Baking Control

 

 

         Life has felt out of control for a while now. Since 2020, the unease hasn't fully left my veins. As of late, I've made it a point to be where my feet are (shout out to the incomparable Jason Mraz) and so there's no going back to detail all that the last 5 years have held. What I will say is that life on a grander scale has become so unsettling that to be where my feet are isn't always easy. To watch the news and see the headlines and not dive into the stories is hard. And yet, once you're swimming in the "facts" that you have to double and triple check because you don't know if it's slanted to a political party, you can get exhausted. Coming up for air is necessary and not taking a swim in that crazy spiral of coverage is wise and yet it also feels like you aren't doing anything if you aren't at least staying informed. What can you do? It is so overwhelming and so I bake.  

        Baking gives me a sense of control when everything seems out of it. I still marvel at how the same ingredients, when tweaked and prepared just a bit differently will come out as a cake instead of cookies. It's science and it makes sense to those who like to live in the sensical plains. I am more prone to the magical mountains. Where it is a stroke of magic to put these ingredients together and create something from thin air. It is magical to me that an hour ago there was no dessert on my counter and there now sits a chocolate cake. Or just leaving out eggs and baking soda makes shortbread cookies instead of traditional cookies. To be able to control that is helpful in these helpless times. 

        There is so much out of our control on a daily basis. I say that and immediately remember that NOTHING is in our control. Even those cookies and cakes can take a nose dive and not rise or turn out brick like if something is off in temperature or environment. We perceive control and it makes us feel like we can make anything happen. This sense of control then high fives our ego and we continue on a path of what can we build, create, bake up, etc. Great things have been made from this feeling of control and it's helped shape our world. Like anything that has shaped our world, there are downsides. One example is the automobile. That invention created a whole new world of opportunities and autonomy to move about the landscape much quicker than horses. Little did they know back then that the fuel would someday be something wars would be fought over or that the fuel itself would pollute the air. No control is ever certain in anything. 

        I bake to feel a sense of power and control. That's the extent of my ego. To will flour and butter to take shape as I hear the amazing theme song from Waitress fill my head "sugar, butter, flour..." There are many others who need to control money, narratives, image, others, etc. That's a whole different kind of baking that gets into different levels of morality. How far is too far? Same could be said for my baking I presume. One day recently, I baked zucchini bread, biscuits and cookies all in a matter of an hour. I overconsumed that day as well. So, that could be looked at as gluttonous which is not a respected trait to have. All of this, is of course, distraction mimicking control! 

        The shoe on the other foot always drops. Sometimes it takes years to realize it, but whenever you try to escape reality, for whatever reason, it will find you. Sometimes it comes through other portals or discoveries, but you cannot ever get away from truth. People try. I have tried and yet it always finds you. So, this is why I write. In sitting down to discover why I bake, I can write these thought musings which usually hold the most truth of all. Picked up from elders, books, therapists, motivational speakers... the lessons start to seep out. Escapism comes in many forms and only when you can sit and be honest about what you're trying to escape, will you ever stop trying to. 

        Now, I don't pretend this is easy. Who wants to sit with their deepest hurts and have a conversation with them? Unfortunately, that's the only way to get them to leave. You have to invite them in for tea and spill it all over the table before hugging them goodbye. Yes, HUGGING THEM. Our deepest hurts were meant for us and that's the other piece that so often we want to control. "If my life would have been different," or "if I had what they had, I could have been more like them," or "why did I have to be so different from the rest of the group?" Those questions are keeping you from yourself. NONE OF IT could have been different because everything is as it should be. 

        Most of all, everything is as it is. So, even if you don't want to believe that everything happens for a reason because that is too cliche or worn out and your mind just can't grasp it; this is where you are. There is no changing anything up till now and so you not staring it in the face and owning it before letting it go is what's hurting you. Not the parent who wasn't there for you physically or emotionally. Not the friend you pushed away because of your inability to give unconditional love. Not the mistakes you made along the way. Not the regrets you may have. Whatever story you're telling yourself, write it down. Anywhere that blame is placed outside, look within.

        Why should I have to deal with what someone did to me? Believe me, I have asked myself and cried about that question many sleepless nights. When I had PTSD symptoms after a couple traumatic experiences back to back that were in no way my fault, I was BEYOND angry that now I had to do the work and heal these things that I never asked for in the first place. What I learned is that my life wouldn't change until I changed the way I looked at life. It took time as I took two steps forward and one step back, but eventually I heard the most important sentence I ever heard: "You are not allowing your feelings." I wasn't letting myself feel. I was not allowing my anger. I was not allowing my pain. 

        When you don't allow yourself to feel everything. When you consume as a way to NOT think about how you are feeling, you will end up depressed. As the great Jim Carey so wonderfully pointed out, "Depression is your body saying F&%k you, I don't want to be this character anymore. I don't want to hold up this avatar that you created." This happens whenever you deny what you're feeling and who you are. You create a second self and your real self will be in constant friction with your made up image forever. 

       I can confidently say all this because I've battled depression since I was 21 years old. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and I have had to learn that whenever I head to the kitchen to bake or I open the liquor closet (who am I kidding, I can't have one of those in my house!) to pour myself a drink that I shouldn't be looking at the habit, but looking for the reason I want to numb my feelings. Most of the time, it's because I haven't been myself as fully as I can be and I need to reassess. Also, just sitting in the pain is necessary. Being human is painful and it sucks, but it is far less painful if you lean into that pain and move through it instead of bucking up or staying positive and letting it build up underneath. Just simply ignoring it or moving past it won't make it go away. Layers of paint over faulty walls never hold up. You can't paint a smile on and expect that the underneath sadness will just magically turn into sunshine! It doesn't work like that.  

        Once you are depressed, anxiety isn't far behind. Because when you are not yourself, you are anxious that someone will see the duality. That someone will find out how much you are struggling or that your sadness will shine through. To those people who are unconditional and compassionate, you, in any form will be well received. Unfortunately, with some people, your presence must always be shiny and happy because your sadness either triggers something they are trying to ignore in themselves or they feel that if they need to stay positive why shouldn't you. As you get older and realize more and more throughout life experience, those who truly care for you will accept you as Mark Darcy would, just as you are! Of course, you don't want to be always blue or what someone might call a Debbie Downer, but if you are truly down or sad, shame on anyone to ask you to be different. This is the messaging that has cultivated a culture prone to happy personas with depression and anxiety looming underneath. It's unhealthy and tragically can end up being way too overwhelming and we lose great people at their own hand. It's less painful to not be here than to be here as a fake version of themselves. 

        When it comes to anxiety, most everyone has a form of it at some point in their lives. It's an important part of our make-up to help keep us safe and in cave man times it was crucial for survival. Now, in the present, anxiety is heightened to a degree that's incredibly harmful to the body and psyche. Not everyone experiences it the same. Some have the usual kind where they are anxious at job interviews, meeting new people, going to the doctor, etc. These more normal anxiety inducing experiences cause a feeling of apprehension because of the unknown. There are others who suffer from more debilitating anxiety. What that can look like is being somewhere once comfortable or seemingly safe, but now it causes shortness of breath or feelings of needing to escape. This can look like panic attacks, sobbing, uncontrollable breathing that comes on without a visibly triggering event to onlookers. All of these are in a different class of anxiety and may be labeled as a disorder. 

        I have been diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder. At times, anxiety can be very debilitating. A lot of the time for me, it is spacial in nature, where I feel stuck and all of a sudden desperately want out. This is why I often need to sit on an aisle for concerts or movies (which I rarely attend anymore... sadly) and why if that's not an option, I have to sit in between two allies. Allies meaning 2 people I know won't judge me or question me if I have any issues. This comes and goes and if I practice breathing exercises, get good sleep and don't drink alcohol, my attacks aren't as frequent. 

    I still find it hard to express what the difference is between the two kinds of anxiety. "Can't you just push through it," or "I get anxiety too, but I still do stuff," are things you might hear when you speak up about such struggles. It is hard to articulate, but just a couple weeks ago, I saw the explanation of it depicted so well on a little show called Happy's Place. When I saw the way a character named Steve explained to his boss Bobbie how tired he was, I sobbed. I could relate. Being self aware and caring about how you move through the world is utterly exhausting. The best part about this clip was that it showed in just two sentences what it's really like to live in constant anxiety. 

Click here to: Watch the Clip on REBA - Anxiety Explained

      "When you sit, you don't have to think, you just sit... I have to tell myself I'm going to be okay if I sit or I don't sit. And I have to do those thoughts every second of every day." Steve admits while holding back tears. It's such a real moment that we don't get to see that much on television. The realness of what it's like to be anxiety ridden every day. What he's talking about quitting in the scene is therapy, and he wants to know "when will I be fixed?" It's something I've asked myself a million times. The hardest thing to accept is no one is ever fixed. What we go through was meant for us and we needed it all to do the great things we're meant to imprint on the world. We don't always know what that is, or sometimes we don't even realize that just existing as this person shaped by the exact hardships and experiences we've been through is serving the world. 

        So often, we think we need to be doing some grand thing with an audience to merit worth and the truth of life is whatever you do without intention of hurt, with a willingness to change and a self awareness that allows you to learn is enough. Sure, I say that as I'm writing this blog post hoping to touch someone and make an impact somewhere, but I make an impact every day because I'm alive. I truly feel that within my being. We only have had such a broad reach of touching people's lives outside of our local surroundings for a couple decades now. Did everyone before that not matter because they had no stage or audience? Every human existence is impactful! 

        As I head off now to bake some chocolate chip shortbread cookies (no I'm not kidding), I realize that we all shoulder something. We all don't know where we're going in life or death. We sit in constant unknowns as we grab those things that bring us comfort. I bake. I write. I listen to music. I drink libations. I am imperfect. I cling to the things that will bring me comfort because they were afforded to me. When things are so out of control, to feel like I have some comfort is helpful to ease my shaky veins. What I more consciously do is cry, scream, sing, talk to the sky, have a morning conversation with a stray cat that had to do with its missing Mama and the promise I made to her that he would be okay. That I wish he would warm up to me so I could help him. These are hard things. I have no control over said cat. I have no control over the state of the world. Or if the sky will fall. I have no control over what I have experienced or what I will experience, but I do control my ability to feel. 

     Unexpressed feelings create so many of the world's issues. Owning our hardships, mistakes or feelings allows us to walk through them and move on. When we bury anything with baked goods, not only will our pants eventually not fit, but whatever pain or insecurities we have, they will rise to the surface in other, more harmful ways. I guess there is one thing you CAN control in this life... Feel everything so that you can heal everything. 

A Stake In It

 

  I delayed myself in writing this until I could calm my anger and be more subjective and graceful with my words.  In case you missed it, JD Vance said the following: "We are effectively run in this country... by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too... How does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it?" There were other things in there, but I don't want to get too political here. That's for each person to decide. What I will touch on is much greater and even more upsetting than politics. 

    It would be so easy to just sit here and spout off some insults about the person who said these things, but I think there's more to look at then just the words. The meaning of the things said, hold far more weight. Plus, I always think it unwise to act in the same way as the person you were offended by. Hypocrisy is a big part of the problem in the world, but that's a whole other blog. Of course, as I write this, there are new articles going around claiming it was sarcastic and everyone's missing the point. Points made intelligently are rarely missed. Sarcasm is not something that should be served up when hoping to gain people's support and votes. Not taking things seriously is something to maybe steer away from if you are hoping to get a serious appointment like Vice President. 

    With all that being said, the first concern that came to my mind after hearing that unintelligible statement, was all the impressionable minds who may have heard it. Those who are going to believe what he is saying as truth. To be completely transparent, I can be labeled a "childless cat lady," as I have 4 cats and I have no children as I head towards 44 years of age. I have struggled to not only figure out who I am, but to also hold tight to me, when others want to tell me who I am. And I admit that I am still on shaky ground, but in this stage of life, I know myself enough to shake any doubts that these words put in my head. What about those who aren't? It's so easy to say, "they are just words," but the reality of it is that not everyone has armor built up to reject words. Things like this can seep in and become part of our programming. Most people don't want to hear that, because they'd have to take some responsibility for what they say. In my experience, words are always spoken for a reason. 

    There's a lot to unpack in that cat lady statement. Using "childless" dumbs down fertility into a narrow choice. As if every childless person wanted to be childless. It's a really hard reality for some who dreamed of having children to not be able to. Beyond that, what about the men who never have/had children? George Washington never had children. Why is it just women that get ridiculed when sometimes it is not even a choice. As a woman who HAS chosen not to have children before ever trying, I can tell you that my choice has a lot to do with how judgmental and cruel the world can be. For me, life has been intensely overwhelming at times. Some days it takes everything I have, just to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't ask to come here and suffer like this and I realized that I did not want to impose the possibility of these same feelings, onto another human being. Also, having someone that lived inside of me for nine months grow up and out of my control for their well being, terrified me. I am scared enough in this life as it is. 

    "A child changes everything," is what I imagine some people reading this are thinking. I have heard the argument that "once you have a baby, you will be less focused on yourself and you'll have less time to be anxious." I wish I could believe that, but as a cat lady, 3 of my cats are outdoor strays and I'm worried sick every night till I see their faces each morning. If I'm that distraught with cats that never took residence inside my belly, I don't see how a baby would be any different. I also have a lot of unhealed trauma that I don't ever want to impose on a tiny being that didn't ask to be brought into this world. Nor do I ever want a child to be a band aid for my pain or use it as something that will heal me. It's just not something I want for my life and I feel blessed to be in a committed relationship of over 17 years where that is respected and agreed upon between the two of us whole heartedly. 

    I love children and I am so happy for anyone and everyone who wants to go that route and have the life they have always dreamed of. That's the thing, as those who are childless by choice, we want everyone to do what they want and we don't impose anything on those people. That's the unnerving part of judgment that is put into action or into a speech to reach the masses like this. It's telling others that they are WRONG for living just as they want and yet we would never say the same about their lifestyle because we want freedom for all. Truly. You do you and I'll do me and we can live together respectfully. Why can't it be that way? In all facets of life. 

    Leaders of the world, need to see that it takes all kinds of kinds to keep the world moving and working. If every woman had a child or children, the Earth would be even more populated than it already is. We are nearly at capacity. If I had children, these four cats would be left to their own devices and would probably perish. They are creatures of the universe that should be cared for and looked after too. Think about the doctor who wasn't able to have children and so she spent her life working on fertility research to help others have the chance. Or those "childless cat ladies" who were so dedicated to help stop cancer or create some technological advancement that we count on everyday, that they didn't have time for children in their life. After saving the world, they come home and are greeted by loving beings who give them some comfort. It takes us all to keep the world going. 

    The most glaring point that Mr. Vance made was when he said: "How does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it?" It said a lot more about him that anything else he said. From what I can deduce, he thinks it is impossible for someone to care about something they won't benefit from. What does that say about what he will care about? Only things that directly benefit him or that he has a stake in? I care so deeply about the future of our world and it's because I want to leave it a little bit better than I found it. The beauty of the Earth is vast and awe inspiring to me. I want as many people to experience that awe as possible. The future may not hold me or my decedents in it, but I care about other people's decedents very much because I have empathy.

    Empathy makes saying things without thinking very hard to do. When you think about the impact your words might have on others, you speak with caution and only say things that really need to be said. Empathy often holds no benefit and sometimes comes with a little pain or hurt on behalf of those who are suffering. Women instinctively have more empathy because of their maternal make-up. Yes, even if you don't have children, as a woman you are hard wired to have motherly instincts. Just compare a man and a woman sleeping in the same house at night. Make a loud noise in the kitchen and see who hears it first. 9 times out of 10, it'll be the woman because she is hard wired to hear noises as she sleeps in case her baby needs to be fed or cared for.  It's innate and that empathy extends to all. Beyond our "stake." It's not about us. It's about EVERYONE. 

    To say that you can't care without a stake in it, is part of the problem with society as a whole these days. "How will this benefit me," or "How can I make this work in my favor," is often the goal. People are looked at for what they can give or what they owe you. Looking at aging parents as an inheritance, taking money from hard working people you don't plan on helping once elected, pocketing the money you find lying in the street instead of finding its rightful owner, or live streaming good deeds, etc. Where is the empathy in all of that. That's what we need more of in this world. NOT having a stake or benefit in something and caring anyway. Those who are the loudest get the most air time and so we lose sight that there are a lot of people who are doing good in quiet. 

    To all my fellow childless cat ladies out there, I see you. Beyond that, to any woman who has felt less than for not being able to conceive or has chosen a different path than motherhood, I see you. To the mothers who are raising children that have empathy and respect for others, I see you. Let empathy light our way and though it is tempting to double down on hateful speech, let's rise above it. What's been said speaks volumes. Let it be its own undoing. There is enough hatred in the world and we do not need to add any fuel to that fire. You are a valid and beautiful human no matter what you produce. Just BE. Shields up!

Taking A Break

It's never easy when someone you adored in childhood leaves the Earth. When both Lucille Ball and Mister Rogers passed away, I was devastated. I can remember hearing the news and what that felt like. I am equally devastated today with the news that Pee Wee Herman has passed on. 

It's a funny thing with famous people. They become famous because of the great work or service they provide. The joy that they bring through their particular way of looking at things, looking at life, etc. taps into something new and different. We hold them up on a pedestal and give them adulation and praise. And yet, the revered can almost never show their humanity. To be flawed or make a mistake would tarnish the image and we all know that story, but I have to say it doesn't define the person. It's distressing to me that some of the headlines included that one public mistake. Instead of just remembering the Pee Wee who impacted so many children and gave us so much imaginative space to feel okay for a half hour a day, they cut to his misstep. 

We do that here in society. We love to point out a person's mistakes. For what other purpose than to feel better about one's own foibles, I guess. The fact that Paul Reubens didn't take to the public for sympathy or support during his health battle shows that he didn't need us as much as we needed him. He was a bright light in some of the dark spots from my childhood. I just hope he TRULY KNEW how much of a good impact he made on us 1980's kiddos. 

As I sat with this news, I realized that I can get caught up in the headlines and the articles that I sincerely despise. Even though I hate them, I read them and I found myself feeling really sad that I lack some control when I scroll the internet. It's there and I have to know what they're talking about. I give them clicks even when the content makes me sick to my stomach. It got me thinking a lot about how tied to the Internet and Social Media web I am. Even though I have been limiting the time I spend on my phone, I find myself taking a "break" in the middle of writing or working to check out the latest headlines. And 100% of the time, I am not better for it. There's not a single time when I am happier or feel more enlightened by the internet break. 

So, if it's not something I enjoy, but I still keep going back to it, that must only mean that I am addicted to it. I feel like I need to "be in the know." Looking back at periods in my life when I have decided that all the information is too much for me, I would get push back from people. They'd say things like, "it's good to stay informed," or "you should always stay in the loop." Over and over again I would get the messaging that if I don't know what's going on out there, somehow I will be missing out or in danger or just not caring about the world as a whole. It's all false. The world will keep on turning if I don't watch the News or read every article that pops up as BREAKING NEWS. 

The more I feed into the fear and anxiety that the NEWS constantly pumps out, the more fear and anxiety lives within me. I don't think that is by accident either. By design, powerful people want to instill fear to keep us where they want us and to close our minds and train our views. The man made cycle and societal standards are a disservice to everyone. Negativity feeds on more negativity and that's why there is so much pessimism running rampant. They need us to be unhappy so they can sell us the NEXT BEST THING to cure the very unhappiness they created?!?!?!? 

It's nuts! 

As I sit here typing, I have decided to take a break from ALL OF IT. It's going to be SUPER HARD and I don't know how I'll fare, but I've gotta try. I am an addict. I am addicted to the next headline and the bits of gossip that commonly turn out to be wrong. That old woman on the bench in the Barbie Movie... nope, that's not Barbara (the inventor of Barbie's daughter) as all those articles said. That's an actress playing a part. I told people false headlines and then had to go back and tell them I was wrong. (BTW, Barbie is my new all-time favorite movie! What a film!) You cannot believe everything you read anymore. Sure, there have been lies spilled before the dawning of the internet, but the getting to the bottom of it was a bit easier. Sadly, you think if you read the same information from three "reliable" sources that it confirms it to be true. Well, the one copied it from the first and the third from the second so only one had the story and no one fact checked it. One story gets shuffled around to get clicks and the headline is all that matters. Who cares if it's not true. 

I care. I also care about kindness and some of the headlines today about Paul Reubens were UNKIND. Humanity is insanity and unfortunately there are way too many avenues to be affected by it these days. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I don't know how long I'll be away and if I can actually do it, but I'm going to start with a month as my goal. August will officially be my INTERNET FREE month. I don't need to know and I owe it to myself to at least TAKE A BREAK. It's overwhelming at times and it really doesn't add to my quality of life. It really takes away. Like today, I have been mostly crying and reading articles about Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman and just tying myself up in knots about it all. So, instead I thought I'd write a blog and get some thoughts out, make my declaration that I will abstain from the internet for one month. Now that I've done that... I'm off to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns... 

Thank you Paul Reubens... 

THANK YOU! 

What Isn't Seen

"I have added ----- insert event name here----- to your calendar, would you like me to set a reminder?" Alexa asks after you ask her to add something important to your calendar. You reply, "No thank you." 

What isn't seen are the weeks, if not months, walking by the calendar and dreading something that used to be fun. What isn't seen is as the event or outing or commitment gets closer, panic comes in heightening waves. What isn't seen is the pep talks to build up your courage and confidence that you can do it, you CAN get through it. What isn't seen is the "wanting to get through it." Just wanting to be on the other side of the event so you can say you did it, but you don't have to dread it anymore. What isn't seen is the deep breathing required to get through getting ready (out of bed, showered, dressed, etc.) for said event. What isn't seen is all the preparation to set yourself up for a panic attack free experience. If you can pick out where you're to be seated, you do. If you can figure out an exit strategy beforehand, you do. You prep those you're going with that you might not make it through or you might have to excuse yourself in the middle of the concert or movie, etc. What isn't seen is the millions of conversations with the people you trust who will attend said event with you. Their understanding of you is the only reason that you've agreed to go. If you have to leave, they may have to go with you and that will be okay. You are in a 100% I CAN TRUST YOU space and no one you surround yourself with, will make you feel bad for potentially ruining their time because they love you that much. These are the only type of people you can go with at this particular time in your life. What isn't seen is the bag of tricks you have to pack as a "Social Gathering Survival Kit." This bag includes Pepto Bismol Tablets, Mints, Lavender oils, extra pads (just in case you don't make it to the bathroom), good luck rocks, etc. What isn't seen are all the trips to the bathroom during the event. Sometimes for nervous movements, but mostly for getting a handle on your breathing and just getting a second away from any negative energy or overwhelming amounts of people you might encounter. What isn't seen is the struggle to wait in a line and be patient between strangers who don't have respect for space. What isn't seen is the fidgeting with your bracelet or rings as you shakily anticipate the beginning of whatever you're there for, so that you can HOPEFULLY have your attention centered on it and relax a little. What isn't seen is the insane relief when it is over and sometimes the horrible grief that you didn't get to enjoy it the way you wish you could. What isn't seen is the day or two needed to come down from that much interaction, energy and pure exhaustion of trying to hold it together. Even if it was just a few hour event, recharging your batteries (for lack of better example) takes rest and quiet which sometimes involves doing absolutely NOTHING.

What isn't seen are the tears that accompany that time because of either pure exhaustion or sadness for not being able to navigate the world "normally." What isn't seen is the depression that sometimes can set in for not having taken in the experience as you wanted to because you were battling panic the whole time. 

This is what it's like to do regular, ordinary things as an anxiety/panic ridden person. From the second the event/concert/appointment/outing/gathering/etc. 

is added to the calendar, the thoughts about it begin. I don't want to speak for everyone, but most people don't dwell on plans to go to a concert or the movies or a sporting event. They look forward to it and maybe count down to it in excitement or it creeps up on them until the event is finally here! Yay! So, when a non-anxious person observes a person with anxiety being preoccupied by the event, they can see them as being "negative" or "over sensitive" or "dramatic." Some people have great empathy, that's what I don't want to speak for all, but in every circle of humans, there are those who cannot see passed what they experience. What they do/how they react must be how everyone else moves through the world and those who move differently are just that...different.

Being different can cause depression within the anxious person as shown in paragraph one. Normalcy or moving through the world in an easy, breezy way is all that the anxious person wants. They don't want to be difficult or create any kind of problems for anyone and yet their brain works against them at times and gives them no choice. This is why going and doing things in groups or with people that the anxious person doesn't trust 100% is avoided at all costs. Maybe not forever, but as this person works through their anxiety and their phobias and panic, they need a trusting environment. This is also why they don't go out a lot. It's far easier to stay in and be in the most trusted environment of them all - home! Eventually, with the help of therapy, classes and sometimes medication, the anxious person will start to creep out into the world again and what they take with them is their safety net. The people they can turn to and say, "I've gotta get out of here," with no judgement and complete care and concern for their well being. Usually, those safety nets are just super proud of said anxious person for trying. Baby steps... 

For the last couple years, I've been battling for my Mental Wellness. Two back to back traumatic events had me seeking help and eventually getting diagnosed with PTSD by a Psychiatrist. It has been a journey. For a while, I was scared to have the curtains open on the windows of my house. I wasn't eating or sleeping. Then, I gradually was able to go outside and nature walk and take care of some stray cats that decided to show up at my door. Their presence got me out of bed each morning and outside. They still do! I eventually was able to go to two different overnight trips a few months apart (Van Gogh Experience/Car show & Imagine Dragons Concert) and it was so exciting to get to take part in the world again and see things to be inspired by! I was back! Then, I had a major setback that lead me into the deepest depression I ever had where I didn't want to live anymore. For the first bit of 2023, I was so agoraphobic and cried more tears than I ever thought were possible. After making such strides, I was back where I started and actually far worse off. Life held NOTHING for me in those days. I just slept or watched crap TV and got lost in this dimension of "what's the point?" During this time, some sounds and experiences jolted memories of my trauma and my fearful side came back again. Every unexpected sound made me jump and I wasn't sleeping. Finally, I tried Psych meds again and they made me feel awful and sick to my stomach. Tried another med instead and it wasn't any better. I felt so lost. During all this time, I missed some birthdays/holidays/momentous occasions of people I truly care about. That just added to my depression and I was beating myself up more and more. 

Recently, I have been doing better and that's the reason I decided to write this. With the help of therapy and physical activity, I am sleeping better and am way less depressed or anxious all the time. Little by little, I am trying to step back out into the world and do things. Sometimes I feel that some people will see a person who has been battling something (for me, it's agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety and depression) get the courage to go out in the world again and so that must mean they are cured. Like everything should just be back to normal if all seems right in their world again. Unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated than that and I feel that in our society, you're just either this or that. You're either depressed or happy. You're either anxious or relaxed. Sometimes you are depressed, but you want to push through it and try to experience something out of life. Snap a picture and I look happy, but what's underneath? You can't be BOTH. Yes you can...Both-ness is human. 

What can sometimes happen is the anxious person will seem less anxious, going to the movies or the County Fair or both within a short period of time. It might be said: They missed the birthday party or the important celebration, but they were able to go to the movies yesterday. What screwed up priorities. To those anxious folks who worry about this, don't. You're living in the present day. They're holding onto the past. What you need to do for yourself, within your boundaries is 100% acceptable. Not that you have to explain yourself, but sometimes it's easier to go with one person you completely trust to the movies than sit in a more intimate setting with people you don't completely trust. The barriers and variables are easier to navigate in a one-on-one activity than in bigger groups of people. All of Paragraph one is real and maybe it'll get less and less with time. Hopefully, you'll be able to get back to the normal functions of life you used to attend, but right now you're just getting your footing back. It is okay to be choosy and it is okay to look out for yourself. Adding guilt or shame will only overwhelm you right now. Own what you need and know you're doing nothing wrong. 

The last thing I want to emphasize here is role reversal. Would the person who's criticizing your choices be willing to live outside their boundaries to met your expectations if the roles were reversed? Probably not. So, why should you? We cannot expect from others what we would not be willing to do ourselves. Let's just say that again because it's a doozy and really clears up a lot about mindless expectation: We cannot expect from others, what we would not be willing to do ourselves. You get what you give is always a good adage. I read somewhere recently, most likely in the amazing A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle, that if you're feeling that someone is withholding something from you, give it to them. Usually you'll get it back. Give what you want and you'll get it in return. So powerful. The expectations we place on people or that we allow to be placed on us which has us eventually thinking: if I have to, then everyone else should too is childish. "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." - Anne Lamott 

What you see isn't ever the whole picture. Even the partner you share a bed with every evening cannot show you every feeling or experience they have or have ever had. Each life holds some mystery and within that, we must resolve that we do not know everything. So, the next time you judge someone for not looking anxious or depressed when they are out doing this or that, realize that the variables make up the experience. The human safety nets, the survival bag, the hypervigilance to know how to leave if need be, the panic unseen behind the bathroom door, the tears of grief for not being 100% present for something they used to enjoy, etc. There is SO MUCH UNSEEN. Also, don't take offense that they don't feel 100% safe in your presence. That comes with great periods of respect and trust between people. It's nothing that can just be cultivated overnight or forced. If you want to be there for them, the best thing you can do is accept them. All you see and what isn't seen. 

 

Want To Know Me?

If you want to know me. Really know me. Just watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... I identify with every character... Today I had to go back and dive into that world. "You're okay.... You're okay...." Simone says that at the end of episode one. It's been a hard thing for me to say to myself... Even if it's true.

So, this week started out so promising. I started a new Body Groove workout regimine. Within that 27 minute workout, there was a moment that has had me depressed ever since. So, day 1 of my new routine was also my last day... As I danced around my living room, there was a song change and all of a sudden, we were doing ballet moves to a sweet song. The ballet moves triggered me. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger. Took classes when I was an adolescent. I adored the graceful movements. Took a class in my first year of college and I was told I was "too tall." Turns out tallness is an attribute worthy of ballet, but I took the instructor's words like a knife to the heart. I dropped the class. I gave up. This was just one of many critiques I listened to. Changed me at the opinion of someone else?!?! As I danced gracefully in my living room with the Body Grooves video Monday, I sobbed. I just love that form of dance. I missed it. I cried for a few hours. Alone. Told others about it later and I didn't feel heard or that they understood the weight of it. 

The weight of it... There's so much weight to me. This is why I have a podcast called HEAVY BOOTS. I carry so much and feel so damn deeply, you'd think I'd explode from feeling. So many don't feel this deep and so it's hard NOT to feel alone or different.

What NEVER makes me feel different? DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... This show is one of those shows that feels like it was written for me. Peter is struggling to believe there's more to life and then magic makes its way in and he's ignited. Then life brings him back to reality which is boring and alone. Simone is hiding who they are and hates being harassed for it. Feminity proves dangerous with harassment and I too have hated that kind of attention. Hard to trust real connection when others have broken you. Fredwyn is a control freak and seeks to know everything possible. I ache to keep everyone safe and feeling good which of course is impossible 100% of the time! Janice is so scared of abandonment and being alone. She never cultivated a great relationship with herself and now that is catching up with her as her husband is in a coma. She's lost and alone. 

Every single character is a piece of me. Shines such a light on all my insecurities and hardships in life. I too ache for something more... I crave magic. Something that gives me some energetic boost! I too feel insecure in my skin and upset with myself for not honoring myself. I too feel that when all else fails to make me feel secure that I can go overboard with what I CAN control. It can be uncomfortable for those around me when all I want to do is rearrange the living room, again. I too am faced with abandonment issues. Most everyone I know (besides my brother) have either physically or emotionally abandoned me. I fear anyone and everyone I get close to will eventually catch wise and leave... "It's me I'm the problem, it's me... One day I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning." All these characters are ME. 

So, if you want to know who I am, all you have to do is watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... The question of "Is this real?" as well as all the questions of art, character, life, passion, purpose and meaning speak to the deepest pieces of my heart, soul and spirit. 

I let others define or tell me what they think and then I believe it to be fact. It gets imbedded in my mind and those critical statements get replayed every time I start to move passed those critiques. I get so stuck in this round about of words I've never said or believed about myself, but allowed to seap into my psyche. 

The end of this beautiful series captures EVERYTHING I believe in and feel to be true. The monologue that Jason Siegel brings to life... "I just think the whole thing is fun, and weird and dark and hilarious, and I want it to be all those things — because I am all those things. This experience helped me remember that." That's just a piece of what he said and I've turned the ENTIRE monologue into a piece of art that hangs up in my living room. It's the MOST impactful thing I've ever heard... And yet...

I'm still here. Trying to figure out how to make my life better. I swim in so many pools of depression and anxiety... Before 2021, I didn't go swimming as often. It wasn't like I was 100% healthy and NEVER went to these pools, but BEFORE 2021 I was so much more at ease. 

Though we cannot blame circumstance and only have the power of how we react. I'm being real. I'm not stuffing down feelings or faking it till I make it. I'm here in those dark feelings and today they are suffocating me. I can't function or focus. I'm a wreck. I have not been courageous in my reactions and I sit in tears. I own it. I don't require pity or any kind of attention. All I need is to "catch my breath." I still haven't yet... 

How Does Anyone Do It All?

Conflicted is an understatement when it comes to my state of being. I have become a goal setter and I really don't let ANYTHING stand in my way in order to get the goal met. This means that I am no longer flexible. This means that I don't go with the flow as often as I used to. This means that I am self focused a big portion of my time. Yes, my goals are to spread creative kindness and create community where people feel seen heard and loved, but I'm still going after MY goals of making that happen. The other, in person interactions have taken a back seat really. Like if I had planned to do A, B & C and someone comes by unexpectedly or asks me to go do something, I will not engage in anything, but A... B... & C... 

Who am I? Who is this girl that wants to chase after things I've wanted to do forever, but never did. It's awesome to get things done. I have a creative business now which includes monthly subscriptions, products I'm proud of that are all handmade by me and a podcast that I just dropped... finally. These are all things that I have wanted to do for years, but I was lacking the courage or the motivation or the focus needed! Now I have it and I feel guilty. 

Don't get me wrong, it's exciting to sell something you poured your heart into and it's amazing to create something that gets tossed out into the world to help people! That part is amazing. I'm just feeling guilty all the time because I have lists and deadlines and I stick to them. I can't keep up with emails or cards or letters to friends whom I adore. My priorities have shifted to my dreams and I guess I just never realized how much time everything takes. You not only have to create something, but you have to put it out there and you have to market it and talk it up. It's a constant cycle of create and promote and then create again and promote again and there's never any really downtime to just sit back and relax. It's a grind. 

It's a good grind. I just see now that it LOOKS SO EASY, but it's a whole other ball of wax and there's a lot of pieces to it that aren't my favorite. Selling stuff to people or emailing people asking for their support or to buy my products is SO NOT ME. I know, it's part of business and you can't sell anything if you don't tell anyone about it, but it's brutal. The Social Media game is also so crazy. You have to post on Instagram and then on Facebook. Then, you have to make sure to put it in the stories and make it engaging. It takes time. 

Then, you add regular life in... taking a shower, getting dressed, washing dishes, paying bills, making a budget, cleaning house, running errands, doing laundry, etc. and you can start to feel spread so thin. Still, you're working from home so what's the complaining about?!?!?! Exactly... I'm not complaining, it's just that my eyes have been opened to how much it takes to run a business and take care of life matters at the same time. I want to applaud all those people out there that have a business, an organized home life, a great social life and are flexible with unexpected plans or visitors. You are my heroes! How do you do it!?!?!

I used to be the person that would do whatever, whenever anyone asked. Let's run down to San Diego for the weekend... SURE! How about a dinner out tonight and some karaoke?... YES! Would you like to go with me to a movie right now?... LET'S GO! Spontaneous was my middle name. Seriously. I would be up for anything and now, am I just getting older or is it that I need more balance in my life? 

It's so hard to breathe these days. And yet I have fresh air to breath and land all around me. I'm feeling an urgency to do something that makes me proud about my life. So, I am putting myself out there in all kinds of ways while also dealing with Mental Health challenges. Anxiety, PTSD, Depression all know where I live. The self doubt and mean voices that enter my head when I can't do it all are brutal. I start to believe all the terrible things it says. "You don't care about anybody but yourself." "What a stupid business idea to focus on, nobody is gonna want to buy that." "You're giving up a day outside for this stupid idea? You're so dumb." 

Then, you add in a sad life event, like losing an animal you had fallen in love with and well, sometimes I want to throw in the towel. It's either in bed, doing nothing but crying and writing sad poetry or it's this driven, gonna set out to do everything I had planned chick. There's no middle ground lately and there are moments that I fall behind. Like with those things that don't really have a due date, but I SHOULD have been working on them days ago just to be prepared. My procrastination on those items is next level. It always gets done and all works out, but usually in a mad rush that stresses me out. I meet the deadline, but stress is present.

I don't know what resolve I hoped to find at the end of writing this narrative. Usually, I can sum it up and make myself feel better through typing out what's going on in my brain and sifting through what I'm feeling, but I got nothing. I don't know how anyone does it all. Imagine if I had kids?!?! Holy hell. This is why I didn't go down that path, life is too much to begin with. And yet, there are millions out there doing it all. Getting out of bed even when the MEAN REDS show up and try and tie you to your pillow case. People out there being flexible and spontaneous and still having a business and purpose that they are proud of...

Perhaps I need to BREATHE. Give it some more time and see if I can strike a proper balance between all the things... Life is a lot and I'm not about to pretend it's not!

 

As It Should

The trash was picked up a few minutes ago. We've had many occasions where they'd forget us altogether, but today they came. It shouldn't shock me, we pay for the service and they SHOULD pick up our smelly garbage every week. Still, every time they come, I feel a sense of excitement that something went right. What was supposed to happen, happened. Maybe it's because I keep waking up to devastating global news, that I'm feeling extra grateful the trash got picked up. We pay those political people too, every April, but lately they've overturned so many crucial things that I guess the letdowns pile up. You get letdown enough and the smallest thing like the trash being picked up becomes a victory. 

Lately, I've been feeling like a letdown myself. Besides being blatantly told I am in recent past, I can't meet my own marks presently. I had a crazy good day Wednesday. Mammogram - check, Blooddraw - check, grocery shopping on my own - check, drove home by myself - check. Still, I didn't feel the pride in myself I was hoping to feel. Instead, I mocked and shamed myself for wanting to celebrate such basic life things. People do this kind of stuff everyday, why should you celebrate it? The next day, I was drained from all the outwardness. Assumed by the next day that I could go and visit with my family, but I was frozen. I guess my intuition knew what was coming... Turned out that it was a good thing I was home after my counseling session. 

If I HAD gone to my family's house and excused myself for counseling, as planned, I would have been a fragile soul tearing up the rest of the day. The voice inside my head is the cruelest and according to my lovely Therapist, it IS something to silence. Up until this time, all my other counselors or therapists just tell me to coexist with this hurtful narrative in my head, but Victoria begs to differ. This voice is learned bullshit that aims to keep me small. Not her words exactly, but the words I'm using nonetheless. It is so strange to me that a voice within me wants to knock me down. It's so annoying that I have to stand up to it and be on guard, but alas this is enlightenment.

The other part that broke me open like a walnut was that the traumatic things that happened to me, were BIG deals. Very few people can claim these real things that I lived through and yet I've been denying myself that reality. I've been running from "playing the victim" or "letting them define me" because that's what I was told to do. Get over it and get on with it! The mind blowing revelation was that by trying to adhere to that get over it mentality and not speak about the incidents, I was suppressing my healing. "The only way you'll know you're healed is when you stop talking about it. One day, you just won't need to anymore."  So, by NOT talking about it or feeling the unease of others as I dive in and diverting the conversation, I'm actually doing myself a huge disservice. It's hard to hear that what you've been doing is what's keeping you stuck. My motivation has been provided by outside souls who have been through more and seen worse, telling me to get over the most traumatic events of my life. Their motivation is hopefully that I wouldn't be hurting anymore. And if it's not and it's only self serving so that they don't have to hear my truth anymore, well why am I adjusting for those folks anyway? 

Adjustment has been my go to. I adjust at particular events, in certain crowds, when others seem uneasy about me. I cave in, I stand down, I shine more light in their direction or whatever I can do to keep smiles on faces. Some see it as admirable, but others have questioned my motivation. If you're willing to give up your upper hand, what are you getting out of it? Nothing. I get happy, smiling faces and the satisfaction that by diminishing me a little, someone else got to feel BIG, which was what they needed. I see that and I lean in. I don't need what they want. Motivation is something that gets projected on me quite often. 

Say that you are a person who gets really sugary sweet when you're working a room of potential clients, investors or even love interests. You see sugary sweet or even kind as having a motivation of acquiring something. So, from then on, you encounter a kind person and they MUST be after something and so they keep you on edge or even as your competition. They can't get what I want! Well, what if this person is adjusting to your need for everyone's eyes to land on you? What if she would give up any attention so you could have ALL of it because she cares for you and wants you to have what you need? Her motivation is love not greed or attention, but you can't see her through any other lense but that of your own motivation. Those blinders keep you believing everyone operates like you, but they don't. Maybe some, but definitely NOT all. Definitely, not me!

This girl that adjusts and watches the comparing of motivations and the projecting lies onto her, so that the others can go home and sleep well, starts to tire of this arrangement. It was made only between her and herself and so its easily absolved. Except, that once it is thrown out, she WILL start to take up space as she should. However, people get used to your role.They count on you to adjust and when you don't all of a sudden, they have to fit you back in some box. Without ever acknowledging any service you may have done for them or their ego, they stick you in a new box labeled: "Negative." You're no longer conforming and so you have to fit in their mind's filing cabinet somewhere. 

Everything starts to get off balance. For instance, say there was a moral center established that showing up was most important, but the quality in the visit meant nothing. I was there... and yet when you brought up a retelling of events, they looked confused or had no recollection of your heart being set in front of them to hear. How is that helpful? Showing up and not being there at all? One time, because I felt insecurity bubbling up, I asked for guidance. I didnt really need it, but I knew it'd make someone I loved feel important. We made an appointment. I showed up. I waited and waited, only to be stood up. There was no respect for my time. Tell me, what bad motivation did I have there? After that, I began to watch more closely and see that other people's time wasn't a care and I had to accept that and adjust again. This time adjustment meant being more protective of myself and expectations. 

It's funny how we all have expectations of people in our lives, but we take ourselves out of the equation. For instance, you could think that a person who loves you should read everything you write, call you once a week and meet up with you once a month. Though, many contradictions lie on our end. What your loved one writes doesn't interest you, you don't really call anybody and you will only be willing to get together if it's where and how you want it to be. We cannot hold people to "standards" we wouldn't rise to. 

Life is messy and complicated and damn hurtful. Especially for those tender hearts. I watched a movie the other day... RACHEL GETTING MARRIED and I don't remember the exact line, but the main gist was not everyone is concerned with your suffering. It's not the most important thing in the world. Suffering is never necessary if there is support and acknowledgement. I often feel guilty for my melancholy or staying in pain longer than others, but it is my purpose. I believe I was put here to fully dive into my pain and the pain of others to help ease it. I know my poetry helps ease it for some, but I'm hoping to find other ways to ease it. Haven't found my full purpose path yet, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I don't ever want to bring someone down, but I know now that I can also be the one who needs pulling up and support. Anyone who really knows me, knows I have a hard time asking for help. I sit in my feelings through my poetry, but if we're together, I'm engaged and I don't sit in my suffering. I often enjoy two sided heartfelt conversation. Very possible that I'll take your suffering home with me and it'll take a couple days to unravel, but I'm not what I've been told I am. I'm just not. 

I should have disagreed when I was labeled "negative," "too sweet," "weak minded," or "dramatic." When asked how I am, if my dealings of recent have been hard, it may come off as negative because I am too old to lie about my reality to keep anyone else comfortable. If I stood up to something you said that I blatantly disagreed with and you couldn't mold me like clay, that's a good thing. It is not "too sweet" to stand up for basic, human rights, EVER! If I allow for others to choose restaurants, games, conversation topics, etc... It doesn't mean I don't have my own choices and I'm "weak minded." Sometimes it's actually smart as hell to let others choose so you experience new things or because they just seem to care more. I have accused someone of being "dramatic" in the past and in that instance they were just being passionate. I stood corrected and apologized... When I have been called "dramatic," it had to do with boundaries and feelings. If I don't want to do something, I shouldn't have to. Instincts can often prove correct. And when I feel something, those are emotions and not some fake lines from a play. Nothing dramatic about being real with your heart. That's why I keep more to myself. Instead of it being accepted, validated or acknowledged, it just gets thrown back at me as excuses, pity parties or you're being "dramatic." Labels and summing me up is a sure fire way to create distance between us. We cannot know another person fully. If you think you can, that's called "judging."

There is such beauty and goodness in the world. There is a lot of unjust things happening in the world too. There can be both. Bothness. You can be happy and sad at the same time. To deny either is to turn a blind eye to truth. All that amazes, keeps us getting up each morning and soaking up as much goodness as possible. All that is hard and hurts our hearts is there to remind us that life is precious. As the sky grows dark each night, I watch in wonder as stars appear. When I find the moon, I think of all its witnessed. People evolving, growing and escaping old paradigms that no longer serve them. Life is for shifting and becoming. We are sent here to take up space, be emotional if we are, be courageous if we are and change the world as best we can. The easiest way to invoke positive change is to walk in your truth. Allow the cloud of lies that have been told about you to fly off in the wind, as it should.