The emotional repercussions are felt far and wide. We're starting to pick up the pieces and process all that we've been through. I dealt with 3 different spells of deep, dark depression during this pandemic.
Towards the beginning, the fear of it all paralyzed me. Not only did we have the virus to contend with, but the devastating images we saw before the Black Lives Matter protests (and during) were heart breaking. Fearful of losing my parents or loved ones to the virus were coupled with watching someone lose their life at the hand of someone else who was hired to protect. It was a lot to deal with. I was holed up for almost a month just terrified.
Then it didn't end, this new way of life that we thought was only to be temporary became permanent. After a few good months of working and trying to get back to life, the sadness took hold of me again. Not being able to travel or do things with the people I love set in and made me so blue. There came a few weeks of staying in my home under personal rainclouds.
Snapped out of it again. We made the most of everything and adapted and I was starting to feel better. Then came January 6th, 2021. This is when something in my brain snapped. I shut all the way down. I didn't know how I'd ever get out of bed and have the courage to get back out in a world I didn't recognize. I haven't felt a threat to our liberty and justice like that since 9/11. Except these were our own people... United States Citizens... That really messed me up...
These dark times didn't come without bright lights of understanding and internal work. I'm grateful that I am a very introspective person who desires to untie the threads of trauma in order to be a more viable and thriving human in the world. So, every day that I sat in bed, I dissected what was triggering and why I was feeling the varied array of feelings.
Safety, Truth, Understanding and Freedom are what I came up with. These 4 things are vital to my happiness.
When I say the word "Safety," it's not a desire to never be harmed, but just a basic feeling that I am safe. We cannot control what happens to us in life. I get that. What I value is the feeling that the world is inherently good. When you engage in it, you come to find that it is. It's when we were isolated that we could only see what the world looked like through screens or other people's lenses that distorted truth. I also desire for all beings to feel safe. It is hard to feel perfectly safe when fear radiates from others in the world. I feel it all.
Truth. It's all we can stand by. Our truth is also flawed, at times. This becomes evident when you start recounting a shared experience from 10+ years ago with someone who was there with you. Their account is like night to your day. How can you both come away with such a different feeling or memory of the same experience? It has to do with how you were feeling that day, what you focused on and what you decided to take away. OUR TRUTH IS NOT THE TRUTH. No one's truth is. Still, we should share our truth openly and with whomever we come in contact with. When we own who we are, we can be such better people in the world. We're not having to be a chameleon in different circles, we don't have to change bits of our stories depending on the audience and as Mark Twain so eloquently said: "If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything." Being truthful, even when you think you'll look silly or different is the bravest thing you can do. Plus, you help people to be more open and honest about themselves or feel less alone by hearing your story. Truth is the most beautiful gift you can give.
Understanding. This one is the hardest, but I have learned that it's something I crave most of all. I crave being seen and heard. You won't be understood all the time, but you should have at least one or two people in your life that sit on or are very close to your same wavelength. Responses that trigger me are "here's what you should do" or "I always do..." It is not the other person's fault. They are listening and attempting to help, but so often we just want to be heard and validated. "I hear you. I understand," is like the spoonful of sugar that makes the how to medicine go down. I know that I can't expect this from everyone and how I take it is half of the exchange. I just need to be sure to communicate more often with those who do operate this way to fill up my cup for all other conversations that don't have understanding baked right in.
Freedom. Wow, we are so lucky and yet there are still so many who don't feel completely free. It's hard to take pride in my freedom when people in my own country are not treated with liberty and justice for all. I love my country, but we have a lot of work to do. I have really been thinking about the word "freedom" and as a woman I feel stifled sometimes. Not to compare, at all, to the struggles of racism or hatred, but there are still things that come up where I feel less than. The fact that as a woman, just going outside for a walk can lend itself to cars honking or guys screaming from their windows is icky. Cat calls and long looks are demeaning and unasked for and so in that respect alone, I feel an infringement on my freedom. To just be able to exist without any attention. That would be REAL freedom.
I gained the Quarantine 15 for sure. Put on some extra weight where extra weight already sat. I have 100 lbs to lose. Walking around the world in this physique compared to 10 years ago when I was 60lbs lighter has opened my eyes to how people are treated so differently based on looks. For the longest time, I have preferred to stay heavy because I never liked the attention of men's long stares or whistling. It is something that really makes me uncomfortable. So, my flawed logic has been to stay heavy to stay safe from unwanted attention? Who is that serving? I was not made for anyone else. I was made to be a happy, healthy individual who looked however the hell she wanted to. Last month, I started to take care of myself for the first time in a long while. It feels amazing to be on the road to better health, but the aspects that eluded me were the emotional and psychological. The addictive habits are never the issue. It's the WHY that needs more investigating. Why are you eating that bread and butter? Why are you having those sweets? It's never because you want to be unhealthy. Who would ever want that? Diving into boredom, sadness, regret, loss, etc. has allowed me to see the root of my unhealthy habits. It's never just the band-aid. There is always a cut underneath that needs mending.
Now that health is a priority for me, I am back to my favorite activity - walking! Today, I was on one of my morning walks and I heard a song that I've heard a thousand times before and yet it held such a deeper meaning this listen. It's by a band called THE KILLERS and it's called "MY OWN SOUL'S WARNING." This song is my favorite off the album for so many reasons, but today this song cracked my soul wide open. You know that feeling when you go against your grain because you just want to feel something so bad? That is what I've been doing. Going against "my own soul's warning." All the ways I've not felt good, had health issues, felt depressed and alone. Those were warnings from my soul and I just kept ignoring them. When he speaks of "I just wanted to get back to where you are..." I always used to think that he was talking about someone else. A lover, girlfriend, etc. Today, I heard the song as a love letter to me. To get back to where my best self is. It was a huge revelation that changed how I'll forever hear this song and it was the push I needed to find her, me, again...
Enjoy the song below...
No comments:
Post a Comment