Saturday, December 12, 2009

Chapter One - Quarter Life Crisis

The blue sky seemed to be a slice of freedom from the state of rain that had been floating overhead for days. I no longer had an excuse to stay in bed once I saw the beautiful day peek through the blinds. The automatic coffee pot hadn't even started and so I had to use all the strength I had to make my index finger press the "On" switch. I inhaled the aromatic scent of hazelnut, but apparently took a little too much of it in. My eyes began to well up and I was reduced to coughing. Trying to control my wheezing, I poured myself a cup of energy. Whiskey, my semi-well behaved cat rubbed up against my leg and I obliged him by filling up his bowl full of food. Yet, his attention strayed from his grub once I started up my computer. He has to be the center of attention plus he loves to watch the cursor dance across the screen. I send responses to some emails, pay some bills, and cry at my bank account's available balance. Then, I shrug it off and remind myself that this wasn't an accident. I did just quit my job and right after the economy took a dump. What exactly did I expect to happen? Lately, I really don't expect much and still at every turn there's some kind of road block. Last month I learned I was "Clinically Depressed." Hmmmm... That's interesting. I guess that explains the trouble sleeping and all the crying - *phew* I'm mentally unstable, I thought it was just me. For a girl who has a nice apartment, wonderful fiance, adorable cat and had a decent job, you would think she would realize how blessed she is and just make it work. Most people would kill to be in my shoes, am I unappreciative? Am I spoiled brat who will never be satisfied? Friends and Family would say, of course not. I'm very aware of my good fortune, it just so happens that turning 29 made me stare at the fact that next year I'll be 30. Yes the big 3-0. I will be the same age my Mom was when she was married with a 7 year old and 13 year old. I can't believe it, I'm so far behind. No marriage, no kids, no house, no decent car, and I just quit my job. Whoa - deep breath. It's all going to be okay.
My life is good, but why is 30 so frightening? Everyone is always telling me I'm so young, but I fear that ship will have sailed once I'm 30!!!! Oh my goodness each time I say it, it stings - 30! 30... 30!?!?!?! Okay calm... I'm calm.
So, by the time I'm thirty, oh that's much better written out, the "3"-"0" really makes it more real. Thirty, has a nice distinquished look to it.
Okay, by the time I'm thirty I would like to have lost 50 pounds, traveled to Paris, gone whale watching, learned to play the steel guitar, at least have my wedding planned and be a published author. Wow it's December, that means I really only have 10 months till I'm thirty. I can manage. I will make it happen. If I take off these bell bottom jeans, shoes, and sweatshirt - that puts me 5 pounds lower, so really only 45 to go. Phew. Then if I don't make it to Paris, France - there's always Paris, Texas. Youtube has plenty of videos of people who actually went whale watching, I could watch some of them. The steel guitar, well does learning the recorder count? As for my wedding, well provided Paul (my fiance) doesn't read this and run - we'll have a nice BBQ hoedown wedding. Lastly, I want to become a published author - I'm writing this blog, aren't I? See anything is possible.
So, I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. When all your "what ifs" start floating to the surface and all of your "shouldn't have eaten thats" weigh you down on the scale. I'm definitely feeling the pressure of keeping my wrinkles at bay and my hair long. I'm feeling the pressure to grab a career I enjoy. That old expression, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life," well I want a piece of that. Which will help with the wrinkles because if you're happy, you tend to have less wrinkles. Since quitting my job, I've already grown my nails out. I no longer chew them, I paint them and stare at them happily.
The sun is starting to pierce through the shades. Is that you God? Are you here to wake me up or beat me into submission? Are you shining a light to say, "wake up stupid, you're only 29?" Oh yeah, I'm still in my 20s! Sweet!

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