Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Moving Forward

          There are many instances in a person's life where they are moved and shaped by what surrounds them; in both productive and negative ways. That's why they (whoever THEY are) always say, "surround yourself with people who lift you higher," or "be around people who see the greatness within you." These expressions get played out and become cliché, but the philosophy of them rings true. In order to shine, you have to be around those who are shinning and adding to your light. The dark forces only shadow your brightness or aim to steal your light. 
         There are times we don't get to choose who surrounds us. I can already hear them saying "yes, of course you can - just leave the situation." There are times when you are on your way out of a situation, but in order to have grace and dignity, you must slowly begin your departure. Sometimes this means you have to go day in and day out with dark forces trying to steal your light. The thing is... let them try... You are far too bright for any darkness to permanently bring you down. 
          I am having a hard few weeks and I feel as the flowers in that poem above. They feel stuck. There has been a lot of going through the motions coupled with beautiful bright spots like sitting with my Mister talking or this past Thanksgiving or working on an art project or writing my novel. I have such high lights (pun intended, LOL) and then such low dark spots. This constant up and down has made me feel different from the world in the past, but lately I see that I'm no different than anyone. I believe we all feel ups and downs and on a daily basis. It's just that my lows are so low and my highs fly and are so magnificent. 
        It struck me one evening, that expressing my every feeling was not benefiting me. I realized that keeping some of it to myself was very powerful. In this world where we express every possible thing to a world of computer screens, I just felt like a little silence was in order. It's been amazingly healing for me and has moved me to a different space of existence. My life is not a picture reel. My life is not a status to be liked. My life is whoever is seated next to me, whoever I am speaking to on the phone and all those beautiful souls who extend their life to mine. How I see it is that I've been holding out fishing poles just hoping someone would bite: BIG fish equaled thirty or more likes and a little fish was zero to thirty likes. I fell into the trap of who likes me? But WHO CARES? Honestly! Life is not a popularity contest. At least my life has never been one. 
         Now, just to be 100% CLEAR - this is my personal preference and my personal journey and in no way, shape or form am I bashing here. I am simply making a conscious effort, for my well being, to put down a screen and pick up a book. To not know exactly what news will be rolled out each day. (Like what happened in Paris just a few weeks ago. My prayers went out and tears fell and I didn't even know the gruesome details that have since been shared verbally with me. I am so glad I didn't have to see that. I can't handle it.) My heart is so fragile and I just can't handle the weight of the world sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't see the amazing beauty of the world. You cannot truly appreciate the sun without the rain to show you there's a difference. This life and all its gifts are amazing. I'm left awe struck so often which leads to inspiration which leads to creativity! Still, I feel EVERYTHING. Can't express how much you're feeling because not everyone sees it for what it is. You can easily get labeled negative or a drama queen if you let people into that very delicate space and that just fuels the low lights. There are moments I feel COMPLETELY misunderstood and invisible and in those tough times, my best friends are ink pen and blank sheet of paper. I know how lucky that is: to never feel truly alone because I have a space in which to create worlds or thoughts or musings. It's pretty unbelievable at how many pieces of poetry I've written. They are tangible pieces of me.   
         Back to the light... Those souls who are kind enough to peek behind the canvas of words or art and see into your heart, those are the special souls. We don't all have the same support systems and we don't all like the same things as each other. Sometimes we get so caught up in having this person or that person pay attention to us or validate us - all the while missing the light to the side which has been glowing non-stop as a constant source. It's so important to acknowledge and hold tight to those who are always there shining bright. Those who occasionally join the party, welcome them in. It’s not relevant when they chose to show up; all that matters is that they showed up!  It's not about validation or acceptance. We've unfortunately been trained by this outward society that something only bears merit if it can be purchased. That is a lie.  
        So, why am I writing? What is my purpose for this: my latest rant? Well, sometimes I have a point and sometimes I ramble. Today is a little of both. What I hope to convey is we each are valid beings. My way, your way, his way, and her way - they are ALL valid. We must be in tune with what our minds and hearts are telling us and follow the paths that have our well being in mind. If something doesn't work for you, don't continue to participate in it. Finding the light is the great quest of life. Never stop searching for it and never stop emanating it! No matter how dark it gets, you always have a spark of light in you. ALWAYS! 

We are all made up of light and dark
We are all deep beings with soul and heart 
We are all capable of great things 
But it's not about the gold it brings 
It is about the richness of spirit 
I wrote this. It is not about who hears it
Each experience serves a purpose 
Each reflection rids you of a burden 
Center yourself with your values 
Shaped and formed, specific to you 
Whatever works 
To preserve 
Your peace within 
It's not about where you've been 
Only you can make yourself feel cornered 
Do yourself a favor and just keep on moving forward... 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Brain Waves

When I used to think of change or becoming someone different, I envisioned going to many therapy sessions or diving into self help books in hopes of healing past scars. I imagined that I had scars in my heart and that I needed to go back into those time periods and come to terms with each and every event before I could truly heal and become a better, stronger person. I believed that diving into the past was the only way of becoming a more healthy human in the future. I don't believe this to be true anymore. 

As an adult, you seem to take notice more of why your thought process changes. It doesn't seem logical that my Geology class would help shape how I think about my mental health, but that is exactly what has happened. The first day of class Professor Hollis introduced me to the term "Uniformitarianism," which means that we look to the present to solve the mysteries of the past. "Let's take a side trip, real quick!" - as Professor Hollis would say... For instance, in Avila Beach, California there are, what the Geology community call, "Pillow Basalts." Pillow Basalts are made under water and are rocks that form round pillow like rock structures. How this occurs is when lava reaches the ocean, it cools on the outside which causes the rock to harden. Yet, the lava on the inside is still so hot that it pushes out from the side and creates another rock. This continues until all the lava is cooled down into a hard structure. To help me visualize this, I think of the magic black snake fireworks. It keeps extending itself after you think it's done. The only difference is that it creates one long mass and a Pillow Basalt  breaks the long lava flow into pieces (rocks). 


On the left - Pillow Basalts & On the right - Pillow Basalts being formed 

 On the left - Black Snake Fireworks & On the right - Black Snake Fireworks in action. Just picture that same movement - snakelike, but every so often it breaking off into a rock like the ones above. Then, from that rock which broke off, lava begins to spill out of it and that piece cools and breaks off and the cycle continues over & over until all the lava has cooled. SO FASCINATING!!! 

My point being that because those Pillow Basalts are there in Avila, we know that there was volcanic activity there at one time. We are using the present to see into the past. 

And there's your Geology lesson for the day! Geologists look to the present to sort out the past and I believe that we can implement that kind of logic into other areas of life. I have struggled with depression and being a hyper sensitive individual, I am phased by everything. If I were to use my old logic, I would believe that I needed to tap into my past and figure out why I am the way I am. "What was your life like as a child?" would come up and dive into all of my history we would go. What if we implemented Uniformitarianism into our regular lives? What if I look at my traits right now in this moment as a human and I study that instead? At almost 35 years old, I have been over my past and regrets and trying to sort out what could have been done better, etc. I've done that, I've scoured through memories and tried to overcome things that are holding me back. Personally, I am ready for a different approach. 

Here's my thought: Why not let the present inform your past and not the other way around? We give so much power to our past. We are tied to events that no longer serve us and continually have our necks aching because we're always looking back. We are logical because we are human, so why not keep our heads straight ahead and focus on who we are now? The reasons we are who we are don't really matter. For instance, if someone kills a person and goes before the judge and tells the judge, "I had a really hard life, you've gotta understand I am not responsible, it is all the events of my life up to this point that made me kill him." The judge does not know if what the defendant is saying is the truth and they cannot weigh out people's entire pasts to inform their verdict. It is about that present crime, this present moment and the choices that defendant made NOW. 

This is how it is in life. EVERYONE has something they're carrying - EVERYONE. The amazing thing about life is that you choose what baggage you carry. And there are stages in life - some people just got a new piece of baggage and they have not been through the process of leaving it on the side of the road yet. That's okay. You can't expect to get through everything and be perfect in the way you deal with or handle emotions, but you can control how long something stays with you. You ARE in control. 

Recently, I have been completely excited to learn about the brain and the evolution of your brain. Learning that you have the power to re-wire your brain is so amazing! So often we believe that our ties to the past are all emotional, uncontrollable frequencies that are part of our soul. Truth is that the soul, body and brain all work together and at the helm of your power to change is your brain. Like I said before, I thought that therapy and diving into the past is how you become a changed person who is more emotionally healthy and has a better grasp on life, but now I see all it takes is a re-wiring of the brain. Your thoughts become emotions which become actions. So, if you change the way you think about your past, you can then change your emotions which will change your actions - that's a huge breakthrough! Change those negative thoughts in your mind by talking to yourself internally. A thought enters: "If only I would have stayed in school when I was younger..." Tell yourself, "I have the ability to go back to school now. We are all students at any age or stage of life." When you do this consistently over and over again, your brain will change. "I hate the way I look." Talk back to that voice in your mind - "You are beautiful." Over and over again until you feel confident in yourself and your skin. We are all beings of energy. Choose positive energy and watch your life change... 

When you connect with the energy you have inside of you, you become a universe. We tend to think that we are a tiny piece of a BIG universe and that we don't matter much, but the scientific truth is that we hold a universe within ourselves and our flow of life completely affects the flow around us. Case and point - a man calls into a company and gets the receptionist. He starts cursing and screaming that one of the technicians in a company vehicle is driving dangerously on the road. The receptionist is not the one driving, nor is she in control of any piece of that situation, but that man just placed blame on her and confronted her with rage and anger. The matter in her body has changed. When she answered the phone, she was pleasant and excited to take on the call, but when she hung up the phone she felt completely different. We have the power to affect our universe. 

There is a great debate about feelings and who actually holds the power. Some argue that If someone upsets you, it's your own fault for feeling upset? While others argue that the person is making the other person upset and so they should be blamed. This is a tricky fine line for me. I believe that it all depends on scales of hurtfulness. For instance, if someone says to you, "I absolutely hate Reba McEntire" and you happen to love her - if you take offense to that, it's on you. You're upset and you have to take responsibility for that because that is a person's opinion of someone else in the world and on the scale of hurtfulness it's a 1 or 2 at best. Now on the other side of the coin, if someone says to you, "You always make the wrong decisions." This is where you have every right to be upset and it's on the other person. On the scale of hurtfulness, I'd say it's about an 8 or 9. Reason being is the use of the word always. Words that should be used as little as possible in relationships are: never, always, and constantly. If you want someone to change for the better, there are much more appropriate words to choose. Putting people down in hopes of lifting them up or motivating them is the worst approach.  "Everything you try to do to me is already done to you." - The Color Purple. Oprah's short video at the link below is perfectly put. The way we treat people should always display how we want to be treated. Try to imagine yourself on the other end of those words, how would you feel? Should you say it then? THINK.

I got off the subject a little bit there, but there is a full picture I hope to paint. The cycle of the past will continue if you keep going back to the past for answers. I believe that if you start investigating who you are NOW. What your beliefs, morals, ethics are today, you will have a greater understanding of you as a solid unit which embodies your past, present, future. If something in your present life is off or in need of a change, you can create that change within you by re-wiring your brain. Change the way you think and stop traveling back in time - you've already been there. Blaming reasons is a horrible approach. Make the choice your gut tells you to make and then stick by that. If it fails, if you hurt some one's feelings unintentionally (don't hurt people intentionally - just don't)  or you lose the race - that means you're living and all you can do is try again, apologize - open and honestly and race again. The past is there to serve you when needed with knowledge and fond memories. But it is okay to let all the other little bits and fragments fade away. If it doesn't serve you, it is no longer needed. 

Last year when I was taking Psychology 205 - Intro to the Bible, I became skeptical about God. The stories in the Bible really upset me and made me question why God would allow such horrible things to happen? Again, I am a hyper sensitive person and so some of the images conjured up by the Bible really brought me down. It was all very interesting to me though and I wound up learning a lot about myself and the idea of religion from that class. Now as I take more scientific classes - Psychology and Geology at the same time - I am believing more and more that there is a God. With the study of rocks and the origins of Earth, I have seen that some BIG pieces of the puzzle are still unknown. All this scientific data and yet there are loopholes here and there that suggest higher forces at play. I never imagined that science would help me to believe in God a little more. Usually God and Science are two very separate entities, but for me they go hand in hand. I still have my doubtful days. Like when I start to think that it all seems too complex or intricate for a higher power to be behind it. Still, maybe, just maybe God wants us to have something to do... 

The science of the world is so detailed and yet it gives us something to investigate and knowledge to obtain.  Perhaps the greatest architect that ever was is in fact, God. To have so much to learn, so much to see and so much to fill our brains with is absolutely astounding. I feel so privileged to be able to stretch my knowledge at this age. When I was younger I didn't see the point nor did I want to waste  my time with other subjects when I could be writing or singing. Now I'm older and wiser so I realize the beauty in going outside your comfort zone and filling your mind with ideas and images of the many facets of our existence. All the other subjects actually add something to my writing too. There is a richness of spirit obtained when you dip your toe into uncharted waters and keep walking in till the water becomes warm and comfortable. It's not easy to keep moving into something that seems so cold and foreign to you, but once you've been in for a while and the temperature stabilizes, you don't ever want to get out. The key is to step into as many pools of knowledge as possible.

Life is a mystery, if nothing else and with every great mystery there is an investigation. Let your investigation be a well rounded exploration of all this beautiful planet holds. If you want to become something different, change in the present. The past cannot be undone. Look forward and look into re-wiring your brain so that you can stop the patterns of whatever has been holding you back. A great resource for such growth is "Evolve Your Brain" by Dr. Joe Dispenza as well as "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" which can be supplemented with meditation CDs to help re-train your brain. I'm just beginning on that journey, but already feel a shift in my energy. I don't look back anymore because that's not the direction I'm moving in... We have the power to do ANYTHING... WE ARE THE ONLY ONES STANDING IN OUR WAY... 



Tuesday, May 5, 2015

30 Days Changed My Life...

Thirty days ago, I was in a very different place. I was feeling lost, lacking self worth and just  constantly feeling uneasy. (Though, those feelings aren't a rarity to be perfectly honest.) I am a very deep thinker (over thinker - whichever you prefer) which has all kinds of side effects such as sadness, self loathing, depression, anxiety, etc... Luckily, this go round on my cycle of emotions, I was kind of at a point where I was fed up with the lot of it. I was aching for CHANGE. Not temporary change, but a whole new outlook. It's hard, once you have a revelation, to come up with a plan you can stick to because where to start can become so overwhelming. Do you tackle the emotions or anxieties or do you tackle tangible issues? 

I went for tangible issues. Going back to school has been a huge confidence booster for my mind and spirit. It gives me something to  strive for and tackle. The grades given are little markers of progress. Markers of progress are huge for me and my self worth. I need them in order to push myself to achieve and create my own version of success!  So, I knew my plan for change had to include progress markers. Instead of trying to tackle all my issues, I realized the best potential issue for progress markers would be weight loss. It is easily measured and has clear cut goals to achieve. Plus, our energy, emotions and overall well being are directly tied to how our bodies feel.  If your body is angry with you, how can you truly be well?

So, I had an area of focus, but I needed a plan. Luckily, right around that time, I learned about a program by Juice Plus called Transform 30. I was a skeptic because it's a fairly new program and it was a "2 shakes a day, 1 meal a day" program. I've tried those types of diets and I've failed - miserably! The difference here was that it's not solely a shake at meal time. You're encouraged to eat veggies and fruits along with the shake or even blend fruits and veggies right in to make a smoothie. It was a much more appealing option for me because I hate feeling deprived or hungry. That is usually what makes me quit any diet plan by week 2. Hunger or fatigue is not a route to success. It was an easy and delicious plan! On those days when you were going to work out hard, you could add in some quinoa pasta for a carbo load. They give you a lot of information so you can create a plan that's specific to you and your lifestyle! 

April 2nd, 2015 I stocked up my fridge with my favorite fruits and veggies. Purchased some Almond Milk and Coconut Water which I needed to mix with my delicious Juice Plus Vegan Protein Powder in Chocolate and Vanilla varieties. I opted to eat my biggest meal of the day for lunch. Away I went on my journey - officially starting on April 3rd, 2015.  For the first 4 to 5 days I went through a detox. I was so tired and just didn't feel like myself at all. I had cut out: Coffee, Dairy, Bread, Sugar, Meat and Alcohol. Green tea instead of coffee, almond milk instead of milk, quinoa instead of bread, natural sugars found in fruit instead of sweets and not a bit of meat or alcohol. It was a huge adjustment and my body felt it instantly. About 6 or 7 days in, I began to feel so much better. More energy, better sleep, clearer skin and there was a calm to my spirit.  I felt like I could do anything!!! 

I stuck to my plan strictly and I quickly saw a change in my overall health. I am human and had one slip up while preparing my Demonstration Speech for school. I decided to tackle the world of Vegan baking so the topic I chose was "How to make Vegan Cupcakes." I had to make sure that what I was going to hand out to the class was not only edible, but also delicious. And it was! So moist and so yummy! I was so impressed with the way they turned out and my classmates and even my teacher came back for seconds. Half the calories and no preservatives, but all the flavor. They are still talking about my cupcakes weeks after my speech! So, when it came to that slip up, I didn't feel too badly about it. I just went right back to my Transform 30 journey. And transform I did - inside and out! 

At the end of the thirty days, I had these successes (progress markers):
  • Down 14 lbs 
  • Down 2.5 inches in my waist 
  • Down 3 inches in my legs 
  • Down 3 inches in my hips 
  • Down 1.5 inches in my chest 

In just 30 days, I lost 14 lbs! That's an average of 3.5 Lbs a week! But it is not only weight that seems to be melting away. I feel like the work put into this entire process is helping me to be a stronger person inside and out. Preparing home cooked meals is time consuming and working out takes time as well. I chose to walk 4-5 miles a day when possible and that would tucker me out. Well, when you're exhausted from your day, you have less time to think aimlessly because you fall asleep pretty quickly. Though I'm still a very pensive person, I seem to be channeling it differently. Now, I want my thoughts to really matter. It seems to me that once you become productive in one aspect of your life it splashes over into all other aspects of your life. 

When there are moments of quiet or stillness, instead of scouring the Internet because I'm bored, I get something done. When I'm at work and I have nothing left to complete, I create projects for myself. I've organized all our customer invoices as well as revamped our entire Human Resources process. Now that I'm all out of projects, I've taking up reading again. For the last 10 years I have not been much of a reader at all. (Well, I would read for school, but never for pleasure) Usually, I would put on a T.V. show in order to watch a story unfold. Thank the heavens, I saw some books at the city wide yard sale last month that looked good and now I'm hooked. It is so relaxing to pick up a book and dive into that world. It's also amazing inspiration and helps me to formulate my writing projects better. When you're a reader, you can write that much better because you know what you'd want in a book. I'm writing a lot lately too! I have been sharing each chapter as its written with my beautiful Grandma and she seems to really enjoy my latest project... so far! It's fun to have an audience anticipating your next chapter and it helps motivate me to keep writing. I'm finding such joy in that. 

I've been meditating a few times a week and that helps center me and keeps me feeling very grounded. There's an app on my phone called "HeadSpace" and it's been a God send for those moments when I just need to clear out all those unnatural voices in my head. Those outside criticisms or fears vanish with 10 minutes of meditation. I never thought I would be a person who could clear my mind enough to meditate, but with this program you learn how to embrace your thoughts not solely clear them out of your head. The approach is so different from the other programs that I've tried and it's working for me. I highly recommend it. A little pricey and not for everyone, but they have a free 10 day trial and you really get a feel for what the app offers. 

All these changes in my life started with my diet and exercise. Cleansing myself of unnecessary toxins and being mindful of every piece of food I put into my body has really opened me up to a new phase of life. If you can commit to something for 30 days, you won't be finished when those 30 days are up - you'll naturally want to keep going. I plan to get back to a more normal "3 meals, 2 snacks" meal plan now that I've gotten through the cleanse part of this journey, but I really don't think I'll ever eat the same or look at food the same way again. Sticking to this plan has given me a boost in self esteem, overall well being and amazing added bonus - I no longer have a closet full of tight pants. I'm not after a look, I'm after a feeling and I couldn't feel better! All that baggage I was carrying - physically or metaphorically - I'm so happy to get rid of it! 

After 30 days, I have a clear vision for myself and more progress markers to reach. I have become so much more productive and I'm excited to see what my life produces. I highly recommend that if you're feeling overwhelmed or feeling like the voices outside are overpowering your inner voice, stop and take a time out. Only when we pause and regroup, can we move forward as the best version (so far) of ourselves. You can't run away from yourself - no matter how hard you try. Your best bet is to deal with the issues or obstacles you see in front of you - head on. Cry, scream, sweat, plan, find inspiration and move through it till you've moved on. If you try to avoid one of life's many stepping stones, you are bound to encounter that stepping stone again. Your path will just keep you walking in circles until you step on that stone and move through the lessons it holds. There is no skipping steps in life. Whatever you avoid will stare you in the eyes down the line. So, deal with the emotions of it as it comes and then and only then will you be able to move on. It's so much harder to venture back down the path later and heal those scars. DO IT NOW... Move along and feel what you feel... 

I have more progress markers to reach, but that's life... New goals, new ideas and new ambitions to chase! Here's to working towards a richer, fuller life that is healthy from the inside out! Pumped up and ready for all life has to offer up... By no means am I finished... 

If you're interested in the Transform 30 Products check out this link:

If you have questions about Transform 30, just email me @ 
And I will happily get you in contact with a representative! 

Friday, March 27, 2015


This year I wanted to make a more concerted effort in every aspect of my life. My plans were to continue with school - take the hardest classes now (speech, ugh) - and really work on myself. Mind, Body, Spirit is where I needed more aim to be, since I mostly worry about what everybody else needs or feel anxiety, pain, sadness about what everyone else is going through. Well, I haven't been doing so well with my goals... It's going to be April in a few days and I have yet to focus on myself FULLY. I have been walking and going back and forth with dieting (life long struggle), but I'm just so unsettled in my spirit. I haven't been able to put my finger on what's troubling me until a light bulb went on this week. 

My focus and drive are there for everybody else, but me. I'm the greatest supporter, helper and if you ask me to do something, it's rare that I'll say "No." Trouble is that there are people who know this and take advantage. At first, I feel great about it, I'm helping someone, but then it snowballs and all of a sudden the asking gets constant and then when I finally do get a "No" to come out of my mouth, I feel mean or rude. Not only do I feel mean, but the person I said "No" to, gets offended, and says, "Are you okay? You’re not acting like yourself?" Myself... What have I been doing about myself? I don't value my time or myself at all. I am proud of my accomplishments this last year and ongoing and I feel that I am a great asset to any group because I'm smart and organized, but as a human I don't respect me. My time should be as valuable as everybody else's, but I've been a pushover for so many years that even I don't believe my time matters. This is a huge revelation, maybe even a breakthrough, because now I see exactly where I've been making my mistakes. 

Watching an episode of A Different World (Streaming on Netflix now - Hallelujah - such a great show) there was this gal Kimberly who had too much on her plate, but she got a day planner and she assured her roommates that she would be able to handle it all. She said, "Each minute has a purpose," and it hit me, right then, that there are so many minutes of my day that have no purpose! So much of my life is spent online finding inspirational messages, reading through Facebook posts, watching movie trailers and keeping up on all the latest. I like to be "in the know" - someone who can tell you all about world events, music, movies, sports and more. I like keeping relevant and staying in touch with what everyone is doing, but it's really not adding value to my life. The minutes I tend to regret are the ones where I was idly looking at Pinterest or watching videos on YouTube that kept leading me farther down the rabbit hole. Those times when I went online for "just a minute" and somehow two hours had passed me by. I try to imagine life without the internet, but lucky for me I don't have to just imagine it, I lived it. I think back to grade school and even high school and if you wanted to see what people were doing, you went out into the world and went for a bike ride or had your parents drop you off at the mall. You saw people in the flesh and you enjoyed each other's company. The more and more time I spend behind a screen, the less comfortable I become in a group of people. 

I realize now that I have a few issues to iron out. 1) I need to see my time as valuable. 2) I need to stop pleasing people (which most likely will come once I value myself and time) 3) I need to get back to a simplistic life. I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate how I spend my time. I took a "Time Management" course at the beginning of March and our assignment was to log our time for 3 days and then evaluate what we logged. I logged over 6 hours of television watching in 3 days. I also logged a lot of walking - 5 hours in 3 days, but I realized then that my television watching was more than my outdoor life. It made me sick to be honest. I love media, film, theater, music, and television - all the glorious arts! Still, my "keeping up" with all that is causing me to lose a much more important piece of me - creating. I want to be a writer, film-maker, director someday. Those are my latest dreams and yes, one must study, but it is much more beneficial to get out there and learn by falling down. My time journal also showed how much of a routine life has gotten to be. Wake up, go to work, walk at lunch, come home, watch TV and go to bed. Wake up and repeat. I am not a hamster and this merry-go-round is not what I dreamed for myself. 

So, what do I plan to do about it? Well, luckily this morning I stumbled upon a preview for May I Be Frank - a documentary about a man who was lost, overweight and needed a new lease on life. (Check it out - so great All I watched was the preview - the extended one - and I was turned into a blubbering fool. Sobbing at my desk and thinking I feel exactly like he did and look at him now! Why can't that be me? Well, I am so over the "WHY"s in my life and the "What If’s," that I'm ready for drastic change. Be it known though that I am a great STARTER. I have ideas and plans for days. I get gung ho about something and it's awesome for 2 whole weeks and then... I quit. Sometimes slowly easing my way back to how it was before, but other times just completely throwing in the towel. It's horrible for my self esteem to try and fail so often. I feel that I just keep adding layers and layers of self loathing on top of me because I try and fail so often. Some philosophers have told me that it is noble to have even tried at all. So, I try to take that with me, but usually the self loathing overpowers the trying factor. 

I need to change. I need to take 30 days, full force, and create a different life for myself. They say (who the hell are they? LOL) that if you do something for just 28 days, you'll turn it into a habit... so why not try for an entire month? This is what I plan to do - take a month where I am solely and 100% focused on ME. Sounds horribly selfish and as I typed it, I got a twinge in my face and my nose scrunched up a bit. Worry about ME? Self serving, egotistical maniac!!! Not at all... I have done some things in life that I carry with me as regrets or baggage and I really need to open up and forgive myself. I have been struggling with my weight for the last 11 years of my life and I really want that to no longer be an issue for me. I need to approve of myself and be there for me more in life. I'm a strong girl with a ocean of emotion inside and though I can take a lot on the outside and push through the hard bits of life, my internal being needs me to care for it, stand up for it and add value to each moment of my life. 

So what exactly do I mean? Well, from April 1st to April 30th of 2015, I will be unplugging. I will completely signing off from Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc. A couple times this year, I tried going "off the grid" which for me really just meant keeping my phone away from reach and not logging onto Facebook at work. The longest I went was 2 1/2 weeks, but I snuck a peek here and there. I am addicted. I'm self aware enough to know that I have a huge problem. The distraction of social media is a huge barrier in my life. I don't need to be in the know all the time. I do not need to post what I just ate or who I'm with - nobody needs to know. It's this strange fear that if I don't post for long periods of time then I somehow don't exist. That's ridiculous, but it's the true feelings I have. If I don't tell something about myself today, then I'm somehow less valid than the rest of the world. Still, I have Facebook friends that rarely post and they are real and matter to me. My logic is getting fuzzy and when that occurs in my life, I realize there is a problem. I am addicted to my phone, to social media and staying relevant. For 30 days, I will not be tied to my phone and hopefully after that time, I will have created a new habit for my life. 

I am going to train for a 5k. 3.1miles? - That's nothing! Seems small, even to me, but I'm a walker not a runner. So, my goal for the month of April is to train to run a 5k. I have downloaded an awesome guide from Shape Magazine on interval training as well as how to incorporate rest days and strength training. I purchased a Balance ball to help with core exercises and I've got Jaeger bands to help me gain some arm strength as well! (Shout Out: I have started a great program called Juice Plus which is going to help me on the eating side of things and overall health. Small steps, daily small goals and I think I can achieve a life change. 

I'm 34 years old and I feel so young inside my creative mind, but there are so many instances when my lack of courage and my physical stature holds me back. I'm tired of feeling limited. I plan to put a purpose behind every moment. I'm not going to fall asleep to the television, but to some literature that will move me and inspire me. I'm no longer going to itch to see what's trending unless that means taking a walk downtown to see what outfits are in the store windows or heading to Boo Boo Records to see what music is popular. There's distance between me and life and my passion projects. I want to create things and I find so many things distracting me from doing so. I've created such a beautiful space in the world with my amazing man Mister Paul, but I'm not making the very most of it. It's all on me. So, for a little while - at least a month - I am going to unplug from cyber space and plug back into the world around me. There's so much to see and do and create. I can't wait to see what comes from a month unplugged and I'm excited to get started... So now you know what's going on with me... maybe a little too much information, but I've always been an open book. Here's to making my book a little more balanced where my body, mind and spirit are concerned... 

I believe it's best to share what you're going through 

Cause then and only then, might you help someone just like you 

And what a glorious gift to give 

Bring to light what others have hid 

Nothing self righteous about it - just trying to show some humanity 

Life is full of so many components, why leave out the insanity? 

Weaving through the stages best as we can 

Constantly re-routing and changing best laid plans 

That's what life is 

That's how we grow 

Don't keep it all hid 

Let it out, let it show... 


I would love to hear your goals, life changes, comments or stories in the comments section below... 

Talk to me... As Fraiser Crane would say, "I'm listening..."

Thursday, January 8, 2015


        We read headlines. "12 dead at the hands of terrorists." "3 dead and 140 people injured at the Boston Marathon." "The nation mourns the loss of 20 children who attended Sandy Hook Elementary." "2,996 people perish when two planes crashed into The World Trade Center." Over and over again we hear numbers. Occasionally, we will get to hear stories and see the life behind the number, but mostly we hear the totals. People are reduced to numbers and getting the story out there as fast as possible is why. The News has become so instant and each network is competing to bring the story to the people fastest and somewhere along the line, we lose sight of humanity. That is until the horror is over and television specials get made about the heroes and good-doers. Those who raced to help or those who died trying to. You hear how amazing a select few of who perished were, with highlights of their lives and legacy. Still, most of the time we are dealt numbers and a lot of the focus is also thrust upon who is to blame. Twenty four hours a day you can turn on some news outlets and watch as they hunt for the people who committed these heinous crimes. The lives of the masked men are on a reel and commentators start to go through their background and what their motivations were. They get their fame. Their motivation was to cause a stir and get known for their criminal actions. Way to go news outlets - you're feeding right into their motivations. 
      Our societal need to know every detail has actually made most of us numb. We hear numbers and we say a prayer and thank the lord that our families are okay. For the most part, society moves along. Yes, "the show must go on," but what will it take to really hit home for the masses? As you watch people in coffee shops and listen as they skim over the newspaper you hear things like, "So tragic." or "I can't even believe it." And then they go off to the grocery store, gas station, to their jobs or back to normal life because it didn't happen there and so their world isn't affected in a sense. 
      As a very sensitive person, I am often affected by things that some would think I'm crazy for caring about. It's just the way my inner make-up is... Still, so often you hear people say, "if you worry with all that goes on in the world, you wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning." It's true, there's so much injustice and yet we get up, we get dressed and we go out into the world hoping to shine some little spotlight of hope out into this world. Now I know that no matter how much I want it to, the world can't stop every time something horrific happens in the world. I just wish there were better outlets or more meaningful ways for these horrible news stories to come to light. I wish instead of putting the newspaper in the recycle bin and heading off to Yoga, we could take a moment and think of each and every life that is no more. A person. A human life. A soul full of dreams, attached to a family and circle of friends is gone. Not 12, not 3, not 20 and not 2,996. Each and every one. Think of everything your life is made up of: goals, plans, siblings, parents, cousins, children, jobs, co-workers, significant others, projects, pets, dreams, school, etc... So many layers to a person and all of that is what was taken. 
      Even as I say this, I'm moving along with my life. Yesterday 12 were killed in Paris, France for speaking their mind through cartoon. There was a crime against freedom of speech which took 12 beautiful souls away from this Earth. Still, I am here working (well blogging between phone calls) and I am breathing. Yet it is ever present in my mind. I can't get it out of my head what went down yesterday. It hurts and I want to cry every other second and well to some - that's not normal. I can't help the way I feel things and I don't expect the world to feel as much as I do. Nor do I feel like some kind of special breed having feelings of this caliber. I just wish that the society we live in would stop creating such numbness. I believe that the cycle of numbness is the reason for more violence. One grows numb to what a life is and sees it as 1 of 12 and maybe he's angry, feeling jilted or dealing with some sort of mental illness and sadly another news story is born. 
      When you hold life as a precious commodity, you just want everyone to have the chance to make something of it. We are all given the same gift and when someone gets their book condensed, you wish they would have been afforded more chapters. Especially, when you're blessed enough to keep writing your story. That's what life is for, to be lived until your story is over, whenever that may be. None of us know when that day will come and so like I said before, "the show must go on." We all must find a way to keep moving forward and the crucial reasons are three-fold. One, we cannot let evil win. If we all sat down in our tears and agony, the world would stop and more chaos would ensue. Two, we must live in honor of those who perish. When someone passes, I often think about their plans. What they were going to do tomorrow or next year. Everyone has plans and their plans were so wrongfully cut short. Keep your plans with them in mind and life a good life. Three, fear cannot follow tragedy. So often we become fearful that something similar could happen to us. We start to change our walking routes or schedules to ensure the mere possibility won't be in our midst. As soon as change because of fear happens, Evil has won. Persistence and making statements like "Not Afraid," that's what squashes Evil's efforts - no matter how hard it might be at first. 
      Fear. It is Evil's best friend and its cloud is dark and mighty and loves to cover beautiful things. The randomness of horrible occurrences make it easy to be full of fear. Bad things happen all the time and to good people. There is no equation or pattern to it and so you cannot let fear be a constant in your mind. When fear tries to infiltrate, close your eyes and remember those who were not afraid. Those voices who held their own and took a stand for something. Even as I type here and let my opinions flow out of me, I feel fear creep up into my mind. "Hey you there, you know that someone could take what you have to say the wrong way, don't you?" And I stop briefly and then brush it off and say "So be it." When you let yourself be silenced or your world be changed just to accommodate fear, Evil has won. 
      As we all walk down the path of life, we can spare a thought here or there for those who can no longer move forward themselves. The only sense to be made out of any of this, is that life is both fragile and beautiful. Fragile because it can be taken away without a moment's notice. Beautiful because it is ours to make as bold as we can dream. So, I say next time you read a headline, seek out a person's story behind the "1 of 12" and say a prayer for them. A human soul is far more great than any number.