How Does Anyone Do It All?

Conflicted is an understatement when it comes to my state of being. I have become a goal setter and I really don't let ANYTHING stand in my way in order to get the goal met. This means that I am no longer flexible. This means that I don't go with the flow as often as I used to. This means that I am self focused a big portion of my time. Yes, my goals are to spread creative kindness and create community where people feel seen heard and loved, but I'm still going after MY goals of making that happen. The other, in person interactions have taken a back seat really. Like if I had planned to do A, B & C and someone comes by unexpectedly or asks me to go do something, I will not engage in anything, but A... B... & C... 

Who am I? Who is this girl that wants to chase after things I've wanted to do forever, but never did. It's awesome to get things done. I have a creative business now which includes monthly subscriptions, products I'm proud of that are all handmade by me and a podcast that I just dropped... finally. These are all things that I have wanted to do for years, but I was lacking the courage or the motivation or the focus needed! Now I have it and I feel guilty. 

Don't get me wrong, it's exciting to sell something you poured your heart into and it's amazing to create something that gets tossed out into the world to help people! That part is amazing. I'm just feeling guilty all the time because I have lists and deadlines and I stick to them. I can't keep up with emails or cards or letters to friends whom I adore. My priorities have shifted to my dreams and I guess I just never realized how much time everything takes. You not only have to create something, but you have to put it out there and you have to market it and talk it up. It's a constant cycle of create and promote and then create again and promote again and there's never any really downtime to just sit back and relax. It's a grind. 

It's a good grind. I just see now that it LOOKS SO EASY, but it's a whole other ball of wax and there's a lot of pieces to it that aren't my favorite. Selling stuff to people or emailing people asking for their support or to buy my products is SO NOT ME. I know, it's part of business and you can't sell anything if you don't tell anyone about it, but it's brutal. The Social Media game is also so crazy. You have to post on Instagram and then on Facebook. Then, you have to make sure to put it in the stories and make it engaging. It takes time. 

Then, you add regular life in... taking a shower, getting dressed, washing dishes, paying bills, making a budget, cleaning house, running errands, doing laundry, etc. and you can start to feel spread so thin. Still, you're working from home so what's the complaining about?!?!?! Exactly... I'm not complaining, it's just that my eyes have been opened to how much it takes to run a business and take care of life matters at the same time. I want to applaud all those people out there that have a business, an organized home life, a great social life and are flexible with unexpected plans or visitors. You are my heroes! How do you do it!?!?!

I used to be the person that would do whatever, whenever anyone asked. Let's run down to San Diego for the weekend... SURE! How about a dinner out tonight and some karaoke?... YES! Would you like to go with me to a movie right now?... LET'S GO! Spontaneous was my middle name. Seriously. I would be up for anything and now, am I just getting older or is it that I need more balance in my life? 

It's so hard to breathe these days. And yet I have fresh air to breath and land all around me. I'm feeling an urgency to do something that makes me proud about my life. So, I am putting myself out there in all kinds of ways while also dealing with Mental Health challenges. Anxiety, PTSD, Depression all know where I live. The self doubt and mean voices that enter my head when I can't do it all are brutal. I start to believe all the terrible things it says. "You don't care about anybody but yourself." "What a stupid business idea to focus on, nobody is gonna want to buy that." "You're giving up a day outside for this stupid idea? You're so dumb." 

Then, you add in a sad life event, like losing an animal you had fallen in love with and well, sometimes I want to throw in the towel. It's either in bed, doing nothing but crying and writing sad poetry or it's this driven, gonna set out to do everything I had planned chick. There's no middle ground lately and there are moments that I fall behind. Like with those things that don't really have a due date, but I SHOULD have been working on them days ago just to be prepared. My procrastination on those items is next level. It always gets done and all works out, but usually in a mad rush that stresses me out. I meet the deadline, but stress is present.

I don't know what resolve I hoped to find at the end of writing this narrative. Usually, I can sum it up and make myself feel better through typing out what's going on in my brain and sifting through what I'm feeling, but I got nothing. I don't know how anyone does it all. Imagine if I had kids?!?! Holy hell. This is why I didn't go down that path, life is too much to begin with. And yet, there are millions out there doing it all. Getting out of bed even when the MEAN REDS show up and try and tie you to your pillow case. People out there being flexible and spontaneous and still having a business and purpose that they are proud of...

Perhaps I need to BREATHE. Give it some more time and see if I can strike a proper balance between all the things... Life is a lot and I'm not about to pretend it's not!

 

As It Should

The trash was picked up a few minutes ago. We've had many occasions where they'd forget us altogether, but today they came. It shouldn't shock me, we pay for the service and they SHOULD pick up our smelly garbage every week. Still, every time they come, I feel a sense of excitement that something went right. What was supposed to happen, happened. Maybe it's because I keep waking up to devastating global news, that I'm feeling extra grateful the trash got picked up. We pay those political people too, every April, but lately they've overturned so many crucial things that I guess the letdowns pile up. You get letdown enough and the smallest thing like the trash being picked up becomes a victory. 

Lately, I've been feeling like a letdown myself. Besides being blatantly told I am in recent past, I can't meet my own marks presently. I had a crazy good day Wednesday. Mammogram - check, Blooddraw - check, grocery shopping on my own - check, drove home by myself - check. Still, I didn't feel the pride in myself I was hoping to feel. Instead, I mocked and shamed myself for wanting to celebrate such basic life things. People do this kind of stuff everyday, why should you celebrate it? The next day, I was drained from all the outwardness. Assumed by the next day that I could go and visit with my family, but I was frozen. I guess my intuition knew what was coming... Turned out that it was a good thing I was home after my counseling session. 

If I HAD gone to my family's house and excused myself for counseling, as planned, I would have been a fragile soul tearing up the rest of the day. The voice inside my head is the cruelest and according to my lovely Therapist, it IS something to silence. Up until this time, all my other counselors or therapists just tell me to coexist with this hurtful narrative in my head, but Victoria begs to differ. This voice is learned bullshit that aims to keep me small. Not her words exactly, but the words I'm using nonetheless. It is so strange to me that a voice within me wants to knock me down. It's so annoying that I have to stand up to it and be on guard, but alas this is enlightenment.

The other part that broke me open like a walnut was that the traumatic things that happened to me, were BIG deals. Very few people can claim these real things that I lived through and yet I've been denying myself that reality. I've been running from "playing the victim" or "letting them define me" because that's what I was told to do. Get over it and get on with it! The mind blowing revelation was that by trying to adhere to that get over it mentality and not speak about the incidents, I was suppressing my healing. "The only way you'll know you're healed is when you stop talking about it. One day, you just won't need to anymore."  So, by NOT talking about it or feeling the unease of others as I dive in and diverting the conversation, I'm actually doing myself a huge disservice. It's hard to hear that what you've been doing is what's keeping you stuck. My motivation has been provided by outside souls who have been through more and seen worse, telling me to get over the most traumatic events of my life. Their motivation is hopefully that I wouldn't be hurting anymore. And if it's not and it's only self serving so that they don't have to hear my truth anymore, well why am I adjusting for those folks anyway? 

Adjustment has been my go to. I adjust at particular events, in certain crowds, when others seem uneasy about me. I cave in, I stand down, I shine more light in their direction or whatever I can do to keep smiles on faces. Some see it as admirable, but others have questioned my motivation. If you're willing to give up your upper hand, what are you getting out of it? Nothing. I get happy, smiling faces and the satisfaction that by diminishing me a little, someone else got to feel BIG, which was what they needed. I see that and I lean in. I don't need what they want. Motivation is something that gets projected on me quite often. 

Say that you are a person who gets really sugary sweet when you're working a room of potential clients, investors or even love interests. You see sugary sweet or even kind as having a motivation of acquiring something. So, from then on, you encounter a kind person and they MUST be after something and so they keep you on edge or even as your competition. They can't get what I want! Well, what if this person is adjusting to your need for everyone's eyes to land on you? What if she would give up any attention so you could have ALL of it because she cares for you and wants you to have what you need? Her motivation is love not greed or attention, but you can't see her through any other lense but that of your own motivation. Those blinders keep you believing everyone operates like you, but they don't. Maybe some, but definitely NOT all. Definitely, not me!

This girl that adjusts and watches the comparing of motivations and the projecting lies onto her, so that the others can go home and sleep well, starts to tire of this arrangement. It was made only between her and herself and so its easily absolved. Except, that once it is thrown out, she WILL start to take up space as she should. However, people get used to your role.They count on you to adjust and when you don't all of a sudden, they have to fit you back in some box. Without ever acknowledging any service you may have done for them or their ego, they stick you in a new box labeled: "Negative." You're no longer conforming and so you have to fit in their mind's filing cabinet somewhere. 

Everything starts to get off balance. For instance, say there was a moral center established that showing up was most important, but the quality in the visit meant nothing. I was there... and yet when you brought up a retelling of events, they looked confused or had no recollection of your heart being set in front of them to hear. How is that helpful? Showing up and not being there at all? One time, because I felt insecurity bubbling up, I asked for guidance. I didnt really need it, but I knew it'd make someone I loved feel important. We made an appointment. I showed up. I waited and waited, only to be stood up. There was no respect for my time. Tell me, what bad motivation did I have there? After that, I began to watch more closely and see that other people's time wasn't a care and I had to accept that and adjust again. This time adjustment meant being more protective of myself and expectations. 

It's funny how we all have expectations of people in our lives, but we take ourselves out of the equation. For instance, you could think that a person who loves you should read everything you write, call you once a week and meet up with you once a month. Though, many contradictions lie on our end. What your loved one writes doesn't interest you, you don't really call anybody and you will only be willing to get together if it's where and how you want it to be. We cannot hold people to "standards" we wouldn't rise to. 

Life is messy and complicated and damn hurtful. Especially for those tender hearts. I watched a movie the other day... RACHEL GETTING MARRIED and I don't remember the exact line, but the main gist was not everyone is concerned with your suffering. It's not the most important thing in the world. Suffering is never necessary if there is support and acknowledgement. I often feel guilty for my melancholy or staying in pain longer than others, but it is my purpose. I believe I was put here to fully dive into my pain and the pain of others to help ease it. I know my poetry helps ease it for some, but I'm hoping to find other ways to ease it. Haven't found my full purpose path yet, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I don't ever want to bring someone down, but I know now that I can also be the one who needs pulling up and support. Anyone who really knows me, knows I have a hard time asking for help. I sit in my feelings through my poetry, but if we're together, I'm engaged and I don't sit in my suffering. I often enjoy two sided heartfelt conversation. Very possible that I'll take your suffering home with me and it'll take a couple days to unravel, but I'm not what I've been told I am. I'm just not. 

I should have disagreed when I was labeled "negative," "too sweet," "weak minded," or "dramatic." When asked how I am, if my dealings of recent have been hard, it may come off as negative because I am too old to lie about my reality to keep anyone else comfortable. If I stood up to something you said that I blatantly disagreed with and you couldn't mold me like clay, that's a good thing. It is not "too sweet" to stand up for basic, human rights, EVER! If I allow for others to choose restaurants, games, conversation topics, etc... It doesn't mean I don't have my own choices and I'm "weak minded." Sometimes it's actually smart as hell to let others choose so you experience new things or because they just seem to care more. I have accused someone of being "dramatic" in the past and in that instance they were just being passionate. I stood corrected and apologized... When I have been called "dramatic," it had to do with boundaries and feelings. If I don't want to do something, I shouldn't have to. Instincts can often prove correct. And when I feel something, those are emotions and not some fake lines from a play. Nothing dramatic about being real with your heart. That's why I keep more to myself. Instead of it being accepted, validated or acknowledged, it just gets thrown back at me as excuses, pity parties or you're being "dramatic." Labels and summing me up is a sure fire way to create distance between us. We cannot know another person fully. If you think you can, that's called "judging."

There is such beauty and goodness in the world. There is a lot of unjust things happening in the world too. There can be both. Bothness. You can be happy and sad at the same time. To deny either is to turn a blind eye to truth. All that amazes, keeps us getting up each morning and soaking up as much goodness as possible. All that is hard and hurts our hearts is there to remind us that life is precious. As the sky grows dark each night, I watch in wonder as stars appear. When I find the moon, I think of all its witnessed. People evolving, growing and escaping old paradigms that no longer serve them. Life is for shifting and becoming. We are sent here to take up space, be emotional if we are, be courageous if we are and change the world as best we can. The easiest way to invoke positive change is to walk in your truth. Allow the cloud of lies that have been told about you to fly off in the wind, as it should. 

Questioning

    I do not question the moon when it appears full and brightens up the night so that no flashlight is required. I do not question the moon when it is missing from the sky altogether. I observe and whisper a little prayer that it will return, but I never question it. It has cycles and this is just how it moves through our world. Last evening, I sat in complete awe as I caught the full moon from various vantage points. I tried to capture it through a hundred photographs and I still couldn't get my feelings of wonder and pure amazement in any snapshot. I enjoyed it, but how I wanted to share that. 

    Sharing is something that I do. I share my words, favorite songs, TV shows to watch lists, recipes, pictures, videos and little moments from my life. I don't want to hoard it all for myself. I want others to feel the joy that I did and yet I cannot control that. What I share might actually be annoying and off-putting to some and to those group of people, I have become so tethered. See, I do not question so many wondrous things around me, but I often question myself. Often in the tone or voice of those people who have vocally shared their judgements of me. 

    Only just have I begun to see how externally validated I need something to be before I follow through with it. The list of things I've tried and gave up on with a laugh or a disparaging comment from someone who's approval meant everything to me is long and disappointing. The good news is that I am writing this here and I am becoming more and more self aware to the road blocks in my own mind. The more work I do on myself, (as isolating and scary as it has been) the more I see how much self awareness has saved me. 

    Just recently, while watching the heartbreaking GMA segment on the life and death of Naomi Judd, I had self awareness come and slap me across the face. The beautiful Ashley Judd spoke so poignantly and courageously about her mother's struggle with mental illness. As she said the words "the barrier between the regard in which they held her couldn't penetrate into her heart and the lie the disease told her was so convincing... (and it told her) You're not enough. That you're not loved. That you're not worthy." It was a sincere wake up call for me because though I knew I heard these same words in my mind, I never put it together with the "barrier" she spoke of. I never realized until that very moment that I cannot accept regard fully or truly. There is a barrier inside of me. I thought what I had was a kind humility where I wanted everyone else to feel what they needed to feel. Truth is, I never feel worthy or deserving of anything. Especially NOT praise.

    This is not a pity party moment. It's actually a great awakening for me. I was so heart broken to hear what Naomi Judd had been dealing with and how she ended her suffering. I've been heartbroken by so many stories like this, but this story was different because of how Ashley articulated what her mother was feeling illuminated how I've felt, but had no words to express it. Nothing penetrates or sticks with me that is positive. Believe you me, all the negative comments, looks, energy, insults are buried so deep inside of me and have changed what I believe about myself. This thirteen minute segment really shook me and made me see how little love I let get in. 

    The thing that keeps coming to the surface for me is the questioning. Questioning if what I'm doing is good enough. Questioning my motivations for writing or singing or creating. Questioning my truth because it is stirring the pot or making other people uncomfortable. Questioning most everything about myself. As I observe others navigating through the world, not a lot of people seem to be questioning every little thing about themselves. Maybe they do later or maybe there are things that I cannot see, but for the most part, people just live. 

    It's been a hard stretch of road to see how my questioning everything about myself has left me with a lack of self. I can say I'm a writer or a poet or a creator, but every single time I attach these serious titles to my name I laugh at myself or think "you haven't made any money doing any of it, so how can you call yourself that." My truest belief in my heart of hearts is that whatever you continuously do, that's what you are. So many people didn't make money doing what they loved and we still call them painters, artists, writers. They took what they did seriously. I do not. I feel like a joke, most of the time. 

    When I'm crafting a poem or writing a chapter, I am in my element. I feel like I am doing what I was put here to do. The minute I go to share it or put it out there, in my mind I hear all the negative criticisms I've heard in the past and I click "publish" or "upload" anyway. Many times I go back to review it and I want to take it down. I have to put it out there and let it go. I hear the questioning again, "why put it out there? why do you have to share at all?" It is therapeutic for me to create it and do my best to let it go. I have found other writers' works to be very helpful for me in my trying times. When you can see yourself in something someone wrote or created, that's when you feel human connectivity. I ache for connectivity. This is my little way to feel like I'm putting something out into the world. 

    That begs another question, "well if you can't even take the compliment that your poetry did help someone else not feel alone, why do it?" It's truly not about me. I write from a place of my experience and what I'm going through, but so often I feel like I'm writing from the heavens to the page. 80% of the time it flows through me and I'm just the vessel to get the words out and in the eyes of others in need. Writing is breath to me. I wake up and I hear a verse and I chase it because it makes me feel alive. 

    Most of what I write falls into the melancholy or has dark undertones. And yet, it's just real life. My ultra feeling self can only write from the truth. I've been labeled "negative" many times before, but false positivity just isn't something I feel is healthy. Still, I've donned a hundred masks to make sure those around me were comfortable. After taking off said masks, I would question my authenticity and shame myself for trying to fit in. Funny thing is that while I was applying the mask, I was shaming myself into a mode of fitting in. "Just blend. Don't ruffle feathers. Make sure everyone is feeling good." I think I am now ready to start asking the right questions. 

    "What about me?" That's the question I need to ask more frequently. "Why not me?" or "What do I need?" So often in situations, I go silent or retract so that I don't dampen the positivity in the room. When I feel something, I hold it in and let others get away with not truly knowing me or understanding me. Dr. Susan David shared a philosophy recently in a Brene' Brown special that stopped me in my tracks. She stated that "Toxic positivity is a form of denial. When you tell someone to be positive, you're basically saying to them, "my comfort is more important that your reality." If you look around, we each have our own sense of reality. As I observe, each person is navigating to get what they need. A sense of worth, a connection, to have someone understand them or go with them (even if it's down a rabbit hole sometimes). Many realities can exist in one room and mine is rarely there. My reality has been to make sure everyone else has their reality and needs met. The only exception to that is when an energy gets in the mix that wants to poke, hurt or cause damage to the other energies in the room. I become a protector of the good energy and though it's a little different, it's still NOT my own reality. 

    Not being or feeling like you deserve your own reality makes it so that when you're praised or complimented, you shrug it off because the attention you're receiving is taking attention away from other people. Somewhere along the way, the programming and messaging that what I love and have to offer isn't good enough or right enough or within societal norms enough created my harmful self narrative. It helps with kindness and compassion though, which I'm thankful for. It keeps me mindful of what I say and how I treat people. I don't want them to feel how put down and uncared for as I have felt. 

    As I type that, I think back to four different instances in my life where I was unkind or allowed other people's unkindness motivate me to mirror it. I have been unkind to some who didn't deserve it and those who did, still shouldn't have gotten that behavior from me. I tie these things to me and they weigh me down. I hear the voices in my head say, "see, you have been unkind and so you aren't good enough or deserving enough to have anything good in your life." These are the voices that I will start questioning now. We ALL make mistakes and we all deserve redemption and second chances, but we have to give redemption to ourselves too. 

     I have started to be open with feelings and to say it's gone well would be a lie. Three different times, I wept and three different times I wasn't consoled and mostly my tears were ignored. I left angry and resentful, but not at myself. I was being who I am and going where my emotions took me. I wasn't concerned with their comfort and when it wasn't treated the way I would treat someone with tears in their eyes, I learned. Some people, (whom you are super fond of and hold in high esteem even) will not meet you where you are. It's not about the reaction. It's about ownership of your feelings. You are allowed to feel, in real time, without thinking of comfort levels. I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to sit in my reality just as everyone lives in theirs. I do not need to question whether I am worthy of love, compassion or kindness because I know that I am. When I didn't outwardly receive that, it took a minute, but then I realized that I was receiving information. I need to do better at observing without judgement, but it's all a work in progress. Capacity to be empathetic and loving isn't always within even our most treasured souls. I am hoping that when I feel fully loved by ME that it will be easier to accept each person's capacity with grace and self care. 

    Questioning myself hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've been stuck in a cycle of ideas and critiques. Those who make stuff happen, take the criticism politely, but keep on going towards what they believe in. It's time to stop doubting myself so much. I think it's best to question the lawmakers, the cynics, the cruel and untruthful. It's important to stay self aware and live in truth. As Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." In truth, I will walk as best as I can. I value being mindful of how I treat people and how I react when others are being treated unkindly in my presence and will continue to make that my main focus. I will do my best to take up space and stop turning off my light when others need it more. We can share it. There is enough. The moon is part of my reality and I DO NOT question how it has enough light to shine on all of us. It just does.