Monday, September 17, 2012

Motivation... Or Lack Thereof...

Talking with a friend this weekend, I realized that my lack of motivation is like a Catch 22. I am mature and honest with myself enough to know that my weight holds me back. I never thought I'd become such a heavy person (though it's taught me a lot about myself and others) and it's a battle to rid myself of the weight. Where does the Catch 22 come in? Well... that's simple really and I'm just now realizing it. In order to shed the weight, it's best to get outdoors and get exercising which I do occasionally - on a good day, but most days I hate my body and therefore I don't want to put it on display in public. Sad. No one to blame but myself and I take full responsibility in the fact that I couldn't control my emotions. It's great when you can pinpoint your reasons. I ate and ate and ate my feelings away back when I was forced to move out of the home I shared with my Mom here in SLO. I was angry and very sad. There was no time to compute it all. My Mom just moved to Palmdale and I moved into a place where I couldn't even have my Cat. Dobbie went to live with my Mom and Gma for almost 6 months. Such an awful time and all I did was go to work, come home and seclude myself away and eat. It wasn't like I binged horribly, but the lack of exercise and care for what I put in my body made me gain inch by inch until I couldn't believe how far it had gone. So easy to pack on, so hard to sweat it off. I've tried so many fads, ways of thinking, just getting out and exercising at least for 30 minutes each day, but I have a setback and then it all goes to hell. I'm not done trying though and I realize my errors and am very truthful about it all. Something needs to just click and whenever I "fall off the wagon" - I need to just get back on the horse and fight for what I want. 

So, this weight is not only annoying for appearance reasons, but it's insulating my creative spirit and hiding it away. I don't want to put myself out there because I loathe who I've let myself become. Mind you, I have a great day - every now and then, but as a whole I just feel so disgusted. I'm not the free and open Jennie I used to be because I don't want to be judged for superficial reasons. I cannot tell you how many cruel people I've come across. Judgements are many and when it involves appearance people are ruthless. I'm so proud of my parents for instilling a kind soul in us kids... we would NEVER make a joke at someone else's expense and to see people do that to you is hard. It's like the golden rule is void. Even though I would never do that to anyone - they'd do it to me... how rotten! I have learned a lot about people at this inflated weight though - like ALOT. People say things to you and it's like, "wow - you are superficial." It's eye opening. I think these lessons about yourself and others is what these life struggles are all about. To have people you love and trust say hurtful things about the way you look shows you who really values your heart and soul. 

So, in order to succeed, you must have a goal. In order to obtain the goal, you must have a plan. In order to draw up a plan, you must be realistic and motivated. Motivation is key to anything in life and I am really lacking in that crucial area. I do well when it comes to commitments because my New Year's Resolution was to keep every commitment I make. I've done pretty well, maybe 1 or 2 slip ups, but for me it's been a great resolution. I'm motivated to keep my word. Keeping your word is so important and I usually just don't commit to anything so that I won't let anyone down, but that was a cop out. Now, when it comes to showing up for MYSELF - that's where the real trouble lies. Working out, singing, writing, creating, or learning things for me. I can't seem to find the extra push from within to shove me forward in life. I am idle... I have been for about 3 years and it's so strange to me. I've got a wonderful and beautiful man in my life, a cozy little beach bungalow, a job that allows me time to work on myself and yet I just worry about everybody else. What gives? I want everyone else to be happy and for everyone to get along, but what about me? I've let me fall by the wayside... completely! My over emotional side takes over and I feel so much for everybody - sometimes they're not even feeling as bad as I do. I often need to talk it out, but have very few ears to listen and that's hard. I don't want to bring people down, but it's like if I could just talk to someone who was really OPEN to just hear me that'd be great. I'm missing that and so I well up alone and eat a candy bar... That's not a constructive way to live.  I need MOTIVATION. How does one come about obtaining that? Well, I know now that you can't find it in a store or in a magazine... Motivation lies within and you create it for yourself. You have to want success more than anything and you have to have that tunnel vision that makes it clear what you're aiming towards. It's tough, but possible. 

I had big plans to lose a ton of weight before a family wedding this Fall, but it's fast approaching and I'm not much different than 3 months ago... At the bridal shower there were these young girls looking so skinny and beautiful and even with my best outfit on, I felt lousy. I saw pictures of myself and cried and cried and cried. It's awful right? Not as awful as NOT doing anything about that feeling.  I plan to do so much and fall so short. My plans have been too grand and so I proclaim to do less, but achieve more - if that makes any sense. Well, to me it does and that's another thing to work on. Stop trying to make sense to other people. Why do we constantly want understanding and approval from outside forces - do what you do that makes you happy and fills your life with joy and stop worrying about OTHERS... 

Lots to work on, but I'm WIDE AWAKE... Aware of my downfalls, my mistakes and able to change my life because I'm honest about what needs changing. When you tell yourself the truth, truth can be dispensed in all avenues of your life. I'm owning my life and my lack of commitment. I'm ready to make things happen. Now, emotions - please stay in check and don't fail me now. I not only need to lose the weight, but all the baggage of insecurities and horrible things I have heard from people I dearly love. Just because they are your loved ones, doesn't mean their words can't be weapons and vice versa. Disregard that which you truly DO NOT BELIEVE and move on. Truly and fully... MOVE ON... Get motivated and get right with yourself!!!!