Friday, December 18, 2009
Chapter Two - Life Indoors
Wearing sunglasses indoors is usually not my style, but whether it was God or just the sun, something had burned my eyes and woke me up! A girl has got to see the good before the bad and as for right now, seeing anything besides these little splotchy dots is a challenge. It's painful, so I close my eyes and immediately see my brother's face. A young man, almost through with college and about to embark on the rest of his life. He wears a smile, a big smile as he usually does, and he just gives me a thumbs up as if to be as cheesy as that Billy Joel song and say, "I love you just the way you are." Open my eyes again and still splotches. You know my Mom always tells me not to look into the sun and yet somehow this time - it's not my fault. Close my eyes again and this time I see a cow and a tree and a barn, oh my goodness I'm having visions of Farmville - that's just ridiculous. I spend far too much time on my computer: writing, playing games, blogging, tweeting, recording and surfing. My love of the outdoors faded with the changing of the time and weather. It happens. You grow so in love with 85 degree weather, sunny skies and long days during the summer that when your days are suddenly frigid and short you go into hibernation. I've gone on a few walks in hopes that my derriere wouldn't totally balloon up this winter. I usually come home with an ear ache and hands that could chill even the warmest hot cocoa. I rather love the fall season. The beautiful color of the leaves, the slight cool down, but still long lavish days. Yes, they start to get shorter naturally, but the sun is still out till around 6:30pm, which is bliss. You can go walking after work and not be frostbitten nor drenched from the heat. I also have a birthday around that time of year and well I rather love it because it's on Halloween. The day where you can be anyone you want other than yourself. But for now, we are smack dab in winter. 84 days left until the first day of Spring and yet in just 4 days everyone will begin their New Year's resolutions. It's freezing and yet we're all supposed to jump into our track suits and hit the streets hoping to lose all the excess weight as well as emotional baggage the year has brought us. I'm looking to 2010 as a year of promise. As I've said before, I shall be thirty! It's going to be wonderful because for the first 10 months I'll be twenty nine. No, seriously it'll be okay. I do believe that 2009 was a year of assessing who I am, why I act the way I do, and I will no longer be pushed around. The one thing you've got to realize in life, everyone is dealing with similar issues and you have to be sensitive to that. At the same time, you also have to know the difference between right and wrong and how to protect those you love. If I have learned anything this year, it is that nobody is perfect and yet we can't give people that excuse. As long as everyone tries to be good and loving than they will get the benefit of the doubt. When people you hold in such high esteem, let you down, that is the hardest wake up call. Still, you just have to hold your head up high and do your best. All you can do is tell them how you feel and if they don't listen or don't care - that's on them, NOT you! What a year for learning all that the hard way. I've spent so much time indoors this winter. I sat on a couch and poured my soul to a shrink who made me realize I can say, "no" to anyone I want to. If I don't feel like putting myself in a situation, only I can remove myself and understand the reasons why. It's funny, as a girl with two Catholic parents, guilt has run through the veins of each side of the family. I always felt I HAD to do this or that, now I see - I only have to do what my heart tells me to. No matter if it deals with family or not. Obligation and guilt only make the experience excruciating. When you choose to do something, you've made the decision, you own it, it's yours and you feel so happy while you're there. It's a breakthrough for me and I'm so excited to become an adult who may tell her parents, "no," sometimes. Our relationship has shifted and that's how it should be. I will no longer get soap in the mouth, a spanking on my bottom - I am an adult. I make good choices and if I screw up - I'm the first one to admit it because I believe in the sanctity of flaws. It is so important to show the world how wonderful you are, but it is equally important to show your flaws. The flaws help the world relate to you so much more than the perfection. How wonderful is it to find out that you are just like that person who couldn't take the ill treatment of their boss anymore, so they quit their job in the middle of the country's financial crisis? You no longer feel alone. To get out in the world and tell each other stories and relate to people is the whole point of this beautiful earth. And yet, here I sit typing my thoughts onto a screen, all curled up watching a 1980's movie. I know that I should get outside and live, but there's a whole other world waiting indoors.