This past month of April has been so enlightening, mind opening, perspective changing, and empowering. With the wisdom of some angels here on earth, you know who you are, and really looking into who I am; I have finally, for the first time, truly realized what I want, believe, feel, love, and deserve.
When you look back at where you've been in your life, reflecting and comparing to where you presently stand, it's easy to feel pride and regret all rolled into one. I have grown so very much, but I also have moments of, "why did I do that?" And yet, I've done what I've done and that is why I am who I've become... Can't change it and truth be told, I wouldn't want to.
Not only do you learn from each experience, but you also find out who your friends are. People in your life come and go, but the ones who are always a constant in your life, those are the people who mean the most and deserve your energy. There are times when we don't understand why we're being treated a certain way. There's no communication and so we just take on why we think they're mad at us. The reasons we make up in our minds may not even be close to what they are mad about, but when you've reached out and tried to make it right and you're not met halfway - you have two choices: 1) You can continue to carry the burden of what you think the problem is or 2) you can let it go. I'm finally at that letting go phase. When you've truly done all you can do, how can you hold all the blame anymore? Truth is if you were still meant to be friends, you would be. As easy as that. Yes sometimes you fight, but if you were meant to be friends, your friend would meet you halfway. You cannot force someone to communicate. Your energy shouldn't be expended entirely on that. It eats you up. I've learned I am just as worthy of their time as they are of mine. It's time to shed that pain. Move on, they aren't budging.
Along with guilt, doubt and weight from unhealthy relationships, I also have fear to lose. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of spotlight, and fear of criticism are all things I need to get past. I have so much talent and desire in me, but I don't have the fuel to push me towards my dreams. The reason? Fear steals my thunder. I have my own insecurities and doubts that throw up caution signs right and left. Is this song good enough? Did I hit that high note just right? Am I good enough? These are normal questions and yet I let them hold me back instead of finding out the answers. I have such a love for singing and writing and creating and if I put just half of my passion into it, I would be making money at it - I know I would! Now why can't I push past the questions and into the bright future? I need to shed the fear.
Getting up on stage is quite scary. To have an audience of people there to judge your every move makes me shake as I type. Still, I am somewhat comfortable in front of many different sized crowds because I'm doing what I love. Lately, I've been more confident in my voice than in my appearance. Yes, I've gained some weight in my twenties. Since 2001, I have added an even forty pounds to my tall frame. Luckily, I'm pretty well proportioned and so it doesn't seem like forty pounds, but it is! I've tried all kinds of diets and exercise routines, but now I'm taking it one pound at a time instead of thinking of the whole forty pounds. It's funny looking back - when Paul (My Fiance') and I started dating, I wasn't this heavy, but I wasn't as small as I used to be either. We went out to dinner, grabbed fast food here and there, and loved eating ice cream together while watching a movie. It didn't seem like a big deal. Paul is a bean pole. So skinny with a great metabolism and so I went along with what he ate. My metabolism? Not so forgiving. Now I totally see that all the PROCESSED food was my downfall. I have always been a walker/moderate exerciser, but when you eat food that is hard for the body to digest with more calories than the number of calories you're burning, it's no wonder I didn't get results. Now I have a 90/10 life - 90% all natural and non-processed, low-fat food and 10% processed or fatty food. It's a good balance so that I don't feel deprived. I have some fat free frozen yogurt some nights and I love my chocolate, but besides that I'm mostly good. I'm also going to be participating in a half marathon (13 miles) at Disneyland in September with proceeds from my fundraising benefiting the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. I love doing something wonderful for my body and humanity - how awesome that the good will be two-fold! I need to shed these pounds. I have to say it's been eye opening to see the difference in the way people treat me and the things people I love have said about my weight. (that's a whole other blog post!) Appearance and performing are tied together and I really want to feel I look and feel good each time I get up to sing and honestly right now, I don't.
There are many things I need to shed in order to have the happiness I've always wanted, but the process of shedding it all is proving to be rewarding all its own. I can't wait to shed the pain, guilt, fear, insecurities, & pounds. Still, I know that I may never completely shed any more than the weight. Life is all about facing the others head on. Life holds pain, we feel guilt, fear is something we feel and must overcome again and again, and insecurity is something that fades with age and growth.
I feel I've had a major turning point in my life, a real growing moment. I see what is holding me back and I'm ready to take charge and change. Change is powerful and I welcome it now more than I ever have before. I love my beautiful life.
I know you've had these life changing moments too... Any wisdom you can offer? I'd love to hear it. Here's to our health - emotional, physical, & spiritual. May your life hold happiness and growing till it's very end... When you believe you've stopped growing, what is the reason to live? Always keep growing, loving, changing, smiling and always BE HAPPY!