Thursday, April 8, 2010

Time is of the Essence

How is it April already? Where did January, February, and March go? Now more than ever I am beginning to notice the fast pace of the passing days. Perhaps it's because I'm on my way towards thirty and every day gets a little more precious with age or maybe the days are just speedily racing ahead. Nevertheless, Summer will be here before we know it. There's no stopping it. The start to the year seemed promising. I vowed that this will be my year and I haven't stopped believing that, but as life usually does, it happened. Not having something to do every single day is making it hard to stay 100% happy. When you have a purpose, you feel this motivation and drive in you and each day you just go... I spend a lot of time writing, but the days I'm not working on the M.D. News Magazine, I'm lost and don't know what to do with myself. If I had the mind for structure, I would finish the five writing projects I've started. Instead, I wake up with my Mister and Dobbie. I make the coffee and Mister's lunch, pour myself some java and turn on the computer as I kiss my babe goodbye and wish him a good day. I feed the kitty and I get lost in cyber space. I think of articles to write for Associated Content, look on Craig's List for homes, jobs, and couches (need a new one bad!). By then, it's about 12noon and I make myself a salad and watch The View that taped earlier in the morning. Then it's 1pm or 1:30pm so I work out for about a half hour, do the housework - dishes, straightening up, etc. That makes it about 3pm or 3:30pm and so I take a shower and start thinking about what to make for dinner. Paul gets home at 4pm and we usually talk, watch TV or a movie, and have more computer time from then until bedtime. The other days when I'm working, my Mom and I walk for an hour up the hill by my house from around 8am to 9am and then it's work time from 9:30am till 2:30pm. Then home to do chores and finish the night like all the other days unless we go out to karaoke on Thursday or Friday night.
I've applied for some part time jobs recently so that I can continue working on the magazine and make some extra money, but so many people are out of work that it's hard to even get an interview. If money was my drive and focus, I'd be kicking myself right now for giving up my full time job at the college, but it's not. I want to be happy and we're doing good. What I need to figure out is how to make money by doing what I love. I have so many avenues I could go down, such as children's books, articles, songs, singing, greeting cards, poetry, screenplays, and novels. Why don't I believe in myself? Well, that is an age old question. In the past, I've often thought it was because when I was a child I didn't have the encouragement I needed to start young and make it happen. In a way, I do believe that a firm belief in yourself starts when you're growing and maturing. So many things happened in my life during crucial growing ages and certain focuses were taken from me and put on the issues at the time. Some often compare me to my baby brother and it's just not fair to. He was at crucial developmental ages when there were changes in our family too, perhaps even more so than me, but he's really adjusted well. The reason is that he had sports and a foundation within a team to make him feel good about himself. He also had me cheering him on and a huge fan in my Papi and Mom. So everyone around him wanted him to succeed and believed he could. Not to say he never struggled, he did, but he came out of it stronger and again had a team to cheer him on. Singing was something I always loved. Since I was in the third and fourth grade, I remember loving music. I have a video tape of me with my hair brush just dancing and singing to Wilson Phillips at age 10. It's hilarious and I sounded somewhat bad, but that was the real beginning of my serious love for singing. My elementary school had a choir and I remember singing Christmas carols in the mall. Still, Junior High through High School there were no music programs, all cut from the budget. In High School I was in the talent show and that was a blast. I also sang, "I Will Remember You," at my High School Graduation. I tried to do what I could do to stay a music lover. I sang in my room every single afternoon and wrote so much poetry and lyrics which I still do to this day. If a day goes by where I haven't sung, something's wrong! Like they say, "You can't say you're an expert at something until you've put in 10,000 hours." I'd have to say I'm at about halfway... 5,000 put in so far for sure! Anyway, back to my point, I need more belief in me. When people in your life, who really mean something to you, don't take your craft seriously, (And when I say, "Seriously," I don't mean really believing that my karaoke nights could turn me into a world wide star. Seriously meaning that they actually listen to the holiday CD I make every year or give me feedback - good or bad - about my latest article, poem, video project, song, etc. Not every single writing piece I do because that is a lot, but a little encouragement goes a long way) and even make fun of you behind your back, it's discouraging. Everybody's idea of success is different and all I want in my life is to touch people and to matter to the world in some way. If money and fame comes at some point because of that, well that's frosting. I don't let many people in my circle. I have been hurt so many times by people I trusted and put stock in and so unfortunately, people really have to show me their true colors before I'll completely open up my arms to them. So that little circle of friends and family that I have in my life, well I would hope they wouldn't bad mouth me or hurt me. Especially when it comes to family. Sadly, I am constantly getting hurt in that area of my life. So, some would say, be a success in spite of it all. I am not a fan of spite. I want so badly for everyone to get along, for everyone to start here in this moment and leave the past where it belongs - long gone. Another interesting dynamic is competition. In family, everyone should just be happy for the other one. I can truly say that whatever success or happiness my family gets, I am overjoyed. Jealousy is for those who don't really love the person they are jealous of. Success of one, especially in family and in most good friendships, should instill joy in the entire group. So, I suppose that is another obstacle in my being proud of myself or believing in me. It gets really hard when your friends and even worse family members are jealous of even your smallest successes. When they talk it down so they can feel more successful, it's hard to come to grips. How can this person that loves me, take me down a notch? It is because I care and I love and I promise to never EVER be one of those people who harden because of what they've been through. I would rather that the spotlight hogging person have it, I don't need it. Still, just the act of telling myself, "They need it more than me," makes me devalue what I've been praised for. It puts this thought in my head that it doesn't matter. How will I ever be proud of me if I dim the lights shining on me for someone else? This year is my year and I've got to figure out exactly what I can do to keep my shine and believe in it. I am the star of my life. Still, I won't ever be the star of everyone else's because I don't want to be. I want to remain humble, but believe I can do anything... because I can! I have so much under this 'ol hat and there is no time like today to start using it! I never had the foundation, but that is no excuse to let the parade pass me by. Time is of the essence and I'm still youthful enough to make something beautifully amazing of this life. BELIEVE JENNIE - BELIEVE!

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