I do not question the moon when it appears full and brightens up the night so that no flashlight is required. I do not question the moon when it is missing from the sky altogether. I observe and whisper a little prayer that it will return, but I never question it. It has cycles and this is just how it moves through our world. Last evening, I sat in complete awe as I caught the full moon from various vantage points. I tried to capture it through a hundred photographs and I still couldn't get my feelings of wonder and pure amazement in any snapshot. I enjoyed it, but how I wanted to share that.
Sharing is something that I do. I share my words, favorite songs, TV shows to watch lists, recipes, pictures, videos and little moments from my life. I don't want to hoard it all for myself. I want others to feel the joy that I did and yet I cannot control that. What I share might actually be annoying and off-putting to some and to those group of people, I have become so tethered. See, I do not question so many wondrous things around me, but I often question myself. Often in the tone or voice of those people who have vocally shared their judgements of me.
Only just have I begun to see how externally validated I need something to be before I follow through with it. The list of things I've tried and gave up on with a laugh or a disparaging comment from someone who's approval meant everything to me is long and disappointing. The good news is that I am writing this here and I am becoming more and more self aware to the road blocks in my own mind. The more work I do on myself, (as isolating and scary as it has been) the more I see how much self awareness has saved me.
Just recently, while watching the heartbreaking GMA segment on the life and death of Naomi Judd, I had self awareness come and slap me across the face. The beautiful Ashley Judd spoke so poignantly and courageously about her mother's struggle with mental illness. As she said the words "the barrier between the regard in which they held her couldn't penetrate into her heart and the lie the disease told her was so convincing... (and it told her) You're not enough. That you're not loved. That you're not worthy." It was a sincere wake up call for me because though I knew I heard these same words in my mind, I never put it together with the "barrier" she spoke of. I never realized until that very moment that I cannot accept regard fully or truly. There is a barrier inside of me. I thought what I had was a kind humility where I wanted everyone else to feel what they needed to feel. Truth is, I never feel worthy or deserving of anything. Especially NOT praise.
This is not a pity party moment. It's actually a great awakening for me. I was so heart broken to hear what Naomi Judd had been dealing with and how she ended her suffering. I've been heartbroken by so many stories like this, but this story was different because of how Ashley articulated what her mother was feeling illuminated how I've felt, but had no words to express it. Nothing penetrates or sticks with me that is positive. Believe you me, all the negative comments, looks, energy, insults are buried so deep inside of me and have changed what I believe about myself. This thirteen minute segment really shook me and made me see how little love I let get in.
The thing that keeps coming to the surface for me is the questioning. Questioning if what I'm doing is good enough. Questioning my motivations for writing or singing or creating. Questioning my truth because it is stirring the pot or making other people uncomfortable. Questioning most everything about myself. As I observe others navigating through the world, not a lot of people seem to be questioning every little thing about themselves. Maybe they do later or maybe there are things that I cannot see, but for the most part, people just live.
It's been a hard stretch of road to see how my questioning everything about myself has left me with a lack of self. I can say I'm a writer or a poet or a creator, but every single time I attach these serious titles to my name I laugh at myself or think "you haven't made any money doing any of it, so how can you call yourself that." My truest belief in my heart of hearts is that whatever you continuously do, that's what you are. So many people didn't make money doing what they loved and we still call them painters, artists, writers. They took what they did seriously. I do not. I feel like a joke, most of the time.
When I'm crafting a poem or writing a chapter, I am in my element. I feel like I am doing what I was put here to do. The minute I go to share it or put it out there, in my mind I hear all the negative criticisms I've heard in the past and I click "publish" or "upload" anyway. Many times I go back to review it and I want to take it down. I have to put it out there and let it go. I hear the questioning again, "why put it out there? why do you have to share at all?" It is therapeutic for me to create it and do my best to let it go. I have found other writers' works to be very helpful for me in my trying times. When you can see yourself in something someone wrote or created, that's when you feel human connectivity. I ache for connectivity. This is my little way to feel like I'm putting something out into the world.
That begs another question, "well if you can't even take the compliment that your poetry did help someone else not feel alone, why do it?" It's truly not about me. I write from a place of my experience and what I'm going through, but so often I feel like I'm writing from the heavens to the page. 80% of the time it flows through me and I'm just the vessel to get the words out and in the eyes of others in need. Writing is breath to me. I wake up and I hear a verse and I chase it because it makes me feel alive.
Most of what I write falls into the melancholy or has dark undertones. And yet, it's just real life. My ultra feeling self can only write from the truth. I've been labeled "negative" many times before, but false positivity just isn't something I feel is healthy. Still, I've donned a hundred masks to make sure those around me were comfortable. After taking off said masks, I would question my authenticity and shame myself for trying to fit in. Funny thing is that while I was applying the mask, I was shaming myself into a mode of fitting in. "Just blend. Don't ruffle feathers. Make sure everyone is feeling good." I think I am now ready to start asking the right questions.
"What about me?" That's the question I need to ask more frequently. "Why not me?" or "What do I need?" So often in situations, I go silent or retract so that I don't dampen the positivity in the room. When I feel something, I hold it in and let others get away with not truly knowing me or understanding me. Dr. Susan David shared a philosophy recently in a Brene' Brown special that stopped me in my tracks. She stated that "Toxic positivity is a form of denial. When you tell someone to be positive, you're basically saying to them, "my comfort is more important that your reality." If you look around, we each have our own sense of reality. As I observe, each person is navigating to get what they need. A sense of worth, a connection, to have someone understand them or go with them (even if it's down a rabbit hole sometimes). Many realities can exist in one room and mine is rarely there. My reality has been to make sure everyone else has their reality and needs met. The only exception to that is when an energy gets in the mix that wants to poke, hurt or cause damage to the other energies in the room. I become a protector of the good energy and though it's a little different, it's still NOT my own reality.
Not being or feeling like you deserve your own reality makes it so that when you're praised or complimented, you shrug it off because the attention you're receiving is taking attention away from other people. Somewhere along the way, the programming and messaging that what I love and have to offer isn't good enough or right enough or within societal norms enough created my harmful self narrative. It helps with kindness and compassion though, which I'm thankful for. It keeps me mindful of what I say and how I treat people. I don't want them to feel how put down and uncared for as I have felt.
As I type that, I think back to four different instances in my life where I was unkind or allowed other people's unkindness motivate me to mirror it. I have been unkind to some who didn't deserve it and those who did, still shouldn't have gotten that behavior from me. I tie these things to me and they weigh me down. I hear the voices in my head say, "see, you have been unkind and so you aren't good enough or deserving enough to have anything good in your life." These are the voices that I will start questioning now. We ALL make mistakes and we all deserve redemption and second chances, but we have to give redemption to ourselves too.
I have started to be open with feelings and to say it's gone well would be a lie. Three different times, I wept and three different times I wasn't consoled and mostly my tears were ignored. I left angry and resentful, but not at myself. I was being who I am and going where my emotions took me. I wasn't concerned with their comfort and when it wasn't treated the way I would treat someone with tears in their eyes, I learned. Some people, (whom you are super fond of and hold in high esteem even) will not meet you where you are. It's not about the reaction. It's about ownership of your feelings. You are allowed to feel, in real time, without thinking of comfort levels. I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to sit in my reality just as everyone lives in theirs. I do not need to question whether I am worthy of love, compassion or kindness because I know that I am. When I didn't outwardly receive that, it took a minute, but then I realized that I was receiving information. I need to do better at observing without judgement, but it's all a work in progress. Capacity to be empathetic and loving isn't always within even our most treasured souls. I am hoping that when I feel fully loved by ME that it will be easier to accept each person's capacity with grace and self care.
Questioning myself hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've been stuck in a cycle of ideas and critiques. Those who make stuff happen, take the criticism politely, but keep on going towards what they believe in. It's time to stop doubting myself so much. I think it's best to question the lawmakers, the cynics, the cruel and untruthful. It's important to stay self aware and live in truth. As Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." In truth, I will walk as best as I can. I value being mindful of how I treat people and how I react when others are being treated unkindly in my presence and will continue to make that my main focus. I will do my best to take up space and stop turning off my light when others need it more. We can share it. There is enough. The moon is part of my reality and I DO NOT question how it has enough light to shine on all of us. It just does.
