Relationships of the Romantic Variety

I recently rented the film - "Take This Waltz" - which was a human drama about marriage, love, and the tests of a relationship. Michelle Williams played Margot, a wife for over 5 years to Seth Rogen's character Lou. Margot became bored in her relationship with her husband - mostly in the sexual department and she was tempted by another man who lived near by. Margot never acted on her feelings of lust with this other man while married to Lou. She would always talk to Lou about what was lacking in their relationship, but Lou never changed. Eventually Margot leaves Lou to be with this other man. The sequence that followed was sheer genius though a little risque. They showed the excitement of Margo and this new man's relationship - how it starts so passionately and so touchy feely. Then throughout this 2 minute sequence it showed how eventually the "can't keep your hands off each other"phase dies out. The way she felt with Lou after 5 years is the way she felt with new guy after that same amount of time. The new always gets old.

So, why is everyone always looking for that feeling? You hear it all the time - the passion was gone so we called it quits. Desire can falter, but if you have a good foundation, a friendship, a fun relationship that you can't imagine ever living without - isn't that a different form of passion? Perhaps I'm naive, but I think you have to keep the spark ignited. Life gets complicated, time passes and people change. Still, if you see the good in this person you've chosen instead of finding all their flaws, I believe you can get through any roadblock or disagreement. As humans, we sometimes lose sight that we've chosen this person to be in our lives. We invited them into our hearts because we saw something special in them. That foundation should be enough to re-build, if need be, somewhere down the line.

Everywhere I turn I see divorce or break ups and it's really trying on my view of marriage. Vows - they are a BIG deal. They mean something deep and profound. The promise of your love forever. So it's really important never to enter that stage of life lightly. You've got to be all in and certain. It's hard for me, coming from a Divorced family to see an outcome that can be any different than that. I know it's a foolish way to think because we each have the power to do different than those who have gone before us, but irrational fear gets the best of me at times. Fear is a constant in my life, but that's a whole other blog.

So, when I explain all this to my closest friends, their immediate response is that I must not be in love or that I haven't found my perfect person yet. Well, that just isn't so. I'm in love and happy as can be. When I say that to people, the next question is, "So then why aren't you gonna get married?" I'm not ready. Plain as that and that doesn't mean I don't love my Mister with all my heart. It doesn't mean I want to stay unattached to see what else is out there - I seriously don't even look at other men. All that it means is I haven't seen marriage to be a fit for my life... yet.

Back to divorce and relationships - I have a hard time believing that some have tried enough to save their marriage. Now, I'm not being judgmental, honestly I know that some people just REALLY shouldn't be together. I get that. I also know that when someone cheats on another, that's really hard to recover from. There are many exceptions to the rule, I'm mindful of that. I just feel in certain relationships, people leave for the wrong reasons. Especially if there are children involved, you should really try to see the positive in that person instead of all the negative you're running from. Luckily, I can see that in the case of my Mom and Dad - they tried... I mean they really really tried to make it work and it just wasn't in the cards. I can commend them for that. It's still hard on the kids after all these years because we're all fragmented. My Brother and Papi are always together and My Mom and I are always together. Because of our common interests, that's just the way it is. Thankfully my Brother and I are very close and can keep a balance in our lives. Being adults and seeing the big picture more fully now we have healed and appreciate each parent for all they've given us. It's funny though, in a lot of ways my parents' personalities presently parallel each other. They are into a lot more of the same things then they were back in the day, but had it not been for their divorce and what followed, they wouldn't be who they are now. So it's one of those catch 22 thingys. They just weren't meant to be and that's easier to accept when you get older. Especially when I see how long it's taken me to become a whole person. I'm 32 and when my Dad was 32 he'd been married for 5 years and had a 4 year old daughter. When my Mom was 32 she'd been married for 12 years and had a 11 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. That puts a lot in perspective. I'm finally ready for some adulthood - can't imagine ever being ready at their young age. You haven't even become who you're gonna be yet...

In life so many things change your scope of view and it's really all about how you let it all affect you. If your ideals are mounted on high expectations, you will always be disappointed. You will never have enough and you'll constantly be searching. One ideal that I feel gets over used is "You only live once." True, we only get one shot to have a happy life and experience all we can while we're here. I just think that when you're 80% or 90% happy with a few things to iron out - why leave? Growth comes from compromise. Quitting keeps you limited to being the same person again for the next relationship. If you never have to bend to make something work then you're never going to learn or grow.

Obviously, if you are really unhappy... like you've tried and you've grown and you're still going out of your mind... Move on. I'm not saying that every relationship is worth saving... I just think that people's egos keep them from appreciating what they have and selfishness KILLS relationships. When a serious relationship forms, you can no longer only think of yourself and your needs. You are a team and you need to be there for each other. These days it's so casual to be girlfriend/boyfriend. It's no big deal to a lot of people. They'll break up, get back together and break up again with no real reflection on why it didn't work. The worst part is when they talk badly about their Ex to all their friends/family and then 2 weeks later they get back together. It makes everyone wonder if the horrible things they said about him/her were even true and if so, why in the world would they get back together with them? Responsibility for choices - that's really lacking in society these days. It's always everybody else's fault!

In every aspect of life, it's important to be mindful. If you move along merely on how you feel, yes - you will have an exciting life constantly full of change, but very little growth. We must realize there's always enough time to value something and give it new life. If you take an extra couple weeks or even a month to try and save something that was once precious to you - why is that bad? Yes we have one life and the clock is ticking, but do you want a pocket full of rocks or diamonds? If you polish something, it may shine... and if it doesn't - hey at least you can say you TRIED!