The sun burned the top of my forehead (you know the part you just seem to miss when you apply suntan oil before leaving the house) as we made our way almost four miles. It was a hard walk with a couple strides of running here and there. Sweat wasn't the only thing pouring out - my Mama and I always talk the whole way and when she asked, "Are you all right?" - out spilled all that had been bottled up inside of me for the last month. Every little comment from bystanders and hypocrites scars me and why is that? When did my outer exterior get so soft? Truth is - if I were strong, I would be living the dream somewhere, but I am just here wishing. Wishing is wonderful, but without the work and drive behind the wish, it will not come true. I'm pretty peeved with myself and yet my beautiful fiance tells me, "You're still young." I'll be thirty this year and there is no reason I can't make it happen now. In fact, I have to say that my eyes are more wide open than they were at 19 or 20. I saw everything through rose colored glasses - everyone was kind and everything was made of gold. Now, standing at the threshold of my thirtieth year on the planet - I see truth more than ever. It's not so pretty, but instead of sulking about it, my new plan is to make my world as beautiful as I want it to be. I'm doing good - I'm running for a cause, I'm cooking Food Network meals, I'm creating greeting cards, I'm writing musical lyrics, I am writing down my thoughts to help everyone feel less alone in their struggles. Life is hard and beautiful. The hard makes the easy more brilliant and the easy fuels your strength to get you through the hard. It's all there for a reason. I used to think I feel TOO much because everything weighs me down and makes me reflect and search within. I know now I feel just fine, I am who I am and that's GOOD ENOUGH. When did I let other people's comments shape my disapproval of myself? If someone says with a smug look, "You're not working? Well as long as your comfortable." They don't mean to press a dagger to my character, I am the one who makes those words hurt. My Mother in all her wisdom has helped me discover this. We walk and talk about our past and our future and our current mutual struggles and she gets me. She is able to sweetly and brutally spill honesty. I appreciate the way she doesn't let me feel sorry for myself. There is no reason to. Her approach is motherly and soft. Much more affective because she lives by it. Hard to trust those who say one thing and do another and my Mother has gone through her share of struggle, anguish and moments of regret, but she lives change every single day. It's such a wonderful transformation she's gone through these last 10 years. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I have her. There's nothing like having a person who truly listens to your heart and soul before making a statement back. It hurts her that I hurt so much. It's apparent in our conversations that she's worried about me, but at the same time she's so proud of who I am and knows that I'll be okay.
Back to the negative comments that deflate me. Well they deflate me because I feel the exact same way! If someone says, "You don't have a path? Interesting..." It bothers me because I wish I had a path and had it all figured out. I wish I got up every morning and had my own Publishing Company where we made cards, published songs & books, and made a difference in the landscape of the world with words. That's my dream. Now the fact that I don't have it all figured out - that's not so bad - many people tell me all the time that at 35, 40, 50, etc. - they don't have it figured out. Still my internal structure is causing me to be hurt by these comments and not own my feelings. I blame the commenter and thanks to my Mom talking me through it, I see that it's ME who hurts already and the comment is a sprinkle of salt to my wound. Fascinating really, the blame game is so easy to fall into, but once you dissect it - it's ME with the problem.
There's a line in Jewel's AMAZING new song, Who You Are, that says: "Look in the mirror, now that's not the story to tell. I give love to others, but I give myself hell. I have to tell myself in every seed there's a perfect plant. Everything I hope to be, I already am..." I cried when I heard that because I don't feel alone anymore. Even the amazing Jewel has her moments. We all give ourselves hell sometimes. I think with age, you start to own your existence more. You start to see past your mistakes and learn from them instead of dwell on them. You move forward and shift the blame from others to yourself, but only for a brief time while you mend what's wrong inside. Once you've patched up your current weakness, let the blame on yourself go too. Otherwise you'll always feel in the wrong and guilty. Guilt - don't even get me started. I didn't even go to Catholic School and yet I am instilled with so much guilt. Shed it girl... let it go. Own ME. I need to do more of that. Truth be told, I'm pretty amazing and no it's not conceited to say that. This trying to be over humble so as not to be seen as a boaster doesn't help matters either. I can be confident, considerate, loving, and even humble all at the same time. A little more confidence in the equation is needed for a good balance.
I have such a rich life, no matter how much money is in my bank account! Paul is the sweetest, most generous, and always there for me, love of my life. I get to be a Mommie to my dear sweet Dobbie - the most precious and gorgeous tabby cat I've ever cared for. Someday soon, hopefully we'll be married (Me and Paul, not me and the cat... hehehe) and thinking about extending our family. I cannot wait to be a Mom. It's something I think about all the time and just know with my kind spirit and moral grounding - I'll be a great Mom. Till those dreams come true, I need to be more proactive in my passion. I have all this time in between jobs and I have to make it count. I'm on my physical journey - running/walking a half marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society at Disneyland in September. I'm on a great emotional journey, which let's face it, never ends. I see why I am the way I am - that's huge. I will NOT play the blame game. I've got the tools I need to change what I want to change. I have great support in a wonderful family and this Summer proves to be an exciting time of fun in the sun together. Fourth of July will be a blast with music and fireworks. My Amazingly supportive and loving as all getup Grandma Rie turns 75 this year and the cutest Idaho Native, my cousin Jason turns 25 this year and since their birthdays are so close together we're celebrating BIG TIME. I can't wait for that. Family is everything! Some relationships will never be what I envision and that's okay. I just need to move onward and realize I can only change the way I deal with it so it doesn't deflate me all the time. The other day when talking to Paul I said, "it just feels like every time I build myself back up, somebody knocks me back down and it's like I have to start all over again." With tears in my eyes, it was a big wake up call that nobody should be able to do that to me. I am kind, I love so much and know that I'm a good person. I need a bit thicker skin so that when I lay down to sleep each night I'm not lying there hurt by words or even silence. All I can do is live the life I've been given to the best of my ability. I also need to be less fearful of those in my life I have issues with. I need to stand tall, own my decisions and tell them when I feel left out or hurt. I let it bottle up and that's so unhealthy for everyone involved. Lots to work on... I need more direction and drive towards my career goals and everyday I vow to be open to what fears me the most. Failure doesn't exist, if you learn from each setback you never lose - you win... EXPERIENCE!!! Go live, succeed, fail, love, build bridges, create, play, sing, speak, design, cook, walk, dance, paint, and capture your spirit's passion.