Paislie Girl

The defeating feeling I have right now is consuming my every moment. The 6 months - give or take - of fighting for this little's one's life is over. And not in the triumphant way, where we can say "we did it!" Unfortunately, even with immense progress and hopeful tests and great vitals, one evening took this light away from us. All the torturous medicine doses and all the ER visits, CT Scans, etc. couldn't save our Miss Paislie. This little girl that just 7 years ago, came into our lives when we had a Dobbie shaped sized hole in our hearts. 

She wasn't fast friendly and it took a couple of months to get her to warm up to us when we first got her, but ever since this sweet day (depicted above) when she kissed my face... the joy she's brought us hasn't stopped. And I don't think it'll ever go away even though she did. It's hard to put into words the intense love I have for her and I know that to some people, she's just a cat and it's obvious that saying goodbye will have to happen eventually, but she was more than a cat to me. She was my saving grace through a string of years that had she not been with me, I don't know that I could have gotten through. I sincerely don't know if I would be here had I never met her. She made me strong and I can actually say that even though I'm a pile of crumbs on the floor right now, I don't want to not exist like I have so many times in the last 5 years. She gave me that. 

What about Paul? Yes, I am lucky enough to have a man in my life that is my rock and his hand holding saved me too. The love of a person is amazing and I'm so grateful to my Mister for walking that hard line with me more than a few times. All the helping me breathe and showing me love when I didn't really even love myself. When I didn't want to be here anymore because the world had gotten so dark and so scary. To say that Paislie saved me should never discredit the support I had from my guy or anyone in my tight circle, but it's just different. And, Paul would be the first one to agree. Paislie's love and light and strength and joy and cattitude were life rafts during some of the most tumultuous seas of life! That's why it's so hard right now because losing her is the hardship I'm going through and I have no usual life raft. Somehow though, she changed me and made me strong enough to deal with even the loss of her. It's a transformative, magical, life changing love that she's instilled. 

Truth be told, it only took 9 days between Dobbie (my sweet 16 year old boy, orange tabby, whom I got to love from kitten to a full grown cat) passing away and us heading to the pound to find some feline to fill that hole. We went in wanting to name whomever we found, "Paislie." (Note: I like to spell names with as many "I"s as possible because then you can put more hearts as dots over the "I"s. My Mom always did that for my name: Jennie and it's so sentimental) As we walked around the pound, we came upon a girl named "Paisley," but she was sick and had a voucher for a vet appointment she would need soon after we take her home. We had just gotten through taking care of Dobbie and more vet appointments seemed too much. We passed her by and saw many other cuties, but the fact that her name was "Paisley" gnawed at us. Dobbie must have heard what we wanted to name our next cat and made the stars align for us to bring her home, knowing how empathetic she would eventually be. I truly believe that was no accident. What are the odds? Paisley? 

The rest is history as they say. She helped us find comfort through the scary days of Covid. She was there with me on a traumatic day in 2021 when my neighbor had a shootout with police. She and I were stuck inside our closet on lockdown for over an hour as we heard loud gunfire and approaching footsteps. Two people lost their lives that day and my safety bubble was popped. Paislie was there by my side, the whole time. Later, that same year, my traumas would double when an intoxicated driver drove off the road and into my parked car that I was sitting in. Car was totaled, along with all my sense of calm. The shooting and the car accident only happened 3 months apart and my brain kind of broke. Don't know how else to explain it. I had to go to intense therapy, I couldn't drive, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing gunshots and between all that was 4th of July and so the fireworks didn't help. The only thing that helped me was Reiki. One session and I made a bee line for In & Out and I slept like a baby that night. Paislie couldn't fix everything, but she was a constant source of light. A place to get a calming hug. 

To try and combat some of my paranoia, we moved from the city to the country. It was an undertaking and My Mister was amazingly steadfast and just got it done. Looking back, I am still in awe of how he just did what needed to be done to get us in a better spot. Always looking out for us. Our family of 3 enjoyed the quieter scenery. Unfortunately, gunshots were something that came calling as I learned we were near ranches and farms where sometimes they use air guns or real ones to get predatory animals to go away and that was hard, but again: 

Paislie was there for me when I was crying on the bathroom floor!

She has ALWAYS been there for me. 

That's why it was so EASY to be there for her through all of her struggles this passed year. It was a no brainer that we would help her get well. 

She was diagnosed with 2 lesions - one in her lung and one on her brain. They were due to fungus that could be from bird feces or rotting wood. Basically it was a kind of valley fever that is very rare, but can happen. We gave Paislie so many outlets to go outside in a controlled fashion and so anything could have gotten to the sweet girl. It's just one of those things that you cannot predict. Because of the lesion on her brain, seizures began happening and for almost 9 months, we were on a rollercoaster of her getting better then getting worse. Other drama occurred within those months, but it's not even worth getting into. A misdiagnosis happened and I'll leave it at that. There's no way to know what made this last seizure, so violent and the final one she'd ever have to endure. On June 22nd in the wee hour of 2am, we had to let her go. 

There are no words, no comfort, no soft place for us to land. Our home was fully set up for her. This is Paislie's Palace and without her, it's been very difficult. I know it's only 3 days ago that we said GOODBYE, but I just don't see how I'll ever get over this. How we'll ever get over this. The buckets and buckets of tears we've both shed as well as screaming at the universe "WHY?!?!?!" in anger surpasses any grief I've ever endured. 

She would have been 9 years old come August. Too young to leave and up until her final moments, so much life within. She was almost fully back to herself. Purring, playing, eating, mooching, etc. She was Paislie girl, our favorite girl. 

We couldn't stay at home the morning after she passed. Barely slept and the house was just so very empty and seemed to illuminate all her spots and things. We decided to go to the beach and on our drive, we pulled up behind a car with this license plate frame: 

We couldn't believe it. It was like a sign. An orange tabby with a black and white American shorthair, could only mean one thing... Dobbie is with our girl Paislie. They are together in heaven and he'll show her the ropes. This kind of license plate frame is not something I or Paul has ever seen. No words, nothing else but these two little cuties. It was a moment that saw a good share of crying. 

I am so grateful that we're very open to signs from the universe. Every time we've lost a fur friend, we see something of comfort. And this time, I feel more self aware and present than at any other time in my life and so I need even more comfort. This hurts because I'm in the moment and I'm embracing the feelings, not running from them. So, when I had to go onto Chewy to see about returning medicine and food that Paislie girl will no longer need, I couldn't believe the picture: 

My nickname is Silly Goose and my Mister's is Mister Moose. I was so surprised to see a goose with a cat and a heart on the page. That is so random. What are the odds there? Heaven sent for sure! 

Three others have happened that we couldn't document, Paul had a ladybug in his face on our first walk without our girl. It was persistent and ladybugs aren't really something we see around these parts! Also, at breakfast I felt a rub against my leg under the table and no one was there to do it. It was something Paislie had done the last few weeks after I'd give her meds. She was like, "I forgive you Mama." It was a grueling process. Also something got knocked down in the bathroom that NEVER falls down. She used to jump up there and so I think she did again. Maybe it's coincidental, but if it brings peace, what's the harm? 

True peace will take some time. Pawprints on your heart last forever. 

Until we meet again sweet girl... I will be eternally grateful you were a part of our world! Miss Whisk, you'll always be missed! 

Baking Control

 

 

         Life has felt out of control for a while now. Since 2020, the unease hasn't fully left my veins. As of late, I've made it a point to be where my feet are (shout out to the incomparable Jason Mraz) and so there's no going back to detail all that the last 5 years have held. What I will say is that life on a grander scale has become so unsettling that to be where my feet are isn't always easy. To watch the news and see the headlines and not dive into the stories is hard. And yet, once you're swimming in the "facts" that you have to double and triple check because you don't know if it's slanted to a political party, you can get exhausted. Coming up for air is necessary and not taking a swim in that crazy spiral of coverage is wise and yet it also feels like you aren't doing anything if you aren't at least staying informed. What can you do? It is so overwhelming and so I bake.  

        Baking gives me a sense of control when everything seems out of it. I still marvel at how the same ingredients, when tweaked and prepared just a bit differently will come out as a cake instead of cookies. It's science and it makes sense to those who like to live in the sensical plains. I am more prone to the magical mountains. Where it is a stroke of magic to put these ingredients together and create something from thin air. It is magical to me that an hour ago there was no dessert on my counter and there now sits a chocolate cake. Or just leaving out eggs and baking soda makes shortbread cookies instead of traditional cookies. To be able to control that is helpful in these helpless times. 

        There is so much out of our control on a daily basis. I say that and immediately remember that NOTHING is in our control. Even those cookies and cakes can take a nose dive and not rise or turn out brick like if something is off in temperature or environment. We perceive control and it makes us feel like we can make anything happen. This sense of control then high fives our ego and we continue on a path of what can we build, create, bake up, etc. Great things have been made from this feeling of control and it's helped shape our world. Like anything that has shaped our world, there are downsides. One example is the automobile. That invention created a whole new world of opportunities and autonomy to move about the landscape much quicker than horses. Little did they know back then that the fuel would someday be something wars would be fought over or that the fuel itself would pollute the air. No control is ever certain in anything. 

        I bake to feel a sense of power and control. That's the extent of my ego. To will flour and butter to take shape as I hear the amazing theme song from Waitress fill my head "sugar, butter, flour..." There are many others who need to control money, narratives, image, others, etc. That's a whole different kind of baking that gets into different levels of morality. How far is too far? Same could be said for my baking I presume. One day recently, I baked zucchini bread, biscuits and cookies all in a matter of an hour. I overconsumed that day as well. So, that could be looked at as gluttonous which is not a respected trait to have. All of this, is of course, distraction mimicking control! 

        The shoe on the other foot always drops. Sometimes it takes years to realize it, but whenever you try to escape reality, for whatever reason, it will find you. Sometimes it comes through other portals or discoveries, but you cannot ever get away from truth. People try. I have tried and yet it always finds you. So, this is why I write. In sitting down to discover why I bake, I can write these thought musings which usually hold the most truth of all. Picked up from elders, books, therapists, motivational speakers... the lessons start to seep out. Escapism comes in many forms and only when you can sit and be honest about what you're trying to escape, will you ever stop trying to. 

        Now, I don't pretend this is easy. Who wants to sit with their deepest hurts and have a conversation with them? Unfortunately, that's the only way to get them to leave. You have to invite them in for tea and spill it all over the table before hugging them goodbye. Yes, HUGGING THEM. Our deepest hurts were meant for us and that's the other piece that so often we want to control. "If my life would have been different," or "if I had what they had, I could have been more like them," or "why did I have to be so different from the rest of the group?" Those questions are keeping you from yourself. NONE OF IT could have been different because everything is as it should be. 

        Most of all, everything is as it is. So, even if you don't want to believe that everything happens for a reason because that is too cliche or worn out and your mind just can't grasp it; this is where you are. There is no changing anything up till now and so you not staring it in the face and owning it before letting it go is what's hurting you. Not the parent who wasn't there for you physically or emotionally. Not the friend you pushed away because of your inability to give unconditional love. Not the mistakes you made along the way. Not the regrets you may have. Whatever story you're telling yourself, write it down. Anywhere that blame is placed outside, look within.

        Why should I have to deal with what someone did to me? Believe me, I have asked myself and cried about that question many sleepless nights. When I had PTSD symptoms after a couple traumatic experiences back to back that were in no way my fault, I was BEYOND angry that now I had to do the work and heal these things that I never asked for in the first place. What I learned is that my life wouldn't change until I changed the way I looked at life. It took time as I took two steps forward and one step back, but eventually I heard the most important sentence I ever heard: "You are not allowing your feelings." I wasn't letting myself feel. I was not allowing my anger. I was not allowing my pain. 

        When you don't allow yourself to feel everything. When you consume as a way to NOT think about how you are feeling, you will end up depressed. As the great Jim Carey so wonderfully pointed out, "Depression is your body saying F&%k you, I don't want to be this character anymore. I don't want to hold up this avatar that you created." This happens whenever you deny what you're feeling and who you are. You create a second self and your real self will be in constant friction with your made up image forever. 

       I can confidently say all this because I've battled depression since I was 21 years old. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and I have had to learn that whenever I head to the kitchen to bake or I open the liquor closet (who am I kidding, I can't have one of those in my house!) to pour myself a drink that I shouldn't be looking at the habit, but looking for the reason I want to numb my feelings. Most of the time, it's because I haven't been myself as fully as I can be and I need to reassess. Also, just sitting in the pain is necessary. Being human is painful and it sucks, but it is far less painful if you lean into that pain and move through it instead of bucking up or staying positive and letting it build up underneath. Just simply ignoring it or moving past it won't make it go away. Layers of paint over faulty walls never hold up. You can't paint a smile on and expect that the underneath sadness will just magically turn into sunshine! It doesn't work like that.  

        Once you are depressed, anxiety isn't far behind. Because when you are not yourself, you are anxious that someone will see the duality. That someone will find out how much you are struggling or that your sadness will shine through. To those people who are unconditional and compassionate, you, in any form will be well received. Unfortunately, with some people, your presence must always be shiny and happy because your sadness either triggers something they are trying to ignore in themselves or they feel that if they need to stay positive why shouldn't you. As you get older and realize more and more throughout life experience, those who truly care for you will accept you as Mark Darcy would, just as you are! Of course, you don't want to be always blue or what someone might call a Debbie Downer, but if you are truly down or sad, shame on anyone to ask you to be different. This is the messaging that has cultivated a culture prone to happy personas with depression and anxiety looming underneath. It's unhealthy and tragically can end up being way too overwhelming and we lose great people at their own hand. It's less painful to not be here than to be here as a fake version of themselves. 

        When it comes to anxiety, most everyone has a form of it at some point in their lives. It's an important part of our make-up to help keep us safe and in cave man times it was crucial for survival. Now, in the present, anxiety is heightened to a degree that's incredibly harmful to the body and psyche. Not everyone experiences it the same. Some have the usual kind where they are anxious at job interviews, meeting new people, going to the doctor, etc. These more normal anxiety inducing experiences cause a feeling of apprehension because of the unknown. There are others who suffer from more debilitating anxiety. What that can look like is being somewhere once comfortable or seemingly safe, but now it causes shortness of breath or feelings of needing to escape. This can look like panic attacks, sobbing, uncontrollable breathing that comes on without a visibly triggering event to onlookers. All of these are in a different class of anxiety and may be labeled as a disorder. 

        I have been diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder. At times, anxiety can be very debilitating. A lot of the time for me, it is spacial in nature, where I feel stuck and all of a sudden desperately want out. This is why I often need to sit on an aisle for concerts or movies (which I rarely attend anymore... sadly) and why if that's not an option, I have to sit in between two allies. Allies meaning 2 people I know won't judge me or question me if I have any issues. This comes and goes and if I practice breathing exercises, get good sleep and don't drink alcohol, my attacks aren't as frequent. 

    I still find it hard to express what the difference is between the two kinds of anxiety. "Can't you just push through it," or "I get anxiety too, but I still do stuff," are things you might hear when you speak up about such struggles. It is hard to articulate, but just a couple weeks ago, I saw the explanation of it depicted so well on a little show called Happy's Place. When I saw the way a character named Steve explained to his boss Bobbie how tired he was, I sobbed. I could relate. Being self aware and caring about how you move through the world is utterly exhausting. The best part about this clip was that it showed in just two sentences what it's really like to live in constant anxiety. 

Click here to: Watch the Clip on REBA - Anxiety Explained

      "When you sit, you don't have to think, you just sit... I have to tell myself I'm going to be okay if I sit or I don't sit. And I have to do those thoughts every second of every day." Steve admits while holding back tears. It's such a real moment that we don't get to see that much on television. The realness of what it's like to be anxiety ridden every day. What he's talking about quitting in the scene is therapy, and he wants to know "when will I be fixed?" It's something I've asked myself a million times. The hardest thing to accept is no one is ever fixed. What we go through was meant for us and we needed it all to do the great things we're meant to imprint on the world. We don't always know what that is, or sometimes we don't even realize that just existing as this person shaped by the exact hardships and experiences we've been through is serving the world. 

        So often, we think we need to be doing some grand thing with an audience to merit worth and the truth of life is whatever you do without intention of hurt, with a willingness to change and a self awareness that allows you to learn is enough. Sure, I say that as I'm writing this blog post hoping to touch someone and make an impact somewhere, but I make an impact every day because I'm alive. I truly feel that within my being. We only have had such a broad reach of touching people's lives outside of our local surroundings for a couple decades now. Did everyone before that not matter because they had no stage or audience? Every human existence is impactful! 

        As I head off now to bake some chocolate chip shortbread cookies (no I'm not kidding), I realize that we all shoulder something. We all don't know where we're going in life or death. We sit in constant unknowns as we grab those things that bring us comfort. I bake. I write. I listen to music. I drink libations. I am imperfect. I cling to the things that will bring me comfort because they were afforded to me. When things are so out of control, to feel like I have some comfort is helpful to ease my shaky veins. What I more consciously do is cry, scream, sing, talk to the sky, have a morning conversation with a stray cat that had to do with its missing Mama and the promise I made to her that he would be okay. That I wish he would warm up to me so I could help him. These are hard things. I have no control over said cat. I have no control over the state of the world. Or if the sky will fall. I have no control over what I have experienced or what I will experience, but I do control my ability to feel. 

     Unexpressed feelings create so many of the world's issues. Owning our hardships, mistakes or feelings allows us to walk through them and move on. When we bury anything with baked goods, not only will our pants eventually not fit, but whatever pain or insecurities we have, they will rise to the surface in other, more harmful ways. I guess there is one thing you CAN control in this life... Feel everything so that you can heal everything. 

A Stake In It

 

  I delayed myself in writing this until I could calm my anger and be more subjective and graceful with my words.  In case you missed it, JD Vance said the following: "We are effectively run in this country... by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too... How does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it?" There were other things in there, but I don't want to get too political here. That's for each person to decide. What I will touch on is much greater and even more upsetting than politics. 

    It would be so easy to just sit here and spout off some insults about the person who said these things, but I think there's more to look at then just the words. The meaning of the things said, hold far more weight. Plus, I always think it unwise to act in the same way as the person you were offended by. Hypocrisy is a big part of the problem in the world, but that's a whole other blog. Of course, as I write this, there are new articles going around claiming it was sarcastic and everyone's missing the point. Points made intelligently are rarely missed. Sarcasm is not something that should be served up when hoping to gain people's support and votes. Not taking things seriously is something to maybe steer away from if you are hoping to get a serious appointment like Vice President. 

    With all that being said, the first concern that came to my mind after hearing that unintelligible statement, was all the impressionable minds who may have heard it. Those who are going to believe what he is saying as truth. To be completely transparent, I can be labeled a "childless cat lady," as I have 4 cats and I have no children as I head towards 44 years of age. I have struggled to not only figure out who I am, but to also hold tight to me, when others want to tell me who I am. And I admit that I am still on shaky ground, but in this stage of life, I know myself enough to shake any doubts that these words put in my head. What about those who aren't? It's so easy to say, "they are just words," but the reality of it is that not everyone has armor built up to reject words. Things like this can seep in and become part of our programming. Most people don't want to hear that, because they'd have to take some responsibility for what they say. In my experience, words are always spoken for a reason. 

    There's a lot to unpack in that cat lady statement. Using "childless" dumbs down fertility into a narrow choice. As if every childless person wanted to be childless. It's a really hard reality for some who dreamed of having children to not be able to. Beyond that, what about the men who never have/had children? George Washington never had children. Why is it just women that get ridiculed when sometimes it is not even a choice. As a woman who HAS chosen not to have children before ever trying, I can tell you that my choice has a lot to do with how judgmental and cruel the world can be. For me, life has been intensely overwhelming at times. Some days it takes everything I have, just to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't ask to come here and suffer like this and I realized that I did not want to impose the possibility of these same feelings, onto another human being. Also, having someone that lived inside of me for nine months grow up and out of my control for their well being, terrified me. I am scared enough in this life as it is. 

    "A child changes everything," is what I imagine some people reading this are thinking. I have heard the argument that "once you have a baby, you will be less focused on yourself and you'll have less time to be anxious." I wish I could believe that, but as a cat lady, 3 of my cats are outdoor strays and I'm worried sick every night till I see their faces each morning. If I'm that distraught with cats that never took residence inside my belly, I don't see how a baby would be any different. I also have a lot of unhealed trauma that I don't ever want to impose on a tiny being that didn't ask to be brought into this world. Nor do I ever want a child to be a band aid for my pain or use it as something that will heal me. It's just not something I want for my life and I feel blessed to be in a committed relationship of over 17 years where that is respected and agreed upon between the two of us whole heartedly. 

    I love children and I am so happy for anyone and everyone who wants to go that route and have the life they have always dreamed of. That's the thing, as those who are childless by choice, we want everyone to do what they want and we don't impose anything on those people. That's the unnerving part of judgment that is put into action or into a speech to reach the masses like this. It's telling others that they are WRONG for living just as they want and yet we would never say the same about their lifestyle because we want freedom for all. Truly. You do you and I'll do me and we can live together respectfully. Why can't it be that way? In all facets of life. 

    Leaders of the world, need to see that it takes all kinds of kinds to keep the world moving and working. If every woman had a child or children, the Earth would be even more populated than it already is. We are nearly at capacity. If I had children, these four cats would be left to their own devices and would probably perish. They are creatures of the universe that should be cared for and looked after too. Think about the doctor who wasn't able to have children and so she spent her life working on fertility research to help others have the chance. Or those "childless cat ladies" who were so dedicated to help stop cancer or create some technological advancement that we count on everyday, that they didn't have time for children in their life. After saving the world, they come home and are greeted by loving beings who give them some comfort. It takes us all to keep the world going. 

    The most glaring point that Mr. Vance made was when he said: "How does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it?" It said a lot more about him that anything else he said. From what I can deduce, he thinks it is impossible for someone to care about something they won't benefit from. What does that say about what he will care about? Only things that directly benefit him or that he has a stake in? I care so deeply about the future of our world and it's because I want to leave it a little bit better than I found it. The beauty of the Earth is vast and awe inspiring to me. I want as many people to experience that awe as possible. The future may not hold me or my decedents in it, but I care about other people's decedents very much because I have empathy.

    Empathy makes saying things without thinking very hard to do. When you think about the impact your words might have on others, you speak with caution and only say things that really need to be said. Empathy often holds no benefit and sometimes comes with a little pain or hurt on behalf of those who are suffering. Women instinctively have more empathy because of their maternal make-up. Yes, even if you don't have children, as a woman you are hard wired to have motherly instincts. Just compare a man and a woman sleeping in the same house at night. Make a loud noise in the kitchen and see who hears it first. 9 times out of 10, it'll be the woman because she is hard wired to hear noises as she sleeps in case her baby needs to be fed or cared for.  It's innate and that empathy extends to all. Beyond our "stake." It's not about us. It's about EVERYONE. 

    To say that you can't care without a stake in it, is part of the problem with society as a whole these days. "How will this benefit me," or "How can I make this work in my favor," is often the goal. People are looked at for what they can give or what they owe you. Looking at aging parents as an inheritance, taking money from hard working people you don't plan on helping once elected, pocketing the money you find lying in the street instead of finding its rightful owner, or live streaming good deeds, etc. Where is the empathy in all of that. That's what we need more of in this world. NOT having a stake or benefit in something and caring anyway. Those who are the loudest get the most air time and so we lose sight that there are a lot of people who are doing good in quiet. 

    To all my fellow childless cat ladies out there, I see you. Beyond that, to any woman who has felt less than for not being able to conceive or has chosen a different path than motherhood, I see you. To the mothers who are raising children that have empathy and respect for others, I see you. Let empathy light our way and though it is tempting to double down on hateful speech, let's rise above it. What's been said speaks volumes. Let it be its own undoing. There is enough hatred in the world and we do not need to add any fuel to that fire. You are a valid and beautiful human no matter what you produce. Just BE. Shields up!

Taking A Break

It's never easy when someone you adored in childhood leaves the Earth. When both Lucille Ball and Mister Rogers passed away, I was devastated. I can remember hearing the news and what that felt like. I am equally devastated today with the news that Pee Wee Herman has passed on. 

It's a funny thing with famous people. They become famous because of the great work or service they provide. The joy that they bring through their particular way of looking at things, looking at life, etc. taps into something new and different. We hold them up on a pedestal and give them adulation and praise. And yet, the revered can almost never show their humanity. To be flawed or make a mistake would tarnish the image and we all know that story, but I have to say it doesn't define the person. It's distressing to me that some of the headlines included that one public mistake. Instead of just remembering the Pee Wee who impacted so many children and gave us so much imaginative space to feel okay for a half hour a day, they cut to his misstep. 

We do that here in society. We love to point out a person's mistakes. For what other purpose than to feel better about one's own foibles, I guess. The fact that Paul Reubens didn't take to the public for sympathy or support during his health battle shows that he didn't need us as much as we needed him. He was a bright light in some of the dark spots from my childhood. I just hope he TRULY KNEW how much of a good impact he made on us 1980's kiddos. 

As I sat with this news, I realized that I can get caught up in the headlines and the articles that I sincerely despise. Even though I hate them, I read them and I found myself feeling really sad that I lack some control when I scroll the internet. It's there and I have to know what they're talking about. I give them clicks even when the content makes me sick to my stomach. It got me thinking a lot about how tied to the Internet and Social Media web I am. Even though I have been limiting the time I spend on my phone, I find myself taking a "break" in the middle of writing or working to check out the latest headlines. And 100% of the time, I am not better for it. There's not a single time when I am happier or feel more enlightened by the internet break. 

So, if it's not something I enjoy, but I still keep going back to it, that must only mean that I am addicted to it. I feel like I need to "be in the know." Looking back at periods in my life when I have decided that all the information is too much for me, I would get push back from people. They'd say things like, "it's good to stay informed," or "you should always stay in the loop." Over and over again I would get the messaging that if I don't know what's going on out there, somehow I will be missing out or in danger or just not caring about the world as a whole. It's all false. The world will keep on turning if I don't watch the News or read every article that pops up as BREAKING NEWS. 

The more I feed into the fear and anxiety that the NEWS constantly pumps out, the more fear and anxiety lives within me. I don't think that is by accident either. By design, powerful people want to instill fear to keep us where they want us and to close our minds and train our views. The man made cycle and societal standards are a disservice to everyone. Negativity feeds on more negativity and that's why there is so much pessimism running rampant. They need us to be unhappy so they can sell us the NEXT BEST THING to cure the very unhappiness they created?!?!?!? 

It's nuts! 

As I sit here typing, I have decided to take a break from ALL OF IT. It's going to be SUPER HARD and I don't know how I'll fare, but I've gotta try. I am an addict. I am addicted to the next headline and the bits of gossip that commonly turn out to be wrong. That old woman on the bench in the Barbie Movie... nope, that's not Barbara (the inventor of Barbie's daughter) as all those articles said. That's an actress playing a part. I told people false headlines and then had to go back and tell them I was wrong. (BTW, Barbie is my new all-time favorite movie! What a film!) You cannot believe everything you read anymore. Sure, there have been lies spilled before the dawning of the internet, but the getting to the bottom of it was a bit easier. Sadly, you think if you read the same information from three "reliable" sources that it confirms it to be true. Well, the one copied it from the first and the third from the second so only one had the story and no one fact checked it. One story gets shuffled around to get clicks and the headline is all that matters. Who cares if it's not true. 

I care. I also care about kindness and some of the headlines today about Paul Reubens were UNKIND. Humanity is insanity and unfortunately there are way too many avenues to be affected by it these days. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I don't know how long I'll be away and if I can actually do it, but I'm going to start with a month as my goal. August will officially be my INTERNET FREE month. I don't need to know and I owe it to myself to at least TAKE A BREAK. It's overwhelming at times and it really doesn't add to my quality of life. It really takes away. Like today, I have been mostly crying and reading articles about Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman and just tying myself up in knots about it all. So, instead I thought I'd write a blog and get some thoughts out, make my declaration that I will abstain from the internet for one month. Now that I've done that... I'm off to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns... 

Thank you Paul Reubens... 

THANK YOU!