Nothing is By Accident

 

Nothing is by accident. A series of events lead you to exactly where you need to be. For me, it was a slow unraveling which (to the untrained eye) would seem just as normal as everyday coincidence. “Coincidence” is such a clinical word that strips joy. It gives reason where only magic should be. I choose to believe that I was tossed another handful of pixie dust and in no way does that mean I negate reality or that I am stuck in adolescence. It means that I live beyond the physical, tangible things. I have always lived there, but have been stuck in a push and pull between two worlds. One is beautiful and filled with hope and the other is cynical and full of rules. For forty years of my life, I have traveled back and forth, trying to be pieces of what each world wanted me to be. And now, I don’t know who “me” is.

Nothing is by accident. Last year I started listening to Armchair Expert and I began to expand my mind. I’ve always been open to new ideas and break off some of those bits to add to my many hatboxes of meaning. I keep little pieces of everything that has ever touched my life in real, old fashioned, hatboxes. In the physical world, I have 8 or 9 full of cards, letters, mementoes I've grabbed along the way. If I find something I really identify with and it can be hung on my wall, I hang it to surround me with as much inspiration as possible. It is so helpful to be inspired from the very moment I open my eyes each morning. In my beautifully messy, unseen world, I also have little pieces of inspiration that have touched my heart or mind (usually both). You can't see those hatboxes, but they are filled with so many golden nuggets. I go mining most days for these nuggets by listening to Dax Shepard & Monica Padman on the Armchair Expert podcast. I could literally spend the rest of my life just listening to this one show and I know I’d feel fulfilled, but therein lies the problem. I have so many great pieces of wisdom and I am never applying them. I don't have an outgoing life. 

Nothing is by accident. I’m a bit behind on the podcasts and so last week I just heard Jason Segel’s interview. I wasn't aware of his struggle with alcohol or that he had been sober since he was 33 years old. I wasn't aware that he had the same realization as Dax and so many others like Jim Carey, Rob Lowe, etc. have had. They get to the place or the dollar amount or into the job title they had looked up to as "Successful," but it doesn't make them feel any better about themselves. There's still an emptiness. There's still a void. It was just another affirmation that all the material world offers will never fill what I'm searching to fill either. At the end of the interview, Jason mentions his show Dispatches from Elsewhere and Dax said something about Sally Field being his childhood crush. So, then I realize that there's a show (a universe, LOL) where Jason Segel and Sally Field are paling around together? How cool is that. I don't hear much about the premise of the show except that he states "by the end of the season, that was just me on the screen..." Didn't get it at that point and kind of filed it away.

Nothing is by accident. Soon after, my guy (Mister Paul) and I were not sure of what to watch one night and so I looked up movies on Disney+. The state of everything in our world has been very dark and stressful lately that we both wanted something light and airy. We watched The Muppet Movie which starred Jason Segel… He also wrote it. Though we had seen it once before, we were so very moved by the message of the film plus both Paul and I are huge Muppet fans. (Okay, okay... Paul more than me, but I'm a close second! I mean, how do you not love Kermie?) This week, I was home and not feeling well and I needed something to watch. Thought of Jason Segel again (since his energy is so full of joy) and I felt like I hadn’t seen everything he’s been in. So, I put his name in Roku’s search feature and turns out, I guess I really am a HUGE fan because I HAVE seen most everything. Only 3 things I haven’t seen: Our Friend (New film, costs money), The End of the Tour (Only available for free with commercials, I hate commercials) and looky here... that show he was talking about: Dispatches from Elsewhere (Free with AMC 7 Day trial through Prime Video).

Nothing is by accident. I chose the free option and not only because it was FREE (but that sure helped), but because I remembered hearing about it on the podcast and Sally Field is in it! I looked it up on IMBD to find out that Andre 3000 was also featured in a huge part (and who doesn’t love Hey Ya “Shake it like a polaroid picture”?). Also, Eve Lindley was a name I heard buzz about, but had never got a chance to see her in action. So, it was a no brainer. I'm sick and home... Just try it. Well, the opening scene with Richard E Grant made me uncomfortable just staring at him for what felt like an eternity, but then I was in awe that he was in this too. There are so many great folks in this series. And what the what?!?!?! - Jason Segel created it. Well, what a glorious ride. The details and stories woven like a blanket that keep you cuddled and comfy through each and every episode. 

Nothing is by accident. I watched 9 of the 10 episodes in one day. I was going to wait till Paul fell asleep to watch the last one because I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen. Unfortunately, I fell asleep. This proved to be perfect because I watched the last episode the next morning over coffee. It was life altering, mind shattering and heart breaking in that really powerful way where you’re happy for such a different ending than you'd imagined. The speech that was given at the end, on stage, is by far the most important thing I have ever needed to hear. It was simple, self shattering (though I’ve shattered this self about a thousand times at this point, hence not knowing who I am and all…) and as intended, this audience member felt seen and understood. That’s all humans really ache for. To be seen and understood. I’m confused about who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing and I feel so alone in these feelings because the collective behaves as a group of singles instead of an inclusive WE.

Nothing is by accident. I don’t know who I am now. I’m not “cured” or secure with which path to go down in this life. I’m as flawed as I was yesterday, but today I’m not alone. I’ve secretly always known that, but until it’s attached to a quiver that can pierce your exact armor, you just don't feel it. I felt it so completely this time. Coupled with a few personal realizations that have upended my thinking pattern these last two weeks, I feel more broken than ever. The kind of broken you get to before you finally piece together who you are. I'm excited. This show is now my ALL TIME favorite show and I will be watching it again before my 7 day trial is over in just 5 days. It’s a wild ride with so many underlying and right in your face messages. It is like nothing I’ve ever seen before and I can’t imagine anyone being able to repeat this kind of magic. It has stirred me to write without fear. To live in the space beyond the physical and find my Elsewhere.

Nothing is by accident. I was meant to find this piece of art to inspire me so wholly. To take my beautiful darkness along with some pixie dust and turn it into a place that no one has ever seen before. If I hadn’t found Audible 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been open to a Podcast and if I wouldn’t have found Armchair Expert, I wouldn’t have heard Jason Segel and I would’ve missed the most precious piece of art that I have ever seen… Dispatches from Elsewhere… I took the ending monologue and turned it into a colorful expression that I can hang above my writing desk (shown below). As I was creating it and rehearing those words, it’s me. Jason is me. That is what I feel after having watched. Those exact words sum it up so simply, so completely. I am Jennie Camile. I am YOU... and NOTHING is by accident... 

In Divine Nonchalance, I encourage you to find your Elsewhere...