Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Deep End

Today I cried watching a movie trailer. Two minutes and four seconds and the waterworks began to flow. This is not uncommon. I am just seconds away from tears most days. Is it because I'm an unhappy person? Of course not. Do I feel too much? Well, that is up for debate.

When most people watch a movie trailer, they see a story acted out on screen and they say, "Wow I would/would not love to see that movie." I see a movie trailer and I'm that person. The particular trailer I saw today was for a movie with Zac Efron (went straight to DVD) that was called, Charlie St. Cloud. The story is about a pair of brothers who are very close. The older brother promises he'll teach his younger brother how to play baseball. Before they get the chance, they are in a wicked car accident which kills the baby brother. Charlie (the older brother) is never the same again. In his remorse he starts seeing his brother and talking to him, which makes the town call him crazy. He teaches his brother's spirit how to throw a curve ball, throw a long toss, etc. In the process he becomes so consumed with his brother that he lets his own life and living go... I saw myself as Charlie. Especially since there was such a theme of baseball which is obvious in my family's recent history. If anything happened to my brother I would go nutty too. Now why do I even go there? Who wants to think that dark or deep?

It's a blessing and a curse
To go from bad to worse
To see a slice of life as real as can be
To find every bit somewhere deep inside of me
Kleenex at my side, just in case
Never ashamed at the emotion running down my face
Still I see people staring
Wonder why I am always caring
Everything gets to me cause I have a lot of room
The deep end is ample enough for smiles and gloom
I don't relate well, but how I try
Have stories to tell, they always end in, "Why?"
I'm like a child who's never satisfied with the answer
So many placate acceptance without having to concur
I take whatever warmth I'm shown
Hearts full of love are like temporary homes
When I doubt my train of thought
And derailing it seems like it will leave me better off
I stop and take a deep breath and think a little deeper
I am who I am and I will not be an under the rug sweeper
Cannot become a figment of someone else's imagination
God did not make me so that I would doubt my own creation
I'll cry for no reason, I'll feel what I feel - no matter how deep
Invest in what quenches my soul, won't sell myself short by being cheap

So Friday evening was a night that opened my eyes to a stranger who felt just as deeply as I did. This man was like a prophet put in my path to see me. (Just to clarify, this man was older and interested in my dear sweet Mother, but we all had an hour and half conversation that truly did change my life) You know when you go to a bar for a night out with the girls, you don't expect to have deep conversations that stimulate your view on life and who you are. You think - fun, fun, fun! That's it. Well, we went to celebrate Kristin's birthday and it was a lot of fun. Singing and dancing and having a blast. Then, everyone had gone home and my Mom and I were left with Doug, this intellectual man who decided to hang out and talk to us till close to 2am. I was amazed at how this man thought like us. He said, "Do you ever really think about something? Dissect it and trip out a little bit?" Hmmm... me? never? *chuckle* *chuckle* It was just a conversation that touched on everything from why parents are taught to lie to their children about Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. to why fame is just everyone's hunger to leave a legacy. We talked about relationships and how if you want them to work, it's not impossible. You have to work at love, it's not just all bliss all the time. Well, duh! The working, to me, is the fun part. You feel this sense of great admiration for each other and the bond can't help but get tighter. Anyways, that's a different entry. My point is that this person was there: insightful, interesting and deeper than the ocean. It was like no conversation I've ever had and it reaffirmed the fact that I've got to stay true to myself. If I had been trying to cover up my deep, I would not have been open to this life changing conversation. People come into your life for a reason, they really do!

Another lesson I learned that night from a very wise woman named Sherry was that we all need to let go of guilt and stop making others feeling guilty. The best sentence ever, (which I've heard a million times over, but never impacted me like this) "We all do the best we can!" I have been feeling so much guilt because my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to trips down south to see my baby bro or Papi and I've got to stop it! I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do. That's all anyone can do. No guilt needs to be lobbed the other way either... It is a two way street, but why keep score? If you want to be with someone and see them and love them - great! Don't let that be a check mark on your side of the scoreboard. Don't use it against them later. "I came down to see you 20 times and you've been up to see me once!" - that's just not fair. I'm growing up - sweet! So much more to work on, but I'm growing and learning it will come. Communication is a big one. I'm so great at words on paper - not so much with words out loud. Need to make a better effort to communicate and do so without expectation of what I want the conversation to sound like.

I am complex and simple all rolled into one. Love my simple little life that keeps the stress lines to a minimum. Love my complex heart and soul because that lends to such emotional rewards. I believe to write yourself on paper, you have to go deep. You have to dive into the places that no one sees by just looking at you. Eccentric, maybe? Off the beaten path, always! I don't want to follow the mainstream. I don't want to be obvious. I want a day that's unplanned, unscripted, unrehearsed, and as real as it gets. I want a night where the stars still hold as much wonder as they did when I was five. A night where I can talk to my love about all that scares me, moves me, and makes me before falling asleep in a comfy bed that sits in a room decorated in all our treasures. A night where our simple apartment houses the big hearts of a man, woman, and dear sweet tabby cat who all feel blessed that the day was spent together.

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