Taking A Break

It's never easy when someone you adored in childhood leaves the Earth. When both Lucille Ball and Mister Rogers passed away, I was devastated. I can remember hearing the news and what that felt like. I am equally devastated today with the news that Pee Wee Herman has passed on. 

It's a funny thing with famous people. They become famous because of the great work or service they provide. The joy that they bring through their particular way of looking at things, looking at life, etc. taps into something new and different. We hold them up on a pedestal and give them adulation and praise. And yet, the revered can almost never show their humanity. To be flawed or make a mistake would tarnish the image and we all know that story, but I have to say it doesn't define the person. It's distressing to me that some of the headlines included that one public mistake. Instead of just remembering the Pee Wee who impacted so many children and gave us so much imaginative space to feel okay for a half hour a day, they cut to his misstep. 

We do that here in society. We love to point out a person's mistakes. For what other purpose than to feel better about one's own foibles, I guess. The fact that Paul Reubens didn't take to the public for sympathy or support during his health battle shows that he didn't need us as much as we needed him. He was a bright light in some of the dark spots from my childhood. I just hope he TRULY KNEW how much of a good impact he made on us 1980's kiddos. 

As I sat with this news, I realized that I can get caught up in the headlines and the articles that I sincerely despise. Even though I hate them, I read them and I found myself feeling really sad that I lack some control when I scroll the internet. It's there and I have to know what they're talking about. I give them clicks even when the content makes me sick to my stomach. It got me thinking a lot about how tied to the Internet and Social Media web I am. Even though I have been limiting the time I spend on my phone, I find myself taking a "break" in the middle of writing or working to check out the latest headlines. And 100% of the time, I am not better for it. There's not a single time when I am happier or feel more enlightened by the internet break. 

So, if it's not something I enjoy, but I still keep going back to it, that must only mean that I am addicted to it. I feel like I need to "be in the know." Looking back at periods in my life when I have decided that all the information is too much for me, I would get push back from people. They'd say things like, "it's good to stay informed," or "you should always stay in the loop." Over and over again I would get the messaging that if I don't know what's going on out there, somehow I will be missing out or in danger or just not caring about the world as a whole. It's all false. The world will keep on turning if I don't watch the News or read every article that pops up as BREAKING NEWS. 

The more I feed into the fear and anxiety that the NEWS constantly pumps out, the more fear and anxiety lives within me. I don't think that is by accident either. By design, powerful people want to instill fear to keep us where they want us and to close our minds and train our views. The man made cycle and societal standards are a disservice to everyone. Negativity feeds on more negativity and that's why there is so much pessimism running rampant. They need us to be unhappy so they can sell us the NEXT BEST THING to cure the very unhappiness they created?!?!?!? 

It's nuts! 

As I sit here typing, I have decided to take a break from ALL OF IT. It's going to be SUPER HARD and I don't know how I'll fare, but I've gotta try. I am an addict. I am addicted to the next headline and the bits of gossip that commonly turn out to be wrong. That old woman on the bench in the Barbie Movie... nope, that's not Barbara (the inventor of Barbie's daughter) as all those articles said. That's an actress playing a part. I told people false headlines and then had to go back and tell them I was wrong. (BTW, Barbie is my new all-time favorite movie! What a film!) You cannot believe everything you read anymore. Sure, there have been lies spilled before the dawning of the internet, but the getting to the bottom of it was a bit easier. Sadly, you think if you read the same information from three "reliable" sources that it confirms it to be true. Well, the one copied it from the first and the third from the second so only one had the story and no one fact checked it. One story gets shuffled around to get clicks and the headline is all that matters. Who cares if it's not true. 

I care. I also care about kindness and some of the headlines today about Paul Reubens were UNKIND. Humanity is insanity and unfortunately there are way too many avenues to be affected by it these days. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I don't know how long I'll be away and if I can actually do it, but I'm going to start with a month as my goal. August will officially be my INTERNET FREE month. I don't need to know and I owe it to myself to at least TAKE A BREAK. It's overwhelming at times and it really doesn't add to my quality of life. It really takes away. Like today, I have been mostly crying and reading articles about Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman and just tying myself up in knots about it all. So, instead I thought I'd write a blog and get some thoughts out, make my declaration that I will abstain from the internet for one month. Now that I've done that... I'm off to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns... 

Thank you Paul Reubens... 

THANK YOU! 

What Isn't Seen

"I have added ----- insert event name here----- to your calendar, would you like me to set a reminder?" Alexa asks after you ask her to add something important to your calendar. You reply, "No thank you." 

What isn't seen are the weeks, if not months, walking by the calendar and dreading something that used to be fun. What isn't seen is as the event or outing or commitment gets closer, panic comes in heightening waves. What isn't seen is the pep talks to build up your courage and confidence that you can do it, you CAN get through it. What isn't seen is the "wanting to get through it." Just wanting to be on the other side of the event so you can say you did it, but you don't have to dread it anymore. What isn't seen is the deep breathing required to get through getting ready (out of bed, showered, dressed, etc.) for said event. What isn't seen is all the preparation to set yourself up for a panic attack free experience. If you can pick out where you're to be seated, you do. If you can figure out an exit strategy beforehand, you do. You prep those you're going with that you might not make it through or you might have to excuse yourself in the middle of the concert or movie, etc. What isn't seen is the millions of conversations with the people you trust who will attend said event with you. Their understanding of you is the only reason that you've agreed to go. If you have to leave, they may have to go with you and that will be okay. You are in a 100% I CAN TRUST YOU space and no one you surround yourself with, will make you feel bad for potentially ruining their time because they love you that much. These are the only type of people you can go with at this particular time in your life. What isn't seen is the bag of tricks you have to pack as a "Social Gathering Survival Kit." This bag includes Pepto Bismol Tablets, Mints, Lavender oils, extra pads (just in case you don't make it to the bathroom), good luck rocks, etc. What isn't seen are all the trips to the bathroom during the event. Sometimes for nervous movements, but mostly for getting a handle on your breathing and just getting a second away from any negative energy or overwhelming amounts of people you might encounter. What isn't seen is the struggle to wait in a line and be patient between strangers who don't have respect for space. What isn't seen is the fidgeting with your bracelet or rings as you shakily anticipate the beginning of whatever you're there for, so that you can HOPEFULLY have your attention centered on it and relax a little. What isn't seen is the insane relief when it is over and sometimes the horrible grief that you didn't get to enjoy it the way you wish you could. What isn't seen is the day or two needed to come down from that much interaction, energy and pure exhaustion of trying to hold it together. Even if it was just a few hour event, recharging your batteries (for lack of better example) takes rest and quiet which sometimes involves doing absolutely NOTHING.

What isn't seen are the tears that accompany that time because of either pure exhaustion or sadness for not being able to navigate the world "normally." What isn't seen is the depression that sometimes can set in for not having taken in the experience as you wanted to because you were battling panic the whole time. 

This is what it's like to do regular, ordinary things as an anxiety/panic ridden person. From the second the event/concert/appointment/outing/gathering/etc. 

is added to the calendar, the thoughts about it begin. I don't want to speak for everyone, but most people don't dwell on plans to go to a concert or the movies or a sporting event. They look forward to it and maybe count down to it in excitement or it creeps up on them until the event is finally here! Yay! So, when a non-anxious person observes a person with anxiety being preoccupied by the event, they can see them as being "negative" or "over sensitive" or "dramatic." Some people have great empathy, that's what I don't want to speak for all, but in every circle of humans, there are those who cannot see passed what they experience. What they do/how they react must be how everyone else moves through the world and those who move differently are just that...different.

Being different can cause depression within the anxious person as shown in paragraph one. Normalcy or moving through the world in an easy, breezy way is all that the anxious person wants. They don't want to be difficult or create any kind of problems for anyone and yet their brain works against them at times and gives them no choice. This is why going and doing things in groups or with people that the anxious person doesn't trust 100% is avoided at all costs. Maybe not forever, but as this person works through their anxiety and their phobias and panic, they need a trusting environment. This is also why they don't go out a lot. It's far easier to stay in and be in the most trusted environment of them all - home! Eventually, with the help of therapy, classes and sometimes medication, the anxious person will start to creep out into the world again and what they take with them is their safety net. The people they can turn to and say, "I've gotta get out of here," with no judgement and complete care and concern for their well being. Usually, those safety nets are just super proud of said anxious person for trying. Baby steps... 

For the last couple years, I've been battling for my Mental Wellness. Two back to back traumatic events had me seeking help and eventually getting diagnosed with PTSD by a Psychiatrist. It has been a journey. For a while, I was scared to have the curtains open on the windows of my house. I wasn't eating or sleeping. Then, I gradually was able to go outside and nature walk and take care of some stray cats that decided to show up at my door. Their presence got me out of bed each morning and outside. They still do! I eventually was able to go to two different overnight trips a few months apart (Van Gogh Experience/Car show & Imagine Dragons Concert) and it was so exciting to get to take part in the world again and see things to be inspired by! I was back! Then, I had a major setback that lead me into the deepest depression I ever had where I didn't want to live anymore. For the first bit of 2023, I was so agoraphobic and cried more tears than I ever thought were possible. After making such strides, I was back where I started and actually far worse off. Life held NOTHING for me in those days. I just slept or watched crap TV and got lost in this dimension of "what's the point?" During this time, some sounds and experiences jolted memories of my trauma and my fearful side came back again. Every unexpected sound made me jump and I wasn't sleeping. Finally, I tried Psych meds again and they made me feel awful and sick to my stomach. Tried another med instead and it wasn't any better. I felt so lost. During all this time, I missed some birthdays/holidays/momentous occasions of people I truly care about. That just added to my depression and I was beating myself up more and more. 

Recently, I have been doing better and that's the reason I decided to write this. With the help of therapy and physical activity, I am sleeping better and am way less depressed or anxious all the time. Little by little, I am trying to step back out into the world and do things. Sometimes I feel that some people will see a person who has been battling something (for me, it's agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety and depression) get the courage to go out in the world again and so that must mean they are cured. Like everything should just be back to normal if all seems right in their world again. Unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated than that and I feel that in our society, you're just either this or that. You're either depressed or happy. You're either anxious or relaxed. Sometimes you are depressed, but you want to push through it and try to experience something out of life. Snap a picture and I look happy, but what's underneath? You can't be BOTH. Yes you can...Both-ness is human. 

What can sometimes happen is the anxious person will seem less anxious, going to the movies or the County Fair or both within a short period of time. It might be said: They missed the birthday party or the important celebration, but they were able to go to the movies yesterday. What screwed up priorities. To those anxious folks who worry about this, don't. You're living in the present day. They're holding onto the past. What you need to do for yourself, within your boundaries is 100% acceptable. Not that you have to explain yourself, but sometimes it's easier to go with one person you completely trust to the movies than sit in a more intimate setting with people you don't completely trust. The barriers and variables are easier to navigate in a one-on-one activity than in bigger groups of people. All of Paragraph one is real and maybe it'll get less and less with time. Hopefully, you'll be able to get back to the normal functions of life you used to attend, but right now you're just getting your footing back. It is okay to be choosy and it is okay to look out for yourself. Adding guilt or shame will only overwhelm you right now. Own what you need and know you're doing nothing wrong. 

The last thing I want to emphasize here is role reversal. Would the person who's criticizing your choices be willing to live outside their boundaries to met your expectations if the roles were reversed? Probably not. So, why should you? We cannot expect from others what we would not be willing to do ourselves. Let's just say that again because it's a doozy and really clears up a lot about mindless expectation: We cannot expect from others, what we would not be willing to do ourselves. You get what you give is always a good adage. I read somewhere recently, most likely in the amazing A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle, that if you're feeling that someone is withholding something from you, give it to them. Usually you'll get it back. Give what you want and you'll get it in return. So powerful. The expectations we place on people or that we allow to be placed on us which has us eventually thinking: if I have to, then everyone else should too is childish. "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." - Anne Lamott 

What you see isn't ever the whole picture. Even the partner you share a bed with every evening cannot show you every feeling or experience they have or have ever had. Each life holds some mystery and within that, we must resolve that we do not know everything. So, the next time you judge someone for not looking anxious or depressed when they are out doing this or that, realize that the variables make up the experience. The human safety nets, the survival bag, the hypervigilance to know how to leave if need be, the panic unseen behind the bathroom door, the tears of grief for not being 100% present for something they used to enjoy, etc. There is SO MUCH UNSEEN. Also, don't take offense that they don't feel 100% safe in your presence. That comes with great periods of respect and trust between people. It's nothing that can just be cultivated overnight or forced. If you want to be there for them, the best thing you can do is accept them. All you see and what isn't seen.