to re-build, if need be, somewhere down the line.

Everywhere I turn I see divorce or break ups and it's really trying on my view of marriage. Vows - they are a BIG deal. They mean something deep and profound. The promise of your love forever. So it's really important never to enter that stage of life lightly. You've got to be all in and certain. It's hard for me, coming from a Divorced family to see an outcome that can be any different than that. I know it's a foolish way to think because we each have the power to do different than those who have gone before us, but irrational fear gets the best of me at times. Fear is a constant in my life, but that's a whole other blog.

So, when I explain all this to my closest friends, their immediate response is that I must not be in love or that I haven't found my perfect person yet. Well, that just isn't so. I'm in love and happy as can be. When I say that to people, the next question is, "So then why aren't you gonna get married?" I'm not ready. Plain as that and that doesn't mean I don't love my Mister with all my heart. It doesn't mean I want to stay unattached to see what else is out there - I seriously don't even look at other men. All that it means is I haven't seen marriage to be a fit for my life... yet.

Back to divorce and relationships - I have a hard time believing that some have tried enough to save their marriage. Now, I'm not being judgmental, honestly I know that some people just REALLY shouldn't be together. I get that. I also know that when someone cheats on another, that's really hard to recover from. There are many exceptions to the rule, I'm mindful of that. I just feel in certain relationships, people leave for the wrong reasons. Especially if there are children involved, you should really try to see the positive in that person instead of all the negative you're running from. Luckily, I can see that in the case of my Mom and Dad - they tried... I mean they really really tried to make it work and it just wasn't in the cards. I can commend them for that. It's still hard on the kids after all these years because we're all fragmented. My Brother and Papi are always together and My Mom and I are always together. Because of our common interests, that's just the way it is. Thankfully my Brother and I are very close and can keep a balance in our lives. Being adults and seeing the big picture more fully now we have healed and appreciate each parent for all they've given us. It's funny though, in a lot of ways my parents' personalities presently parallel each other. They are into a lot more of the same things then they were back in the day, but had it not been for their divorce and what followed, they wouldn't be who they are now. So it's one of those catch 22 thingys. They just weren't meant to be and that's easier to accept when you get older. Especially when I see how long it's taken me to become a whole person. I'm 32 and when my Dad was 32 he'd been married for 5 years and had a 4 year old daughter. When my Mom was 32 she'd been married for 12 years and had a 11 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. That puts a lot in perspective. I'm finally ready for some adulthood - can't imagine ever being ready at their young age. You haven't even become who you're gonna be yet...

In life so many things change your scope of view and it's really all about how you let it all affect you. If your ideals are mounted on high expectations, you will always be disappointed. You will never have enough and you'll constantly be searching. One ideal that I feel gets over used is "You only live once." True, we only get one shot to have a happy life and experience all we can while we're here. I just think that when you're 80% or 90% happy with a few things to iron out - why leave? Growth comes from compromise. Quitting keeps you limited to being the same person again for the next relationship. If you never have to bend to make something work then you're never going to learn or grow.

Obviously, if you are really unhappy... like you've tried and you've grown and you're still going out of your mind... Move on. I'm not saying that every relationship is worth saving... I just think that people's egos keep them from appreciating what they have and selfishness KILLS relationships. When a serious relationship forms, you can no longer only think of yourself and your needs. You are a team and you need to be there for each other. These days it's so casual to be girlfriend/boyfriend. It's no big deal to a lot of people. They'll break up, get back together and break up again with no real reflection on why it didn't work. The worst part is when they talk badly about their Ex to all their friends/family and then 2 weeks later they get back together. It makes everyone wonder if the horrible things they said about him/her were even true and if so, why in the world would they get back together with them? Responsibility for choices - that's really lacking in society these days. It's always everybody else's fault!

In every aspect of life, it's important to be mindful. If you move along merely on how you feel, yes - you will have an exciting life constantly full of change, but very little growth. We must realize there's always enough time to value something and give it new life. If you take an extra couple weeks or even a month to try and save something that was once precious to you - why is that bad? Yes we have one life and the clock is ticking, but do you want a pocket full of rocks or diamonds? If you polish something, it may shine... and if it doesn't - hey at least you can say you TRIED!